AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

There’s no way I can work truly full time at the moment though - I don’t want to use a nanny and DH’s role isn’t flexible.

Say it as it is, you don’t WANT to work full time. Probably not part time either.
Your life is too comfortable as it is now.
Except that you actually are miserable. So not a good life in the end.

If you do a law degree you will still need a lot of childcare and a lot of time away from children but without the reward of an income but it does have long term advantages especially with a background of accountancy. You could end up with a very specialist niche aka highly paid role with that combination.

Make a plan and implement it. If you are unhappy in the day to day your children and your marriage will feel the effects of that.

From my own much longer life which admittedly has made me a tad cynical but men like your DH who are essentially drawn to their purpose and self worth on the basis of their career, they do not invest in fixing a marriage with an unhappy wife, they tend to check out, so it is so important for everything you want in your life that you create a happy and fulfilling life for yourself.

Thank you.

I don’t think it’s possible as the careers that I was interested in require complete dedication, long hours and there’s no way that I’d be picked over recent graduates who can give a job their all. I’m not in a position now to be able to dedicate my life to a job when I have three small children.

I think you're a mum who is devoted to her kids, and that is amazing. Stop comparing yourself to what you thought you would be, to the ideals you had in your twenties, and to the people around you. Start seeing what you have: three great kids, a financially stable and kind partner, and wealth such that you do not have to work. Appreciate that for a while instead of feeling 'robbed' or unfulfilled. You can never have a good relationship with your DH while you are essentially blaming him for your current (very enviable) life - a life you chose and every day contribute to!

I don’t entirely agree with this quote, @Agegapwoes. It is right about the past, but what it doesn’t say is that you have the power to change the present and the future. You mention studying the law - that would be an amazing challenge - hard work but very rewarding. And law is not the only option, by a long stretch - you could study all sorts of things, learn new skills, volunteer on charity boards.

I think they key may well be to stop regretting your past decisions - you can’t change them so you have to accept that you made the choices you did for the best reasons and with the information you had at the time. What matters is now - the decisions you make and the things you do going forward. You are young and intelligent and you have the resources to do something challenging and fulfilling - so you need to start exploring different options and see which one piques your interest most.

It's never fair to stay for the kids. Would they really care that much when he's very hands off and how the fuck can he be great with them when he's hands off and never there? 🙄

Wow this is great. Can I ask what you do?

OP.

It could be that with 3 children under six that you would feel down, unfulfilled, unconnected to your partner. - whoever your partner is and whatever your age or circumstances.

Have you thought about having some coaching or counselling. It will get easier and you can work at reconnecting with your husband.

He’s at work all day but they see him most evenings and most mornings. Also all weekend.
They are so excited to see him when he comes home from work.

This is exactly what I mean above.

You studying accountancy part time is perfectly compatible with parenting. He should not be able to demand that “ a parent” aka YOU is around 24 hours/day. You are entitled to build a life for yourself. Nothing has stopped him has it! He will be worried that he’s going to lose his cushty life with a wife at home facilitating his career and “family man” image. So of course he’s going to try put you off. That’s why you really need to think about what YOU want and what your values are.

Also why do you have huge expenses? How much of that is an excuse or lifestyle choice (his I assume)

Law is extremely competitive and over subscribed. Employers may question if you have a true passion/commitment for it if you have not pursued it until later in life.

Yes, it’s one of the things that we disagree on.

We have expensive cars, expensive holidays a huge mortgage and the big bills that come with it. I’d rather have a more modest lifestyle and smaller outgoings.

Corporate law is a good choice after accountancy. (Fellow accountant here). It would give you a way of explaining your career story, and being specialised would likely give some protection to your long term future career. Bonus if his contacts can help you land a good role once the children are 16.

People will say you can work when the children are school age, but realistically the UK is not set up for that. Unless you hire a nanny, you’ll need to be available for drop off and pick up, so will have about 20 hours per week. It’s perfect if your husband can feed you bits of work which you can do on a very part time self employed basis while you do your legal training. Then into secondary school, it’s still intense for children both during the initial transition and also for the exam year and the year before; so lots of handholding will likely be needed, again meaning that part time (say 30 hours per week) would be optimal without needing a nanny.

Wishing you the best…I think you’re very sensible not to divorce, and to also plan your future so that you can have some independence.

I think you are getting an unnecessarily harsh time here from some posters who for some reason want to paint you as a gold digger. Ignore them. You are not the only very young woman who was swept off her feet when too young to fully know what she needed. Of course a 22 year old almost straight out of uni would be caught up in what he seemed to be offering - which was not just money - and fancied yourself in love and having struck lucky. What is of real concern is that he may have known what he was doing and seems to have trapped you in a gilded cage - but it is a cage nonetheless.

