AIBU to regret settling down young with an older husband?

[Agegapwoes]

Sorry, I’m not even sure what I’m asking.

I met my DH when I was 22 and he was 38. I had a fantastic first job straight out of uni in finance, and DH was much, much, much more senior in the company I worked for. I had not long broken up with my university boyfriend and he’d be very flirty with me at work. There was definitely no ‘grooming’ going on, everything was reciprocated.

He’s a very high earner and took us on some amazing holidays - we went to the Maldives, New York and the Caribbean all within a year of meeting. Lots of weekends away etc. I thought he was perfect and everything you could ever want in a partner. Which I suppose he was when compared to boys my own age!

I got pregnant at 25 and left work to become a stay at home mum.

The children are primary aged now. Our relationship never recovered after the birth of our first baby. It had already started to sour prior to the pregnancy, but the birth of our first was the thing that really made me realise that we are not right for each other. He’s a great Dad, very hands off but is great with them. We have a nice life, a nice house in a nice part of London. We rarely see each other due to his role. I don’t feel attracted to him anymore.

I definitely feel that now I’m older, we have much less in common than we did when I was younger (not sure how that works). We have different values and just very different personalities.

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I’m incredibly busy with three children under the age of 6. I’m no longer on the amazing career trajectory that I was on, and I’ll never get back to it now as I can’t possibly work the hours that I would be required to.

My friends are all marrying nice, successful men that are our age and I’m so jealous. They get to grow and achieve together. Where as in my relationship, DH had already ‘grew and achieved’ and I’ve not really achieved anything. DH already owned a house when we met so I’ve never had the experience of saving up and buying a house with a partner. Our salaries were obviously vastly different, so I’ve never felt equal financially. There is a slight power imbalance due to the age gap. I’ve missed out on holidays and experiences with friends and I’ve grew apart from most of my old friends.

So yeah… I have no idea what I’m asking, I’m just ranting. I can’t complain as I do have a nice life. I just wish I’d had my 20s to have fun and then settled down with someone my own age. I have three beautiful children who I wouldn’t change for the world but gosh I wish things were slightly different.

If you already feel you've grown apart from your much older husband, that feeling is only going to continue and probably turn to resentment (I hear some resentment already in what you've said in your original post). That's not going to be something you can live with and your children will suffer as a result. Not seeing their dad every day is something you've assumed will be 'gutting' for your 3 quite small children - I'll say here and now that it will be a much greater emotion for them if they're older when you break up with your DH (which IS inevitable).

Your negative feelings will grow and continue to deteriorate. Give some serious thought to how you can most minimise the impact on your children.

If he earns that much and is home every day, why can’t you get back on the career ladder?

He doesn’t get to dictate that - he doesn’t own you.

Why can’t you go back to your previous career? What was it?

It is appalling that he hasn’t been paying into your pension while you’ve been a SAHP.

She could also rise through the ranks as quickly as she wants once the children are older - since there's no longer the worry of childcare/holidays/school pick-ups etc.

I think divorce is throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Life with young children is a grind. But they will get older and you will have your freedom years while you are young enough to enjoy them.

You have a nice life. Only you can enrich it by working out how you can start to build your independence.

If you want a career of any kind, not just the stellar 6 figure type, you're going to have to put it first to some extent. Which will involve a big chunk of paid childcare, a degree of stress, juggling things etc. and most importantly asserting yourself within your marriage as an equal partner with a right to your own life, career or other type of contribution, and free time on an equal basis with your husband. If your husband is not willing to accept that then that's a massive problem.
You've avoided all of that working mum stress so far. All you've had to do is be a mother and a wife in a wealthy household, not easy with 3 kids, but a lot easier than being a breadwinner at the same time or struggling with money as a SAHM in a normal household.
You could just sit it out and wait for your friends to reach the same stage of marital / kids groundhog day which all involved parents go though to some extent. And you'll likely be a wealthy widow in due course too. This life that you've got right now might be your best option.

Your talent and potential hasn’t gone away because you married an older man and have had a young family.

Use the fact your are comfortable to study or pursue something you are interested in. Many a woman has gone on to have a successful second career after having children. Often they are the driver. Won’t be the same career choice as when you were young free and single. But you are affluent and that brings choices and options.

No guarantee you will meet ‘the one’ if you end your marriage and actually pursuing an interest may lead you to like minded people. Relationships can change when you have a family quickly. However old you both are.

Just adapt to this change and pursue something (other than your children) that brings you joy.

You’re actually in a great position to experiment and find a fulfilling career now - better than so many single parents. Presumably you’ve got enough money to fund qualifications, cover some childcare if needed and not choose the job based purely on needing X amount of cash to survive. I would set yourself up in a career before divorcing as after that it might more be tricky with the finances and juggling.

