AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

“I also relate to your situation with the doctoral programme. DH would never tell me that I can’t work. But there is just an underlying understanding that I take care of our children whilst he provides. He gives up all of his time to provide for the children (which he does very well!) and I give up my time to care for them.
He would not consider modifying his own working week whatsoever and would be offended if I asked that.
In no way do I feel like I’m being controlled but DH wouldn’t be up for changing this.”

But you are being controlled, OP. Plenty of men work outside the home and parent in it, alongside female partners who work outside the home and parent in it. That is what DH and i did. That what most of my friends and their partners have done. Until recently i worked at a huge law firm. The male partners took their DCs to school; collected them from school; took them to their hobbies at the weekend. That’s what parents do. Even my friends who were SAHPs when their DCs were young - their husbands were hands on when they were home. Plenty of working parents bring money into the home and parent when they’re home. Hell, i’m nearly 60 - my dad was hugely hands on, as were my friends’ dads (and most of us had mums who worked once we were at school).

This big swinging dick provider shtick he’s got going on - and which you’ve absorbed - is just lazy, sexist, tradwife bollocks. And it is controlling you. Because you’re letting him decide for you that you have to sacrifice your job opportunities because you have to be there to collect your DCs from school. No wonder you’re unhappy.

Yes you are being controlled if you are only allowed choices he has selected for you but will be offended by you going off message and wanting something you chose to do. Are you offended by his attitude?

True, another poster wisely said comparison is the thief of joy, so your friends might actually be more unhappy than you. Why not think about what you can change to make things work together? Do you want to train for a new job, or do some volunteering or charity work, maybe to help families less lucky? Could you start new hobbies with your husband? Train seriously for a sport you've always fancied having a go at, either together or on your own? A lot of people who get rid of a relationship with a caring man regret it, and affect their relationship with their children too.

OP can you explain the timeline of you finishing uni, getting your job and them when you stopped working. It would be useful to get a better grip of this. At the moment it looks like you finished uni, got a much sought after and prized placement in a top accountancy firm where you met your now DH and left after only a year? What happened after that first year? What did your parents say about you leaving that great job? I'm interested in how you got to where you go now?

There's some great advice here but all I can say is, as a woman in her 50s, it's far easier to find love under 40 than it is over 50. Wealthy will always find someone else, so don't worry about him (and don't be surprised if he sticks to someone young - my 55 year old ex-Dh is now going out with a 28 year old: my eldest child is 24). Look after yourself - find a way to get trained up and working again. Ideally leave him whilst you are still young. You only have one life.

I have not read all but to be honest your husband was only 38 when you met not an old man with that much baggage. You’re probably just bored with the responsibility of family life. I guess at least you will be relatively young when kids leave home.

This is the case for lots of couples with young children though, age is irrespective. Having young children often makes marriages tense. Those friends marrying same age partners will have their own relationship issues too.

I would work on your marriage. Try to reconnect. Marriage counselling?

Surely finding the spark again - if you can - is better than being a single mum to three children and all the aggro that will go along with divorce?

Completely agree.

OP, I met my dh when I was 23 and he was 31, we’re 8.5 years apart so not as big as your age gap. I was very family focussed and not particularly career minded at that age and after dating people my own age I was pleased to meet someone established in their career and wanting to settle down and have a family.

We have 3 dc (now young adults) and I was a SAHM for over a decade which I loved. I retrained in a completely different field when youngest was at school and got a part time job in that area. Then a few years ago I took on a second role working for a charity which I love. I feel a new sense of freedom being past the small child phase and can now focus on my career.

Divorce is a huge step not to be taken lightly. I would look into going back to work, either in the same field or something new and see how it makes you feel. There are so many interesting jobs, I’d hate to have worked in just one area the whole of my working life.

Were you a trainee member of a Chartered Institute when you were training? If you don't want to contact your old work, contact the Institute to see what options there are to start taking your exams again. Or that Returners option someone referred to up thread. Or do CIMA - it is all online. Perfect to work around the kids. And in time, see if there are opportunities to cover the other side of a job share etc. Or see if a local form would perhaps use you for payroll one or two days a week etc Or any part time position at the school? ... It doesn't have to be all singing, all dancing - a change is as good as a rest when kids are little and who knows where it may lead. Make sure you are registered for child benefit, even your DH pays it all back in tax, because it means your are regarded as making NIC for your pension. And he should be putting some pension into your name. Which will also focus his mind on encouraging and supporting you back into the workforce. You have painted him bleakly, but speak well of him too - personally with 3 kids in the mix, if you can at all, try to fall back in love with each other. Marriages can have many seasons, I really hope it all works out for you whatever you ultimately decide. Your little one is only 6 months. You are probably exhausted and in the trenches atm. Use the next 6 months to investigate. You are young, just keep moving forward, you can always change direction as you go. Very exciting really - goodluck!

