AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

Why do people always want to know if they can meet someone else if they leave
or say stuff like I don’t think I will meet someone cos I have 3 kids

the last thing someone should be thinking about if they are leaving a husband / partner is if they can get another one

I think you need to make peace with choices you made. Your dh didn't manipulate you, you went along and chose to be part of the decision to have a child at 25 and leave your job and then have 2 more children. You need to take some ownership for your own decisions.

Now you need to decide what you want to do. Do you stay home and raise the kids? Get a nanny and return to work? Find a part time job? Find an interest or a hobby.

Life is what you make it. You have a caring husband who provides for all families financial needs. So what do you need to do to be happier?

You were young at 22 you don’t know who you even are as you have yet to become it! He wanted someone he could control - he was nearly 40 marrying a girl just barely out of her teens! He’s got you babied up and trapped in no time and now he’s got his young pretty wife and kids at home and is probably shagging the next bit of young naive skirt to come across his path. He’s a prick! If you divorce take all you can as he’s used you!

But I do agree with others that lots of people feel bored and disconnected with very small kids. I’d still try and salvage it.

As a non tax payer, you can still put £2880 per tax year into a pension especially if you have the funds for it out of your generla household income. It's £240 pm.

Surely, you also have a few years of pension contributions from working before you had your elddest child?

Your reply here is a bit fatalistic. Of course you can’t row back to where you “turned left and got married” but you CAN pick up and have a career. It might mean some side stepping as you get refreshed back into work. And you will have changed somewhat too so you have to think that area of work nor interests you - that takes some figuring out with time.

But gosh, listen I did similar to you. I was massively attracted to a man 19 years senior. Already “made it” and it was so refreshing, I loved who he was. We didn’t have kids together but the age gap really drew out our differences when I was a 40-something and he was almost a 70-something. I also went through that phase of regret.

You are SO YOUNG. You need to be seeing your future in some way that excites you. I had stopped and I thought this was normal.

don’t be unhappy in a marriage. You can still have an amazing life and to be honest you have made no mistakes. Financially you will be ok if you split. You can still figure out a career. You may well have another significant relationship.

One random day I managed to day dream about how I may like to be living if I wasn’t in the relationship. I had to park all the “buts and what ifs” but the main thing that happened was I felt a glint of excitement. I held onto that fleeting thought and it carried me forward. Through the scary times and through the it all. You need to get day dreaming!

You are just at the very start of your “what if…” with this post you created. Keep going.

"LemonPenguin · Today 10:44
OP you sound so defeated, and you don’t need to be! You are so young! No, your life will not take the path you are now looking back at enviously- it can’t with 3 young children- but that doesn’t mean you’re stuck on the path you’re on, either! Go back to work, you will have a load of different challenges to navigate around managing it around the kids (and your DH should share equally in that)- but actually there is something SO satisfying about that too, and you will manage it and feel a sense of achievement in a different way than you ever thought possible. Don’t idealise your friends lives- they will have their own struggles too, everyone does- whether that’s infertility, job losses, infidelity, loss of loved ones, financial difficulties- I mean of course I hope none of these kinds of things happen to your friends, but the reality is they may well envy you with your 3 kids and lovely home, it doesn’t get you anywhere. Get a job, find yourself again; you might find things improve with DH when you’ve also got your own vibrant life rather than being a shadow in his, and if not you can cross that bridge then"

@LemonPenguin has nailed it. This with bells on. Your situation is the reason why I think age gap relationships where one partner is a very young adult are not generally a good thing. As another poster put it - and as you know - your 20s should have been for you to learn and grow and find your feet; your H had his 20s to do exactly that but then whizzed you into a very settled set up which was far better suited to his age than yours.

You went along with that, though, because at the time it suited you to do it. And the advantage for you (not him) is that you will still be young at a time when your children have become pretty independent. First step is to start looking for a job and, if you can't immediately find a job, volunteering while your DCs are at school might be a good way into what you want. You need to find yourself again.

