AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

I too married a man much older than me. I also felt like that when the children were little - looking back it was because we were both exhausted! Small children are definitely passion killers! I too could see my friends going on and doing well, having great holidays, getting great promotions, and felt I was falling by the wayside. It was really tough for quite a few years.

Is it possible you are in the same place? Is it just exhaustion and the tough routine of motherhood that’s actually making you feel like this? Perhaps a bit of depression?

For us the situation improved immeasurably as the children got older. Much to my surprise I ended up back in my career (which was totally unplanned) and ended up zooming up the corporate ladder - in fact my best career years lay ahead, though of course we didn’t know it then.

In the interim quite a few of my high flying friends fell by the wayside. As for us we did have to work at our relationship for a few years but it was worth it long term - but only you can decide if it’s worth it for you. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the hill, even if it can look that way.

You say you grew apart after your first child - has he already earmarked another young woman for when you, eventually (and you will), leave him?
Don't feel guilty as such, but maybe think back about whether, given the power and age imbalance, there was an inappropriate element to your relationship. Especially the pushing you into children so quickly.
You are free to leave a situation that is making you unhappy - you’ve a lot of years left to live x

OP, your feelings are very understandable, but I'd just say it's very easy to regret the paths we haven't travelled and dwell on the downsides. You married young, yes, but as a result you have three beautiful children with a man who sounds like he has treated you decently and that there was mutual love in the beginning. It's not always easy to be a SAHM and you should be proud of what you've achieved so far in bringing up your family.

I think it's important to differentiate between two issues here: a sense of FOMO over what you could have had with your career instead of being a SAHM, and your relationship with your husband.

You're still young, and at the rate we're going in the UK, many of us are going to be working until our 60s- so you have potentially 20-30 years of career ahead of you. Why not leverage your family being financially secure to use this opportunity to explore careers and upskill yourself? Nowadays many people have multiple career changes throughout their lives, you won't be the first or the last to take this step.

In terms of your relationship with your husband: it's worth reflecting very carefully on whether your unhappiness stems from dissatisfaction with him as a person or how you feel he prevented you from living the life you might have had without him. Objectively speaking, is he a decent man, and does he love and respect you? Is he willing to listen and compromise, does he care about your happiness? Do you love and respect him, and care about his happiness?

It's not worth staying in a relationship if the answer to all of this is no. However, if there's love and respect, communication and compromise can go a long way.

If he is a decent man, you owe it to be decent to him (which isn't the same as staying with him. If you don't - and can't- love him anymore, he deserves to have the chance to be with someone who loves him).

Just to share my perspective: I sincerely empathise with you, albeit from the other side of the coin. Being in my 30s and dealing with unexplained infertility, it's difficult not to dwell on what could have happened if my DH and I had started TTC when I was younger and more fertile. But what use is regret?

What do you dislike about him now? What are the differences?

Hi OP. First of all, I can't believe you didn't have family or friends screaming blue murder about you even dating a 38 year-old, let alone marrying him! Wtf! You were 22, straight out of uni. When you are 38, a 22 year-old will seem like a child. It's ridiculous and says a lot about his character. I'm sorry, I find it creepy. Was he not embarrassed to be out and about with a girl just out of uni? I have a daughter who is 21 and no way would I be entertaining that.

However.., you could have been with a high earner of your own age and still ended up a SAHM by default. Age is a separate issue to earnings / wealth really. Especially with 3 kids, the lower earner is likely to shift into a SAHM role if married to particularly workaholic high earner. It is what it is. It happened to me. I met my DH at 22. He was just a couple of years older, but by 30, he was earning hundreds of thousands, while I was on a fraction of that. Then it all snowballed financially in our 30s and I didn't go back to work because I didn't need to, frankly. And why leave your kids if you don't need to (or want to). Now I'm 54 and haven't worked since I was 30. I don't regret it - but I also see how easily (and subtly) it can happen.

On the plus side for you, you are a younger mum. So when your kids are off to uni, etc, you'll still only be in your 40s. You will have money (presumably, whether you divorce him or not) and I know 40 probably seems old to you now, but it's a lot younger than 60 (which is the age many women of uni aged kids are who put off having children until their late 30s due to their career). So I guess the freedom you might feel you are losing in your 20s, you will gain back in your 40s, if you see what I mean?

