AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

What would you like to retrain as, OP?

If your husband is so against childcare before and after school, then let’s see him step up and take that on. I don’t imagine you signed up to never being allowed to work again when you first decided to have a child.

You have three small children, of course you are struggling with the loss of what was. And you would if you had the DC at 35 or 45. Children have a massive impact on all marriages.
So stop looking backwards. Start talking about a pension for you, retraining for the future, you may need to support him if he becomes unwell and can't work anymore, hes in snipers ally.

If your pension is non existent then can you ask him to pay into it for you?

You need to get this sorted out so the money has time to compound.

From reading your posts, I would get a part time job and retrain for when the children are older. I would all your salary straight into your pension.

I think you're imagining the grass is greener elsewhere. It isn't.

Ok your partner isn't perfect. Who is? People grow up, they change, they grow apart, experience difficulties etc.

It sounds like you have a pretty good life. Have a think about what you can change in your life before tearing your family apart.

Sometimes people aren't looking for advice but just want to wallow in regret... it's frustrating to reject/ignore all positive suggestions, OP, but maybe reading these responses is a first step in seeing that your position is far from hopeless, or unusual, and thinking about moving things on somehow with the many options you have. It's not really his fault, he can't change the past either.

I do wish people wouldn't throw that blanket 'the kid's'll be alright!' statement out there. As with anything, it's very much luck of the draw as to whether the kids will cope better or worse with a divorce.

I did not state that at all @OtterlyAstounding My point was that the children are still very young and a divorce is not necessarily the worst thing that could happen. Your experience is not the same as all children of divorced parents but this couple really seem to be at the end of the line. Their mother is rueing her mistakes but it is not too late for her to do something about it and create a new home and life for her and her three children. It won't be easy but what other choice does she have? We only have one life and it goes very quickly.

You're not being unreasonable but be aware of 'grass is greener' syndrome. Some of your friends' marriages to lovely men their age will fail and those men will turn out not to be so lovely. Financial security has a lot to recommend it, especially if you have three kids. Why not explore going back and doing further studies, or starting your own business - or even going back to work? It's your life!

You seem to be imagining a version of yourself that would have happened had you not married him but maybe you need to stop doing that. You don't actually know what you would be like now. You might not have met someone else, had a stellar career etc. I'm not saying don't consider your options now, if you're unhappy, but also I wonder if it's unwise to compare yourself against a fictionalised version of yourself

This. Some of us marry people of similar ages, struggle to buy a house, and some even struggle to have the family they want. They then still lose their career
through family demands and after all that, the marriage still goes south.

Some people even repeat that process and find they still don't have what they hoped for. We all imagine what could have been but that's not necessarily what it would have been.

Plan for medium term. Work hard on getting a new career or business off the ground while you are with him and can fund childcare. Prioritise a pension for yourself.

I think you’ve grown out of him. What will you do when the kids are older ? You could restart a career. Sounds like money isn’t an issue so childcare shouldn’t be a problem. You say he’s a good dad but hands off ? That isn’t a good Dad.

You said your relationship never really recovered after your first child. Was it a steady decline or were there good times? I’m assuming that there were temporary improvements as you had two more children.

You dont have to stay with someone you don’t want to be with and it sounds like, although you are worried about the children missing him, as he isn’t hands on, they will adapt.

No, I feel bad for you and can see how it happened. I went out with someone 12 years older when I was 30 and it was fine then (although my family weren't fully on board, he seemed so much older than me and my siblings). I ended though and I am now glad not to be married to a 70 year old.
You may need to sit tight for now while the kids are young but I doubt you will stay in a passionless relationship with your DH for the rest of your life. Maybe an attempt at reconnecting could be made?

It's never too late to live the life you want, to do the things you feel like you missed out on. Within reason of course with children!

If you are not in love with him anymore, good enough reason to go imo. One thing I will say, having 3 young children means most other things go on the back burner and relationships can become strained/dull/perfunctory. I'd see if any relationship is worth saving as you were once so happy - if it doesn't work you know you tried rather than live life in more doubt.

