Unfair comments about working part time

[Watermelon101]

I’m married and have two school age dc. Dh works full time and I work part time 2.5 days a week.

This works quite well for our family, but it seems to attract a lot of judgement and unwanted opinions from other people.

Dhs job is very well paid but not very flexible. He has to just go where the work is, so this often means very early starts, getting back very late, working away at short notice, loads of travelling. We have zero family help and we both agreed that we didn’t want the dc in wrap around care full time. It’s also expensive besides anything.

There are always loads of things to cover like sickness, school events, school holidays, after school hobbies, so being part time means I can do a lot of these things without us having to use our annual leave.

It suits dh having me working part time because he would have to make massive changes to his work and lose money.

Anyway, I get pissed off because I’ve had various comments from people almost implying that I’m using dh and that he’s doing me a huge favour.

Yes I’m lucky to be able to work part time but surely he’s also lucky to have all childcare covered without having to even think about it, to 9 times out of 10 not have to worry about shopping, meal planning, cleaning and all the rest of it.

They wont realise or understand, they dont want to
They want to feed off your JADE reaction
Every time they do it and you react they get a self esteem boost from messing with you
You can spend a thousand years explaining and they wont get it,because you are supply
Supply to boost their ego
Being reactive is like having a big red button on you that says press here
They press and you chuck the soft toy ( the Jade reward) out .
Stop playing the game

I do agree that eveb if you worked full-time you still get nasty comments from nasty people ...

So might just as well do whatever you want and what works for you

YANBU at all. I only ever worked PT when dds were young. Dh worked very long hours and frequently had to be away for work, sometimes for a few weeks at a time. And when they were a bit bigger, there were elderly relatives (both his and mine) needing help and time.

Anyone telling me I should work more hours would have been told in no uncertain terms to mind their own business!

Who is making these comments? I’m always shocked on Mn because I don’t think a single person has ever commented negatively on my private lifestyle choices

I dont even have kids at home and I work PT😂

Literally have never had a comment or felt the need to explain

A. Because I dont see someone telling me about their working arrangements as anything to do with me or an attack
B.I have firm boundaries
C. Give zero shits about being seen as " the bad guy"

The minute they sniff out you are a people pleaser, care what they think or need to JADE they have got you

I work part time my DH is a farmer it just wouldn't work with two very young children and us both in jobs that we couldn't easily get away from. What you are doing sounds perfect for you. It is actually what I know a lot of families do.

For me, it is also a choice. I want to be able to do have time at home with DC and do that sort of stuff. I could earn enough to justify wrap around care but that isn't what I or DH want for our family.

I am projecting here - do you over share? I do, a lot. But I am massively reigning it in.

@Watermelon101 Sounds strange that you would be getting comments. Husband's job is well paid and very inflexible, so it makes sense for him to work full time and you to work part time. Seems like a completely sensible arrangement.

Yes.

Part time sounds very sensible in your situation, you do the life admin and bulk of child care.

Why don't people mind their own business?

I don’t mean to overshare but I find with some people a passing casual comment turns into an interrogation.

I don’t go round telling people everything but they ask me.

It turns into an interrogation because you are engaging with it. The more you answer, the more people try to find something to catch you out.

Nod, and say it works for us, and repeat and repeat.

You need to set some boundaries regarding your FILs' interrogations and say firmly to him to STOP.

He's bitter and twisted, and needs to back off with his inapropriate comments.

Just ask your DH what he is telling him.

Right? This isn't an unusual set up, I find it hard to believe people comment on it tbh

I have always wanted to be a housewife and mother. Did the whole working thing and it really didn't interest me much. If I get any comments, I give the person a certain look and they shut their mouths. I won't put up with anyone's BS.

They are jealous @Watermelon101

No-one bangs on at someone and derides their lifestyle choices if they're happy with their own life. I had what you have right now, ALL THE TIME when my 2 DC were school age and I worked 3 days a week.

With all the wifework I did, I worked more than full time. The women who work full time will try and say well I work full time and still do everything in the home and all the childcare and everything, but the truth is, no way does a woman who works full time - and who outsources childcare and often has a cleaner - do as much as part time working mothers.

