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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

877 replies

Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 08:47

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

OP posts:
74username52 · 13/05/2026 19:09

You are full of excuses why you can’t work.

Won’t use any form of childcare, even though you can afford to.

Your husband won’t like it.

Can’t start at the top (do something else then).

tulippa · 13/05/2026 19:13

Be careful doing a master's and having no work experience. DH did this when he was a SAHD and it took him ages to find work afterwards as he was overqualified with no relevant experience. He had to do voluntary work for a year to get some experience on his CV.

Mysteron1 · 13/05/2026 19:13

I do feel the OP is getting a bit of an unfair bashing. Just further to my point OP about being able to do F1 & 2 part time - I know a PP was just using medicine as an example rather than a serious suggestion - but I don’t think medicine fits in with the career hopes/aspirations you’ve described. Medicine is essentially years of poorly paid, pretty inflexible hard graft before the increasingly dubious “reward” of CCT-ing. In short - I’d consider other avenues! Best of luck to you tho xx

Neurodiversitydoctor · 13/05/2026 19:13

BadSkiingMum · 13/05/2026 19:01

Fair enough, you don’t have to actually work there but having previously worked there before you have an ‘in’ to have the conversation. Then you can use the information as you like.

Enquire using your maiden name of course.

I think if you are going to make any of this happen you will need to be somewhat tenacious and willing to grab at openings, even for a conversation. When you are 21 and a new graduate the recruitment process is set up for you, now you have stepped off that conveyor and will need to make your own openings.

Show quote history

But also that was 10 years ago- better economic times....also OP why did you not get your exams during COVID if you were off for 18 months, if you are so hard working ?
.

Alouest · 13/05/2026 19:16

Cat3rpillar7 · 13/05/2026 16:40

Absolutely agree. There's a lot of jealousy that your DH earns well.

Have you looked at any "Returners" programmes? Bank of England and civil service have them (or at least did). The House of Lords has one. There's a charity, Career Returners, that might help.

From a mum also with three small kids but holding down a full time job, good luck!

Show quote history

Agree with Career Returners. I know the founder and she is absolutely fantastic. There are lots of resources on the website. You should definitely take a look.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/05/2026 19:17

Neurodiversitydoctor · 13/05/2026 19:13

But also that was 10 years ago- better economic times....also OP why did you not get your exams during COVID if you were off for 18 months, if you are so hard working ?
.

Show quote history

Agree, why did you ever think it was a good idea to leave before getting qualified and surely being pretty senior in the firm, why did your husband ever think it was a good idea.

Did you have to leave due to your relationship?

GreenAcre100 · 13/05/2026 19:19

OP, of course you don’t need to share if you don’t want to so ignore this if you don’t wish to answer of course. I’m not here to judge I’m genuinely curious, got hooked by your updates!

You haven’t said much about what your family or his have been like during this 6 years. Have you talked to anyone within the family circle about how you feel?

Did anyone object or raise concerns to your marrying young?

(My mum married my dad who was 13 years older and both sides did not like this relationship so it really was quite isolating as children to have family turn their back on us. We only grew up as a smaller family unit and sometimes just an aunt would be the extended family).

Enchantee · 13/05/2026 19:20

I relate to so much of this @Agegapwoes My story is a little different. I met dh at 26 when I was in a vulnerable place after leaving my disastrously exploitative graduate job after whistle blowing. Dh was in his early 40s was steady, stable and safe. He wasn’t a high earner at that point, he was just established - he had a house, a business. He carried himself with quiet confidence which was such a difference from the way men of my age were bigging themselves up. And he was gorgeous.

I didn’t recognise the power imbalances then. I looked up to him, I trusted him. He was experienced, wise. He knew stuff. He wanted to marry and have dc, and I wanted to travel the world and learn to scuba dive, live in another country and backpack for a year. We got married, visited 5 countries on honeymoon and he took me diving. Fast track.

Of course he was the higher earner, and when we had dc in quick succession (which he pushed for) it was my fledgling career that took a back seat because his was the one paying the bills.