Op I REALLY resonate with so much of what you’re saying. I think the age gap contributes but is a bit of a red herring in that I think it’s also just a different values/attitudes thing. My exh is only 6 years older than me but so, so much of what you say is exactly how it was with him also. It’s a mindset thing - they always take priority, so you end up learning to always prioritise them over yourself.
I left and have never regretted it. Admittedly exh earns nowhere near what it sounds like your H does - we were comfortable but by no means wealthy - which might change things a bit. It meant I had less to lose in terms of lifestyle, plus exh had always controlled all the finances so I never had any money anyway. I was actually better off as a single parent as I had control over my own money and could save and spend it on my own terms.
Like you, I wanted to do things that weren’t just being ‘mum’. I was happy to be mum the vast majority of the time, but I wanted to be me too. He was fine with it as long as it didn’t affect his life whatsoever and he didn’t have to make any kind of compromises or any kind of practical help.
At one point I wanted to do an OU module with a view to a degree. He didn’t ban me or anything, but he talked me out of it because apparently I wouldn’t be able to give enough time to “the family” - this from the man that had absolutely fuck all to do with “the family” most of the time.
The control was subtle and I’m not even convinced it was deliberate all the time, but it was pervasive and persistent and it ground me down. I left because I started to not recognise myself. I thought about the person I’d been and what she wanted from life, and I thought how saddened she’d be to see what I’d become. I looked at him and what life was going to be and what the next 60 years would be like, and it was horrifying.
I can’t speak for everyone else, but I don’t regret it and never have. One of the first things I did when I left was sign up to that OU course - and I did brilliantly, and then damn well signed up again for the next year.
I also have a new OH. We’d been friends forever and we became more than friends. Blending is really not for the faint hearted and if I could go back in time with a crystal ball I wouldn’t choose to do it again, but I would always want to be with my OH. This relationship has been a constant series of “oh, I get that now” where things suddenly made sense in a way they never had. Like ‘long term relationships take work’. Turns out that means you have to make time and invest in the relationship even when you don’t feel like it - not that it should feel like hard work all the time but you have to stick it out anyway.
I can’t tell you what’s right for you, but so much of what you say is so familiar that you could have been me a few years ago. And all I can tell you is I’m glad I went. It was absolutely the right decision for me. I’ve made some wrong ones since, but I’ve never wished for my old life back.

Hi OP

I have come late to this thread but can relate to some of what you wrote. Not about the age gap relationship (my partner is only a couple of years older) but about getting together at different life stages. I got married in my early 20s, first child at 25. He had already passed all his professional exams.

I gave up my professional career after working 2 years. Wasn't happy in it and wanted to be with my children.

A decade in - I missed working. I returned to my career at a very junior level. Worked my way up. During part of this, my husband went part time to support my career development.

So I wanted to say, it is possible to return to a professional career, even after a long break. I did benefit from my husband's willingness to make it work for us as a family though.

One major driver for me was that I wanted to show my daughter that it is possible for women to have a professional career if they want it. That was never modelled to me in my family and I felt the lack of it (lack of confidence as "women don't do these things").

But you knew before the first pregnancy that things weren’t right and still went on to have 3 children? At some point a choice was made to stay and tie yourself even more to him?

You write very well @Enchantee So perceptive of your situation and drawing us into the story. You could fictionalise slightly and write a book.

OMG why are some people so horrible and intent on sticking the knife into the OP when she's poured her heart out? Some people here, their lives must be so unbearably SHIT to be this bitter and twisted.

Haven't read whole thread, but have a look at returnships - specifically aimed at those who have been out of the workplace for a few years. I worked in finance for a couple of years and trust me, you'd be able to get back into yet..yes some compliance stuff will have changed & there'll be even more bunkum compulsory training, but nothing will be that drastically different! You might just have to mark time for a while at the same level, but please don't write yourself off career wise in your early 30s! Get a plan underway while you're still flush though, everything will unavoidably be harder if you do split up..

My advice would be to wait until the kids are in school, hire a full time nanny-housekeeper even if it’s costs all your salary. Then get very secure in your job before leaving (or maybe the spark will return).

Why do people describe care work as wiping bums?

The reality is that you don't know what the sliding doors version of your life would have looked like. Maybe you would have had a series of relationships in your 20s and never found the right person until your child-bearing years were past. Maybe you would have married a great guy a similar age, built a life together, then come home at 38 to find him cheating with the new 22-year-old in the office. You just don't know.

I would see a career coach who can suggest some roles you may not have thought of, but be aware that the world of work is massively changing. I think someone has said this already, but law is only going to get more competitive - firms are reducing their graduate intake because the work that used to be done by grads can now be done by AI. (This is in Australia, but the same factors apply the world over and I don't imagine it would be very different in London.)

In your shoes, I would consider starting a business. If you don't have to worry about hitting a certain income, then you can choose how many hours you work and only take on fulfilling work that you enjoy. Think about what you could do with a degree in economics, and what other degrees you could add on to create a unique combination that fills a niche. Could you combine AI with your economics knowledge? Start a Substack talking about current events through an economic lens? Start a podcast interviewing top economists? Tap into your old graduate networks or your DH's networks to get guests. That would allow you to still use your brain, make contacts in business and build an independent profile for yourself. Honestly, OP, there is SO MUCH you could do that would be rewarding and flexible if you don't need to chase dollars to get through the day.