He can’t really just ‘not be okay’ about you developing yourself - if you’re really not ‘allowed’ to make choices this needs to be explored in therapy somehow.

One thing though, I’m thinking saving up desperately to buy a first home in today’s climate might not be quite the larks you think it is - most people would be very happy to already have the London house

With 3 DC under 6, you're in the thick of parenting drudgery especially if you're mainly doing it by yourself because your DH is working long hours. I definitely resented my DH when my DC were at the baby/preschooler stage and I only have 2 DC and we don't have an age gap. I remeber literally throwing a child into DH's arms as soon as he walked in through the door due to exhaustion. (He was tired too after a 12/14 hr working day). It was hard & exhausting which was a main factor behind returning to work FT for me as soon as the youngest hit school age. One of my work colleagues confessed that with 3 DC, he came to work to escape the domestic chaos! You're in your early 30's and your peers probably haven't even hit the having DC stage so are living their best lives child free. The grass is not always greener!
You need to plan more regular childcare to be able to have some child free time for yourself and to attempt to reconnect with your DH. Marriage is not all sunshine and roses. We are now mid/late 50's with youngest DC about to fly the nest and this is the first year that we've taken a proper holiday without them!

I'm sorry OP, having read this I feel I must go against the grain here. Harsh as it sounds I don't agree anything you have stated in your post is a reason to break-up your family. You mentioned your DH can be grumpy. This happens within all age groups, especially when it involves a heavy workload, children and the responsibilities of family life. A 16 years age gap sounds a lot but in reality he could end up fitter than you as you get older. Nobody knows what's in front of them regarding health & fitness

Have you stopped to consider the various scenarios which could come your way after your marriage ends. I can envisage, losing your home & looking after 3 very upset children alone. Having very little money other than child maintenance. Meeting a man you fall in love with who turns out to be abusive.

If your DH is a controlling bully or anything else which could be a serious & legitimate reason for your potential actions that's a different story. As it is I think you should communicate with your DH, tell him exactly how you feel & find some interests outwith the home. If he doesn't fight for you he may indeed feel the same & suggest it would be better to part. Again that's another story. Sometimes we just need to realise where our bread is buttered & stop taking everything in what is basically a privileged life for granted. I wish you well.

I'm a man in a totally different situation, but I've been given ideas you might use.
Ignoring regrets (you can't change your past) and focusing on the future.

I'm told a fulfilling life needs two things. Purpose, and structure. Being a SAHM can undermine both: purpose - raising 3 children- may not be what is valued around you or what you had in mind; structure can be questioned by young ones who wake at night etc.
From that angle... the question is how do you return purpose to your life? Maybe it involves rediscovering a career, or maybe learning to say f* off to the "best friends" who don't value what you do, maybe all sorts in between. Plenty to ponder... and how do you maintain structure? You probably keep the ship steady for your kids, but a structure for you?
Wishing you all the best.

When my mum was around your age she went back to Uni. She had three kids, one at nursery. She did four year teacher training and became a primary teacher. My aunt was similar, went to uni in her 30s and became a social worker. My uncle did a degree in his 40s and went from shop floor manufacturing to Uni lecturer.

you have time and money to pick a subject and go back to school. Even if you did a job that was rewarding but lower paid, you have a wealthy husband and presumably even if you divorced you would be fine. You might find the spark again when you have your own purpose.

Whatever happens, you need something new and challenging for you!

Is this thread just for venting @Agegapwoes or are you genuinely open to solutions to change your current situations. People have given a decent amount of suggestions that will really be useful for you if you can shift your mindset towards solutions. Honestly from your privileged position there are quite of variety of things you can do to improve your situation.

I think you feel far more trapped than your current situation allows.

It’s perfectly fine to choose raising children as your purpose. The issue in this case is that if she and her DH aren’t that compatible, and the relationship falls apart, she’s in a vulnerable position financially if she has no career.

Technically, as she’s never worked she would be due maintenance which is quite unusual these days, but she has no pension.

Grass isn’t always greener. Who’s to say you would have had fun in your 20s, then settled down with someone your age. 🤷🏻‍♀️. Maybe your career wouldn’t have taken off.

I do get what you’re saying. The age difference and ages we met is the same for you as for me and Dh. Yes now I’m 50 and he’s mid 60s I do feel we have less in common but we still get along fine. I’m not going to throw that away because I think I should have some much more romantic relationship with someone my age. Because life isn’t the movies.

I do think part of feeling you’ve lost yourself is having young kids. I agree with others it’s a shame you stopped working. Can you do anything to resolve that?

I went back to uni when dd was 4yo. Got a degree and then a professional job. Only worked part time until she was 16 and then took a leap into an adjacent field and have been rapidly promoted. Have a great career now.

