AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

Sorry, I think I quoted you when I meant to quote sunlightspringgg! 🫣 But it kind of applies to yours too.

My point was more just that it annoys me when people say the children will be happier with two divorced parents than they will be with two parents who are married but distant/not entirely happy in their marriage, like it's always the case when it's very much not.

If someone is divorcing because they think the grass might be greener, without first having put some serious work into trying to rejuvenate their marriage, then they should be aware that the kids might not cope and it might not be a better situation. And they should be honest that they're doing it for their own pursuit of personal happiness, not because it's what's best for the children.

So I'd say her other choice is to see if she can get her husband on board with fixing their marriage and getting the spark back, and getting herself a job, before she decides to divorce. If he won't cooperate and she's still unhappy, then that's a reasonable next step - but it's not a step that should be taken lightly when there are children involved.

I totally get you feeling this way and it is very natural to look back and wonder what might have happened if things had been different, but you did what you did for a reason and you can’t change the past.

There’s no guarantee that your life without this man would look like your friends’ lives do - you might still be single, having kissed an array of frogs. You might have married someone your age who left you or makes you miserable.

Rather than chuck in your marriage and disrupt your children’s lives, why not go first go back to work in finance full time and build your career up now?

There is nothing standing in the way of you doing this, and it’s worth a go. It might give you back that sense of independence and achievement, or it might make you feel happier about the way things panned out for you. You might view your friends’ need to work in full time jobs in a different light once you are doing it yourself every day.

Good luck OP, and don’t fall into the trap of blaming your partner for your unhappiness. It’s in ourselves, not in the other person, unless they are controlling/brutal/strongly incompatible.

I have a similar age and earning gap with my dh, though I was 28 when we got together. He supported my return to work after kids and recognises that my career fulfilment is as important as his own. Your dh is incredibly selfish if he can't see that.

Have you looked at solutions e.g a mother's help who could do the school run plus cleaning? If you don't need your full salary for a few years you should be able to pay for things like this so you can get your career back on track and find yourself again.

OP, you are still so young. I am retraining in my late 40s, in a NHS or LA role that will be fulfilling (as in responsible, clear career trajectory should I want it, pension etc) but nowhere near glamorous! I am able to do this because my DH can support us on his income, but I’ve always done a bit of bar work, waitressing, volunteering, entry level NHS admin etc PT to keep me busy anyway. Having three children in quick succession will not be making you feel amorous towards your husband, but in my case there was a certain element of ‘fake it ‘til you make it’ and we are now, with the last one about to go to secondary school, in a very contented place.

You say he is good looking, but do you like you husband very much? Is there affection? Do you cuddle up to him at night, give each other a kiss as you go out the door, occasionally meet for lunch while the children are at pre-school/school? These are some very simple ways of connecting and reconnecting, but you really have to want to. If I understand correctly, one of the benefits of private schooling is the additional wrap around care that is available/bolted on, which should help you if you wish to go back to work or retrain.

My cousin married a younger woman who was in the early stages of a career too. She, on the surface, has a charmed life and has trained yoga/lattes instructor (she’s very bendy) and spends her time teaching classes, going for coffee while the children are in private school and looking after their enormous mortgage free house. She confides that she feels she doesn’t have much of a life/career and resents it in a way. However I don’t actually think she wants to go out and do it because she wouldn’t have the ability to take long extended holidays in her home country at her wealthy parents’ place, so feels a bit conflicted.

I appreciate you are in the fog of child rearing right now, but I would seriously suggest, as mercenary as it might sound, you make an effort with your marriage whilst feathering your nest and securing your future. If your marriage improves and lasts long term, fine. If you simply manage to paper over the cracks and buy yourself some time, then at least you’ll have the foundation from which to rebuild your life.

If your relationship was souring just before your first baby, why on earth did you go on to have two more with him? 🤔

If it was perfect once, it can be perfect again xx Having young children is hard on every marriage, once they get past needing so much daily care it gets a ton easier and you get to reconnect again.

But it can be just as harmful for children to be brought up by parents who are distant from each other.

One of my friends was brought up by parents who loathed each other. The husband had an affair but the wife wouldn’t divorce him for religious reasons.

So they stayed together and brought up three children with a totally skewed view of relationships.

I think I was in a similar situation , in that I fell into a relationship , a few years ago, but WITH NO AGE GAP ( in fact he was2 years younger).. Similar that it was like an arranged marriage. The older person in MY relationship was his MOTHER, whom didn't really like me and I knew I would end up being her carer in later years.....What I did was: I garnered the emotional support from local mums and we would get together for 'outings' and get together with and without the kids. Then I set. About getting back, part time, into WORK to save money and gain some Autonomy from HIM. I Was fortunate enough to eventually MARRY him and so gained a financial settlement upon divorce , quite a few years later when the kids were older. It panned out well, although I had to work and become financially independent gradually over 20 years. This is all my own experience. I hope it gives you some ideas for a Solution to your future. When the kids are little, things are tough, especially with THREE all very young but as they grow up it does become much easier. Get some advice on CONTRACEPTION as this also could need clarity in your mind asPREGBANCY IS ADDICTIVE!!!!!!!!

No relationship is perfect so it’s unrealistic to expect that.

It’s your life, you only get 1 go at it. It’s unfair to your husband as well - he also deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him.

Have done self-respect, leave, work and rebuild your life.

Best line ever. You made the decisions. Now enjoy the golden cage.

You keep saying excuses- I don’t want to put my kids in childcare before and after school etc well your friends who have equal husbands are probably doing just that.

You can’t expect to be completely provided for (and quite lavishly) and yet also have independence? You have to work independently at your own independence. No one can hand that to you on a platter.

