AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

Oh yeah. <checks for full moon>

She said that she started it aged 22, after finishing her degree, but never finished it before leaving following the baby. Presuming she was doing aca or equivalent this typically takes 3 years to complete (when doing it via the big 4).

So? It isn’t compulsory for the OP to answer every single post

You could split and then get a job/career/voluntary role.

Or you could get a job/career/voluntary role from your current position, and then see if you want to stay or go.

SAHM can be incredibly frustrating, demoralising and lonely. It's unfair that just one person gets to have a career. It's your turn, whether that's covered by your partner or childcare.

I think the sahm-working dad dynamic can breed contempt both ways. Including if the working dad works from home.

The working dad thinks the sahm has nothing to do at home all day, "why isn't the house tidier" etc.

The sahm thinks "work, eh, how hard can it be? Dh doesn't seem to do much all day but jabbering nonsense at meetings, I reckon I could do that, easy"

Obviously they're both mostly wrong but a tiny bit right at the same time.

Don't you usually do those qualifications alongside working though? It's not my area but I thought that's what my friends did

Yes it’s alongside working. The op started a training contract where she was both working and doing the qualification at the same time (the qualification requires both passing exams and a certain amount of work experience)

It might not be fun, but sometimes we sort of skip "developmental tasks" in life (e.g. when we can fast-track to our next goal) and have to revisit them later. In my case, for example, having fun: I never did, when young, so I made up for it in my 40s after divorce. I think we remain varguely aware of gaps in our life experience, and what we've overlooked, and it can all haunt you if you're not actually happy with your lot once priorities have changed.

I you became a teacher ( maths? economics?) you could work once your kids were in school snd have holidays off?

If you want a second degree without paying for the HE, perhaps a social worker? But it's not part-time; even the master's conversion course is brutal in terms of hours. Why not a law degree/master's part-time, or, if I were in your situation, I'd pick something for pleasure that I enjoy, perhaps interior design, fashion, political communication, writing, or something creative. Realistically, you won't get divorced. You want something fulfilling, not a slog; you are not going to be solely supporting the children; you are free to do what you please. Dont get bogged down with the what-ifs, and look at the positives of your situation. You will feel enriched, and your relationship will feel more fulfilled if you have the intellectual stimulation. Work towards this life by researching what interests you and how to get to the point of enrolment

What’s your problem?

I defended OP against a nasty poster a few pages ago. I am on her side.

OP does not want to work or divorce now. But the pension thing is so damn important. I am emphasising it because I care. The OP is of course free to ignore me.

I think you should put your energy int finding a career you love and want to do. That will make you much happier than a divorce and starting over.

I am a single mother of two with a full time “high intensity/high power” role in a field like those you’ve mentioned.

Yes I use nursery and wrap around care but it is 100% possible to have a great career in finance or law without a high earning husband at home!

A law conversion is hard work though and getting and then completing a training contract is tough.

Of course you married for money; don't deceive yourself. You reference the fabulous holidays but nothing about him.

And OP can start the pension now. If her husband refuses then that says something about him, and it’s not good.

You now have to take back control of your own life. I would start with hiring a nanny and getting back to work.

I don’t think the pension is the key thing here right now. If she starts building a career then a pension will start being built up and she’s presumably down on her husbands pension/life insurance for the time being

OP, I think your predicament is more common than you think. There is 9-10 years between my parents who have now separated after 35 years of marriage and being quite obviously painfully incompatible and having very minimal common interests and shared experiences. My household was one where my parents didn’t argue but just bumbled along, dispassionately. It really impacted on me and how I navigating my own relationships so please don’t feel you have to stay together for the kids because they absolutely will pick up on it. The best example you can set for your kids is to demonstrate that as long as you give it your best shot at achieving your dreams then you’re doing enough and that you should never “settle” for someone who doesn’t provide social and psychological safety but also real romance.

Both my children went to nursery full time from 6 months old - it really is what’s necessary if you want to be a driven career woman!

And they have not suffered for it for a second, they have grown up to be lovely, intelligent, social and beautiful children

Well she said at the start that she has no pension. And who knows how quickly she will build this career; it doesn’t sound like it’s any time soon.

Anyway, I will leave it there as I have made my point.

I too would say tbe pension thing is essential. Those early years paying in are critical.

I think you’ll find your pension is actually very good- it’s half of your husbands.

You made the decision to give up a career with high earning potential because it was the best option for your family. You are full time at home and he is full time at the office. The fact you have three kids means you’ll get a very good settlement in a divorce. Especially if you take on the kids most of the time ( there very little chance he can 50/50 with those hours)

I think you need to divorce and go your separate ways. I’m sure you’ll have the funds to re train in a good job that offers the ability to combine looking after kids and having a career. It sounds like you’re early 30’s - lots of people change careers then.

Sounds great! You’ll be divorced and wealthy. Still plenty time to meet someone new and you’ve already had your kids so you won’t need to worry about finding someone to have kids with - the pressure is off!

Yes, and it's not either/or. OP could begin paying into a private pension immediately, do so over the next few years until she gets back into work and later get into a career with a good occupational pension too.

Would you consider working again, restarting the career? You could employ au pair or nanny? It might help you in finding yourself again.
Of course its very different if you enjoy being stay at home mum and dont want a change..