The more successful he became, the more entrenched at home I was. The extra money was funnelled sensibly into investments, or spent, by him on occasional lavish treats for us both/all, but day to day was more frugal. I had access to all our accounts but if I were to decide to spend a couple of hundred unexpectedly, I’d have to first move it from a 7 day notice account, because the current account only covered a week’s expenditure. He never said no to anything directly, and is very generous, very kind. But it’s like he has set the values we live by. He showered me with appreciation for my cooking, for my parenting of the dc, for my housekeeping. When we ordered a takeaway, he would cheerfully suffer through a sub standard meal to give me a break. He questioned the quality of any playgroups and crèches I wanted to send the dc to, and would suggest putting that money towards culturally enriching experiences instead. At every point I was freely choosing to do things his way, and I couldn’t see how disempowering it was. It’s a very benign sort of control.

When my youngest was 3, I got accepted on a very competitive doctoral programme that I applied for secretly without discussing it with him first. He was incredibly proud of me but he talked me out of pursuing it because it wasn’t a fit for our family. It wasn’t, but it also could have been. I later gave up a masters, and then a job because there were always unexpected extra commitments at work for him - more and more lucrative as time went by. Eventually he employed me - the perfect job with flexible hours and a boss who shows me appreciation and consideration. It uses some of my skill set but isn’t what I imagined I’d end up doing. It isn’t my passion.

It’s a perfect life, and it feels whiney to say anything else, but now he’s phasing towards his retirement in three years, with plans for us to travel together, and I’m edging into menopause, realising that my “one day” has disappeared. I’m older now than he was when we met and it’s weirdly jarring to realise how that age gap looks from this side. I’ve realised that it wasn’t that he was wiser than me, he just had his own life plans and guided me into them, and I was craving stability. I stopped listening to myself, and listened to him too much.

Last year he was talking about going on a cruise when “we” retire and it made me feel like running away screaming - it’s such an old people thing to do (I know that’s unfair) but I still want to climb Kilimanjaro (unlikely) and backpack in Peru, and I’m looking at him realising that’s not going to happen.

There’s also so much cultural resonance missing - we grew up in different musical eras, different political atmospheres. It didn’t seem important when we met, it’s just another subtle mismatch. I really relate to what you said about the missed experiences of applying for a mortgage, and things like that. It’s a funny thing to feel you missed, but it’s like I never graduated into adulthood, and I’m an imposter.

BadSkiingMum · 13/05/2026 19:23

It’s merely an informal conversation with her previous employer I am suggesting, not an offer of partnership! The Big 4 have previously been quite keen to support women returners, although obviously her short duration of employment and unqualified status would stand against her. But perhaps they have a scheme of which she might not be aware? Or other openings. I suspect that her DH certainly wouldn’t be telling her about it.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/05/2026 19:25

your Timeline doesn’t really make sense. You had your first child 6 years ago, 3 years after meeting your husband so presumable you worked there for 3 years prior to having your baby. You said you were furloughed due to covid in that time but Covid was only 6 years ago which was already when you had your baby.

AllyMacbealmyarse · 13/05/2026 19:27

Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 12:41

Thanks for all of the responses. They’ve been great.

I don’t think I want to split up with DH whilst the children are still young. Ultimately, we have a lovely life as it stands and I don’t want the children’s lives to be turned upside down just because our relationship has no passion. We get on well, it’s not unbearable. I think I’d rather see what the relationship is like once the children are a bit older.

I do want to concentrate on getting back onto the career ladder though. There’s no way I can work truly full time at the moment though - I don’t want to use a nanny and DH’s role isn’t flexible.

I’m going to figure out how I can get to where I’d like to be for when the children are older and don’t require as much time.

Does anybody have any experience of studying Law as a career changer? I could go back into accounting but I’d be starting right back at the bottom as I wasn’t there long enough to gain experience that will count for anything after being out of work for so long.

Hi @Agegapwoes . I can’t/won’t comment on most of the story, it’s not an uncommon tale but I find it really frustrating how many bright young woken are dragged out of the professions like you were and end up stuck. It also makes me sad.

Anyway tbh law probably isn’t the way to go. Training contracts are still hard to come by, the SQE is brutal and to get in at a good form is not going to fit with the parameters you want to maintain of school run, part time working etc. It’s not impossible but bloody hard and thankless which I’m not sure will be what you need in the circumstances.

