AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

She didn’t though if you read her posts.

Thanks for all of the responses. They’ve been great.

I don’t think I want to split up with DH whilst the children are still young. Ultimately, we have a lovely life as it stands and I don’t want the children’s lives to be turned upside down just because our relationship has no passion. We get on well, it’s not unbearable. I think I’d rather see what the relationship is like once the children are a bit older.

I do want to concentrate on getting back onto the career ladder though. There’s no way I can work truly full time at the moment though - I don’t want to use a nanny and DH’s role isn’t flexible.

I’m going to figure out how I can get to where I’d like to be for when the children are older and don’t require as much time.

Does anybody have any experience of studying Law as a career changer? I could go back into accounting but I’d be starting right back at the bottom as I wasn’t there long enough to gain experience that will count for anything after being out of work for so long.

He’d always focused on his career which meant that his relationships always fizzled out.

Did you not wonder how such a nice eligible man was not already married at almost 40?

This is such a ridiculous thing to say. As if men are sat there on the shelf waiting to be selected by women and the ones who are left are duds? What about the men who get to 45 (gasp) and haven't met anyone they want to marry?

It's the kids is the issue isn't it. She could've spent longer progressing her career and put off having them. Then she's have had chance to see what happened in that situation and if it didn't work easily walk away

Was he in a fizzling out relationship stage with someone else when you met?

I am concerned that he was negative and difficult when you got pregnant.

I wonder if your relationship is fizzling out as well and he will be soon, if not already be seeing someone else?

Does he WFH much?

OP. You were, understandably, naive as a young women who was swept off her feet by a richer older man. You didn't know enough to protect your interests then.

You are older now and still naive. You seem confident he will stay with you. He likely will whilst the kids are still kids. But you cannot rely on this lasting past then. I am in my 50s and I sure as hell know SAHMs whose husband's waited till the kids left home and then left their wives. The husbands planned their leave many years in advance and had plenty of time to hide as much of their assets as possible. Because universal amongst these man when they want to divorce, is the belief that the money is 'their' money and they resent the money they have already spent ' keeping' their wife and want to keep as much of ' their' money as possible. The husbands are also able to afford really good divorce solicitors. Are you?

You say you have no pension. This is not good.

You really need to look at securing your long term financial future. Ask him to pay into a pension for you. Ask for details of how retirement savings and pension. Make sure all assets are in joint name and you know about them. Do you manage the finances? Do you know where the money goes? Because you need to. The only SAHM I know who got a good divorce settlement was the one who had done the finances for the family all those years so she knew exactly where everything was when the divorce came.

You need to get a handle of the family finances and you need to get a job to secure your future financially.

You’d be starting at the bottom in law too, but you would be even less qualified.

Accounting is something you can do from home. Can you build on that?

Or take a sidestep and qualify as an IFA?

I was in your situation (but worse… much worse) and my biggest question here is: if the relationship took a dive on the first child, why did you go on to have two more?

You just made your life way harder than it had to be, but age didn’t really play a part by then if your first child was at 25.

I personally would divorce, but that’s because I firmly believe nothing, nothing is worse than being stuck in a bad relationship. I was single for a long time afterwards and my current partner is a dream by comparison. I look at old men now with borderline disgust at the thought of having a relationship with them.

In a year or two, when all kids are in school, reinvent your career. You can do it.

You might be surprised how supportive your husband is of you enjoying life after staying at home.

You possibly could afford a regular child minder. You might end up putting a deposit on a holiday house.
Your problem is your lack of drive not your DH.

Could you pay for some good quality career coaching? It will help to to explore what is most important to you and the practically of completely retraining away from accounting.
(By the way, I suspect starting from scratch with law isnt going to be an easier option for family friendly)

No, he’d been single for a few months when we began talking.

He wasn’t deliberately difficult when I got pregnant, I think the shine of the new, exciting relationship has just started to fizzle. Really, this is where the relationship should have ended.

I don’t think he would cheat on me. He’s so stressed regarding work and barely having enough hours to fit it all in… I don’t know where he would find the time.

He rarely works from home.

What do you mean, “he wouldn’t be OK” with this? It isn’t his decision. He can’t forbid you to develop your own career. You have agency here. And you probably have the financial resources to hire a nanny to cover school pickups if you’re so inclined.

In an ideal world, what sort of career would you envision having? It may not be as impossible as you think.

Because our relationship isn’t bad, there is just no spark anymore. And I wanted my child to have a sibling.

So what happened with having the other two? Did he step up or did you hope he would? Does he work so many hours because he feels pressured as the only earner?

