AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

You certainly sound like you idea of a career but don’t want to do anything at all to make that a reality. Don’t want to work 9-5, don’t want to have to use childcare, etc. which is fine.

But choices have consequences and the consequence of you not wanting to go out to work is how you’re feeling now. So you’re best off accepting it and just enjoying your lifestyle. Go to the gym, meet friends for lunch, book a holiday to the Maldives.

Half the country have degrees now. No big deal, certainly not rare or worth a massive leg up any more...

Ten years of work experience beats a master's any day. BA's are worth little more than 3 A-levels any more. Everyone's got one.

How does he manage to be both "very hands off" and "a great dad"?

I don't think that's actually possible. It sounds like he's playing the fun uncle to his own children.

Yes, I have quite a few friends with degrees who didn’t work when the kids were small. Kids got to secondary age and they started looking for work and sadly found out that nobody was interested in employing them. Not even for roles they considered quite basic such as shop work. Employers would rather have someone with a proven record.

This is so sad to read. And it’s a salutary lesson — if you have a good job be very, very wary about giving it up completely. Especially if you’re in a position to be able to be able to find good childcare.
Yes, it will be expensive and hard work to juggle your job, child and relationship but in many ways you are future-proofing your life. And yes, your DH will have to (learn to) step up but it’s ultimately for his benefit too; not least for his relationship with his children.
Take as much maternity leave as you can, see if part time working is at all possible. You are legally allowed to ask for this and it would probably be worthwhile setting out your case to show how it would benefit your employer too.
The first few years may be hard but this time is still so enjoyable and rewarding.
I’ve been through the storm and survived. You will too.

@JulietteHasAGun

Not the case for me personally and I waited until my youngest out of 3 went to secondary before I really committed in a career/full time. Did the OU degree in their younger years. Had plenty of opportunities. I was 36 though at that point, so perhaps that was a factor.

But what is it that I can study that will allow me to move into a decent corporate role eventually?

"Eventually"?

If you refuse to work even part time until your children are older, then by the time you're ready to rejoin the work force, the economy will likely have moved on. So you can't expect to simply "move into a decent corporate role" as someone who has voluntarily taken herself out of the world of work for several years.

Also, AI is going to have a huge effect on the jobs market, especially the 'sitting in front of a computer all day' kind of jobs. So bear that in mind too.

I do agree with others. You seem to like the idea of working but don't seem prepared to make any sacrifices for it. But unless you've got something special to offer an employer, and even if you do, there will always be trade-offs involved. You don't seem prepared to make those trade-offs, so maybe best to reconcile yourself to the life you've chosen.

I don't understand why the OP doesn't divorce, take half his money and start again.

She, even with 3 children, can probably find another older man with money who might be easier than this guy.

I'd not advise trying to get back the life she had at 22 or 23... I think those days are realistically long gone. Companies have so much choice these days and young people with PhD's are literally bending over backwards to work for the top firms doing 80hr weeks.

Someone told the OP she was special years ago and gave her a chance, but let's be honest, we've all seen younger women date the boss, marry senior management, do whatever it takes to get a leg up. Most recruiters know the type...

How do you solve it? You decide what to sacrifice, like most people do.

you can’t have part time work, high pay, and a career which will let you start full time at 40. That doesn’t exist. Many people on here have explained that, but it sounds like you don’t want to listen?

I’m sorry but you’re being unnecessarily bitchy. I have a 6 year old, a 2 year old and a 6 month old. Forgive me for not being able to move into a corporate role right this second.

Again, unnecessarily bitchy.

I think further study could be the answer - easier to work a part time MA around kids. What about some kind of up and coming AI type course - then if it turns out not to work out it doesn’t sound like losing the fees will be a huge issue for you anyway?

You will need to accept getting some form of childcare at some point though if you want the big job

Just to add that I was very career driven in my 20s, and worked my way up to Assistant Editor on a trade magazine. I then had a career break of 8 years to look after my two youngest (after my head injury I will add), but to be honest I think the initial work career experience was invaluable to finding a role upon my return. I kept my LinkedIn profile active and was offered my current role by an original employer.

Being proactive is very important to getting something out of life too. As others have said, either embrace the SAHM life or do a lot of research into making the accountancy decision work.

Of course. I’m just not prepared to stick a baby in nursery full time, 5 days per week.

Most courses are a few years long part-time anyway. So the kids would be a bit older by the time I’d be ready to look for work.

Maybe easier if a bit younger. Think my friends waited till kids were nearly finisHe’d secondary school and they would have been late 40s themselves and not worked for 20 years.

This is very good advice

You can't 'move into a corporate role' at any time. You have to be able to offer an employer a range of skills and experience, which you don't have and won't be able to acquire unless you make some trade-offs. Nobody is hanging around waiting to offer you a plum job. Sorry if that's being 'bitchy' but it's the truth.

I'm not sure what exactly you want people here to say to you? If you want to stay home with your kids, that's fine. But if you want to re-enter the jobs market in a turbulent economic time, then you have to be prepared to make some sacrifices. The trouble is you don't seem to be prepared, and your attitude of calling others 'bitchy' when you actively chose the input of strangers is rather telling.

Can I ask what you do?