So make that your goal

This won’t be popular but IMO with the exception of abuse and infidelity IMO if you choose to have children in a marriage then you owe it to them to make it work.

One person’s happiness isn’t a justification for ripping apart a family - essentially you’d be trading your children’s happiness for your own.

And while we all like to trot out the line that children from single parent families are just fine/will adapt, the reality is that that comes from wishful thinking and the statistics say otherwise.

No child wants their parents to split up.

No child wants to grow up in two families with multiple siblings and step siblings, being accepted by certain elements of the family and shunned by others.

Children do ok because they’re forced into it.

And then there’s the money. He earns well but as a single parent you won’t be.

And people talk child maintenance but in truth that’s not a guarantee, even if he is a high earner. You only have to look at the relationships boards to know that.

And forget finding a man who wants to take on three kids, and think of the risks of getting involved with someone who might be out to find a vulnerable single parent they can exploit.

The kids won’t be babies forever and you can go back to work thn.

And the one advantage you do have is that because you had children young you’ll still be young enough to enjoy more things in life when they’re older. By the time you’re 45 you’ll have kids all out of the house or in teenage hood and you’ll be in a prime position to do the things you want to.

You have to look at the bigger picture not just in terms of leaving, but in terms of staying as well.

How is he a great dad if he is hands off? Bit of a contradiction there.

Personally (also with a an older DH although only 10 years more) I regret not having babies earlier so I could still feel young once they've flown the nest! So you are still very, very young, and there's no reason to think that you can't get the career you wanted or start saving for something special you might want in the future. Aside from realising you and your DH might be too different, maybe you're stuck in that parental rut where you struggle to see past your being a mother and everything that entails, which is usually a grinding mental load.

Can you try and find a job? Go back to your previous career, or maybe study for something new? I think you need to find yourself more than anything.

there is a big difference between 6years and 16 years out of work. If you want a successful career you should be looking to get back in now and not wait. You don’t need to do full time work.

You learn so much more on the job and from experiencing it compared to studying so will be vastly behind from a skills perspective and age won’t be on your side.

Lots of ppl hinting at divorce. I would disagree though of course OP knows best. Having 3 under 6s, leading such different lives (busy home vs busy office) is bound to increase distance. Marriages do have ups and downs. And your friends who are getting married now might be in your situation a few years down the line. Look at the bright side. You have the funds and presumably the emotional support from your husband to do something interesting. Build a business or do charity work or do something you find you are passionate about and put in as much time as you want or can. You are young and have a lot of years ahead of you to achieve what you may want to. Having a super demanding job where you are not in control and having kids at the same time is exhausting even if you are fairly high on the corporate ladder. Some say in older age you do question whether working insane hours for someone else's company was worth it instead of being with the people you care most about. Good luck figuring out what is best for you!

Completely agree with @ThereAreOnlyShadesOfGrey OP. She said what I was basically trying to hint at. You haven’t given too much information about what exactly your dissatisfaction with DH actually is, but you have children together now and in the absence of abuse or downright nastiness, it would be well worth at least trying to reconnect.

I wonder how much your resentment at lack of career is transferring to resentment of your DH?

I had my eldest with a horrible man, who treated us appallingly. Sometimes I lament to DH that we should have got together when we were younger (we both liked each other but were never single at the same time) as we’d have a nicer house, much older DC, more freedom etc, but it’s impossible to change the past, only how you approach the future.

I'm not sure it's realistic to think you can have 20+ years as a SAHM and re-enter the workforce in a 'good position' that you're brand new at. You would be starting again from the bottom. That's not to say you couldn't advance.

My first husband was 20 years my senior. Some age gaps that size work out well, and everyone ages differently, but it didn't work out for us. I was in my very early twenties and as I was growing into myself, embarking on new things, and being curios about the world, he was only interested in making his life as small and as easy as possible (culminating in a dismissal for gross misconduct 15 years ago and never working again). On reflection, and for want of a better analogy, I was emerging into adulthood and he wanted to shrink into a quiet life.

My current DH is 11 years older but our world views, aspiratons, and interests are similar.