You have so much life ahead of you. If, for whatever reason, you decide you cannot leave him, or at least for now (and frankly plenty of people staying in less than ideal relationships for their children’s stability) you should still be trying to maximise your life. If you do not gain any real happiness or satisfaction from your relationship, you do need to carve out a life for yourself.

You say you couldn’t go back into finance, I am not sure why you think that, but presumably you have education and skills developed from when you did do that work. So why not find another career that interests you and use this time to train part time? An interesting career is very fulfilling. You can’t realistically afford to wait another 10 years and expect to gain a role without any additional work experience or qualifications.

And in the meantime, you need to make your husband pay into a pension for you. And hopefully he is already paying NI contributions? That’s what any sensible SAHM would insist on.

Again, think about who is telling you this.

The world of work has changed. Many many careers now have part time tracks. Surgeons can extend their training to allow working 3days/week. There are plenty of careers you could do part time, accounting being one of the really most straightforward ones.

You say you were naive then, due to being misinformed, but you are showing the same naivity now.

If you think you whizz into a law career, studying, and then getting a firm happy to you, PT, to fit around your children, when these posts are super competitive and you'll be competing with young free graduates, you are deluding yourself.

Either prepare yourself to give it a 100%, or accept your fate as a rich unhappy wife, or a single financially limited mum.

Getting back into a career after years of being a sahm, with limited experience before is not impossible, but is going to require you to accept some sacrifices. Employers won't fit around you because you're not happy with your current life.

Yes but the medicine degree couldn’t be done part time. Nor could the F1 and F2 years.

I did just over a year in a big 4 firm (Covid, furlough etc). It’s not enough experience to utilise when returning to work 10 years later.

Sounds like it’s all on his terms.
A gilded cage was mentioned above - he’s put both of you in it. Even he is trapping himself with all of the above requiring pressured work.

How does that fit your life goals and values? He is making a statement that cars, holidays, private school etc is important to him. Perhaps that opens up conversations between you about how compatible or not you are.

Sorry, but I’ve not said that I expect employers to work around me. In fact, I’ve said the opposite. That returning to work right now isn’t an option for me as I can’t do what employers would expect.

I can, however, complete a degree or professional training course so that I’m in a position to get started once I am able to work full time or near enough full time hours.

I think the holidays attracted her and the youth of the girl attracted him.

With 3 children, the exotic hols have gone and she's no longer the chick she used to be.

At least he's still got pots of money. Imagine life stuck together if you were poor???

I'm afraid you made your bed.... And remember, there were no guarantees you would have experienced his level of success. You were in truth barely out of the starting blocks :)

If he's super rich, hire a norland nanny at 70k per year... And give life a go. But you'll have to convince him to pay. Again.

People will say you can work when the children are school age, but realistically the UK is not set up for that
Of course it is! Most career women do have children, often young ones as they likely had them later in life. They are 100s of nurseries, after-school clubs, nannies, all fulfilling the role of supporting FT working mums.

Two of my closest friends had great careers with 4 children each. Both had career husbands too. They relied on childcare and nannies.

I’d rather us have less pressure and smaller outgoings. We’ve discussed it before and it’s just not something that we agree on. He says he’s worked hard so that he can have all of these things.

I mean this kindly but stop wallowing in self-pity and do something about your situation- divorce is horrendous but if that’s what’s needed then prepare for it. Go back to work and start low and work your way up or retrain. There are plenty of ‘return back to work schemes’ you’d qualify for (Citibank do one for example) and strengthen yourself financially. Don’t waste anymore time than is necessary in this dead relationship. I speak as someone currently going through a horrendous divorce- be prepared for him to turn nasty.

I'm in law and although I have a law degree from my 20s I did the SQE recently as my degree was so old and I knew I wouldn't pass the solicitor exams without it.

There were others that did the path I did as a retraining one so if you have a degree in any subject you can do SQE1 & SQE2 and then you need 2 years qualifying work experience. If you're intelligent and were on the path to be an accountant before then I'd think you would be ok at doing this although the exams are very difficult (particularly SQE1).
I did (all part time) law essentials course for 6 ish months, then 6 month SQE1 prep course then sqe1 exams and then 6 months SQE2 prep course and then exams. As I said, I already had a law degree but others had no legal qualifications and passed (not a lot of them but some did). It's def doable to get those qualifications part time but then you'll need 2 years full time work experience in a law firm (or equivalent, so 4 years part time maybe).
Def try and retrain whilst the kids are young if you can and get yourself a career path.
Also you don't need to tell any potential employers about your family etc. If you're still in your 30s going for interviews etc then there's no need for them to know and they might assume you're just a recent graduate like others ... although I guess it depends on what your CV gaps are like!

You did though, even though you didn’t recognise it at the time. He turned your head with his flashy ways… And now you’re older and wiser you’ve realised there are no shared values that your marriage was built on.

Remember you don’t have to settle, it’s your life too.