AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

I think part of the problem is you are looking for something with absolutely no downsides. So you can continue being 100% SAHM, and study something that will get you into a satisfying, corporate (cushty) job for 4 days a week on your timeline. The thing is the satisfying, corporate jobs do require the hard yards and sacrifice at the beginning of your career so you're going to have to suck those up at some point and it may not all be perfect, fulfilling and require no compromise. I think you need to consider that there may not be the perfect solution and to take the one that gets you to where you want to be. It might mean studying on the weekends, it probably will mean some challenges to your time/DH having to do a bit more parenting, it definitely will mean not doing the 'perfect' job for a while.

Realistically, all you have is a degree (and everyone has a degree in the types of jobs you are targeting). One year experience is nothing, and you don't have the flexibility of a 22 yr old. You're also not considering how fast the job market is changing at the moment. I would not be studying law right now - graduate law jobs are going to be like hen's teeth (even more so, and rightly or wrongly) because of AI. High flying accountancy requires the grad years you're not able/willing to do (and also, will be replaced asap by algorithms unless MAYBE forensic/criminal). What about teaching? Least you get the holidays. You don't sound particularly STEM oriented but I'd be doing cyber security, machine learning, data engineering. Things in construction/blue collar will survive - health & safety, mechanical/electrical engineering. Space sector will stay strong, as will any sort of resource mining (inc water).

You do need your own pension. You should have your own motivations, interests, career. You're still very young and have time but I think you need to be realistic on the sacrifices you are willing to make to get you to where you want to be.

This reads as pretty judgmental. I

Thank you.

Yes I guess I want something that has it all (high pay that could support myself and my DC if it came to that, flexible and something that will also accept late starters). Not working full time with small children is an absolute non-negotiable for me though.

I do already have a degree in economics.

I don’t think that you necessarily have ‘less in common now’. Most 38 year olds have very little in common with 22 year olds. That’s a massive maturity gap.

More likely, love bombed you because he wanted a young wife. Now that he’s ’got you’, he feels like he doesn’t need to make the effort anymore, or care what you think. And yes, I think this is potentially a form of grooming.

I think there's a few things going on here.

You're looking back on what you think you might have missed out on but some of those things sound better than they may have been in reality. I'm also not sure it's entirely down to the age gap. I think it's more that you've found yourself quite unsatisfied with your life and you don't know where to go from here.

It sounds positive that you think you'd like to start retraining now, why not see a career coach / mentor and discuss what options are out there for you? It doesn't have to be something that leads to a 'big' career, I think it's more important to look for something that you'll enjoy and get satisfaction from. Could you update your existing qualifications and look for something part time in a local business for example, or retrain in something completely different. Anything that would give you an external focus and purpose, meeting new people etc.

Can you reconnect with old friends, or find something new to do where you'd meet new people. Something that's juts for you and not just you as a wife and mum?

Once you feel a happier within yourself then look at your relationship to see if its possible to make changes. You don't seem to want to leave your DH so it might be worth exploring further if your unhappy in the relationship, unhappy with yourself of a bit of both? You've some ideas of what to do for you, is there anything that could be done to make the relationship better? Getting babysitters, time away together etc to see if there's a spark that could be rekindled. 3 young kids is hard going and can dampen anyone's sparkle, most parents are in survival mode during this time and need to make an effort to keep connected.

That way if you do decide you need to leave then you know that you've done your best to turn things around.

As an aside, I'd ask your DH if he could start to pay into a pension for you too - I mean if will benefit you both if you stay together so why not?

You could look for relevant volunteering too, charities perhaps. Something to get you structure, recent experience and a reference.

Could be a lot worse OP, try and focus on the positives.
A friend of mine has a similar age gap and he's now in his 70s, retired but skint and she's working 6 days a week in her late 50s.

Get yourself a career now, you have the ability to pay for childcare.
A dear friend of mine had a huge age gap marriage, he was 25 years older than her, she was 18 and he was a divorced 32 year old. She was young and naive and wasn't forward thinking, love and all the trappings were the lure. She was a stay at home to 3 kids who have all grown up now and has never worked a day in her life. She is now a carer to her 70 year old husband, who is ill with a serious illness, with not long to live. She has no money of her own and no pension and is completely reliant on her husbands pension. They have no property of their own as they sold to move abroad and had to come back because of his illness. Once he dies she will be homeless and left to fend for herself and she is only in her early 50's.
You do not want to be in this situation as it is not as easy further down the line, without a job and career who would be finished.

