AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

If your husband isn’t a complete arsehole, you’ve really got it made if you look at it clearly,

I married my 38 yr old, high earning DH at 24 and had two children in my late 20s. I didn’t actually give up work, but my glittering career was fucked by having kids anyway (I had naively not realised how fucked up it would be).

I retrained in an entirely different career at about your age - did a full-time Masters with a 3 yr old and 1 yr old, then took an entry level position in my new sector on half the salary I was on pre-kids, working full time.

I wouldn’t have had that luxury - of full time study and time to build a new career with full time childcare paid for and a lovely home and lifestyle - without a high earning and supportive older DH.

I was in a senior leadership role in my ‘new’ sector by 40 and at almost 50 I consult on a freelance basis as an expert in my field, working only when I want or need to, no more than 2 days per week.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and take control. Ahd don’t have any more kids!

There’s a lot to unpack here, OP - but the red flag to me is ‘it’s his money, so he’d have to agree.’ You are married, you’ve agreed between yourselves that you will not have a job, so the money belongs to both of you. Does he control the household spending?

if you don’t want to work full time, you are more restricted in terms of the career ladder. Yes, you can do something, but if you’re planning to start your first full time job in ten years, aged late 30s (?), it’s unlikely you’ll be able to achieve the level of success/ seniority that it sounds like you’re hoping for - especially if you are after a challenging career like law/ finance.

There is nothing remotely selfish about wanting to pursue a career. Your motivations don’t have to be strictly financial. Please don’t fall into the trap of believing that men’s careers are essential and women’s are optional. That is a strong societal message which has kept many women from achieving success and has helped reinforce inequality.

I don’t have much knowledge of careers in law or finance, but I’m sure there are ways to work in these fields that are compatible with family life. That would be worth investigating IMO.

Two more things:

1.Its not your husbands money if you’re married. It’s your money, too. You shouldn’t have to ask him if it’s ok if you go back to work and you pay for childcare as a couple.

2.You won’t walk into a well paid career job at 40 with 15 years out of the workplace by doing a bit of training and work experience.

Do you actually love him?
If you dont then it would be best to let him go.
I dont think the age gap is really that relevant - it sounds like you may have grown apart.

Stop wasting time on pointless regrets.

Stop comparing your reality with a fictional alternative path. You have no idea what your life would have turned out like if you hadn't gotten married.

Make the most of your (really quite privileged) life now. You have youth, health, education and financial security. You have many, many options.

Find some professional career advice. There may be a "women in business" network so some other service that you can tap into.

You have loads of time to build a successful, rewarding career and you won't have to take any time out for maternity leave - bonus!

Many marriages suffer under the pressure of small children and work, very few retain a "spark" forever, its possible yours is just going through a rough patch, or you have disengaged because you have FOMO. Consider having an honest talk with your H, and/or relationship counselling. Making an effort is less disruptive and less bleak than just resigning yourself to a loveless marriage for decades.

Good luck.

I can, however, complete a degree or professional training course so that I’m in a position to get started once I am able to work full time or near enough full time hours
When will that be? It's hard to start from scratch with almost no work experience at 40.

"There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap."

Bullshit

??????

And sorry to point out something obvious but even if you do a degree, you won’t be earning big bucks until you have qualified and have some experience

I think it’s really important not to fall into the ‘what might have been’ rabbit hole. Those Big 4 firms are fiendishly competitive and you may have ended up with a very different career path than you imagine. Focus on the here and now.

I will say that someone I know did a similar thing to you and married a man 18 years older than her - she was 22 and he was 40. Like you, she did love him at first but that gap became bigger and bigger as the years went by. When he was 60 she was 42 - she went back to work after children, wanted to socialise and have fun and he had just retired. At 50, he was 68 and they were just in such different life stages they made each other really unhappy. That age gap isn’t going to get smaller.

You have a great opportunity to improve your career prospects now and to pick up some part time work to improve your experience and cv. And I’d set myself a deadline - by the time all 3 are in primary, I will sort after school care and invest in myself. Just because he is no longer your husband, doesn’t mean he will stop being a good dad and still in your children’s lives.

Consider other paths that would have flexibility while your children are young, and will give you valuable experience and something on your CV when you have the capacity to be fully focused on your career. Absolutely SAHM’s can return to FT work, the challenge here is you have 1 year work experience, even if you retrain you’ll be starting at the bottom again, competing against recent graduates with no ties.

How about something like accountancy within the civil service? Pay is not great but you’ll gain experience, there’s often chances to complete funded qualifications. You’ll have flexi time or could do PT or compressed hours. When you’ve some experience under your belt can look at a move back into private sector and better paid roles? Would also get you out of the house and meeting new people, not just those in the affluent bubble your husband is in.

In the end we all die, and getting to 70 years old doesn't take long because we are busy doing other things while the time passes!

Similar ages to me and my DH now. We met at work, and have 3 DC together. But, we're not well off like the OP, nor have I never owned my own place or had a career of my own before being a mum .

But I can totally understand OP how you might feel unfulfilled if you'd never done these things, and it is now a desire but different and difficult I think PP are right, you need to be honest with yourself and how you want the next 40 years to look like.

Be ok with the SAHM life but also find time to grow, invest in yourself, go back to work, get a part time job or volunteer.