Accountancy you would go back to the beginning, but depending on what type you want to do it’s more family friendly. Good luck,I hope you can carve out a more satisfying niche.

neveraskingtime · 13/05/2026 19:28

You had 3 kids with a guy you relationship was already unsteady with? 😂You couldn't write it. Good thing he's well paid you'll be able to rinse him for child support.

bigboykitty · 13/05/2026 19:28

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 13/05/2026 19:25

your Timeline doesn’t really make sense. You had your first child 6 years ago, 3 years after meeting your husband so presumable you worked there for 3 years prior to having your baby. You said you were furloughed due to covid in that time but Covid was only 6 years ago which was already when you had your baby.

It makes perfect sense.

Renamedyetagain · 13/05/2026 19:31

Yeah, this is why I avoided older men. Always wanting to show off/splash the cash.

Anyway. I retrained from a marketing role when my youngest was in Reception. I also have 3. Husband high earner.

I'm in my fifth year of teaching in a secondary, now in a senior position, and have cut hrs to 3 days a wk. Pastoral work, teaching poetry, Shakespeare, drama and ks3 history. Love my work, based on my interests. I can pick and choose what I do and also help with school events that interest me, e.g. productions, debates etc. It was a tough gig to get here, mad comp schools and feral teenagers, but what a ride and have finally got to where I pictured.

Original poster
Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 19:33

Enchantee · 13/05/2026 19:20

I relate to so much of this @Agegapwoes My story is a little different. I met dh at 26 when I was in a vulnerable place after leaving my disastrously exploitative graduate job after whistle blowing. Dh was in his early 40s was steady, stable and safe. He wasn’t a high earner at that point, he was just established - he had a house, a business. He carried himself with quiet confidence which was such a difference from the way men of my age were bigging themselves up. And he was gorgeous.

I didn’t recognise the power imbalances then. I looked up to him, I trusted him. He was experienced, wise. He knew stuff. He wanted to marry and have dc, and I wanted to travel the world and learn to scuba dive, live in another country and backpack for a year. We got married, visited 5 countries on honeymoon and he took me diving. Fast track.

Of course he was the higher earner, and when we had dc in quick succession (which he pushed for) it was my fledgling career that took a back seat because his was the one paying the bills.

The more successful he became, the more entrenched at home I was. The extra money was funnelled sensibly into investments, or spent, by him on occasional lavish treats for us both/all, but day to day was more frugal. I had access to all our accounts but if I were to decide to spend a couple of hundred unexpectedly, I’d have to first move it from a 7 day notice account, because the current account only covered a week’s expenditure. He never said no to anything directly, and is very generous, very kind. But it’s like he has set the values we live by. He showered me with appreciation for my cooking, for my parenting of the dc, for my housekeeping. When we ordered a takeaway, he would cheerfully suffer through a sub standard meal to give me a break. He questioned the quality of any playgroups and crèches I wanted to send the dc to, and would suggest putting that money towards culturally enriching experiences instead. At every point I was freely choosing to do things his way, and I couldn’t see how disempowering it was. It’s a very benign sort of control.

When my youngest was 3, I got accepted on a very competitive doctoral programme that I applied for secretly without discussing it with him first. He was incredibly proud of me but he talked me out of pursuing it because it wasn’t a fit for our family. It wasn’t, but it also could have been. I later gave up a masters, and then a job because there were always unexpected extra commitments at work for him - more and more lucrative as time went by. Eventually he employed me - the perfect job with flexible hours and a boss who shows me appreciation and consideration. It uses some of my skill set but isn’t what I imagined I’d end up doing. It isn’t my passion.

It’s a perfect life, and it feels whiney to say anything else, but now he’s phasing towards his retirement in three years, with plans for us to travel together, and I’m edging into menopause, realising that my “one day” has disappeared. I’m older now than he was when we met and it’s weirdly jarring to realise how that age gap looks from this side. I’ve realised that it wasn’t that he was wiser than me, he just had his own life plans and guided me into them, and I was craving stability. I stopped listening to myself, and listened to him too much.

Last year he was talking about going on a cruise when “we” retire and it made me feel like running away screaming - it’s such an old people thing to do (I know that’s unfair) but I still want to climb Kilimanjaro (unlikely) and backpack in Peru, and I’m looking at him realising that’s not going to happen.

There’s also so much cultural resonance missing - we grew up in different musical eras, different political atmospheres. It didn’t seem important when we met, it’s just another subtle mismatch. I really relate to what you said about the missed experiences of applying for a mortgage, and things like that. It’s a funny thing to feel you missed, but it’s like I never graduated into adulthood, and I’m an imposter.

