AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

I get that you’d prefer to be a SAHM and raise your DC without relying on childcare, work PT in a few years and study something new and exciting. Many people would!

But I would question whether you could actually afford to do that in your current situation. Being a SAHM is already financially risky in a happy, mutually respectful and loving marriage. You’re in a marriage that’s (according to you) broken and beyond repair. That won’t improve your odds.

I would also take into account that your husband seems to have some ideas and opinions about who the money he earns belongs to. So I absolutely wouldn’t count on him being generous or fair if either of you decides to end this relationship.

Also, has anyone noticed a tone recently on these threads along the lines of 'I'm not prepared to put my kids in childcare'? I've been both a SAHM and full-time working mother (much more of the latter) and, while I firmly believe that working is the better option for all concerned and for a multitude of reasons, if someone wants to be a SAHM and has full financial security (being married) and full pension payments made by their husband that's up to them. It's a 100% valid choice, and each to their own. But the sort of smug digs at the rest of us 'forcing' our kids into that terrible place that is 'childcare' isn't cool

I think women like this give others a bad name, those early 20 something graduates in London, renting rooms, doing 2nd,3rd, 4th jobs to make ends meet to get their professional qualications and get their careers off the ground... Student loan debt. It's called sacrifice, striving, commitment.

This OP saw an easier life, took it, and now she's upset how it turned out... Whilst her peers have done well and likely didn't have the hols, nice cars, nice home of this woman in their 20s...

You missed the boat love... But you knew what you were doing! (and let's not pretend otherwise)

I'd rather give a young person an opportunity than this woman. Someone who hasn't had such an easy last few years with pots of someone else's cash.. :)

This OP. Easier to restart your career now but staying with your DP for now, and getting a nanny.

If I was you I'd do that then later if you still want to, once your career is established, go for divorce.

There's loads of "mum returners" programmes at some big companies. If you make an effort, I bet you'll be shocked how quickly your career can take off in just five years.

Why did you choose to have 3 children - youngest being 6 months if this is how you feel? 🤔

I bet your family and friends tried to tell you this would happen. Don’t worry. We all end up screwing up our lives for men anyway so if it wasn’t this one…

Hello OP

i won’t vote because I think it’s a mixed bag. I have been in your shoes- nearly exactly, and I chose to leave. I had 2 children under 6, and left a very very rich man. I am now remarried to someone else, with 2 more very young children and very little money, although my now husband does earn okay, and will one day inherit quite a bit (but that’s a very long way off). We are desperately in love- and have been since we met 8 years ago. I will tell you a few things I have noticed-

1- the money is very nice to have. My family now we have to watch every penny especially so I can stay at home. I don’t have the luxury of caring for myself to the same degree or thinking about being jealous about what others have (other than help or a holiday!!!) because I am doing everything- I used to have private schools for the children, a nanny two mornings a week, holidays whenever we wanted them, endless shopping and never worried or wanted for anything. That is absolutely not the case now and I won’t lie- it’s hard. It might have been slightly easier had my new husband and I decided we didn’t want more children, but that was part of what we both wanted.

2- that rich man will take every bit of money and use it against you if you leave. Mine promised not to, and has spent every waking moment making life hard for me and my girls- it doesn’t matter if the extra money for them could make their lives better- if it at all made mine better as a result, he refuses. They have been ripped from their schools, their home and area when I couldn’t afford it anymore. I could be wrong and you could have a very nice ex husband, but even the most docile dogs can bite.

3- it isn’t a clean do over. You will grieve and your children will too. I’ve vastly underestimated this. I thought because my children were little it would be a lot easier on them. But my oldest daughter remembers her father and I being married and still brings up our lives together
and asks if I love him. Dividing summers, and holidays between two families has its own type of heartbreak. And so do new in-laws, especially if they aren’t the most welcoming or generous to your children. However, the children do get absolutely spoiled by their dad when they see him and by his family. Also to note-I really grieved, despite being the one who asked for divorce the loss of our lives together as silly as that is. I fell in a really deep dark hole for a long time, even though I knew what I was doing with ultimately be best for me because I wanted emotional security and Love, which is exactly what I have now.