I’ve voted you ARE being unreasonable because in my eyes you have nothing to complain about. I’d say 90% of the population would love to be in your shoes. Travelled the world. 3 healthy children. Never a single money worry… we always want what we can’t have and think the grass is greener on the other side. I suppose it’s normal to question what your life would have been like IF… but there’s nothing you can do about it now. I’d suggest counselling for yourself and possibly as a couple before you make any rash decisions. If after that you’re still unhappy and not attracted to your partner then of course you need to leave, but be prepared to be even unhappier. A prince your own age is not going to come along and whisk you and your 3 children away. I bet your friends have been insanely jealous of your life all of these years.

Why all the capitals?

And where does the OP say she’s addicted to pregnancy?

definitely go back to work, and start focussing on your career. Kids in school and after-school clubs etc. Start rebuilding your life, regaining power and self-resepct, and pat yourself on the back for all you have done at a young age. Start today, because you will be glad you did. Don't let another ten years go by. And as you rebuild yourself, you will be clearer about this marriage (which sounds miserable) but focus on the life you want first.

You need to look at getting your career back. You might not be able to commit to lots of overtime but if he is well paid you should be able to afford some childcare options. Once they are high school age it will also be easier whilst people your age will be juggling the difficult nursery and early primary years.

think about whether you want to continue on the path you were on or do something different and look at your options to get back.

Once you have a career back see if the relation ship has improved and if not look at breaking up but I would made the career main priority. Also see if you can do some weekends/days out with friends whilst your husband looks after the kids and see if that helps you.

I think 'loathing' is very different to 'we've lost the spark, and are living more like friends'!

But yes - staying together in certain circumstances can absolutely be harmful. People talk a lot these days about how resilient kids are, and how divorce won't bother them etc, though, and I think it's an over-correction to past attitudes that you should never divorce.

It's usually not ideal for kids to have parents who split up, and if the only reason is itchy feet/the grass is greener, without first having put real, genuine effort to try to fix things, it does seem like a parent putting their own desire for potential romance ahead of what's in their child's best interests.

So imo, it's best to intensively try to repair a marriage that's just 'lost the spark' before you toss it in the bin.

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel this way, but I do think leaving the marriage would be a bad idea. A lot of the things you’re wistful for couldn’t exist anyway with 3 kids, and divorce/ losing all financial stability wouldn’t be good for anyone. Your decisions weren’t bad ones, you’ve just grown beyond them.

But your situation is still a strong one. Financial stability is incredibly valuable and you’re in a strong position to rebuild your identity and sense of purpose with the knowledge your children have a safe, financially secure, and stable home environment. Can you start volunteering or start an Open University course to reinvigorate your career? Yes it will be limited on working hours but you could be building it back up so when the kids are in high school you could work full time.

Therapy could be a really good option for you, to help you with these feelings and to understand what’s best for the next stage of your life. It may also help you to get your marriage to a nicer place. You don’t see him much and he’s not hugely interfering in your life with your children so making that work better would benefit you both- especially as he could leave too if he’s unhappy and then will probably just quickly get another young wife… time to work on the marriage and rebuilding your career, if I were you.

I think it’s huge, sorry OP. There were 13 years between my parents and he honestly seemed like an old man when my mum was still quite young - she was 47 and he was 60 and it seemed a really big gap then. How would you feel if your DH was 63 and thinking of retiring just when you’ve got through the child rearing trenches and want to focus on your career and doing the things you have been putting off. What if he just wants to potter round the house?

My friend was miffed when her husband mentioned her retiring because he is going to and he’s 62 and she is 56 and doesn’t want to yet. And that’s with just a six year age gap.

If you can’t get back to your old career I’d have a serious think about what you could retrain to do that would have the flexibility to work alongside children for the next few years. You’re young enough to do that now but you don’t want to drift for another ten years. Having a career would give you the independence and the ability to leave if that’s what you decide in the next few years. And if you don’t leave you’d still have something that would occupy your mind and stop you hankering back to past mistakes.

There’s also life fulfillment and a lot of women (well people in general) get this through work, especially if the op started out in a promising career

OP it is what it is now.

But yes he knew exactly what he was doing. No adult in their 40's thinks a relationship with someone in their 20's is an equal one. Even if the 20 something thinks that, the 40 something one knows better!

If you don't want to leave right now, and don't want to go back to work full time right now, I'd come up with a long term plan. First step here would for me be retraining and volunteering, both very part time for now and building that up as the kids get bigger. You could do a lot over the next few years to build up new skills, experience and qualifications.

Also, you say he'd never want to not see the kids every day, but I feel this is rather naïve of you tbh. Many, many, many men have their heads turned by someone shiny and new and leave for them.

Right now you're in a very vulnerable position really. Get yourself in a stable position position so that when the kids are a little older you have more options.

Life as a single mother of three young children and no job is going to be a ton of hard work. Unless the husband is abusive or otherwise really terrible that is not an option to choose lightly.
Making any major decision when you are in the fug of having 3 under 6s is probably a bad idea. Noone’s marriage is brilliant at that point, I don’t think, because life is utterly relentless.
Also, sorry, but when you have chosen to have three small children, it is just not fair to upend them away from their dad without very strong reason ie their dad is harmful to them or mum. Three traumatised kids and no money won’t make for a happy life.

L

Many of us having that Sliding Doors moment when we think what if I had done that instead. Maybe consider counselling for yourself and also together with your DH to see if that spark or a deeper kind of love can come back. Many relationships end up as friendships so the trajectory isn't all that uncommon.

Yes except that her husband works in financial services. So he knows how to hide money.

Well it could also be that he spent time on his career and didn’t get settled down and then realised he wanted to before it was too late and all the women his age were taken or maybe he just met the op and was wowed with her.