Where did you get to with accounting, are you qualified? It’s probably easier to stick with accounting and make a career here than start over in something else.
Theres lots of accounting roles that can be done part time to help you build up. It might not be the big 4 role or career trajectory you had before but there’s still a lot you can do and which can then lead to something else later.

I know I'm somewhat a lone voice here as many pp have suggested career retraining and/or divorce.

I just think op you should be honest with yourself. You do not sound like a grafter-type personality. Retraining as a solicitor, in that hard competitive world, with an ambivalent husband and three young kids and a huge unemployment gap, would be hard. It requires a grafter mind. You'll be up against all sorts of obstacles. The sort of personality who would abandon their big 4 job for an older man and holidays in the maldives is not a grafter.

I say this as someone who doesn't like to be too challenged at work either. It's not for everyone.

Already your responses hint that even the smallest of obstacles (school pickup, say) are enough to wobble your resolve.

Just embrace the luxury SAHM life with the pilates and the PTA and getting your hair and nails done. I'm not even being sarcastic, I think there's a lot to be said for being content with one's lot in life. Your situation could be so much worse.

We never know what would've happened otherwise our circumstances. You MIGHT have had an amazing career and lots of lovely holidays with friends and met someone great your own age and had children.

You also MIGHT have;
Had career setbacks, had an awful boss who bullied you/ended up hating your job or wanting a different thing altogether/got made redundant as often happens in finance
Met someone great but whom you weren't biologically compatible with, and struggled to conceive
Met someone your age who turned into an abusive ass once you married/had children
Grew apart from friends as they did something similar to you or just differences that often occur with age/life differences
Gone on an amazing holiday and something terrible happened and you ended up disabled/unable to work

And all manner of other things some far worse.

Your feelings are valid, but the grass isn't always greener.

Why is it not an option? I get it's not easy but it sounds like you have the funds to cover childcare. Go back into the career you started in, even if you need to start at the bottom again. Find yourself, make your own achievements. Then you can split if you feel the same. Alternatively, being back in the workforce might bring you closer together...

I also agree with this. Not everything is for everyone. Your husband seems like a nice man. Enjoy yourself, encourage him to too. You're still young and could find a lucrative and enjoyable career of your own when the time feels right, but you don't have to and I don't think the solicitor route is the right one. Not all of them do/earn well either.

Fair, and I do think you're getting a bit of an unjustified pasting here for - correctly - building yourself and your kids a very nice life!

I think my point is just, we all want something that has it all - if you find it let me know but I suspect having it all means actually being a man with a SAHW...

Fair enough your hard line is no full time work with small children but it may be that to have it all - that is what is required. Otherwise, you need to consider what sacrifices you deem acceptable. At the moment the sacrifice is no pension, no fulfilment outside the family home - you're finding that unacceptable (understandably). You may have to accept lower pay if you won't accept full time work for another decade. If it accepts late starters, it may not be in your ideal field. If it's flexible, it might be really full on and stressful (I'm flexible but my GOD I have so much to do). We all make these choices, and play this balancing game to build our lives.

And, I don't mean this to sound harsh but - your degree in economics, with no work experience 10 years later isn't a selling point unless you use it to get into a masters/applied training. That's about all it's useable for now. It won't get you onto a grad scheme, and you've no evidence you've used it since, or kept up with the field.

I do get where you're coming from, I'm just trying to say I think you need to take some time, do some research into what you think would work and make a long-term, realistic plan that chips away at your goals! It might be that in 20 years you turn around and you did get it all after all, but if you don't start you'll never get there!

I don't think you're disappointed with your marriage, you're disappointed in yourself. By settling down with a wealthy man 16 years your senior, you essentially "skipped the levels." You got the end-game lifestyle without the early-game grind. Now you're realizing that the grind is actually where you develop your identity. Without it, you're just an accessory to someone else’s life.

All your answers here, all those "I wish I could, but...", they are just excuses. Nothing you've raised here is unsolvable. You’re holding your own life hostage because you’re too proud to be the "oldest junior in the office" and too comfortable to sacrifice your lifestyle. Your husband doesn't sound abusive, I'm sure you could find a compromise if you really wanted to.

You aren't mourning a lost career, you’re mourning a fantasy. You're refusing to start small (or at all, because of Excuses), you’re moaning on Mumsnet and ensuring that you'll never start at all, which allows you to keep blaming your husband instead of your own choice to stay stagnant.