Does anybody have any experience of studying Law as a career changer?

I have quite a lot of experience of studying law as a primary career (not in the UK btw).
Is your goal to actually practise law? If yes: that’s a fairly drawn out and intense process in the vast majority of countries.

You will be starting at the very bottom of the career ladder (obviously) and internships and clerkships usually aren’t PT (at least not where I’m at).

I personally would try to build on your already existing qualifications. Unless you decide that you are truly passionate about an entirely different kind of career, obviously.

I do want to concentrate on getting back onto the career ladder though. good. There’s nothing wrong with starting out PT.

I wouldn't rush straight to divorce, it sounds like you are discontent with your life in general.

You have a degree and experience in finance, why don't you look at doing a chartered accountancy qualification, ACCA or CIMA, you can certainly afford it and it will give you a better chance at a career if you do decide to leave your husband. You can do wither of these courses online and have a choice of evening/weekday/weekend with a tuition provider like Kaplan.

We rarely see each other due to his role.

So the kids rarely see him as it is now. They might get to see him more if you divorce.

He would say that our children need a parent around - and that it can’t be him as it’s his salary that ultimately pays our huge expenses. And I do sort of agree… we don’t need the money so it’s a bit selfish if I hand the kids over a nanny purely for my own benefit.

I wanted to work in finance. Corporate law was always another thing I was interested in. Basically something quite corporate, office based, something to use my brain.

Why isn’t it an option ?
Don’t just accept your first answer. ThinK deeply about where that answer comes from. Who has expressed those views over the years.

Your OP says “I wasn’t groomed but….” And the lists a whole relationship based on imbalance of power & meets most people’s definition of grooming for sure.

Regret is a horrible emotion, I suffer from it a lot. It makes you only think of the negatives of your current situation and only the positives if the life that "could have been". For example, I bitterly regret not having my children in my 20s like you did, and I also bitterly regret not having 3 children (secondary infertility due to age meant I couldn't fit a 3rd in), yet you have done, and have, all the things I wish for but you're unhappy. You could have married someone younger, but then you probably would have waited to have children and might have suffered with infertility issues.

You made the right decision for you at the time - it was not a bad decision - you loved your DH and had fun times with him, it's a no brainer that you chose to settle down with. You actually made all the correct decisions at the time.

But you're not happy now, so you need to stop regretting prior decisions - you made good decisions, that's not the issue here. All you need to focus on is addressing your unhappiness. Talk to your DH first, and be honest with him, tell him your unhappy, it's not working for you any more, let him say whether he's unhappy, don't guess, and then make a decision from there. You may need to split up, or maybe you'll realise you can make it work. If you split up you may be able to work something out where you live nearby so the kids see both of you every day.

And I would definitely go back to work - make it work somehow, I would put them into before/after school care at least some days - I did with my kids, they loved it, and I didn't feel like I was missing out on their childhood. I think regret can sometimes develop from a mind that is not being stimulated enough. You sound bored and lonely, and you're unhappiness sounds like it's partly coming from a lack of career. I very successfully completely changed career at aged 50, and you are much younger than that - you can start doing courses now while the kids are still young, then get into your new career once they're all at school.

It sounds like one day you’ll be splitting up so definitely focus on your career. I didn’t actually start applying for promotions till my first was born (I was 31) and the shock of the cost of children hit me. In 5 years I went from £24k to £82k salary then onto 6 figures before they were 10. I studied to get professional qualifications on a Sunday morning every week for 4 years. We did have family support to be fair but haven’t needed any since Covid as I’ve mostly worked from home and the kids are fine 3-5 in the house (they also walk to school and back themselves now).
Wishing you luck. X

He means well, but I do all of the parenting as he works so much. He does help out when he’s home though, he doesn’t expect me to do it all when he’s there too.
We had the other two as we wanted children to grow up together.

Yes. He always says it’s important that his children have savings, can afford to go to good schools etc. Plus our bills are high and he’s the sole earner.

@Agegapwoes My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together.

The grass isn't greener on the other side.

If you had married one of these men, you most likely would have found that they did not achieve together with you. And you also likely would have found that you did not achieve to the same extent as your husband.

Because obviously, the overwhelming majority of people don't get much past the median salary... because if they did, then that wouldn't be the median... ...

They will be gutted when they grow up and realise they have an unhealthy view of loving relationships and that you didnt leave “because of them”. You’ve already realised you made a mistake in your 20’s. Open your eyes, go for counselling and dont make another one. Consider that maybe you are still walking around with those rose tinted glasses half on.