Then after that, decide if you want to go it alone. Do what makes you happy. Life is too short not to.

Look at the positives. You've produced 3 children. With relative ease. You're not too old to get back into the job market. When you do you'll feel more complete. And you can reevaluate your marriage and decide whether it's working for you. Or not.

I think the poster was implying that there is quite a significant power imbalance.

sorry Op, but the more you describe your husband, the more obvious it becomes why he chose a much younger woman. He’s dictating how you spend money, keeping you reliant on him, has convinced you that it would be selfish to have a nanny so you can work, is hands off with the kids but apparently indispensable…. A more experienced woman would not have accepted any of this.

this is not me criticising you - you were very young at the time, and lots of inexperienced women would have made the same choice. Now, though, is the time to look at your life with less naivety and more practicality.

I can promise that this situation will not improve itself with time. In ten years, you will be a less attractive prospect to employers, less confident professionally, and your husband will be even more accustomed to you being at home.

get a job, get a nanny, get a pension, get access to all his earnings.

I think you have to decide if the issue is definatly your husband and that you aren’t just unfulfilled. It’s tricky having 3 kids under 6 and pretty consuming. I would not write your marriage off without at least trying first. My marriage goes through dryish spells but we spend a bit of time and effort and then things get back to great.
We have to work at it now and again but I think a lot of couples do.
My husband is older but not as a big a gap. I think when we focus on the kids so much we sometimes neglect our relationship which needs nurturing sometimes.
I would try to have some time one on one and see if you can make yourself fancy him again! Weekends away can work wonders!

Ideally I’d like to be a stay at home mum until all the children are in primary school. And then look at some kind of training or working reduced hours, 4 days a week or something. Something fairly flexible.

Happy to be back to full time once the kids are all teenagers.

I’d love to start a masters, a degree or some kind of professional academic training now. I just don’t know what works with the path that I’d like.

You are aware yourself, you are in a relatively privileged position, but want to achieve more. You are also still very young so have lots of time to try something again, or something new. I'm basically in my third career now in my early 40's, 4 years into this one. All my knowledge and experience from past careers, and parenting, are relevant to what I am doing now.

I think it isn't uncommon for people with young kids to lose some or all of the 'spark'. Particularly when he is very busy. It may be unrecoverable, it may be a phase. Hopefully you don't get to the stage of being really unhappy and can help feel fulfilled in other areas of your life.

Its also normal to want a bit more from life than parenting. You can enjoy that part but still want to achieve more in other areas. And ensure not just your children, but also you are set up well financially for the future.

Not having a pension when your DH is a very high earner is concerning, and not tax efficient (you can pay in £3,600 per year into a pension each year as a non tax payer, and the government pay 20% of it, so just costs you £240 per month). Its not a lot for very high earners, but gives you something that can compound over time.

There is another thread, from yesterday I think, which has some relevant comments on for you. The OP was looking for ideas of family friendly careers, with a similar interest type (finance or law) to yourself, so there was plenty of advice given that you might find helpful.

Post title is: To think that there are no well paid family friendly careers?

Best of luck!

I think a lot of what you describe is just becoming a Mum. I married a man more or less the same age, and I had a great career but after kids I’ve lost myself. He’s flown at work and my life is Bing, nappies, nap times and now school shit. I think that’s part and parcel of being a stay at home Mum, regardless of an age gap and power imbalance.

Whilst you say you didn’t marry for money, holidays in the Maldives in your early twenties must have been lovely and I’m sure your friends were green with envy.

I think you're mourning the young-adulthood you lost. Did your family try to dissuade you from marrying him? I would be devastated if my 22 year old wanted to marry a 38 year old. I think it was a mistake and you're feeling it now.

Having said that, you can't get that time back. You're a mum to three now and it sounds like you have a lot going for you there in that you love that part of your life and your husband is providing for you and the kids and giving you all a stable life. I would try to see if you can make it work with him. Connect with what you have in common and work at the marriage I mean. You'll be able to go back to work at some point. Children grow up fast and you're very young still. Once you've built yourself back up you can see how you feel.

Put a plan in place for your own self esteem. A 5 yr plan where your kids have some after school support from a nanny and you get to re-integrate into the workforce, either in the industry you were already in, or an adjacent one. As soon as you have a job and are earning you'll feel more connected to that world, more independent and less inward looking / comparing to others.

If you divorce this man now after 3 children, you will get far more money in spousal and child support than experienced twenty somethings and thirty somethings working for big companies in canary wharf.

I think you knew this before you married him though. You were set for life with a ring and child.

I'd start divorce proceedings, far easier than being back to the level of a 22yr old intern graduate again, if a company gives you a chance...

Ugh, this could have been me

When I was in my 20s I dated a man in his early 40s, also someone I worked with who was much more senior than me. At the time, I thought that I loved him (I think I was easily impressed by his ‘wisdom’, knowledge and experience), but looking back, now that I’m nearly 40, I can see how controlling he was, how he love bombed me, and how he completely took advantage of my lack of experience. I’m now with someone my own age, and being in an equal relationship is so different from this.

I saw him recently and I can’t tell you how relieved I am that we didn’t stay together. He’s now in his late 50s and looks like an old man.

Do you still love him?