Why can't you go back to work?

Agreed.

If this marriage was happy that would be one thing, as she would have the support of a high earner and insurance if anything happened to him. But if OP isn’t happy he probably isn’t either and even if she would choose to stick at it he may not.

So she has to face the reality that she may get the boot at some point, in whjch case it’s vital she has some way of earning a decent income.

Well I get it but I think you only have the energy to strive when younger. Me and my husband have done so much cool stuff together but I'm past wanting to do the hard bits now.

Maybe just enjoy the quiet life if you can.

are you still in love with your husband?

You are young OP , you can’t see it now but you still have the opportunity to grow both professionally and emotionally.
My career only took off after 30 and by then I had a special needs child but it can be achieved. . I only got together with the love of my life and now husband when I was almost 39 .
Point is , your life is not over , it’s not over because you married the wrong man and it’s not over because you had children . Bit you do need to change it . Find a job , tell him you want to go back to work , get childcare , meet people . And if the love is not there then leave , prepare to leave and start again .

Those are the prices of the choices you made accept them and plan for your future you can't change these those things. You gave up your twenties for an exciting rich older man you can spend your thirties loving your children and planning carefully for your forties and fifties. Do another degree retrain in something else pick up your previous career stop hankering after a lost future and make a new one.

I think a lot of what you’re describing is less “I married an older man and ruined my life” and more the very disorienting reality of having three children under six while your own identity has been parked on the hard shoulder for a few years. That combination can make anyone look at other people’s lives and feel they picked the wrong path.

The grass is very often greener from the outside. Your friends marrying “nice successful men their own age” will have their own disappointments, resentments and quiet griefs that aren’t visible over brunch or Instagram. Plenty of couples who “grew together” also end up feeling disconnected once the children arrive — honestly, what you describe after kids is incredibly common.

I’d give yourself and your husband a bit of grace before deciding the whole relationship was a mistake. Three small children is survival-mode territory. You barely get time to think, let alone nurture attraction, shared interests or a sense of self. Most marriages look considerably less romantic when everyone is sleep deprived and discussing laundry logistics for six years straight.

And while I understand the mourning for the twenties you didn’t have, it’s also true that you did have experiences many people never get — travel, financial security, stability, a family, a comfortable life. It’s not invalid to grieve what you missed while also recognising that. Life is annoyingly non-refundable; every path closes off another one.

You’re also not old. It sounds like part of the sadness is that your world became very small very quickly. But primary-school-aged children are not babies forever. In a few years you will have more freedom, more mental space, and more ability to rebuild parts of yourself that feel dormant right now — friendships, work, hobbies, independence, even the relationship itself if both of you want that.

I suspect what you’re craving isn’t actually “a man my own age”. It’s a sense of equality, momentum and becoming again.

Well, that is a plan. Deciding on how is a good start. WHAT focus to take is the next step.

Some studying and voluntary work in the sector you decide on (once the children are at school) would be good and given that you're looking at a 10 year time frame, you've got loads of time to build up a CV of experience.

I still think you've got to stop thinking of your DH as being in charge though. Stop giving him the power. If it was a joint decision for you to be a SAHM the income from his work should be joint money. And what happens with it needs to be mutually decided. He can't decree you're the servant and he is the boss unless you allow him. No wonder there is no attraction there for you anymore.

You need to get your career back on track and plan your future, just you and your children. Life’s too short 🙂

This so true a near 40 year old picks a young 22 year old because they are a bit naive, adoring and fun. If he's as quietly low level unhappy as you are you need to be prepared for him to jump ship.

You werent forced into any of this? A lot of your posts seem like you're removing yourself from every decision you made as an adult. "I was young and naive" ...you were a university educated adult in a corp role you actively made choices to pursue this man and enjoy the lavishness he provided and still provides? Im sorry your relationship is no longer working, a lot of marriages dont after children (isnt the stat 50%??) But you have options, reconnect, seperate, etc etc. But you need to have a hard think about what you actually want ?