4-I regretted not trying out marriage counseling and putting in more of a fight for my first marriage. It probably would not have fixed anything but when time got really difficult later on, especially watching my children suffer, I could’ve at least told myself that I tried my best with every single resource I had. Instead, I have to rely on feelings and memories that I have no idea if they were right or not, but that could just be my own issues flaring up.

5- being a single mom is hard. And when you divorce many people you think are your friends will think you’ve gone crazy and will never speak to you again.

6- a step mom can be a good or a very bad thing. You have no power- she does. And when he remarries she will decide everything for your children. Be wary.

with all of this said, I love my life and my children and most definitely my husband. However, none of these were things I thought intensely about at the time. I wouldn’t have listened then probably either. I would’ve underestimated how difficult they are. I would never go back and do things differently except no 4 and if I were to give you any advice, it would be to think long and hard about these things. Happy to chat anytime.

Yanbu op

Only 7 years difference here and the gap is widening so I can only imagine how you feel

Lawyer and university lecturer here. Corporate law is insanely competitive. You will need to do a year's conversion course and professional qualification, followed by a training contract. The top firms get thousands of applications for only a few places.

Surely it would be easier to go back to accounting? Maybe do a part time masters in accounting/economics or an MBA over the next couple of years to get your brain back into it?

I think you should appreciate what you have. I read your post twice and not once have you mentioned anything about him, his personality, how he treats you and others. Is he such a bad choice?

I think you’ll miss him when he’s gone, and it’s not fun trying to find a partner in this day and age

Only very shallow, very stupid women, would kill to be in this situation.

The "childcare is bad for kids" is the only consolation they have, to justify their sacrifices. I don't begrudge it. I would never ever trade places with a SAHM. If they have to convince themselves that childcare is torture, to resign themselves to their lot, then so be it. There are so many downsides, as op has discovered, so let them have this one thing.

Could you try a completely different tack OP?

I didn't know your youngest was only six months old.

I want to ask why you kept on having babies with a man you knew wasn't making you happy six years ago? I know you wanted siblings for your first child but my goodness, that's one hell of a sacrifice for you. To stay with someone you know is fundamentally wrong for you and have two more babies.

Or have you not been as unhappy before as you are now? Could this be because you're up to your ears in baby and two other small children?

Could you shelve all thought of future career moves for twelve months. Just spend a year doing wonderful things. Book a holiday, do things you love. Money isn't a problem, enjoy it, let life tick on a bit. Perhaps do some work on YOU. Read a lot of books about finding your path, talk to people you know to have lots of life experience and wisdom.

Then in a year's time think again, when you have a clear head and your youngest is older.

@AgegapwoesI'm going out on a limb here to suggest that you count your blessings.
You have a comfortable life, no money worries and three healthy children at school so plenty of time for yourself as a SAHM
Don't keep bleating on about your lost career, no-one held a gun to your head. Think about how you could either restart that career or something associated, or decide on a different route and get on with getting whatever qualifications you need for that (as you have time and money).
No-one knows what the future holds, but sort out your own potential for independence and don't waste energy regretting your choices. You are in a privileged position.

I feel for you. My friend did this and is now 45 and has no career, her advice would be start training in something as soon as is possible. Even part time over five years, don’t get stuck with no pension and no way of earning. Especially because you’re still young, and clearly very bright. You can study and work while the children are in bed or at nursery/school. Your youngest has years until they are at school so I wouldn’t wait until then, you could have something well under way by then.
you don’t want to be in the same place in ten years time. Do something now, just start. The longer you leave it the harder it will be.
Personally I think it’s less the age difference and more the earning difference that can’t affect power balances. The way you are saying he is calling the shots because he is the earner. Don’t let that go on, build your own career.