"Right now I’d love to start training/gaining experience in something so that I could return to proper full time work in a good position in 10 years or so."

Good idea to start retraining now so that you can work towards becoming more independent. It might also help you to feel more fulfilled in life. You could also consider counselling for yourself - or couples counselling, in case the relationship can be saved.

I'm seeing this situation first hand with a couple of friends, met their husbands in their early 20s with 15ish year age gap which didn't seem too bad for many years, however now the woman are mid 40s and the husbands are in their 60s, the gap is a chasm. My friends are in the prime of their lives but their husbands are in a completely different headspace. I guess maybe the years of expensive holidays and the large house might make up for a stifled midlife for them, but both marriages are looking pretty shaky right now..

Whilst I wouldn't want to be loveless or put material possessions above all else financial security is a very nice thing to have. As pp mentioned comparison is the thief of joy, a lot of women would love to be SAHM in a nice part of London.
Money problems can destroy relationships and stop people sleeping at night. And stop people from having a place to sleep in at night.
You are actually in a great place to decide what you would like to do with your life, start retraining now and work out what you love. Having children young means there will be lots of options open to you and life will be so much more free when you are only 40! Honestly I think that's a good boat to be in.
Your DH doesn't sound awful, maybe you are both in a rut. But you don't have to make a drastic decision right now.
Start to improve your life for yourself when you are in a comfortable position. See if it's possible to improve your marriage. Don't look back as nothing can be done about the past. You are in charge of your future though. Don't compare as you can never know others true experiences. Good luck.

Sorry but I somewhat agree with this. While there was maybe a degree of power inequality in the relationship, it doesn’t sound like you were forced or coerced into any of this. Regardless I think it’s much healthier and you’ll be happier for it if you can make peace with your decisions and make positive steps forward in the direction which works best for you.
Personally I wouldn’t be aiming to leave, I’d be doing everything I could to make my marriage work while also achieving goals that felt right.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

You seem to be saying that 'everything you wanted in a partner' was the ability to spend lots of money on you. Then you chose to make yourself and your children completely financially dependent on him. Now you're living with the consequences of being with a middle aged, set in his ways husband while you're still young.

Obviously that's water under the bridge now, so you have to look to the future. Realistically, it's unlikely that your relationship with your husband will improve. So you have to decide if you want to continue with what's clearly an unsatisfactory situation or make your own way in life? Obviously this will involve challenges and risks, but you are still young. What do YOU want from the rest of your life?

I actually think you might be being unreasonable. The amount of people that are in marriages but put on the pretence of being happy is more than you think. Could you perhaps work on your marriage? You sound in the thick of life with young children and it’s easy to neglect yourself and your marriage. Realistically, if you like the lifestyle in your marriage, can you replicate that elsewhere.
if not, try to focus on what you can change to improve your life. Restart some of your friendships and try to regain a bit of agency in your life.

"Very hands off" is not "a great dad."

You are in the thick of it at the moment with 3 young children. That would test many (most?) relationships irrespective of age gaps or age or parents. You have the benefit that you are young, with a good degree and will be able to start building a career in your early/mid 30s.

I did my undergraduate degree at 18, alongside a 28 year old with 3 primary school aged kids. She felt behind the rest of us as she was a decade older but she went on to have an amazing career that she hasn't had to juggle with maternity leaves or young children. By age 40 all of her kids were 18+, whereas I had my first at 40!

In a few short years, your kids will all be in school and you will have more freedom to develop your own career. Life may feel a lot more positive?

Edited to add that while I got my degrees, and built a career (as did my partner) we don't have anywhere close to the level of wealth or financial security that your family have. The path in life that you didn't take wouldn't necessarily have been greener. So I think you need to accept the decisions early 20s you made and don't berate yourself for them. Now you are in your 30s make decisions for the future you want for you and your family.

Yeah but if he was a delivery driver on minimum wage who only ever took you to Bognor Regis once I doubt you would've seen him in the same light. So money was definitely part of it.