AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

That describes a good dog owner not a good parent.

A 38 year old who went after a 22 year old will very much see her as middle aged now.

She said she thinks he went for her because women his age are all married with kids - no, that’s not what he did it. And we all know that. Pretending anything else is pie in the sky.

She isn’t a young 22 year old fresh graduate anymore. And that’s what he wanted. She said as soon as pregnancy and a kid happened, it changed and he changed. Any guesses why? Because she wasn’t the young fun thing anymore.

The OP needs to start thinking about herself, and planning her future and her work. And maybe get him to put a chunk of money into a private pension for her and to pay into it every month for now. Because there is a very very good chance that this marriage will end, even if OP isn’t the one to do it.

Again, tale as old as time. And he won’t find it hard to get another naive 22 year old.

People who have partners in their own age group often feel as you do. You must know that, so many marriages break up because they grow apart, no longer have much in common. They often find each other less attractive. It's easy to pin it on the age difference but yours isn't that huge, it could have happened anyway.

Count your blessings. Maybe the two of you should sit down together and talk about your relationship, what you would both like from it and what you want to achieve together and as individuals. You might be able to save it, depends how much you want to.

It’s not what I’d want either, which is why I never settled for it. You might not get back to your previous “amazing career trajectory” but neither do you have to be a SAHM or settle for not having a career at all. There’s a middle ground. You’re writing yourself off at what, 31? 32? Start taking steps towards building more of a life for yourself.

I met my ex when I was 20 and he 29. I was at university and already had a dc. The early years were great and we decided to have a dc together. Then he resented my career as that had taken off and would go into moods with me for no reason, I was constantly on eggshells. We never argued there would just be silence. I then met someone else who took an interest in me and my life. I asked exdp to leave which me did with no argument, he knew the relationship was over too. It was 2 years though before I started a relationship with the man I met. We've now been together 8 years. He takes an active interest in my career and is my biggest cheerleader. We don't live with each other yet, I have my own home, and have my two adult dc here (well one the other is at uni). They both think a lot of him, and keep asking when he's moving in- which I take to be a good sign for their feelings towards him.

Life's too short to be somewhere you don't want to be. You have the means to get back into the workforce, and carve a career out for yourself. Take this opportunity by both hands and grab it. Your children will be fine. I was a child of divorced parents and it was the last thing I wanted for mine. But better to have two happy parents than too sad parents.

No it doesn’t it’s just trying to absolve a woman, a grown woman of all responsibility for her own free will actions, save the grooming word for where it really applies, it doesn’t here.

Your thread is called "AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?", not "AIBU to regret having kids at 25" and not "How can I go back to career"

Absolutely agree. There's a lot of jealousy that your DH earns well.

Have you looked at any "Returners" programmes? Bank of England and civil service have them (or at least did). The House of Lords has one. There's a charity, Career Returners, that might help.

From a mum also with three small kids but holding down a full time job, good luck!

Well done to you!!

I’ll check out the returner programmes mentioned 😊. I’m not sure that I have enough experience in the first place to apply to a returner programme though!

And here we go, everyone is against me because DH earns well.

Look, I probably earn more that your DH (similar career path, but I'm higher up, from what you've written). I know the type of "young trophy wife" that you are, half of my Partner colleagues are married to someone like you. This is kindly meant: don't end up like them.

I've given you advice, but you chose to ignore it.

Sorry to hear this OP. You describe every reason I would be so sad if my young adult kids did this. But you are still young and can get a life for yourself. Good luck x

Really can't understand why some posters are being quite so vitriolic. You've got a lot on your plate with three under six and the youngest just months old.

I think it's understandable given your circumstances you're feeling boxed in.

But assuming you're going to stay with him until the children are a fair bit older then I would as previous posters have suggested work towards getting further qualifications as an accountant.

If you trained in your own time as say a book keeper then you could work part time doing the books for local traders. I know it doesn't sound very glamorous but it's useful and necessary. The self assessment apps can't do everything surely?
More immediately (or maybe once the youngest is a bit older) perhaps you could volunteer at Citizens Advice? The advice they give is pretty technical so you'd feel you were using your brain and helping. Think it involves a lot of training to be a CAB volunteer.
Be upfront with your husband. Say you need to find fulfilment outside the home.

Give it another few years till the youngest is at school and see how you feel after you've rediscovered yourself.

@Agegapwoes I'm sorry for all the bitter, bitchy posts you're attracting. They're obviously either jealous of the lifestyle you have, or just not very nice people.

I don't have much advice to offer, but I hope you find something that works for you.

I do think part time study once the youngest is at nursery, might be the way to go.
Something you enjoy and are good at, and that hopefully will be relatively future proof and pay a decent salary.

Relationships can improve if you're both willing to put the work in. I was ready to leave my workaholic dh, and actually did. He was devastated, which surprised me, as I didn't think he would care.
We finally talked (he would always stonewall normally), and we went to couple's counselling which worked really well for us.

We were able to reconnect and learnt how to talk to each other again....20 years of dc and work/ life, etc, had got in the way of that, and we'd kinda forgotten how to communicate without getting defensive.

Good luck 💐

Jealously?? Haha, I’m not sure if the OPs situation is anything to be jealous of!!

@Agegapwoes whilst your children are still young, why don't you consider a law conversion course (online?)

"I would say the things that I’m missing are intellectual challenge, shared interests, respect and intimacy"

All will depend upon both you and your husband making the effort the get you back on course and re-connect.