I was run ragged for many years, and if I could see my time over again I would be a full time stay at home mum. I really believe part time working mothers have the worst deal of the lot. They have to go to work - often a minimum of 2 to 3 days a week, and still end up doing everything else. Their husband/partner won't do much because he has the 'I work full time!' card to play!

Really, the people who are parping on and deriding part time working mothers should just try it themselves if they think they have an easy life! They're clearly jealous, but it isn't any bloody easier than being a full time working mum! In fact - as I said - it's harder for many!

I can’t think of a single woman I know that worked full time when our kids were small. We were all like me, 2 days pw or SAHM.

Never had a single comment.

The thing is they will test you first
So a casual comment will be to see how you react

It wont turn into an interrogation unless you are open to it.

So
" Do you work"
"Yes Im a ..."

" Do you work "
" Yes Im PT atm, Im a xyz , children etc etc

Stop explaining @Watermelon101
They dont care, they just want to jibe at you

In my wider circle I know women that work part time full time and loads that don’t work at all and no one gives a shit what anyone else does.

It’s mainly my dhs parents and some work colleague who have a bee in the bonnet about it.

I get this as a SAHM to a toddler and soon to be new baby. Really annoys me but I just try my best to ignore. My friends husband asked me how I was enjoying being “a lady a leisure”, my SIL said “imagine how tired you would be if you had to work” conveniently forgetting when her kids were young she had a combination of au pairs/nannys, grandparents helping, a cleaner and a dog walker. My husband in his clumsier moments says “I wish I could stay home all day” or “unfortunately he has to go to work” but we have discussed that a couple of times as it really annoys me as I perceive that to be him thinking I’m having an easy time of it doing nothing but he just means he would like to spend time with us and he appreciates how hard I work home with a toddler all day. I do feel incredibly lucky to get to spend my days with my son and I really appreciate my husband working hard at his job but I also feel like my husband is lucky he has the freedom to go for a drink after work, he goes to the gym most nights while I do bedtime, he goes on company away trips and never has to worry about anything children related or if the fridge is stocked or the laundry is done. He’s had to do absolutely nothing to prepare for the new baby arriving I’ve sorted it all which I’m very happy to do but is defintely a perk for DH!

You are doing what’s best for your family OP and it’s no one else’s business!

Questions are not commands. ‘Oh you don’t want to hear about all that, what have you got coming up? Anything fun?’

Bright and breezy brush offs

You need to change the company you're keeping. Most normal sensible people would agree that you working part time enables DH to pursue his career, and as you say, not have to think about the logistics of home and family life.

Tell them to fuck off. None of their business. I don’t judge full time working parents. I don’t judge part time working parent. I don’t judge stay at home parents. But I will bite at judgy bastards and say “my kids are more important than my career” if someone dares to ask why I’m part time. Honestly. You can’t do right for doing wrong. Mums are judged whatever they do. Bet your husband gets no such comments.

There's your answer to be honest, he obviously resented being the main earner and what he saw as 'carrying' MIL all those years, he thinks what she did was worth nothing so he automatically assumes your DH feels the same way about you.

How on earth have you not told him to shut the fuck up when he starts on about it? You could yawn, act bored and wander off if you can't stand to be confrontational, either way life's too short to be taking guff off him or anyone else.

People work different hours for many reasons, not just for having kids. People should be respectful of that.

My situation is very similar, 2DC and I work PT evenings 16hours and honestly my worst enemy is myself. Because my days are 'freed up' I have this negative thought process that I am not contributing when both DC are in nursery/school but then I give my head a wobble and remind myself that I contribute just as much as my husband, if not more but it just looks different. Im free to cover school-runs, halfterms/holidays, sick days whilst juggling the house, my own disability and an actual paid job. My husband is amazing and supports me with everything which does help but I think we are both doing fantastic actually Watermelon101 and anyone who thinks differently can eat my shorts. 🤣

first post nails it. Tell em to fuck off.