AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

@Ineffable23 has hit the nail on the head. Think about what you might be interested in (perhaps discuss it with a close friend or even a career coach if that would be helpful) and look into training opportunities. You could do another degree, for example, and return to the workforce with fresh qualifications.

You have time on your side and the resources to make it happen.

This is a horrible post. You've made up a lot of stuff there, most of which is your imagination and doesn't relate in any way to what the OP has told us.

When you say 'people don't like this type of woman... Like the majority of the population don't like private schools and behind the scenes leg ups borne of ££££." you aren't speaking for people - you're speaking for you.

😂. Believe me, there is no way DH would cheat. He had a turbulent childhood in which his father cheated on his mother and he saw the destruction it caused to his family. DH hates cheaters. It’s very easy to see DH as someone who just chases after women, but he isn’t actually like that at all.

People don’t like this type of woman? What a woman who dated somebody at work and then married him? You should have a think at why you feel so bitter and strongly at a situation like this that doesn’t affect you in the slightest.

I don't think it's bitchy. I think you're just coming across as very naive and people are trying to manage your expectations.

I am from a family full of lawyers. 1 who did a conversion course rather than law degree. It's long hours for much less pay than you'd expect, and really competitive to get started. Unless you are a young high flyer in London who manages to get into a major firm and then sacrifices everything for work you won't earn the kind of money you seem to be expecting.

Thank you. This is definitely the route I’d like to go down. I have a few years to study something/retrain. It’s just what to retrain as!

Sounds like you married the older, successful guy for money and all the perks …. now it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be 🤷🏻‍♀️ Ditto, the young officer girl and he got bored once the kids came along.
You get what you settle for.

Really horrible

You're ridiculously naive to claim he would never cheat.

I think there’s a benefit in striving and achieving and tackling a few bumps in the road and overcoming them. It sounds like you had your journey smoothed a lot and haven’t got the sense of achievement that your peers are experiencing. There was a thread recently here by someone proposing buying a property for their 21 year old ( who had “worked so hard” ). I actually thought it was to the detriment of the child to lose that experience of saving and buying their own property. Sounds like you need some of your own achievements beyond your lovely house and children. Whether that helps with your relationship long term who knows but it might put you in a better position to strike out on your own down the road.

I wanted to work in finance. Corporate law was always another thing I was interested in. Basically something quite corporate, office based, something to use my brain.

You have an amazing opportunity to reskill yourself. You are really extraordinarily fortunate, and I think you need to grit your teeth and move forward.

You can start an online university degree or other qualification part-time while your DC are young. They can go to nursery for a couple of mornings a week for "socialisation" if you think your DH thinks you should be doing all the child care.

You have money. Money can buy time. Money can be thrown at "problems" - do this. You DC will only be little for a few years. YOU have a long life ahead, and you can add to the family income - specifically your PENSION. Put that as an argument to your DH - you're looking at your future together (or not).

I don't think you realise how fortunate you are. You have a partner & children, and don't struggle for money. You don't have to work - that's an enormous luxury for any woman. You could be single & childless and poor. Many women are.

Money, a DH that seems relatively benign (no domestic violence) - you need to be a grown up now and get on with developing yourself, and stop being a whingey spoilt brat.

You spent your 20s enjoying someone else's money & labour, and didn't develop your own life. You might want to reflect on why that is? What is your value system now? It's not your husband's fault - it's you that needs to do the work.

I’m not. Ok - you can never be 100% sure. But getting married was a big deal for him, and I know how much his childhood has affected him and the way he feels about it. I’m certain as can be that he wouldn’t do that to his family / do to his children what he despises his father for.

You COULD work the hours, but you don’t want to because of your young children. Whilst that’s totally understandable and you are fortunate to be in a financial position to make that choice, it is not your husband’s fault.

I went to medical school with multiple friends with young children. They managed because it’s what they really wanted to do and they were looking at the long term picture. For what it’s worth I think it’s amazing for children to have role model parents showing them it is possible to be a parent and have an amazing career at the same time.

Plus you can do F1/F2 as well as all the later years part time.

If you divorce this man now after 3 children, you will get far more money in spousal and child support than experienced twenty somethings and thirty somethings working for big companies in canary wharf
I definitely wouldn't count on spousal maintenance when OP is still young and they've been married for 10 years or so.