Wow I relate to all of this so much. We also don’t recognise each others cultural references. In fact, DH has more in common with my parents when it comes to TV, music, politics etc.

I also agree about never graduating into adulthood. I missed out on flat sharing, getting a promotion and pay rise, buying a house and being too skint to buy proper furniture for ages, back packing, achieving things and feeling proud of myself. It’s like I went from being looked after by parents, to university, to being looked after by DH.

OP posts:
LinenSummer · 13/05/2026 19:34

neveraskingtime · 13/05/2026 19:28

You had 3 kids with a guy you relationship was already unsteady with? 😂You couldn't write it. Good thing he's well paid you'll be able to rinse him for child support.

Does being unpleasant and mocking someone who is vulnerable and struggling right now, make you feel good?

neveraskingtime · 13/05/2026 19:36

LinenSummer · 13/05/2026 19:34

Does being unpleasant and mocking someone who is vulnerable and struggling right now, make you feel good?

Show quote history

I'm telling her to look on the bright side, she will probably never have to work again with those CMS payments. C'mon now

Original poster
Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 19:37

GreenAcre100 · 13/05/2026 19:19

OP, of course you don’t need to share if you don’t want to so ignore this if you don’t wish to answer of course. I’m not here to judge I’m genuinely curious, got hooked by your updates!

You haven’t said much about what your family or his have been like during this 6 years. Have you talked to anyone within the family circle about how you feel?

Did anyone object or raise concerns to your marrying young?

(My mum married my dad who was 13 years older and both sides did not like this relationship so it really was quite isolating as children to have family turn their back on us. We only grew up as a smaller family unit and sometimes just an aunt would be the extended family).

I haven’t spoken to anybody about how I feel. Nobody raised any concerns about the age gap either - either side of the family. This is something that strikes me as insane now as I wouldn’t like for one of my children to marry somebody with such a big age gap!

OP posts:
LinenSummer · 13/05/2026 19:38

neveraskingtime · 13/05/2026 19:36

I'm telling her to look on the bright side, she will probably never have to work again with those CMS payments. C'mon now

Show quote history

And money makes everything ok? The tone and content of your posts are unpleasant, but do carry on. This site is full of people who lack emotional intelligence so you are in good company.

pepperminticecream · 13/05/2026 19:39

Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 19:33

Wow I relate to all of this so much. We also don’t recognise each others cultural references. In fact, DH has more in common with my parents when it comes to TV, music, politics etc.

I also agree about never graduating into adulthood. I missed out on flat sharing, getting a promotion and pay rise, buying a house and being too skint to buy proper furniture for ages, back packing, achieving things and feeling proud of myself. It’s like I went from being looked after by parents, to university, to being looked after by DH.

Show quote history

I think you’re romanticising some of these things, OP. Being skint isn’t fun, not being about to afford furniture, not fun. Flatmates are sometimes fun but often very annoying.

You can go back to work and then be able to celebrate career advancement and promotions. You can also buy a house, flat, etc.

Your life isn’t over and you have a lot of options because you have financial freedom.

Aluna · 13/05/2026 19:39

@Enchantee I was really moved by the articulacy of your post. Your life would make a good novel. I would call it your username - Enchantée, because that’s what you were.

At this point the reader is rooting for you to choose you. Say no to the cruise. Yes to Peru.

Kingdomofsleep · 13/05/2026 19:43

bigboykitty · 13/05/2026 19:28

It makes perfect sense.

Show quote history

I think that commenters have asked why op has only done 1y of work between age 22 to 25, and she said because of furlough, but furlough happened in 2020+ when she was already 25yo.

Anyway it doesn't matter really, op may well have fudged her age and her dc's ages for anonymity. It doesn't have to match up.

Aluna · 13/05/2026 19:43

Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 19:33

Wow I relate to all of this so much. We also don’t recognise each others cultural references. In fact, DH has more in common with my parents when it comes to TV, music, politics etc.

I also agree about never graduating into adulthood. I missed out on flat sharing, getting a promotion and pay rise, buying a house and being too skint to buy proper furniture for ages, back packing, achieving things and feeling proud of myself. It’s like I went from being looked after by parents, to university, to being looked after by DH.

Show quote history

You both need to read a 90s book called Women who run with the Wolves particularly the chapter on the ‘Handless Maiden’. Written by a Jungian analyst.