No one is saying you should.

What posters are advising is that, no matter how much studying you do, you will not step into any of these roles when you’re ready, without some work experience, especially if you are requiring a degree of flexibility. Posters have made some really good suggestions of how you could get back into the workplace. There isn’t a degree programme that will catapult you above any of the other highly qualified graduates out there who will be starting their own career paths and gaining experience. Options are starting in something which offers a greater deal of flexibility, with the downside perhaps being lower pay, or highly paid roles which will require a degree of commitment you may not be able to offer until your kids are much older.

Time to grow up then and stop being a passenger your life. Divorce him, get back into your career, sort out a pension and build the life you want. No "I cant" or "he wouldn't like it", or using the kids as an excuse not to leave because you're scared of standing on your own two feet - don't be a coward and waste your life, or you're just making the same mistake again.

I meant to add to my long post, I will be retraining and going back to school too, I think working would help me and my family a lot, however I’m the same as you and want to be with my young children (not because I look down on childcare) but because they are little only for so long. I have an 8 month old and a 3 year old. I moved from another country and none of my qualifications from there are useful here- the job I held isn’t even a job here, so retraining or finding some very benign but easier admin job, hopefully at a school with the kids, would be my best bet.

just give yourself time- you’re 6 months postpartum and for now have lots happening. Think about retraining potentially and make space for you. You don’t need a whole life upheaval YET

You've given some conflicting information about the ages of your children, so some of the advice in this thread might change accordingly. In the OP it says you have primary aged children, but in a later post you mention that your youngest is only 6 months old. If your goal is to retrain and/or work part-time for many years but wait to return to work full time until the baby is a teenager, I think it will be very difficult (although not impossible) to develop a decent career. 13 years is a long time.

I think that investigating your options immediately would be worth it. Studying is certainly possible when you have little ones at home. You could hire a nanny, not necessarily full time. Since you're in London, there are many families in similar positions and you could look into sharing a nanny with another family.

Part-time work might make sense for you, but it depends to some extent on the career you choose. In some fields, virtually no one works part time. And you could end up in the worst of all possible situations: essentially doing a full-time job in part-time hours.

This poster is dead on.

The first post says that OP has primary aged children, then she goes on to say one is 2 and one is 6 months?

she also says she worked for just 1 year, but that she didn’t get pregnant until 25?

these are quite different situations, and the type of advice received for them (particularly the first point) will be quite different as well.

something feels a bit odd about this thread.

I’m confused why you’ve had more children in an unhappy marriage??

Your can’t have everything. You either utilise childcare and get stuck in like the rest of us juggling kids and a career to be financially independent with a decent career, or you stay put and shut up.

Law degree/career… all around your terms and family 🙄good grief!

Re the pension, your dh will need to be the one to transfer the money if you don't have a joint account with plenty in it each month, but it won't be him generously agreeing to pay something into your pension. It's your money too as once his children arrived he would not have been able to earn his current salary without your help, in this case by you being a sahm. Paying into your pension is a good use of your joint funds, as would be paying for training for you. That would also make you more resilient as a family in case he ever stops being able to work. So all of this is about making good investment choices with your joint funds, not something he can generously bestow on you (or not). Stopping paid work to be a sahm should never have led to a pause in your pension payments, the deal should always have been that they carried on being made, from the moment you went on maternity leave.

My 2 year old and 6 year old are both at primary (prep) school.

I was furloughed for a long time during Covid so ended up not working for quite a while.

I'm sure that yes, she could happily spend the next 12 months or more holidays...

The bad news is that I doubt he'd want to pay for it anymore, there's likely a fresher model at work if their relationship is so kaput.

The reasons he was originally with her are largely gone.

It's a tale as old as time.

And let's not kid ourselves, she barely got out of the career starting gates. She had a taster... But the world moved on, competition moved on, and people don't like this type of woman... Like the majority of the population don't like private schools and behind the scenes leg ups borne of ££££.