Honestly, do you ever ask yourself if he's happy in your relationship? Because he probably fell for an ambitious young woman, who turned into a bored mummy. You’re holding him responsible for a "lost" career that you aren't even brave enough to start today. If you actually have the drive you claim to have, then it's time to prove it.

I hate that men pull out the 'selfish' card if we want to do something for ourselves like advance our careers, use our brains, have some autonomy, build some self-worth! Yet another stick to beat us women with. Tell him it is hugely selfish of him to ask you to pledge your entire life to his career advancement and financial betterment!

Spot on. Comparing yourself to others makes an otherwise good life feel miserable.

How do I solve it though? As I honestly don’t know the answer to that.

I do want to be working towards a decent career. But how do I do it without putting my young children (one being only 6 months old) into full time childcare? I know that I can fit academic study in around them at this age. But what is it that I can study that will allow me to move into a decent corporate role eventually? Without my age being a hindrance?

I’m not shirking away from this - I just don’t really know what it is that I could do.

I think you've answered your own question. You don't actually want to go back to work fully which, it seems to me, would ultimately solve your problem of feeling bored and frustrated with life and yourself.

If staying home with kids is non-negotiable and you're only prepared to go back to work when they are teenagers (!) then yes you might find it a lot harder as you'll be late 40s then.

I don't understand your comments about him not wanting you to work full time or be around for drop offs. Why does he get to control this aspect of your life??? Why can't he help with drop offs? Why can't you use after school clubs/nannies? It's not up to him! You've given five (?) years of your life to parenting; now it's time for you to work on your career.

Moneywise, you are a partnership - your wages and his wages go into a pot and that pot pays for childcare. If he doesn't 'allow' this then I'd say you're creeping into a controlling situation...

Insurance. AI is definitely coming for the industry at some point (as with most industries) but good underwriters and brokers are very in demand as it stands and you can pivot into sales/management etc. If you’re good at maths, actuaries earn VERY well and generally WFH and you could start studying towards it now.

You need a series of sessions with a careers coach.

No one can tell you exactly what your future career could/should be. You need to put the effort in to find out. Read the thread, make a list, do some research, talk to people. Take action.

Otherwise you are just whinging to strangers on the internet about a life that is far, far more comfortable than many of us.

This too, OP.

I had a great career in publishing before having a head injury and being injured permanently by an off label antipsychotic that gave me a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia.

My brain has never really been the same since, but I've learned to be someone who's a lot more grateful, grounded, empathetic to others' woes, and happy to be content with my family, three wonderful children and a part time job that pays a pittance but let's me work from home.

Life can always be a lot worse. Count your blessings, always.

You have had some good responses on this thread, so I will try not to repeat comments that have already been made.

On the subject of careers, whenever I have had a life-path dilemma, I have sometimes found it helpful to venture a little way down several paths. If doors start to open and things look possible, then I take that as a sign to explore a little further. This can be really simple, for example, why not buy some SQE materials on Amazon? Or go to a college open evening?

My main advice to you would be, for God's sake, do not make your life more complicated than it already is. Having had three children is a huge complicating factor, so don't compound it. At the moment you have the major advantage of being in London, so resist the move to that big house in the country at all costs! Otherwise you will find yourself a rail commute away from jobs and training opportunities while somehow needing to drive three children to separate schools...

Likewise, resist the pressure to take on a pet, especially a dog. This absolutely will come up as your children get older and their friends get pets. I live in a land with a lot of dogs and see many SAHM whose entire daily life seems to be taking a large, active-breed dog for one, two, three walks per day, around school runs. Funnily enough, the arrival of the dog often seems to coincide with the youngest child going to school. The dog of course can't be left or go to day-care, because it is so used to being at home...

Nothing wrong with either of the above lifestyle choices, if that's what you want. But I don't think you do...

In terms of the future of your relationship, I hope that you can regain the spark and think this is worth pursuing. I have had tremendous highs and lows in my own long marriage, so it really can happen.

However, my own DH is in a very similar world to yours and what I would say is that affairs amongst high-earning men are not uncommon, quite often resulting in men leaving a wife for a much younger woman. I have heard about the fallout several times, to devastating effect. He picked you out as a trainee, so be very careful that a similar pattern does not repeat itself...

That all sounds rather tragic to be honest, like you’ve been so pampered and sheltered that you had an adult failure to launch.

Divorce him. You’re hardly going to be up the shit creek financially are you? He’s an old man. Sounds like you’ve both served each others purpose. There was a huge imbalance of power there at 38 and 22, did you not get any advice from your own family of origin? I’d have to have a word with my daughter if that was her.