Unfair comments about working part time

[Watermelon101]

I’m married and have two school age dc. Dh works full time and I work part time 2.5 days a week.

This works quite well for our family, but it seems to attract a lot of judgement and unwanted opinions from other people.

Dhs job is very well paid but not very flexible. He has to just go where the work is, so this often means very early starts, getting back very late, working away at short notice, loads of travelling. We have zero family help and we both agreed that we didn’t want the dc in wrap around care full time. It’s also expensive besides anything.

There are always loads of things to cover like sickness, school events, school holidays, after school hobbies, so being part time means I can do a lot of these things without us having to use our annual leave.

It suits dh having me working part time because he would have to make massive changes to his work and lose money.

Anyway, I get pissed off because I’ve had various comments from people almost implying that I’m using dh and that he’s doing me a huge favour.

Yes I’m lucky to be able to work part time but surely he’s also lucky to have all childcare covered without having to even think about it, to 9 times out of 10 not have to worry about shopping, meal planning, cleaning and all the rest of it.

They all sound envious.

Also what does your dh say when he says this? If dh stepped up and said she already does far more than me and she's great at it
That alone would probably stop it,as fil isn't getting what he wants
He wants to put you down and make you feel shit

So what would your dh say if you asked him to do this..?

Point this out to them. in exactly the way youve said it here. I'd be tempted to follow up with "so are you only saying that to try to be rude? Its really unneccessary".

I don’t judge anyone with regards to this sort of thing.

I do quietly envy women who work FT and seem to have their shit together, but I know my limitations and without more help I couldn’t do it.

Raising children is rewarding and joyous but it’s also a hard slog and I think you just have to do what’s suited to you and what works and what you can manage.

Some people make a real go if being a sahm, for others being at home full time with a small child can be lonely and boring

Ultimately though children have to be looked after, even when they’re school age. Housework has to be done food has to be prepared. You either pay someone to do it or you get help or you split it between two parents.

What isn’t fair is to expect one person (a woman), to do absolutely everything. When their are two parents available.

That's pretty rude.

Tell them you do what works for your family and give them bitch face. Prying into your finances, time to grey rock these nosy assholes.

What do you do all day?

I think about, common sense, myth or not?

You don't need to defend yourself if you are personally attacked.
Let it bounce off you as if you were a tank.
The secret to this is self-confidence. That feeling of needing to defend yourself comes from being unsure and lacking confidence in your decisions, or worrying about what people think of you.

'result in me being the bad guy'
Never fear being seen as the bad guy by people who were rude to you to begin with. And they were rude if they were making personal comments.
Embrace being the 'bad guy'.

I recall a scene from Downton Abbey (if you ever watched it). Lady Mary comes in from rescuing the pigs, with a man. She is dirty and dishevelled, as it is the man. The servant is there. Not one single word of explanation passed from Mary's lips. She does not feel the slightest need to excuse herself or defend against whatever the servant thinks of her.
That is the kind of self-confidence you need.

Respond “if you see it that way then he is using me for childcare and housekeeping except we are a team so that’s not how it is”

Do you not challenge them?

They're probably envious. It's none of their business. Your set up sounds a lot like ours. My DH couldn't have done his job at the same time as having dependent children due to the requirements of it. He'd have had to have a significantly different career.

Just be careful that you don't resent it later yourself. I look back now and see how much I've sacrificed for his career. My turn was meant to come but he got so used to not needing to think flexibly about his work, it was all just too hard in the end. When I asked for him to do a minimum to enable me to finally develop mine, he basically refused. I feel like it's too late now and it really hurts how I see him now.

Quite literally has nothing to do with anyone else if your DHs wage allows you to work part time. What usually gets people riled up is those who chose to part time and get benefits to top up the rest.

So what are you going to do about it?

What are you going to say next time someone says something to you?

Just ignore, I worked part time when DC were young too, it was what we both wanted and it worked really well for our family.

Both DH and I worked part time when DC were little and we didn't even bother telling the ILs. They are very old fashioned and out of touch and it's none of their business. But we didn't get any comments at work because in both our workplaces part time work is relatively common for both sexes in the early years. I think it's just a matter of not letting the comments get to you - unless you aren't entirely happy with the split. I get your DH doesn't have flexibility re hours on his work day, but could he do one less day and you do one more?

Society would collapse without the free labour that women provide. Many women don't have a choice, they have to work part time because someone has to do that free labour. Anyone who judges them for it is just ignorant.

I work part time. 2 days a week. It was 3 until DH got cancer. No one has ever questioned that I work part time. It’s no one else’s business what you work and how your finances are. I wouldn’t even entertain a conversation like that. You need to shut them down straight away.

Finding out the right home/family/work balance is one of the most tricky things to get 'right'. You sound as if you have done this OP, so please don't waste time worrying about other's comments.
Enjoy the life that works for you and your family, write down all of the positives and gratitudes - reflect on them and filter out the rest.
Time flies, enjoy the here and now x

I hear you.