You accuse people of being unkind. Problem is, you made decisions that you thought were best for you when you were younger which you know regret because you thought you were naive. Sometimes, hearing the truth is hard but your posts indicates that you are still seeing the world with naive eyes. Getting another degree or master is not the straight forward route to a well paid ft job in 10 years time when your kids are all in secondary school.

If you genuinely want to a career, you first step should be to get some work experience or at least volunteering over getting another degree when you already have a highly desirable one. Pointless at this stage.

and how will your DH feel when/if you leave him? Will he hate you for (in his mind) causing the destruction of your family? That probably wouldn’t make him inclined to be particularly generous…

anyhow, you keep defending your husband and have repeatedly stated that he’s a good father, generous, kind etc. If that is indeed true, I‘d try to make the relationship work whilst also preparing a solid exit strategy.

the middle child is 2 yo and goes to a prep. Your 6 month old would presumably go in 1.5 years as well…
so why not use that as an opportunity to rejoin the workforce? Pay for wrap around care / somebody to do the school runs and you’ll have quite a lot of „free time“, which you could use for work, studies etc.

What about a part-time MBA program? I know several people with families who did evening/weekend MBA programs.

It would be compatible with your economics degree and allow you to explore other areas of business. I don't know much about law degrees, but an MBA would get your brain back in business mode IYSWIM.

Edit to say that the benefit for your DH is that if you return to the workforce in a few years, he'll have less pressure on him to provide all the financial support, and he could potentially spend more time with your children. Once he's in his 50's, that might be v. appealing.

Many of us have no option, as to we have to work, to put young children in nursery full time. You are on one hand saying your husband wouldn’t support you working full time but then say you are not willing to. It seems you are blaming him and the relationship because you are jealous of other people’s lives. I bet people are jealous of yours!

I always found the first 6 months of a new baby to be difficult and maybe you will feel better as they get older. If not, everything you are complaining about is within your control.

Sorry if I’m missing something OP, but do you mean your 2yo is in nursery school?

you say you’re not keen on childcare - but nursery school is childcare?

I think you’d have had different comments from the start if you’d clarified that you’ve just had a baby. It’s a pretty challenging time to be planning out a long term career path.

ignore the mean comments about scheming secretaries etc.

What are you asking for?

But would you have married him if he’d been a labourer living in a council flat, earning little money and not taking you on fabulous holidays?

You have mentioned the corporate world previously, and that seems to be what you are familiar with from your previous employment and your DH. But have you thought about self employment? You could use the next few years to retrain, if needed, and/or also look at starting a business, planning, preparation, ground work etc (in the new trade or something else). There are pros and cons obviously, it can be a lot of work to get a new business up and running. But it can also be flexible around what you want, develop over time as your kids grow. It could also give you more potential, than fighting against young, fresh, not time restricted 20 somethings. As you don't necessarily need the money immediately either, it can give you the chance to take more risks early on, to help future growth.

It isn't right for everyone, and completely get if it doesn't interest you. But could be a different option to consider.

Exactly.

No, she wouldn’t have even glanced at him!

Oh his father cheated and hates cheats, just like a shit tonne of other cheating men? Sorry, but you're painfully naive. I hope youre right, but I highly highly doubt it.

If only we use simple words to describe things surrounding us, we shall gain so much understanding! In this scenario you sold your youth for Maldives and Seychelles, you thought it was a good thing to do. Now you are experiencing 'side effects'. I am not being harsh, I doubt that you would have married him if he were a penniless older man, or a run-of-the-mill unsuccessful middle-aged bloke. This is not criticism in any way, only an age-old adage, that people who are not wealthy can't marry for love alone. I mean, if you were from a wealthy family, those Maldives would have not made such an impact. All is not lost though - your children will marry their contemporaries for love, hopefully, because they can't be so easily captivated by the trappings of wealth.

Why is this man with you???

I'd be asking myself that question if I were you because, apart from the 3 children, which he's not that bothered about, the bonds are based on luxury holidays and the glamour of dating the 22yr old office girly....

Just take his money. It's what you signed up for. So take it. Start again.