Well yes. Of course this was going to affect at some point. I truly do not understand why young girls go with older man. Wait until you are 50 and he is an elderly. Or rather do not wait. 😂 I do not even like man my age now that I am older. For him it was fantastic to get a younger more naive girl to impress and all. I bet he did not question any of it when he decided to go for a younger girl. They basically steal all what you are realising now. Of course there are women who make a success of this but I am still to meet someone who is happy when they are really old.

You could work at this. Any relationship can go stale and drift regardless of age gap. Do you get a babysitter and have date nights, etc?

I think there are several red flags in what you have said. I am not sure I agree that you werent 'groomed' in some way shape or form. You were 22, he was 38 senior in a company. The power balance was off from age and work seniority. He 'holiday and money' bombed you at an age when you didnt have much, you may not have known he was doing this, but I would question whether he knew - why didnt he go for someone nearer his own age and status? Possibly because an older woman would have more life experience. You had children in close succession in age, therefore meaning you gave up your career and didnt need to focus on it, a sure fire way for a man to control. Some Men do use children to ensure that their wives stay with them. You say he is a great dad but not hands on. I dont see how you can be one without the other. I think people are much to quick to leave, divorce is very very hard, on everyone, and I would always advise couples to think very carefully whether things can be salvaged. Counselling, both for you and as a couple will really help. But I do think you need to do something constructive now as if you dont you may find destructive behaviours staring (affairs, arguing etc) which once started are difficult to pull back on.

Get a nanny! It's the obvious answer. Money isn't an issue from what you have said. Don't put your life on hold for another decade. Start studying for a new career and be thankful you don't have the financial pressures other mothers of 3 young children have.

Get a nanny. Go back to work. Schedule nights out, gym time etc.

Shift the balance in your relationship.

Get yourself back on a trajectory you’re excited about before you address the relationship issues. All couples with three young kids are in the doldrums to some extent. I wouldn’t dwell on that right now. The main issue is that you’re still early thirties and have plenty of years left to do something other than rear children. No point moping about beating yourself up. Make a plan!

And stop romanticising the same-age couples - start looking at the privileged position you are in having not had to strive to give yourself and your children a nice life, house etc.

Most people think what they have with their partner is perfect else they wouldn't marry.

Are you sure it's not just the fact you are at home with 3 young kids and his life is totally different the issue rather than an age thing

I wouldn’t want to work 9-5 (or longer) whilst the children are still young. As much as I’d love to get back to a proper career, I just wouldn’t want to use childcare this much especially as we don’t need the money. Also DH would be paying for it so he would have to agree
OP, you come across as naive, entitled and spoiled.

You want the perfect life that only a tiny minority of women ever get to enjoy. You are imagining how wonderful your life would have been otherwise, you see your current life as unfulfilling, you feel sorry for yourself.

A well paid career usually mean a FT demanding job, at least initially. You want independence yet don't want to work FT. You need to wake up that life is almost always a matter of compromises.

You either go for independence and a stimulating career, but accept to work FT and your children require childcare (no different to life for many career women and their children). Or you accept life as a sahm dependent on a man you are growing to despise.

Or you can keep dreaming of your perfect career, time for yourself and your children, and independence, but good luck with that one.

You can't turn back thr clock and relive your 20's but you can change the now. If you don't want to be with him anymore, by the sounds of it it is just lifestyle and children making you stay, leave and find someone age appropriate. A 16 year age gap is pretty big, he's pushing 50 and you are early 30's you are obviously at very different stages of life and by the sounds of it lack much in common. I'd look to return to work and then leave, no point in wasting your life with someone you don't want to be with.

I'm a huge believer in counselling/therapy OP. It sounds like you'd benefit from someone to talk through your regrets and to help shape a sense of purpose, help you decide what you want to plan for the future.

Fwiw my husband and I have no shared interests bar the kids. But we have mutual respect, love and respect, and that makes it work. Best of luck.

Well, you married for money. And that is what you have.

You didn't invest in yourself, or your skills, interests, hobbies, or personality. So you are left with what you haven't cultivated. You've made your bed. It's not his fault.

Did you not wonder how such a nice eligible man was not already married at almost 40?

I think it's very easy to think of the path not trodden as this wonderful existence that you missed out on. In reality any path you chose would have had challenges and it's entirely possible you would be objectively worse off if you had not married him. Lots of people aren't madly in love with their husbands and most of them are also poor! I don't say this to diminish your feelings, but genuinely to give some perspective.

Obviously you can choose to leave; you'll get a decent settlement I assume but clearly there would be compromises.

Would he attend couples therapy? Is there genuinely nothing left to fight for?