AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

Not true that F1/2 can’t be done part time, FYI

Sit down with you husband and tell him you need to get a small bit of your life back. Maybe find a job so you have a little bit of you time even if it is being at work. It will help you mentally and give you a bit of freedom. There is always childcare and it sounds like he can afford it. Does he know how you feel?

It feels that you are just staying with him because you don’t have a better option right now? While you’re absolutely right to want to better yourself in terms of employment opportunities, a career path and a pension pot it also feels you are planning to leave him once those things are ticked off your list?
I don’t know but this all just seems so sad and maybe a bit calculated.
You don’t talk of love, trying to rekindle your relationship or focusing on repairing your marriage at all.
Have you completely emotionally checked out OP because if you have I actually feel a bit sorry for him?

Hmm but you didn't return after that 1st baby when you were still employed . At some point you made a conscious decision to give in your notice rather than :
a) Ask for pt hours
b) Insist DH do his share
and
c) Get some childcare

Even though you were still early in your career and unsure about the marriage.

Can you talk us through that descision. It does make me think about coercieve control.

Yes pt but not school hours there will be long days, nights, weekends.

Furloughed? For how long??? That was only for a few months!!!

Yes I did.
I obviously fell completely in love with my baby. We didn’t need the money. DH preferred that I stayed at home and I was happy to be able to spend lots of time with the baby. I handed in my notice before my maternity leave was up.

Sorry if someone has already mentioned this but if you passed some accountancy exams then they may still be valid. You could also perhaps use them to get exemptions in other accountancy qualifications. ICAEW is more strict as you need a training contact but you could study for CIMA or ACCA when your children are at school and don’t need a job to do the exams. You’ll be starting at the beginning whatever you do so to me it makes more sense to start with what you were originally interested in.

Your DH prefered ? I bet he did. Having been able to focus on his own career throughout his 20's and 30s, he was in a much better position already then encouraged you to compound that inequality. Please tell me he pays into a pension in your name ?

Exactly. OP, in the scenario you're describing, there are likely to be a lot of money worries. I think you should count your blessings, and try to reignite the spark between you and your DH.

That word jealous is revealing.

It was brilliant when you were 22 and a still pretty young guy was whisking you away on lavish holidays etc. But reality is now kicking in and that age gap isn’t as appealing. It can work for some but not others. By your own admission, you’re jealous of women making it with smart, successful younger men.

Just make sure you don’t end up like the protagonist in The Eagles ‘Lying Eyes’.

OP your husband is educated and a professional yet has not discussed setting up a pension for you? If you are not ending this marriage then please discuss this asap and get a pension for yourself and make sure he pays in monthly. Please.

This^

@Agegapwoes

Grass is definitely not greener.

You have 3 Young kids..... That is a significant responsibility on your own.

See what you can do to upskill and redefine and rejuvenate in your current setup before you throw it all away.

You will know you have tried before you walk away.

OP, I just want to say how impressed I am at the way you've handled the responses from some very bitter posters who've made harsh and unfounded assumptions about your character. They've stereotyped you as the woman at work that they're worried their own husbands will fall for.

How about doing a teaching qualification and teaching Economics (as your degree is in it), Maths (assuming you have FM A level?) or maybe Chemistry (assuming A level)?

Great timeframe for anyone with a family and Maths and Chem are definitely in huge demand. Not fantastic pay but you personally don’t need cashflow currently. When your husband retires you would still be able to travel with him. HTH

It does sound like something within accountancy or finance would make sense.

It sounds like you could probably afford childcare and to use the time to study or retrain. There is nothing wrong with nursery - especially as you can afford a decent one. My kids thrived there and it socialised them and gave them a great start. Just because corporate is what you know, you don't have to stick to it. You're older and wiser now and have experience of being a parent so don't have to go back to the path that your 22 year old self started on. You could be a child psychologist, a software developer, a counsellor... there are lots of possibilities out there for you. I'd start with some strengths-based careers coaching which will get you focused on what you could be, not what you gave up.

You could tutor maths and economics online without a teaching qualification and see if you like it. Quite satisfying helping young people pass their Alevels.

You are comparing your life now with one that no longer exists. If you don’t want to get childcare and work then your choice is to either continue as you are or be a single parent living off child maintenance.

The grass isn’t always greener. I have a job. I miss school events and kids go to childcare in the holidays. I’m constantly rushing around and have no time for myself.

We didn’t need the money

I said this upthread... that's all part of it. Without financial urgency, it's hard to graft away at a job knowing you don't really need to. It takes someone truly exceptional to put up with workplace shite and keep striving, even when they don't need the money. I'm certainly not that kind of person and neither are you, op, and that's fine. We're both still fab. Don't take it to heart.

You can still get some part time term time only work, like lots of other SAHMs do, or volunteering, or just enjoy the SAHM life.

But trying to study for a law conversion or accountancy exams in between settling toddlers for naps, and then embarking on a high flying corporate career with a decade of unemployment behind you... it is just impossibly difficult. I certainly couldn't do it.

You'd need at least two of:

1. A very supportive hands-on dad for a husband
2. Childcare, and lots of it
3. Incredible self-discipline and graft
4. An urgent need for the money

Or tax accountant, specialising in something in EU taxation or somewhere else niche.

Every career is a lot more than just studying, you need to do training which involves working. You need to find a way to get some work experience alongside any studying.

going back into accounting would be the easiest approach but if that doesn’t interest you find something else be prepared to do a training contract.

getting a career sees important to you so make it happen. Waiting till you are in your 40s won’t mean it’s impossible but it makes it lot less likely.

Fair enough, you don’t have to actually work there but having previously worked there before you have an ‘in’ to have the conversation. Then you can use the information as you like.

Enquire using your maiden name of course.

I think if you are going to make any of this happen you will need to be somewhat tenacious and willing to grab at openings, even for a conversation. When you are 21 and a new graduate the recruitment process is set up for you, now you have stepped off that conveyor and will need to make your own openings.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting childcare for your children. Some will act like it's a slight against their choices or circumstances, but it's nothing to do with anyone else what your preferences are for bringing up your own children.

After being a SAHM for most of my adult life I went back to work as a 45 year old when my kids were nearing the end of secondary and I decided it was time to divorce (my reasons were different, abusive marriage). And it was fine. I'm in a better financial situation than when with my high earning XH.

All this talk from you of “graft” and “grafting” makes me think you’re watching too much Love Island. I didn’t realize people actually use that word outside of that show.