AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

You have female friends with successful corporate careers who only worked 1 year in all their 20s?

I don't think it's kind to encourage pie in the sky, that's all. She could end up losing her husband, her lifestyle, half custody of her kids, and not even attain the career she craves by the end of it.

That's unfortunately, by my reckoning, much more likely than suddenly attaining a glorious legal career after 10+y of unemployment (and without being willing to use childcare!)

Nothing wrong with living the wealthy SAHM life. It's irresponsible of pp to encourage her to throw that all away on a pipe dream.

I’m so glad you are saying this. I was thinking the same, I’m surrounded by friends who are in professional high paying careers and this does not necessarily apply but I was beginning to think we were some mad outliers.

In fairness some of these are grafters but in my experience often grafters don’t get the rewards for the hours, whereas others picked up extremely niche jobs and then were able over time to move towards very high paying careers but with a decent degree of flexibility.

For example I have had full summers off with my children since after I retrained when my eldest was born. My pay took a few years to build up after retraining but I earn extremely well now and now out earn my also high paid DH.

I actually don’t think it’s far off the mark. There’s a lot to be said for self-care, easy friendships and getting outside in the garden. It’s very easy to wonder ‘What if…?’ but op needs to work with what she has. Maybe she could become one of these influencer types making reels in her nice house and on nice holidays.

OP is has been very clear that she won’t be throwing her current life, marriage away for a pie in the sky career. She has asked for career advice for getting back into the workplace. She isn’t 70 years old. She’s 30 and has her life in front of her. There are lots of careers that she could have that would be fulfilling and telling her to give up on something she wants is just foolish.

It’s insane! I worked my entire way through sixth form and university, did so much extra curricular stuff, got onto a great graduate scheme. Yet because I had children young and wanted to stay with them that means I’m definitely not a grafter?!

Thank you for understanding my point. I do all the things I listed there, albeit around my work (I work 4 days a week). I love living the wealthy sahm life 1 day a week. It's nice. I'm encouraging op to practise contentment.

You are still so young OP and YOU get to decide how your life plays out and what you want to do with your career.

I'd imagine potential employers also get a say.

We're in tough economic times and the employment market is only going to get more and more competitive. A woman who only worked for one year nearly a decade ago, still has no real idea what she wants to do and won't consider even part time work for another few years is realistically not going to be top of any employer's list.

I can see loads of good and supportive advice, but I just wanted to come on with a cautionary tale OP.

I too am in an age gap relationship (sadly not as high earning as yours!) and with an adult child who has moved out. DH suffered some health issues and, over the last year particularly, has changed beyond all recognition. Our relationship was poor beforehand for similar reasons to yours, so now I'm stuck with a man who is unable to live independently and has become increasingly reliant on me for everything.

The level of resentment I feel to him and the situation that he's put us in is colossal, and I bitterly regret not ending the relationship earlier. Admittedly it sounds like you have money to throw at the problem, but even so it's a life I would not wish on my worst enemy

It's not a pipe dream though... There's a book out there telling her she can do it and to follow her dreams!!!

Sorry OP. I've worked in too many offices with young women like you who knew exactly what they were doing with the boss or senior managers, be it marriage, affairs, whatever...

It's always unfair on the hard working younger people, often men, who simply want to get on with their jobs without someone 'higher up' as a guardian angel when it comes to bonuses, promotions, redundancies, postings abroad to nice places, postings abroad to awful places.

It's often the most talented youngsters who lose their jobs when redundancies come calling. Never the bosses muse.

You made your choice. Your CV is pretty bare today, v little work, no recent qualifications in nearly a decade, no volunteering, just children.

Genuinely, do you feel you deserve a break and why???

If your husbands money hadn't cushioned you so well for the last decade, I feel you'd understand what I and others are saying more...

I agree. How on earth can you consider yourself a grafter when you are over 30
years old and have only worked for one year. One year.

That is when you truly have lost touch with reality.

It doesn’t matter, they are still recruiting in every department! There are 500,000 CS jobs. I should know, I did exactly what OP wants to do, and in the last couple of years.