Do you feel brave enough to do that and do you even want to @Agegapwoes?

Both you and your husband can easily resolve setting up a pension for you, now, it would be wise to do.

Your timeframe of 10 years is far too long before you make changes.

In 18 months your youngest will be at the same stage as your middle child is currently, so there will be a bit more available time for you to pursue an MA or online course, whichever suits you and your family best.

You have so many options @Agegapwoes, you possibly just can't see the wood for the trees atm.

Have courage lovely, you are much too young to feel that your life is futile, it is not, not by a long shot. 🌸

Agree. OP was an adult. All this prefrontal lobe nonsense drives me mad too. The OP was not groomed.

Op, I mean this sincerely. You need to start taking responsibility for yourselF and make some decisions.

lots of women feel like they are stuck with small children. The young years are hard. And it’s also not uncommon for a marriage to feel stale at this point. Because having young children is hard.

i think you need to really think about wether you are actually unhappy in the marriage or going through a hard spot that started when you had your first child and is still continuing because she continued to have children.

It’s normal for a sahp to feel are missing out because they don’t have a career. But do you want a career, or just need something for yourself?

Reading this it’s not clear if it’s an unhappy marriage or you are just to preoccupied with what everyone else has and feel you have missed out because they have something different. If you leave your husband now or in 5 years, you still aren’t going to be in the same position as the friends you envy. You made life choices, instead of regretting them and feeling jealous. Accept where you are and make changes. And I get it. I had my first child at 21. That meant my life was very different to my peers, it was a choice I made and had to roll with it. But at 44 my daughter is an adult and my son is a late teen and now I am glad I had them young. My career is taking off and I don’t have the restraints that other people at my age and experience have, who also have young kids.

i don’t really get you wanting to study because you feel like you can’t go back to accounting because you are too old. The same will happen with a law degree. You will still be older than anyone else studying or people joining the work place, fresh from Uni, at the same time as you. It feels like another excuse to return to work force. Because I am not sure that’s what you really want.

it seems as though you regret having your kids young (I sometimes did) but to admit that, feels like you are saying you regret them. Which isn’t true. So you are focusing on what you missed out on instead. It’s easier and more palatable to say you regret giving up your career.

You could choose to work full time. You are choosing not to. That’s valid choice, but it’s a choice. It’s not being imposed on you. You can afford a nanny. You seem to be stuck in a rut of thinking you don’t have choices in your life when you actually have more than most.

I am not sure you know what you want. And a lot of this is based on watching others through envious eyes. And regret at some of your life choices. But that comes to all of us. No matter what choices we make. I think you need to work out what exactly you want, then do that.

Why don't you have a look at the Institute of Chartered Secretaries and Administrators (ICSA) website? There are many roles for individuals in organisations with ICSA qualifications. Alternatively what about an insurance role - again look at the information available on the Chartered Insurance Institute website as the qualifications are taken in modules and can be taken over time. Insurance isn't boring by the way as now there are many roles requiring insurance or risk management qualifications. I started my professional qualifications in my 20's then didn't finish them until in my late 40's for various reasons so it's really never too late. The Company I worked for pre-retirement had roles for people with children needing flexible hours to fit around childcare as we recognised that there were many women with skills needed that would be lost to the workforce if we couldn't accommodate them.

OP I also think you’re getting a hard time on here because your DH is a high earner. Surely most of us have been in relationships in our 20s that we thought were the one and then grown up and realised it wasn’t what we thought or what we wanted. I wonder if you felt fulfilled in your career, whether you might feel more fulfilled in life in general. It could bring back some of the equilibrium to your relationship which would help fan those flames of resentment and discontent. Do you ever go out just the two of you? Maybe there could be a way back to finding common ground again and reigniting that spark. You said you both used to enjoy travel, could you get away for a few days together?

I would also describe my DH as a brilliant dad. He encourages me to go away with my friends, does lots of running around with the kids, never misses their school stuff etc but he doesn’t know when their homework is due in or if they’ve got clean uniform. He’s up and out before they get up most mornings and rushes home to do bath and bedtime. It would be too late to start doing homework and I get uniform sorted during the day as I’m a SAHM. If I’m going out or I’m away he does it of course but I think it would be a piss take for him to come home from work and then have to start doing all the washing.

I guess really you need to sit down with him and discuss where you’re both at and see if there’s a way to move forward so that you’re both happy and fulfilled

This my DSis too

Strikes me that becoming a SAHM is a major part of your unhappiness.

You can change that.

Yes, it’s a difficult juggle but no more difficult than if you were with a younger husband. In fact his wealth may mean that you can put the support in place to enable your career to get back on track.

There are threads on here about how demanding law is both to study and as a career. If you're looking for something to ease into I'm not sure it's going to be any less demanding than your previous career to be honest.

It might be worth paying for a career coach to help you figure out what specifically appeals about the corporate life and whether you can find other jobs that provide that with better hours. Eg intellectual challenge is available in lots of jobs that can be done more part-time.

Life’s too short to stay in a marriage with no joy, but it doesn’t sound like there’s any urgency to leave, and quite a lot of reasons to stay, so I would just methodically work through possible options.

Also just a word of warning - you are in a prime headspace to have an affair in the next few years. Guard yourself against that!

To be fair, if I barely saw my kids, the short times I would have with them I would be an amazing and energetic mum. Because i'm not dealing with the day to day drudgery of parenting, which is what makes us all so exhausted.

DD is partner. And it’s strange as half of DH’s colleagues aren’t married to someone “like me”.