Not really. There's barely an office in the country where the secretary or graduate trainee hasn't seen an opportunity with an older, wealthier man, typically senior management. Marry him, get promoted (tick, step up), get married (tick, money, lifestyle), have child (tick, guaranteed long term money)..

My last boss married his secretary who was awful at her job, then when redundancies came around, her name wasn't on the list despite the last in first out policy... Cost a man with 2 children and 12 years in the company his job.

So b itchy? Maybe wee... But you liked those expensive hols in your 20s.... :)

I don’t think that was bitchy at all. I think it was good and correct advice. Nobody cares if you work or stay at home, you should absolutely do what you feel is right. But it’s not bad advice to point out potential pitfalls falls….that in a few more years time you may find it a lot harder to find a role. I do hope it works out.

@Agegapwoes You don't have to stick a baby in a nursery full time. Given that you have three kids I suspect a nanny would be an ideal solution. It would allow you to work part time, still take your baby to classes, but hand over to someone else. And then they would do the boring bits: school pick ups for eg while you got some work done.

DH and I both worked full time with 2 kids and one of us would stop working around 3 (now 4 as the kids are older so come back from school later) and give the whole evening to our kids and resume work at night. But it meant that those bits that are time consuming- the endless laundry, the clean up after lunch was left to someone else and I got straight down to work (which allowed the earlier finish). And then I could pick my work back after the kids were in bed.

Eventually when they are pre-school age, we worked compressed hours- so 4 days each so kids were in full time day care only for 3 days and one of those days I picked them up early as well by working later. Was it tiring yes? Did it mean we both kept our careers going while making sure our kids were not short changed- also yes? This is not possible with every profession.

But the key to your unhappiness is your DH and your inertia. He's not actually supportive of your career- he's not an ally. And because you stopped work when you had barely started, you can't see a way forward. And so you are fantasising about a different life with a different man, or moving on and finding someone instead of the difficult bit which is juggling full time work across part time hours, having a kid, the sleepless nights, being present for them and work, in order to make sure that when the kids are older both of us have a career to return to.

You can still have some sort of career, retrain and something else. No one is chaining you to the sink!

Plenty of women (and men) work corporate jobs with young kids. That’s their choice, it may not be yours, and that’s fine. But you can’t expect to be home with your kids till they’re teenagers and also eventually find an high paying corporate job. Expecting this is a bit immature.

I second the person who said don’t move to the country. My mum did this and it was an awful decision for her. Once her kids were grown up, she had no options and nothing to do.

Firstly you need to stop comparing yourself to your peers and stop looking through rose coloured glasses at what you think they have/are doing. You do not know for sure what exact specifics are going on with them. You are inclined to view it as a bed of roses, minus the shit that inevitably accompanies it.

Then, you need to accept the current status of your life. Regardless of what may happen in the future, you need to accept that you are married to a corporate big wig who’s nearing 50 and you have three small children. You are where you are and you need to figure out how to move forwards. And be careful not to casually re-write history to suit your current narrative.

I absolutely assure you that a man of that age has plenty of sex appeal - and this is magnified by his earning power and status. If he wanted to go out and get laid after work, this would be fantastically easy for him. Far easier than it would be for you, as you are the mum at home with three small dc. You think he won’t cheat on you? That would be fantastically naive. You’ve already said your relationship is lacking intimacy. As you are planning your own long term exit (via some imaginary high paying career), you are neglecting your marriage today (that’s not to say he isn’t neglecting it as well, or doesn’t have faults). You simultaneously expect him not to leave you, but for you to be able to daydream about leaving him.

You have re-written history to some extent. You say you were young, naive, whatever. Maybe, but you fancied the pants off him. That’s a fact. Nobody forced you to get married. You really, really wanted to marry him and you should not forget that. Perhaps things went too quickly, but those things are done and kids are born. So you go from there.

you owe it to yourself, to him and to your kids to put a shit load of effort into your marriage and family. If it doesn’t work out, well, you go from there. But it’s sure as hell not going to work out if you aren’t even invested or actively taking steps to protect it.

remember that you don’t know what you’ve got until you lose it. You dismiss your marriage as though it was a mistake. It wasn’t a mistake. You have found yourself in a rut, yes. But 3 small kids is a fucking nightmare for anyone, age gap or not.

I don’t know, I guess I am telling you to be careful and look more honestly at the past rather than dismissing him as a mistake. How do you think he’d feel about hearing that he was a mistake you rushed into because you were young?

Even studying from home, fitting that around under 5s, is not easy. Combine that with a marriage dynamic where you're expected to do everything at home... it's not realistic unless you're seriously self-disciplined and determined. You'll struggle to carve out enough hours a week without being firm with your dh to take household stuff on, and/or use childcare.

I have a child-free friend who is doing an OU degree part time at the moment alongside quite a low key 35h week job. She is not finding it easy at all, lots of tears and postponed deadlines. That's without the three kids.

I don't think you'll find it easy op, in fact I'd be quite impressed with anyone in your position sticking at it through a whole law conversion course or whatever. There's no financial need driving you. You've got in the habit of relative leisure. You're the default person for all parenting and cooking and laundry etc.

Why not settle into the groove you're in, have contentment with your lot? Many people would long to have the luxury you have.