Have you thought of training in something you can do flexibly? Maybe talk to him about investing in properties you could renovate? I did this for a phase and made more money than if I'd stayed in the career I was previously in. Corporate law is too much, in my view, with kids. Plus there will be less vacancies due to AI in the very near future. Loads of professions like accountancy etc are likely to largely cease to exist anyway. Di you may have actually dodged a bullet.

So I would advise 'future proofing' yourself. Maybe thinking about training in a career that will be less negatively impacted by AI. By the way, it's never too late to retrain and reinvent yourself -if you want to.

I think you sound very honest and level headed and I think you'll be ok, whatever you decide to do. Good luck!

Why does he get to decide that you should do the drop offs? Plenty of women work and don't do the school run both ends of the day

Honestly OP, you need to get back to work - the children won't be this age for ever, and you'll be really stuffed in 15 years time if you don't get back to work.

I know you want a career you can see yourself achieving well in but maybe just start with a part time job or some volunteering to get you back in some sort of work, mixing with new adults and using your brain. Ultimately it's not selfish to your children to make yourself a happier and more fulfilled and well rounded person because that will be better for your kids too.

Be clear to your husband that what you want more than expensive things are time to invest in yourself and who you are. He might be hurt that luxuries aren't enough but tough - you need to be honest that you are feeling unfulfilled as an adult and individual. He needs to realise you are a person too.

OP beware of confusing the exhaustion of having three young children with wanting to divorce your husband. I disagree with PP that he isn't a great dad because he's not hands on - presumably his hard work means you get to be a SAHM and don't have the stresses of paid employment/juggling childcare/finding childcare etc.

It gets easier as kids get older - you will find it easier to fit in paid work and get your own career back on track.

I would try hard to make the marriage work, being a single parent isn't easy (I say that as one long term). However if you try to rekindle the marriage and accept that the young years are challenging and still find you've had enough of the marriage, then leave. There are always options.

Doesn't make sense.

Covid lockdowns started 6 years and 2 months ago.

You said your oldest child is 6.

So how were you furloughed due to covid years before you even fall pregnant?

Rereading the op’s messages I think she might have had the baby a lot quicker in to the relationship than she’s made out and was only 23. She mentions having hit her late 20s so could actually be 29.

Have you considered studying CIMA accountancy - my husband did it when our son was a baby - studying from home with a college day once a month or so (I think) on a Saturday. He already had a uni degree (law) but wanted to retrain. Could be worth considering.

Of course she wouldn't have!

I think you may find it helpful to talk to someone about this. You've had some good suggestions here about how to improve things, but I think you might need to sort out in your head whether your relationship is the issue, or just an indicator of your personal feelings about where you are going in life. I would think hard before burning it all down; make sure you take the right actions in finding what you want from life. Some counselling or therapy either for you, or as a couple might help you to untangle the thoughts in your head. I wish you all the best.

Please, OP, don't go the divorce no fault route and create another unhappy blended family with some divorced man out there

Im confused. You said earlier he works very long hours, you live separation lives, he does no parenting etc. But he sees the children (and you) morning, evening (and as your children are quite young that must be still early) and the weekend. Thats more than lots of parents... many parents leave for work before their children are up, and many more work weekends. His routine sounds completely normal for a full time working sole earner. What exactly do you expect?
You are totally disregarding all the posts about studying while being a SAHM. Nobody says start tomorrow, your baby would be at least 10 months by the start of the academic year. And you don't need to do a full time course, so its just being dramatic to say "put my baby in full time nursery". Thousands of people manage to complete qualifications while working full time, so im sure you could fit it around parenting- IF you want.
You are also very focused on only high earning careers. You have no idea what would have happened if you hadn't gotten pregnant.... maybe you wouldn't have been promoted. Maybe you would, but had no time for relationships seeing as you are so career and money driven and now you'd be posting on mumsnet that all your friends are settling down and you have missed out.
Maybe you'd meet a lovely.partner in your 30s, but have to leave your high flying career if you had children and then maybe your partner would turn out to be a cheat! So.. STOP imagining this amazing life you might have had.... that is just fantasy.
Also, your timelines don't add up. Your eldest is 6, so you were on maternity leave in 2020, not furloughed due to Covid. And even if you were - what about the 3 years that you were enjoying the jet-set relationship with your DH? We're you not working then?
Also - what 2 year old goes to primary school? If you are that concerned about not having a nanny or having your baby in childcare next year, why isn't your 2 year old home with you?