I was a SAHM but then went back part time doing just 2 days a week. We did this for the very same reasons that you have, because it just fit our family life. Me working more just didn't make sense as we would have needed to put the kids into breakfast clubs and afterschool clubs and arranged childcare during the holidays (no help nearby also) which just didn't make financial sense to us.

I did pretty much everything at home, kids, house admin, housework, washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping, dog walking, and did all school drop offs and pick ups, sports clubs, kids parties, etc (DH did bins and grass cutting/DIY etc)

My DH always said that he could do his job properly and be a good present Dad while at home because of my job being at home and taking care of everything else. At weekends we were both all in with everything, shared equally, and we also gave each other time to do our chosen sport activity which for me was running and for DH was cycling/mountain biking.

But we got all sorts of comments from people at times. Judgements and eye raises like I was spending DH's money and that I was sponging off him.

My IL's especially would often ask if I had plans to get a FT job or increase my hours. MIL would often refer to me as a 'lady of leisure' or a 'lady that lunches' because I would take the kids to soft play with friends and we would sometimes go for lunch after. I just don't let the comments bother me and you need to not let them bother you. YOU know how things are and what you do, so that is all that matters.

Same with my DH and I, WE know what we have works, and that we are both happy with our situation. I have always told DH if things change and he starts to feel differently about things that he MUST communicate that with me. Until then we will continue with our current set up.

And she presumably helped your FIL to be successful in his career as a result. It's worth building an ally in her by consistently promoting all she did.

I think it's time to get quite short and borderline rude in your responses otherwise it will keep coming.

Thank you for your input FIL. I find it ironic since MIL was a SAHM until DH was mid teens? Presumably you benefited from her support in the same way DH does from me?
Of course, if one of you are free to do school pick ups 4 evenings a week as you do for BIL/SIL then I'll happily go back to work FT ?
No? I didn't think so. [suspect your MIL actually does the heavy lifting here]

Colleagues - stop sharing personal info especially on money, things you are acquiring or other. People are just jealous and will make presumptions. You will also find yourself passed over for promotion and pay rises because "she doesn't need it"

Your DH doesn't sound very effective.

I agree, I went from PT to FT because of a promotion. All circumstances are personal and unique to the individual. I have no degree, I’m not exactly academic. I worked my way up and all I had was my work ethic. In the absence of diplomas, my work became my achievement. And I worked on this 10+ years. I adore my kids and absolutely pour all my spare time into them (for example I never do a day trip without them) and it is hard and tiring. I work all sorts of hours and sometimes I leave before they wake up or come home when they’re asleep. But I also feel a sense of contentment with where I am as an individual, and also fulfilled as a mother. I do miss being PT, for the break I was getting, but I do remember feeling like a part of me wasn’t happy with what I was doing.

Bottom line is that nobody should be judging anyone for how they live their life especially using children as a punchline. As long as you’re not neglecting anyone, then what works for you works for you. Happy mum happy kids.

Who are these people to make such comments about someone else's life ? And it's a big Fuck Off to them then .

These types of comments (and comments generally about our lifestyle choices) are information for us. They tell us who in our circles judge us on what we have, their perception of our worth, and how they decide on people's value and worth. Let them make their comments, and then use the information they give you to determine whose opinions you value and whose you dismiss, as well as the people you want to spend your time with.

(Also OP, I recently moved from full time to 21 hours. My youngest child is 14. I have zero fucks to give about anyone's views on whether that's valid or justified, and how I spend my time)

I totally understand that

It’s difficult one because dh earns twice as much as me (if both working full time). But it does mean that his job involves a lot of travelling and varying hours.

But my job is also stressful and demanding (NHS) and if I worked full time it would be really hard not to get pulled into all the extra crap that goes with it unpaid.

The only way it could work with me going full time is if dh got a completely different job. But we’d end up significantly worse off financially and we’d both be working full time. There’s also no saying that dh could just walk into a flexible job. One of my children would hate going to wrap around care every day.

Sometimes when dh announced he’s working away with a days notice I do think sarcastically “yes don’t worry, I’ll be here as always”, but then I remember the above

How rude of people.
Fix them with a Paddington hard stare (or a puzzled yet blank expression) and say, 'What?' or 'I beg your pardon?' If they have the brass neck to repeat the comment, maintain the face and say e.g. 'Why would you ask that?'
Hopefully by then they'll be floundering and have the sense to move on.
With FIL, if telling him hasn't worked, I'd just leave the room if he starts.

I understand that much about earning capacity. I don't regret having been here for the children, they are the priority. It makes financial sense but it's more the way it happened that bugs me. My DH's job does lend itself to flexibility to some degree, when he's not traveling. Things just look a bit different at the early 50s than they did twenty years ago.