Unfair comments about working part time

[Watermelon101]

I’m married and have two school age dc. Dh works full time and I work part time 2.5 days a week.

This works quite well for our family, but it seems to attract a lot of judgement and unwanted opinions from other people.

Dhs job is very well paid but not very flexible. He has to just go where the work is, so this often means very early starts, getting back very late, working away at short notice, loads of travelling. We have zero family help and we both agreed that we didn’t want the dc in wrap around care full time. It’s also expensive besides anything.

There are always loads of things to cover like sickness, school events, school holidays, after school hobbies, so being part time means I can do a lot of these things without us having to use our annual leave.

It suits dh having me working part time because he would have to make massive changes to his work and lose money.

Anyway, I get pissed off because I’ve had various comments from people almost implying that I’m using dh and that he’s doing me a huge favour.

Yes I’m lucky to be able to work part time but surely he’s also lucky to have all childcare covered without having to even think about it, to 9 times out of 10 not have to worry about shopping, meal planning, cleaning and all the rest of it.

You could argue you are working full time running everything for the family, but you only do paid work part time. The cut in family income you both have agreed on is a sacrifice but one you both chose to make as it was your priority as a family. All money is family money. You do loads of unpaid work, he does loads of paid work, both are for the family. Both are equally valuable.

I’ve had that too. Which is what makes it so infuriating.

When one of the dc were babies they went to nursery 3 days and I had comments about how it was cruel leaving a baby with strangers, I had someone say how they could never leave their baby in nursery.

Honestly it enrages me, I can’t win 🤷‍♀️

I would be asking those who pass comment if they’d like to take over everything you do in your house, look after the kids when off school, etc and then you’ll increase your working hours.

the silence will say it all!

I'm surprised anyone is actually responding to these comments. There is no way I'd defend myself to anyone - I'd just make it clear I thought they were very rude for commenting the first place.

I find these threads so weird. Who are these people who make these comments? No-one's ever passed any kind of comment on my working or childcare arrangements, and I'd never dare to comment on anyone else's either. It's just not something that comes up in conversation.

Why aren't you telling Dh to tell his dad to shut up?

Yes they do. Surprise them.

Or asking your FIL when he will be helping you out by picking up your children from school and looking after them whilst you’re still at work?

Anyone with a brain knows that one half of a couple working part time improves quality of life for everyone by a factor of ten billion. It's also nicely financially efficient because the first few thousand aren't even taxed and paid childcare is dodged.
A LOT of the problems on MN are because both parents are run ragged trying to get everything done outside 8am-6pm, when they are killing themselves commuting or trying to focus solely on work despite knowing the kids were rushed into nursery, the kitchen is in chaos and someone needs to buy some food for dinner.
Unless you both earn a lot of money, love your jobs and don't mind employing childcare (I didn't, thought it was great for the children to be cared for by a mix of people) then one part-timer in the couple is the way forward. Imho.

Distance yourself from toxic people.

I'm not a big fan of the "man with a big job / wife sacrifices her career"" model as I feel it perpetuates inequality for wider society

But people should respect your choices

i don't think you need to explain your choices to others that are best for your family at a given time.
If you wanted to, you could argue the work you do at home is of value (if you had to pay someone else to do it it would have a cost value) and you and your DH are happy with your current choices.

Tell your in-laws that you will go back to work full-time if they give you the same amount of childcare as they give to your SIL.

What "other people"? Why do you care? It works perfectly well for you and for your family. Who exactly is judging you? That's insane.

Oh do you know what? They can all F off! 😆

Can't change what others say, but you can change how you react to it. A swift 'mind your own business' should do and stop caring what other people say about how you guys live your life. Honestly, sod them and be happy.

Exactly!
Saying, "oh it's changed our lives, we are all just so much happier and things just work"
And the person listening will think, "God that sounds amazing"
🤣
Or an intelligent person accepts that they love their job enough to put up with the hard labour of full time working, housekeeping and sorting out school bags etc at midnight. They then need to pay £10k for a holiday to fully unwind, whereas a part time family can go camping 🥳

I do get that. Although if the comments were more out of concern for me then it would be a different thread.

But honestly, what are you supposed to do?

If I worked full time I’d be running around everyday to wrap around care. Dh isn’t in an office where he can just nip off. He’d have to get a different job for a lot less pay.

You get DH to explain it the all these people as they don't seem to be listening to you.

It's jealousy
Im a SAHM (but have done all the iterations of FT/PT as a mum) and have a friend who makes these comments, but i know that she wishes she had a partner and children and struggles financially so I let it go as I can see she struggles.

If it's colleagues I just ignore.

None of anyone’s business.
Though are you paying into a pension?

To be fair dh does tell his dad to bore off but it goes in one ear and out the other.

I think you’ve hit could tell that man to F off and it would go completely over his head.

"We are a team and this set-up works for our whole family at the moment. Neither DH nor I feel exploited."

say on repeat MYOB!!

It’s our life and we are happy!

Honestly this sounds like you are reading something thats not there
Of course she has to pay the mortgage on her own, bit of a stretch to make it a snipe at you!

@Watermelon101
Stope JADE
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

People can only trigger whats already there and they do that by crossing boundaries which you weaken further by JADE

Fil when are you blah blah
You Thats none of your concern FIL
Then stop
No justifying, explaining etc
If he goes on
STOP then endcthe visit, conversation
How is yor DH?
I would wonder if hes triangulating your FIL in this