I think you’re taking it a little personally. I’m sure you’re quite capable of hard work and have worked hard in the past. However working hard at 18-20ish is not the same as working hard when you’ve got three children. Having children takes a lot away from women. It gives a lot too but it takes a toll on the mind and body. Most women can’t hold down a ‘big job’ and be sufficiently present in caring for three children without considerable sacrifice mentally. I found an old laptop recently with my masters essays on from when I was in my early twenties. I was staggered. It’s safe to say I didn’t recognise the person who wrote them at all and would not have the headspace for anything like that now ( I also have three children).

Yes, actually, you have very much NOT been a grafter career-wise, and I say this kindly.

Life is about priorities. You married rich and young. You have an extremely rare luxury to stay home with your 3 kids while having zero financial worries and expensive holidays.

None of us get everything we want, we just don't.

You need to 1) look at the positives and embrace them and 2) make a plan for the next stage of your life.

You have an ENORMOUS advantage over other women by having had kids young and no financial worries. Leverage it.

Most women can’t hold down a ‘big job’ and be sufficiently present in caring for three children without considerable sacrifice mentally.

I would add - it also requires having zero qualms about using childcare.

That includes wraparound at primary. Outsourcing driving the teens to sports matches. The list goes on.

Op says she doesn't want to outsource that stuff (which is absolutely fine and a valid choice) but that's what it requires to be a high earner.

I haven't read everything however if you have an accounting degree you don't have to go back into a big 4 company. There's small practices, you could do bookkeeping/accounting from home for remote clients, industry finance teams for AP/R and VAT etc. Industry is more likely to give you part time hours as well.

I started in a finance office, moved house and left, then once DD was born I got an accounting qualification and worked in AP for a transport firm, now I do remote bookkeeping whilst doing part time admin/finance for a small charity near where I live.

I wouldn’t leave right now while the children are smal
i would get a job/ create a small business and find ways to make life fulfilling

life will be boring with routine as the children are young and you can’t go out as much

if you need help, get a nanny. They’re a life saver

My DH and I are both high earners/ earn six figure salaries each, so no jealousy here, and I agree with everything @GelatinousDynamo says.

Your solution is to find really lovely, stimulating & educational childcare part-time for your kids and get back to a corporate career. The longer you put it off, the harder it will be to return. I know how hard it is to change your life, but I guarantee you'll be happier if you do this and stop making excuses. (Personally, if I was you I'd go back when the youngest is 1)

Thank you for posting your experience. I think some posters on here have very outdated ideas about the “corporate” world.

Your explanation about niche jobs is spot on. I am surrounded by very successful men and women and some took a more traditional route (though I wouldn’t call them grafters, they just followed the traditional path for the careers they wanted) and others are extremely successful in very niche roles. There are a lot of interesting roles in startups (I’d look at smaller tech startups who are in their first or second round of funding) where the possibility of advancement is high. I worked for what was once a small tech startup and was astounded at the types of roles they hired for as their funding increased (people being paid hundreds of thounds of dollars to arrange travel, housing, etc for employees).

I have a few friends who work in tech but on the hiring side. They make a lot of money and work very reasonable hours interviewing and hiring for their company and didn’t need HR backgrounds nor do they work in recruitment). They love their jobs!

This is all to say that there are a lot of options out there that are different from an accountant or lawyer but still provide a good income and career enjoyment.

Ah ok, I misunderstood - it looked like you were thinking of law? Anyway, starting back at the beginning isn’t so bad is it? 3-4 years studying around the kids and then off you go!

What you had was perfect, then you saw something you thought was better. Be careful what you wish for. You are afluent, have a good marriage and 3 children. What do you think your options are?

But if you started that job at 22, only worked for one year and didn’t have your first kid until 25 then… what were you doing? Sounds like you left the job as soon as you secured a man who would support you. You didn’t leave because you gave birth.

Covid happened. I was furloughed. It was a bit longer than a year I worked.

One thing I would say is that if you choose to study for the next few years, in terms of employability you need to be in the workplace in some shape or form as well. It won’t be great to have the academic qualification but not have been in the workplace at all for 12 years.

I agree that she isn’t going to start at the top and she does just need to start doing something out of the house to inch her way back. But I disagree that her career is over. It’s not doom and gloom in every company/job sector.

Not naive, you've just grown and changed, as is natural. Would the woman you are now have married the man he was when u first met? Be very sure what you want the rest of your life to be like, before you make any changes