Original poster
Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 19:44

Enchantee · 13/05/2026 19:20

I relate to so much of this @Agegapwoes My story is a little different. I met dh at 26 when I was in a vulnerable place after leaving my disastrously exploitative graduate job after whistle blowing. Dh was in his early 40s was steady, stable and safe. He wasn’t a high earner at that point, he was just established - he had a house, a business. He carried himself with quiet confidence which was such a difference from the way men of my age were bigging themselves up. And he was gorgeous.

I didn’t recognise the power imbalances then. I looked up to him, I trusted him. He was experienced, wise. He knew stuff. He wanted to marry and have dc, and I wanted to travel the world and learn to scuba dive, live in another country and backpack for a year. We got married, visited 5 countries on honeymoon and he took me diving. Fast track.

Of course he was the higher earner, and when we had dc in quick succession (which he pushed for) it was my fledgling career that took a back seat because his was the one paying the bills.

The more successful he became, the more entrenched at home I was. The extra money was funnelled sensibly into investments, or spent, by him on occasional lavish treats for us both/all, but day to day was more frugal. I had access to all our accounts but if I were to decide to spend a couple of hundred unexpectedly, I’d have to first move it from a 7 day notice account, because the current account only covered a week’s expenditure. He never said no to anything directly, and is very generous, very kind. But it’s like he has set the values we live by. He showered me with appreciation for my cooking, for my parenting of the dc, for my housekeeping. When we ordered a takeaway, he would cheerfully suffer through a sub standard meal to give me a break. He questioned the quality of any playgroups and crèches I wanted to send the dc to, and would suggest putting that money towards culturally enriching experiences instead. At every point I was freely choosing to do things his way, and I couldn’t see how disempowering it was. It’s a very benign sort of control.

When my youngest was 3, I got accepted on a very competitive doctoral programme that I applied for secretly without discussing it with him first. He was incredibly proud of me but he talked me out of pursuing it because it wasn’t a fit for our family. It wasn’t, but it also could have been. I later gave up a masters, and then a job because there were always unexpected extra commitments at work for him - more and more lucrative as time went by. Eventually he employed me - the perfect job with flexible hours and a boss who shows me appreciation and consideration. It uses some of my skill set but isn’t what I imagined I’d end up doing. It isn’t my passion.

It’s a perfect life, and it feels whiney to say anything else, but now he’s phasing towards his retirement in three years, with plans for us to travel together, and I’m edging into menopause, realising that my “one day” has disappeared. I’m older now than he was when we met and it’s weirdly jarring to realise how that age gap looks from this side. I’ve realised that it wasn’t that he was wiser than me, he just had his own life plans and guided me into them, and I was craving stability. I stopped listening to myself, and listened to him too much.

Last year he was talking about going on a cruise when “we” retire and it made me feel like running away screaming - it’s such an old people thing to do (I know that’s unfair) but I still want to climb Kilimanjaro (unlikely) and backpack in Peru, and I’m looking at him realising that’s not going to happen.

There’s also so much cultural resonance missing - we grew up in different musical eras, different political atmospheres. It didn’t seem important when we met, it’s just another subtle mismatch. I really relate to what you said about the missed experiences of applying for a mortgage, and things like that. It’s a funny thing to feel you missed, but it’s like I never graduated into adulthood, and I’m an imposter.

I also relate to your situation with the doctoral programme. DH would never tell me that I can’t work. But there is just an underlying understanding that I take care of our children whilst he provides. He gives up all of his time to provide for the children (which he does very well!) and I give up my time to care for them.
He would not consider modifying his own working week whatsoever and would be offended if I asked that.
In no way do I feel like I’m being controlled but DH wouldn’t be up for changing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Agegapwoes · 13/05/2026 19:49

pepperminticecream · 13/05/2026 19:39

I think you’re romanticising some of these things, OP. Being skint isn’t fun, not being about to afford furniture, not fun. Flatmates are sometimes fun but often very annoying.

You can go back to work and then be able to celebrate career advancement and promotions. You can also buy a house, flat, etc.

Your life isn’t over and you have a lot of options because you have financial freedom.

Show quote history

I’m not saying they are fun, but I think they are fundamental building blocks in your early adult life. I think you probably learn a lot from these kind of scenarios. And I’m sad that I didn’t get to do these things.
I know I had it easy and have never had to struggle, but I think I missed out on these experiences. I think it’s better to feel like you’ve earned your success and your nice things.

OP posts: