AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

Grooming 🙄 honestly I wish this word would stop being banded around on this thread, it devalues the term when grooming really does apply.

It’s certainly true that anyone with high-earning DH’s on here get it in the neck. But to be fair you didn’t say you were looking to return to work in the next few years but 10. Which is very difficult and potentially very tricky.

You seem to be willfully misunderstanding what the OP is asking and managing to be quite unplinto the bargain!

He's not a good father and you know you wouldn't call a woman doing his level of 'care' a good mother.

It applies here. A significantly older, much more senior man in a position of responsibility hitting on the newly qualified new starter who's 15+ years younger is a really significant power imbalance. If men weren't so vile, it would be seen as a really exploitative behaviour, rather than something to high 5 him about.

It sounds like OP now wants a younger rich husband rather than an older rich husband.

You’re right. I would judge if a woman spent such little time with her children. The small time he does spend with them - he’s great.

Sorry to hijack the thread but I am hoping to change career and am interested in this, I wouldn't even know what job titles to look for on job sites, any pointers? Thank you!

In what way does it seem like that? I’ve said a lot of my dissatisfaction is from missing out on a career and wanting to go back to this.

It's fine, he had lots of money.

Naturally, if he were a poor junior trainee of that age it wouldn't be fine. One for HR.

It’s not the same situation, and my husband and I did grow together, but I took a huge career pause (I had done a bit more time working but it wasn’t at a big 4 firm so I would argue yours is more valuable). I thought I had no chance of going back into it, and I was actually ok with that. My husband became a really big earner and we have an amazing life.

I dipped by toe back in by circumstances, 6.5 years ago when my youngest was at school and settled, and thought I was doing as much as I would ever have got to, having sacrificed much of my CV potential. I did a really demanding role at ‘ok’ (at best) pay, and then had to pause again. The experience that I got in that role has set me up and in the last 18 months I’ve got bigger and bigger roles to the point that I earn well into six figures myself (northern, would be considerably higher if I lived in or near London). I didn’t start taking the bigger roles until my youngest was in seniors.

If you’d said this 2 years ago I’d have thought you were crazy. Sometimes life has a path for us.

I did have extremely good A Levels, first class degree etc so I had that backup.

But you barely had any career. It was your 2nd job after McDonald's. Then married. Pregnant.

Hi OP, I was you too (married at 23, first baby 24, now ex h 17 years older). I grew up, he was already. There was a lot that was a power imbalance but the difference is I built a career when my kiddos were small. I had to, because without it, I couldn't leave.

Heres what I would do.
Bin off thinking you'll find a career in 10 years when the kids are older - your relationship will be even more frustrating to you by then.

I'm guessing your children are in school or just about to start? That's the ideal time to get looking. Law and accountancy careers can be brutal for sucking away at your time. Look at jobs where the company has strong values aligned with looking after their staff (larger ones usually, charity sector? Local government etc). Start with applying, see where that takes you. Don't look at the money to begin with, get yourself back into working. It will do your confidence the world of good.

Relationship wise - can you have a calm chat (pre warning your husband so he can be prepared to) about wanting to grow close again. Kids/house/careers all get in the way of focusing on you as a couple. If he's open, great, you can come back together again with a plan. If he's not bothered, then you know where you stand, and can start building your life ready to leave (as I did).

I just read your kids ages and they are still really young and it would be unrealistic to put the younger ones into full time child care if you don't need to. I can see where you and your DH are coming from on that one.

You do have time now to see a careers coach, have a think about what you want to do now as a 31 year old mum of three. There will be something that you could do that will be satisfying for you, it doesn't necessarily need to be a big corporate job either.

You said you realised you weren't right for each other after your eldest was born. Why did you stay together and have two more kids then?

Wow, sounds amazing! Well done for getting back into it.

Can I ask what area you work in?

This is a disgusting post. In fact there are so many replies on this thread that are an absolute fkn disgrace.

Because I wanted my child to have siblings and I wasn’t going to leave DH with a baby. Our relationship isn’t bad, just not fulfilling.

I’m an accountant too, so very similar.

You could start as an outsourced bookkeeper while working forwards your full qualification, and once you have that, it gets so much better and easier.

I think it’s more to do with the fact that you were an educated 22 year old and were going to be successful in your own right, but had your head turned by a rich banker who was almost 40, quickly got pregnant, realised it was all a mistake but kept getting pregnant… and now you’re complaining about an unhappy marriage and no career. When you saw it coming years ago, but chose to continue the same mistakes.

You met a rich older man, and allowed yourself to be dragged off the life you had planned out for yourself only to end up unhappy. What did you think would happen with someone 16 years older than you? And he definitely saw you as a prize - the young hot new start in the office and he pulled you, and enjoyed the praise from his mates at work. Now you’re almost middle aged and have had three kids and he isn’t as in to you anymore… tale as old as time. And you’re not into him as he is an older grumpy man. You knew it could happen. You’re partly staying because of the money, be honest about that.

Instead of complaining, maybe stop having kids in an unhappy marriage, get back to work and leave him.

I think you need to take some time to work out what would make you happy. Not necessarily a corporate career - what about working for yourself? Is there something you could do as a business, setting your own hours etc around the children?

Something that will feel like an achievement and yet give you the on going flexibility you want for your family?

And for your relationship, you clearly don’t want to separate or give up on your marriage but there are aspects you need to work on - to help you feel more equal in terms of contributions. Actually you are equal but in non financial ways but you don’t seem to value that.

Don’t do anything rash - spend some time thinking where you’d like to be in 5 years and how to get there…

A 16 year gap will bring hard times - my parents was a 10 year gap and it showed most in later years - DF was 71 when he died after a few years of poor health and DM was 61 having spent her years after we left home mostly as a carer. You need to work out how you deal with the gap now at 30, and at 40, 50, 60… it’s not impossible but there will be challenges and you will be much younger / maybe want different things.

I think people suggesting you get full time childcare are missing that you have a six month year old. That would be needlessly drastic. You can work towards getting a job that suits you in a couple of years by laying foundations with training, research, building connections etc now.

You’re in a good position. I know you have regrets but the truth is you’ve done nothing wrong. You can make your life work from here. You’re right some people are being needlessly judgy.

Just to add, assuming you aren’t qualified - I’d do anything remote and finance related until all your kids are much older, alongside studying, so you can get your qualification. You need 3 years but your previous year should also count if you were registered with ACCA (it may count even if you weren’t). Part time is pro rata on the experience.

Honey follow your heart now whilst you and your babies are still young. They will adapt. Go and live your life, dont get to the age of 50 and regret settling. He might be amazing but if your heart isn't in it then you need to be honest. I settled young too and wish I didn't. If I can give my children any advice it would be not to settle young and live your life first.
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If you'd like to perhaps wind your neck in a bit with the 'now you're almost middle aged' crap, OP is 31. Do you have to work at being so unpleasant, or does it just come naturally to you?