All I thought reading it was that you’ve focused a lot on material things he has provided and not so much on his personality. What’s that like? Has the glamour of a care-free lifestyle simply worn off?

have You tried talking to your husband about wanting a career and how you can work together to make it happen. Presumably he is working with a lot of driven and successful women and helps them to develop in their careers so should understand it.

Does your 2 year old get much homework???
Seriously though - the other stuff. Pretty normal where one parent is at home and the other is the sole earner. Babies and toddlers (yes, your 2 year old is a toddler, not a schoolchild) clothes size changes every few months, unless he was buying them clothes very often how would he know their size? And why would he be doing that when there is a parent at home to do it?
Your expectations of parenting aren't very realistic.

You are giving up a lot to raise three wonderful children, so you have a lot to be proud of. Your career achievements before children are impressive too; don't undersell yourself and good luck for the next chapter 💐.

He doesn’t want one of those. He had plenty of years to marry one of them. He wanted a young trophy wife, and he got her out of her career asap. He isn’t going to facilitate her return to work. OP has made that clear - she said he won’t want her working full time or missing school runs.

Eh? She worked for a year in an entry level graduate role… I mean, it’s better than some people ever get but it’s hardly an achievement.

And raising kids is wonderful, but pretty sad in the 21st century for it to be the only trying you’ve achieved. If it totally fulfils you, then that’s fine and that’s enough. But the OP is not fulfilled.

Why blow smoke up someone? Just say it how it is. At the moment, no, she hasn’t had much for herself. And it’s through choices she made. But it’s not too late to change that, but she will need to step away from the rich husband as he won’t “allow” it.

You seem to looking for the unattainable, to get back on track with where you were before you married. He wanted a young women to mould into his ideals of what a wife would be like - a doll with no independently moving parts. Life outside the gilded cage will be a lot tougher though. You might be able to repair the marriage but it has to be a marriage of equals if it's going to work long term.

I think we are all wistful for a version of life that didn’t materialise the way we visioned it to.
For me, the main issue I have a slight concern over is you have no assets (house) in your name, are not married (I believe) and smaller earning power. Should you split you may financially struggle, however this is no reason to stay.

Your friends may look at you and see you settled in a nice house, you're not happy but then maybe they’re not either. I saved in my 20s and I feel I missed on nice holidays that I now cannot afford.

You have 3 lovely children, firstly I would look to try to rekindle your relationship, this is difficult with young ones so ensure regular date nights even if once a month, also try to make your own / joint friends too. You could be utterly exhausted, this plays havoc with your senses. The way you describe him in a post I think it could be worth saving.

should the relationship not work maybe even with therapy then you know the route.

I was in the exact same situation, luckily I did not have children - primarily because my exH did not want any. I'm really grateful for this, otherwise I doubt I would have left. It also allowed me to have a job I wanted so when I finally left I was able to support myself.

All I could say - it was a great relationship for 7 out of our 13 years together. It should have ended there, maybe earlier. Some relationships are not meant to last.

You still can leave if you want. Kids or no kids, you only have one life. Believe me, most of your mates marrying young guys will be divorcing, too... so don't feel envious. You had a different experience, not something they had. It not worse or better, just different. You just need to decide what you want to do with yourself now. You can study, have a career, buy a house by yourself if you want to. Maybe even meet someone different. Just dont settle for something that is "safe" - its never a good decision.

Getting a degree and a grad job with one of the big four is a massive achievement. Yes, the OP has regrets and is keen to have a fulfilling career but she is young and shouldn't be too hard on herself and feel as if she has nothing to be proud of . There's plenty.