AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

You don’t know that I’m not a grafter type. You have no idea of the childhood I’ve had or how hard I had to work to even get to university.

OK, I wasn't going to break it down, but I will...

From the age of 21 to 25 - only 1 year of work.
4 year gap between dc1 and dc2 - no attempt to work.
Big 4 job - quit for marriage and kids.

There's nothing wrong with thise choices, at all. But they are not the choices of an exceptional striver.

It takes an exceptional grafter, striver, trier, to achieve "corporate success" after many years of unemployment and also while eschewing childcare.

This is just being realistic. Being realistic is actually kinder than saying "yeah hun go for it! Be your own cheerleader whoop whoop! Pay for career coaching!!!" when there's little prospect that she'll put the eye-watering level of striving into it that's required

I didn’t realise I was meant to be offering a hand hold. She’s not contented. Many of us aren’t but the grass is not always greener and as someone else said above children should be prioritised above parent happiness which could very well be unobtainable anyway. There are less risky ways of her pursuing happiness than leaving her husband who is currently providing her and their three children with a very nice life.

There's nothing wrong with not being a grafter. But if you're 31 and you've only worked a year or two in your life, you're not a grafter.

A grafter is someone who strives all the time. Constantly. Filled with ambition. Very few people are that (I'm certainly not).

OP how old are you? Sounds like you’ve got some working class roots going on? Is it more that you feel like an imposter in that world?

I am 37, WC roots, strong grafter but couldn’t really dream of your sort of lifestyle. I am however very proud of how far I’ve come, my work etc. Maybe just enjoy it I guess? Why clip your wings with a corporate career only? Perhaps you would be good in an entirely different field?

You're right that poster doesn't.

But you described your early 20s as a rich man's plaything, holidays, life you couldn't have possibly afforded on a 1st graduate trainee job. You had it so good. Easy. Given to you.

I think other young people you were with at the time had it really hard then. No holidays. Student loans. Renting scrappy rooms. And those young people exist today, working their socks off for a break, a chance, a career opportunity.

A good life was handed to you on a plate by a much older man. You embraced it.

Today, opportunities for these graduate jobs are few and far between. Once in them, young people have to devote 80hrs a week. They didn't give up for an easy life... They work, struggle, knuckle down.

The venomous posters on here feel that you want the nice things in life, but, don't want the sacrifice... The "reality" of these jobs. Let someone else have the opportunity you want... You had your chance, you were 'in' the job at 22, you walked away, tempted by the life paid for by another.

You made your choice, your bed. That's what I and the others are saying...

I think this is disengenous. We don't even know if OP has science A- levels. Medical school is 5 years so OP will be minimum of 37 starting F1 and even if pt F2 involves nights and weekends. I can't see how this remotely pratical.

I'm not sure if it's been mentioned but have you considered trying to get into the civil service. They are pretty family friendly and in many jobs you would be able to work Flexi time to do the school runs. There are also lots of programs such as the Tax specialist program where you could use your accountancy skills, and there are legal teams too. So you could learn new skills and eventually earn a decent wage and good pension.

Wow. You are being condescending and so rude.

OP please don’t listen to this asinine post.

OP, you’re in a good position, you don’t have to worry about money and you have a seemingly nice husband who provides well for your family. You’re still so young and you have a whole life in front of you and lots of different paths you can take to find career fulfilment.

Other posters have provided great advice about returning to work and different paths you can take. The poster who suggested government work sounds promising.

I am currently in a similar stay at home role, two children with a baby on the way and a husband who earns very very well. We are similar ages though so there’s a difference. I’ve taken on volunteer roles to have an interest outside of being a mum, we have a babysitter who works one full day per week and then ad hoc care on other days so I am with my children the majority of the time but can still do my volunteer work a few hours per week.

I have done some freelance work since having children and I find a lot of joy in that. I’m very lucky that I don’t have to work for money, I can take on freelance work or decide to go back to work part time or full time in the future in a role that I actually like without having to worry about the pay. Essentially, OP I think you should think of your life as a gift because you can pick a job to work now that makes you happy without having to even consider what the pay is.

In your position I would look for some volunteer work to do a few hours per week to get your mind busy and making new contacts and then once your baby is a few months older you could look for some very part time work to inch back into the career world.

They are shedding 10,000 jobs currently……..

Agree entirely.

There is no way the civil service pays enough for OP's aspirations. She has a bachelor degree and 1 year of current experience in a big 4 company from nine years ago.

"Take your kids to stately homes, keep yourself looking nice in Sezanne and Boden, with impeccable hair and nails, stay friendly with the other private school SAHMs and have vino with them after bedtime. Maintain the hydrangeas."

Fuck me OP, don't take this advice if you have a brain in your head.

How weird. This is the second post by a non-working woman with next to no work experience but a high earning partner this week that has suggested a career in law or finance as being in any way family friendly. 🤔

You have a very odd view of the corporate world. It seems your perspective is based on a very old school way of thinking about career success.

OP, most of my female friends have very successful careers and did not live the life that @Kingdomofsleep is presenting. You are still so young OP and YOU get to decide how your life plays out and what you want to do with your career.

It seems a shame to me that you’ve given up on accountancy. There are so many ways of qualifying and specialising, and so many different roles available once the studying is done. Accountancy is so much more than the Big 4 in London! For example I shed that toxic angle of the profession nearly 40 years ago and have had a satisfying and lucrative career in accountancy education, which I’ve combined with raising three DC and losing my idiot XH once the seriously expensive phase of child-rearing was over.

Don’t look back OP, look forward!

OP you are both naive and arrogant. I’m really sorry to say this. You’ll be “sticking with him until the children are older”. Why should he want to stick with you, when you have such distain for your marriage? How do you avoid him seeing how much you are seeing him as a cash cow and father who is to be disposed of at a later date? Why are you so special that he wouldn’t leave you? Also, a psa for you and anyone else - millions of men who “hate cheaters” do it. Millions.

Somebody posted the title of that thread earlier. I did look at it and it has some good suggestions.

I’m surprised the phone isn’t ringing off the hook with recruiters trying to snag her.

Why isn’t a stellar career an option anymore? You’re only 31 - even if you went back to where you were at 22, by 37 you’ll be where you would be now if you hadn’t had kids. From the sounds of it, you / he can afford decent childcare.

you have options!

Where have I even said what my earning aspirations are?

@Agegapwoes A very simple exercise might be contacting the firm for which you worked and just having an exploratory conversation about returning. What pathways would be open to you? Would they consider you for support roles?

The key factor would probably be whether you passed the first stage exams and/or could be considered part-qualified.

I haven’t at all! I just didn’t qualify so would need to start back at the beginning.

I wouldn’t want to work back at the company that DH is still at.

Yes, lots of weird projections about you OP and “grafting” and earning aspirations.

There are some really snarky and rude posts on this thread putting you down, don’t listen to them.