AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

I think all of the mums in my child's Yr1 class work apart from those who are on mat leave, and the majority have careers - doctors, engineers, academics, lawyers, accountants etc.....there are many, many women who juggle busy jobs with young children. We all used local nurseries when our kids were younger (mostly 3 days a week). At my kids nursery and school I'd say it's close to 50/50 in terms of mums/dads doing pick up and drop off. Most families use breakfast club or after-school club a few days a week. And that's how it just about works from one week to another - both parents contributing to the logistics, using paid care as necessary.

You and your husband could have this life too OP but do either of you actually want it? Now I've seen your children's ages - you had a 4ish year gap between child 1 and 2? - what were the discussions around going back to work when your first was born. Were you on mat leave and just never went back? What was your thinking at that point? (You obviously don't need to answer, more a question to ask yourself to understand your own thoughts processes).

I know a few mums with 3 children, all have worked between pregnancies, and gone back to work at the 12 mth mark each time. There's no reason you can't start working 2 or 3 days a week in around 6mths time if you wanted to.

Doesn’t come across as an unhappy marriage.

Sorry OP, I haven’t read the whole thread. I married young to an older man also, had my first child at 21 (just before we got married), Dh was in his late 30’s. Raising 2 dc was hard, I did work and for a time I was the bread winner whilst dh was off with mental health issues. As my dc got a bit older I just felt more and more trapped. Dh was getting older and more boring, he didn’t want to take the dc on holidays or even days out and he was happy to spend weekends sat doing nothing. I felt my life was being wasted and I wanted more. Eventually after 11 years I left him.it wasn’t easy as I had 2 dc (both with SEN’s) but I don’t regret it. My only regret is not leaving sooner. Of course I still have the responsibility of raising my dc and money is very tight but I have time to do the things I enjoy with people I enjoy being with. I regret getting married and having children so young (even though I love them dearly).

Money isn’t everything but you need to consider what life will be like of you split, it’s definitely not an easy ride. But life is too short to be with someone you don’t want to be with.

You think this sounds happy?!

Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other

@Agegapwoes your kids will pick up on the marriage problems and honestly it would be better to split while they’re this age and set the example you’d like them to follow. Far worse for kids about to hit puberty. If you set boundaries and times when their Dad has them and they see him and can trust that he loves them, you will all be better off, because you will be happier too. They can still feel secure even if you are not together.

OP you’re getting a bit of a hard time from some posters.

It’s good that you are looking to make plans for your future - take the next few years to make a plan and start to carve out a life for yourself.

The only thing I would caution you on is that in my experience wealthy men tend to stay that way by holding on to whatever they can - don’t count on him giving you a generous settlement, or being accommodating once it’s clear you are leaving him. Get your ducks in a row before you tell him anything. In fact, if you can start squirrelling away money where possible.

Best of luck.

Double-posted.

@Ohnobackagain I think it would be prudent for the OP to work out her career path before splitting though. It'll be far easier if she's back in the workforce.

Hang on - what do you mean, start again? As in 'become 22 once again'? That ship has sailed, the circs are different now. Start again, my foot.

I think even if you don't want toake an immediate change you need to keep your eyes open OP and have a sense of the future. Someone gave very good advice upthread about not complicating life further, don't get a dog, don't move to the country.

You have been somewhat swept along, that needs to stop. Start really engaging with what you might want to do when your youngest starts at nursery. It's not far away. You're young now, but the decade between 30 and 40 flies by when you have young children.

I agree with others that the fact that your DH father had an affair doesn't mean he won't. People repeat old patterns sometimes whether they want to or not.

@Agegapwoes well tough luck for him! He is not your boss. Maybe making changes such as this will actually be good for both of you. Tell him you are feeling stifled. Surely things can’t be worse than they are now …you are both younger than me, my Dad is way older and yet much more modern than your DH. And can you really not go back to your old career? It is never too late!

Why are people insisting he will cheat? I don't understand the relevance of this here. OP seems certain he won't and she knows him best. No one can ever be sure but not all men cheat. And besides, so what if he has an affair at this point? OP doesn't love him or want to be with him. Why would him cheating be some big horror story? She'd probably be delighted to have the push to leave. Although I note that despite the lack of spark and passion and living like friends only, they still managed to conceive a baby eighteen months ago.

I feel sorrier for the husband that the OP tbh.

Of course @BruFord I wasn’t suggesting she doesn’t - edited as I missed out “I”

OP, the degrees where you can step up into corporate career with high probability do not exist. Or maybe it is first class Oxbridge Maths but I guess it is not you.
If I were you, I would have heart to heart conversation with your husband and have advice from him. He might have better ideas as he has much longer work career.
The ideas that come to mind for studying in London though:

• choose popular and demanding Masters in LSE - would not guarantee a job, but at least will keep in touch with the trends. Worth trying to apply to see whether you will be admitted in principle and will set up the expectations. Good Masters programmes are never online though.
• Actuary qualifications. High entry barrier, will define challenge you and keep occupied.

Law conversions will be waste of time for reason mentioned above.
MBA will also be waste of time without real work experience.

Its amazing how these men who do fuck all parenting are described by women as 'good fathers', when you know damn well they'd never call a woman doing so little parenting, a good mother.

You just made the choice that felt right at that point in time. So now you are a different point in time you get to make other choices.

What I meant is that she can't unwind the transaction - the youth for sale is not there anymore, she is now a grown-up woman with 3 kids, and this is not as easy to sell again.

So you thought you'd come on here and ask the opinions of people the majority of whom had no choice but to 'stick a baby in nursery 5 days a week'..?

OP - my sympathy for you is wearing very thin now. You have had (and still have!) so many more options and opportunities than I'm sure the average poster on here has. Yet you expect us to come up with ways you can still have an even better deal in life than you have already.

How do you define a "decent" career?

You already have a degree. You’re talking about getting another to avoid turning your live around right now, you're pushing it back. That’s not a career move, that’s just expensive procrastination.

I know someone like you. She had three kids with a well-off man, was a SAHM and complained about it all the time, started retraining, then changed her mind, started something else. After getting her degree, she decided that the career path wasn't flexible enough, so she started her own business. Failed at that, started another one. This one will fail too, because she doesn't really know what she wants from her life. She just wants "success", but it has to come easily. You sound the same, everyone is against you, everything is impossible.

Childcare has never hurt anyone, you're just dismissing it as a solution because then you would have to start working now, and from the bottom. You can't complain about the cage while you're holding the key. If you wait until the baby is in school to start at the bottom, you’ll be in your mid-30s competing with 22-year-olds. If you start now, by the time the baby is in school, you’ll already be mid-level. But you don't want that, apparently.

I predict that once their kids come along, many of your friends will be in a similar position to you after a few years.

He’s a good father in that he’s desperate to provide so that they don’t go without anything, is always excited to see them after work, and is fun with them. He’s hands off in that he likely doesn’t even know what size clothes they are or when homework is due in, or whether they have clean uniform or not as he’s just not here for the vast majority of the time.

Of course its relevant, he could be the one who ends up deciding to call time on the marriage and OP should take her head out of the sand and prepare for that. And knowing him best is another naive comment. The number of women who have sworn blind their partner wasn't the type to cheat and then find out he is, would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

I think there is some venom here due to the fact that I’ve said that DH earns well. If I’d have just said that I’ve been a stay at home mum for 6 years and I’m looking at returning to work in the next few years, there wouldn’t be this level of venom in some of these comments.