To have expected a bit more acknowledgment of the help I gave?

[Delftthunderclap]

Someone I know has a daughter finishing uni. Known her many years but more as the wife of my husband's mate than as a close friend....but friendly over the years. Barely know the daughter at all.

I used to teach the daughter's degree subject and have marked dissertations. Out of the blue the mum texts and asks if I would read and comment on her diss before submission. I said 'yes, of course'. Asked her if daughter wanted SPAG etc or just content; daughter popped up in same conversation and said 'both please'.

So I did my best and took about 1.5 hrs marking it properly, with comments and ideas, and sent it back saying she was welcome to take on board any or all or none of what I'd said. Also sent a couple of learning resources on the bits she hadn't done so far.

And I got an immediate bounce-back with one word: 'thanks'. She couldn't have read it at that point or even opened the file. And then - nothing at all from mum or daughter.

AIBU to have at least expected something a bit more sincere for the time and effort I spent? I was happy to do it but it strikes me as quite rude not to say something like 'thanks for taking the time to do this, the comments were helpful' or 'thanks, I submitted on time' or even 'I couldn't use most of your stuff but thanks for trying'...?

@Kerrylass that's very kind of you but reading that I'm not sure why you did it!

Years ago, when I was teaching a class of 6 - 8 year olds, there was a huge fall of snow which closed the roads all around our school. Parents were notified and collected their children - all except one mum who said she couldn't come out. On a normal day it would have been a 15 minute car ride from school to her house. I walked the poor girl all the way back to her mum. We were both frozen when we got there. Her mum opened the door, dragged the girl inside and slammed the door shut again. No offer of a hot drink. No thank you. I was absolutely gobsmacked.

Thank you to everyone who's commented here; it's been very interesting to hear people's experiences. Changing times....but many who still think a 'thank you' goes a long way so that's encouraging.
I am considering a pass-agg message....but was brought up that 'being polite' and not making waves beats all, so I'm not sure....

Very rude.

I would follow up with a message - 'just checking in how your daughter's dissertation went, hope she found my feedback helpful etc.'. it might be that she is planning to thank you with some flowers when she gets her result and sending a follow up message would hopefully be a nudge in this direction.....

I think a passive aggressive message is even ruder and will backfire.

She said thank you. She was probably full on working on the dissertation. You may well still get a further thank you if you need more.

A passive aggressive message to a teen is not going to land the way you think it will anyway and will just upset the parents. Likelihood is she didn't even want you to look at it and the mother was pushing it.

As a matter of curiosity if she had said "thank you so much" would that have been viewed as rude. Is it just the abrupt nature of the "thank you"?

Any passive aggressive message would be to the mum, not the daughter. She initiated the whole thing and my contact details are for her. I wouldn't have viewed 'thank you so much' as rude - why would I? (Genuine question). In fact if she had put that giving enough time to have actually looked at it, it probably would have been (barely) enough

She should have thanked you, but isn't it supposed to be the girl's own work? Seems a bit like cheating if you gave that much help on how to rewrite it. Other students will be marked on what they've produced on their own.

So "thanks" is rude but "thank you so much" isn't rude? Would "thank you" have been rude?

Its interesting. I would agree that just thanks comes across as a bit abrupt but tone is everything and in person a "thanks" could be delivered in a way that just doesn't come across in an email depending on tone and the look on someone's face.

I think you should leave it.

I think "thanks" is inadequate yes. Its dismissive and sounds like she cant be arsed and wants to use the least amount of words possible.

Its akin to me texting a friend and saying "I am so sorry I cant meet you tomorrow, I'm feeling really unwell" and them just replying "ok".

Most people would say "ok- I hope you feel better soon" etc

There is nothing inherently rude about "thanks" in itself but considering the amount of time the OP has put in, it comes across like she can barely be arsed.

I would send a message. It doesn't even need to be passive aggressive (at first!)

'Hi. Just wondering if the feedback I did for your daughter's dissertation was helpful?'

See what the mother's response is and then you can decide about pointing out the effort you made.

Also the girl said “ thanks” at the initial stage, before OP had done the work.
Surely more fulsome gratitude was required AFTER the OP had spent so much of her own time on it.

I have also had experience of this and get very narked, but only once went down the “ hope you found this helpful “ route. I did get a reply and guess what it said “ Yes it was helpful, thanks”

🧐

No, the OP took an hour and a half to look at it and sent it to the girl who said "thanks" in response.

Please don’t send a pass agg message, it’ll make you look even worse than them.

If it’s bothering you this much why not follow up with a hey, how did you get on with your submission? Hope you found the comments helpful, good luck! Etc and see if it prompts anything.

Ah I misunderstood...but I thought that the "thanks" came very quickly ie before the girl had had the chance to look at it

your understanding is correct.

Have you followed up yet?

You are right. The poster who corrected you hasn’t read the OP properly. The ‘thanks’ was immediate.

That’s not what it says in the OP. The ‘thanks’ was immediate.

Pair of cheeky cows

I wouldn't say 'hope it was helpful' because that's quite pointed. I'd maybe say 'do let me know how this went and if you were pleased with your mark though', which isn't pass-agg because it's a genuinely reasonable thing you might ask even if you had been fulsomely thanked at the time.

"hi, following up on the advice I sent your daughter as I didn't hear any feedback. Did she find it useful?"

It changed when students had to pay and no longer got grants.

What has OP got to gain by leaving it? Who does that help?

Calling out rudeness can only be a good thing surely? At the VERY LEAST for the OP to feel as if she isn't a total mug for being kind and helpful.

I would 100% have to send a message - but not a pass agg one. One that states why you are offended, so there is no ambiguity.

"yes it was" would probably be the rude reply which would infuriate most of us even more.

The woman sounds like a total CF and like every word costs her.