Seriously, the world is getting very uncertain at the moment. My family went from two earners in secure, above-average income jobs to both being made redundant in six months. DH was offered the option of another job when his was made redundant. He didn't want it but had to take it because my redundancy came first. I've started a business and am enjoying it but there is pressure to hit a certain income to contribute to the family, but also pressure not to take on too much and work evenings and weekends because DH says if I'm going to do that, I may as well be back in the office and earning a reliable income. It is really scary how things are going to unfold in the next decade and many people would love to be in your shoes and not having a constant feeling of dread about whether they will be employable in a few years.

Also, a lot of people find the spark dies when their kids are young. Stick with your DH for now, find something fulfilling for yourself and reassess how you feel in a few years when you have reclaimed an independent identity.

OP, have you posted here before about this? I remember a very, very similar thread sometime in the last couple of years.

If you're still feeling the same way, maybe you should just part. Life's too short to be in a marriage you haven't wanted for a long time.

OP, you and @Enchanteehave so much in common because you were 100% targeted as young women by controlling men.

Men who didn't want a peer but a pretty young woman that would stroke their ego in public, whom they could treat and appear like Billy Big Bollix to, showing them the world.

I have seen this played out so often in my professional and private life, and came across it in my own life briefly. Yes you fell for it and didn't think long term, but many don't at such a young age.
What were your parents thinking🙄, they badly let you down.

I have a child of 22 and the idea of her with someone 16 years older contemplating marriage after university, makes my skin crawl.
I absolutely think you need to look at some therapy.
You are being controlled.

He spends lavishly to keep you in line via the children and providing for them.
You would be the selfish one to take the lifestyle from your children.
This is all very deliberate.

He's not paying into a pension for you?
Of course he isn't.
Part of growing up is not lying to yourself. He knows well what he is doing.

He absolutely controls you, and likes it that way. You are parent and child, not peers or in any way equal.

Poor @Enchantee,her whole life thrown away on an old man and his controlling ego.

Get yourself into therapy. Get yourself into a careers coach and start planning your future. Give yourself options so that in 5 years time you are not still here.
You are not going to want to face into retirement with him.
This feeling will only grow.
You do not owe him your future.
You have given him far too much already.

I do think youre being unreasonable. Sounds like you went after the money and his status so much as admitted it. You would really be bought by a few flashy holidays, a 'nice part of London' must cost him a bit too eh? Oh dear. How could you be attracted to a near 40 year old when youd been a teen only a few years before? All your mates with good looking, fun lads and you with a dad look-a-like, how on earth did you think that would end? Did you not take any of it into consideration before bringing kids into the problem too. How weird for them as well. You made your bed.

What career achievements?

(she worked 1 year in 9)

Bachelor degree and a-levels (hardly impressive, half the country has that now)

She's not a qualified anything. Didn't finish accountancy or professional qualifications, not a member of a specific union...

God, some people 'big up' nothing...

She's had an easy life paid for by someone else who she latched onto ASAP. She didn't sacrifice anything... There was no career. She had barely got going.

I can't believe posters are advising her to ask her husband if he can help her to get back into work in his company.. Long live nepotism :) (take someone else's place/opportunity why don't you)...

Remember she quit her grad trainee job aged 22... For the hols and easy life.

We all know the type.

The opening paragraph here is farcical...

Turn it around... She saw a rich, single sucker who would pay for her life, offer luxury holidays and lifestyle, enable her to quit her job without gaining any professional qualifications, immediately, and she thought "yep, I'll have a bit of that!" (and will leave the lads her own age to struggle as we all did at the start of any professional career).

In old parlance "her head was turned... And she lapped it up!"

He paid. For everything. All his 15 years of hard work and his struggles finally got the dolly bird...

You can’t go back and the life you think you might have had, was never a given. If you want to move forward then you first need to own the choices you made.
The future isn’t written yet and you still have opportunities open to you but if continue to wallow in what ifs, then history will repeat itself and you’ll rob yourself of a different ending to your story.

I think the fact he doesn't pay into a pension for you and as far as I can gather, you don't feel comfortable talking to him about that, says it all.

He doesn't have your best interests at heart OP, so you need to take care of yourself.

I have student children, 22 is no age at all. I think he absolutely knew what he was doing, and has put you well and truly in a gilded cage. You were too young to see it, that's not a crime.

The good news is though that you are young and in a pretty good position. I would really recommend that you go and talk to someone to try and unpick how you feel and what you want. He's not going to make it easy for you to get your independence back, whether you do that within the marriage or decide to leave. You'll need support and it doesn't sound like you have had any from your family.

The handess maiden is a really good recommendation. It's a difficult story to read and you'll have to read it a few times and really sit with it to let it sink in. It does have a happy ending though and this is possible for you, even if it doesn't look quite like the fairy tale you imagined

You're young enough to train for a different type of job and pay into a pension scheme.

Think on that, you might enjoy it.