To have expected a bit more acknowledgment of the help I gave?

[Delftthunderclap]

Someone I know has a daughter finishing uni. Known her many years but more as the wife of my husband's mate than as a close friend....but friendly over the years. Barely know the daughter at all.

I used to teach the daughter's degree subject and have marked dissertations. Out of the blue the mum texts and asks if I would read and comment on her diss before submission. I said 'yes, of course'. Asked her if daughter wanted SPAG etc or just content; daughter popped up in same conversation and said 'both please'.

So I did my best and took about 1.5 hrs marking it properly, with comments and ideas, and sent it back saying she was welcome to take on board any or all or none of what I'd said. Also sent a couple of learning resources on the bits she hadn't done so far.

And I got an immediate bounce-back with one word: 'thanks'. She couldn't have read it at that point or even opened the file. And then - nothing at all from mum or daughter.

AIBU to have at least expected something a bit more sincere for the time and effort I spent? I was happy to do it but it strikes me as quite rude not to say something like 'thanks for taking the time to do this, the comments were helpful' or 'thanks, I submitted on time' or even 'I couldn't use most of your stuff but thanks for trying'...?

Me too.

“Asked a favour” but more than can you push the post through my letterbox whilst I’m away!

Deserves a bit more than “thanks”.

I get asked to do stuff like this for people all the time in my profession and for this exact reason my answer to anything that I know will take me more than a five minute signpost is “sorry, no” unless it’s for someone I’m very close to. I personally would not usually spend 1.5h doing something for someone I don’t know. People often simply do not understand (willingly or unwillingly) how long it takes to read and give feedback

Exactly this. So many people feel entitled to your time and skills, for free. Absolutely no.

Thanks so much, all, for your comments (I went to bed!)
I'm heartened to see quite a consensus. DH was all grumpy when I mentioned it and implied I was being needy and overthinking to feel a bit miffed about it, so I started to think I was unrealistic.
They're people I would have expected better of, so it feels a bit sad.

I would also follow up if she doesn't contact you herself and perhaps pointedly say that if she wants to progress in her career she should think about the importance of manners towards those helping her along the way. I'm willing to bet she treats her parents the same way.

I feel that this kind of routine politeness is disappearing. We regularly send gifts to younger family members and get no acknowledgment at all. This young woman probably didn't consider that your feedback took you time and she was very lucky to get it. Perhaps her mum didnt either. It's a bit sad.

YANBU. For something that took this long and required your concentration it should have been along the lines of:

On receipt "Thank you, I really appreciate your help, I'll go through your notes now"
Follow-up "I've now submitted my dissertation, thanks again taking the time to review it, your notes were really useful" as a minimum - personally I'd add something more specific highlighting an improvement I'd been able to make.

Even if the notes weren't much use to her, she can still describe them as 'useful' if only to reaffirm her confidence that not much needed changing from her point of view.

Oh this happens to my poor OH all the time.

He works with cars, although not strictly a mechanic, he can do that stuff. Everyone takes advantage. Rather than taking their car to a garage, they message him. People who can't be bothered to talk to us the rest of the time. 'heyyy, heard you know your way around a car, mate!"

Someone who lives near us told their girlfriend to call him the other day as she backed into another car. We don't even know her! He couldn't do the work as you need specific kit but he helped her out massively with advice and how to not get ripped off.

When she was next in the area she didn't even knock and say thank you. Neither did the guy who sent her our way.

I would personally have sent you a card and flowers/chocs. I do this without fail for people who have helped me out. The salesperson who helped us get our current house (new build) got some pink fizzy wine, a card and chocolates, even though she really didn't do much.

I hate lack of manners. Everyone is so entitled. I really despair. It does my head in.

I did something similar for someone I know as a friend of friends. Her DS wants to do the career I do and asked if I could also review something for them. I did it and sent back and didn’t even get a response at all! I saw her a few months later and they didn’t even mention it then! Some people are just ignorant.

Same. I never get thanked anymore for sending gifts to nieces and nephews. When I was young, our mother made us pick up the phone and call/thank any aunt etc who'd sent us a gift.

We had to write 'thank you' letters to anyone we wouldn't see in person - and it had to be a proper letter not just a 'thank you'. It sometimes felt like a chore finding enough to fill a page to say to elderly aunts we never saw, but looking back, I'm glad we did as I can now imagine the pleasure it would have brought them.

Yes op. It’s your dh who is definitely in the wrong. He’s put out bc it involves his friend’s family, It’s totally out of order for him to call you needy for expecting basic manners.

I don’t know what has got in to people nowadays but there seems to be a prevailing attitude that if you do something to help someone, then you must have wanted to do it, therefore no thanks are necessary!

And more than that, apparently it’s your fault for not having good boundaries if you didn’t actually want to do whatever it was, but went ahead and did it anyway, because you are being kind and didn’t want to disappoint anyone.

Unfortunately this viewpoint completely ignores any pressure or obligation you may feel under when asked to do something by a friend of your family. And how it is actually can feel quite uncomfortable having to say no once asked, depending on circumstances.

In summary, I totally disagree with the blithe assumption that “it’s always ok to ask for a favour as the person can always say no”. Yes they can say no but then they have to deal with disappointment from the person asking and from the mutual friend or family member. In other words, they have put you on the spot.

Sorry to wang on but this is a particular bugbear of mine. And poor manners. And unsupportive husbands.

Anyway, you can certainly get the message across that this young women should not be expecting any further help from you if she goes for a Masters.

It is very rude, and a cautionary tale - not to do favours for folks you don't have a close relationship with and where there is ongoing care, respect and consideration. I've also learned this the hard way. I now respect my own time a bit more, and am happier for it.

Same here. We had to write proper thank you letters.

I made my own daughters do the same.

My siblings and I have bought our nieces presents that they requested in the past and we still did not receive a thank you, a phone call or even a text. On some occasions it wasn’t even acknowledged whether the parcel had arrived or not.

I’m not sure they’d “get it”.
If they’re that entitled they would think your interest in them was absolutely justified 😀

Hopefully they are just a little late getting their Thank You card and bottle of wine to you OP.

I was just going to say the same

We hated having to ring nan,auntie such and such and a random friend of my mothers on christmas day,when wed rather have been playing with our toys

But I made my lot do the same when they where old enough (when they where tiny,id pass on a message via my mother)

I remember years ago I bought presents for an ex's children

I left them with him and im still waiting (over 13 years later) for a thank you

I saw him a few times afterwards and he never mentioned it

Bloody rude-i would have made mine ring or at least send a text (not ideal,I do admit) but its better than nothing

My own dgd is too young to thank anyone for anything but ds will message me to say thank you

It's basic manners

I would expect something like a John Lewis voucher or a plant as a thank you. From your friend possibly.

Try and think of a favour your friend could do you? Drive you somewhere like the airport?

Sweet revenge.

Is there any possibility that the daughter was bullied/nagged into this by her mother? I mean you don't know what conversation they were having that you weren't party to?

Gosh I'm really surprised it was a month ago as I assumed a voucher or similar was coming your way.

I've helped people prepare for interviews or rewritten their CVs and often been treated to a meal out or whatever after they've gotten the job. On reflection, I don't know if I've received anything if they haven't gotten the job. However there has been the odd CF who has contacted me out of the blue "hi, I met you through X, I'd like to apply for this job, can you rewrite my CV thanks" as if I'm some free public service. I

Has she received a grade yet? If not, that might be the catalyst.

Send them a bill @ £100 an hour.

I would put to your DH, that if you were a plumber and went to their house and fixed a leak for free, you’d expect more than ‘thanks’. It was 1.5hrs of your expert time that will impact on this girl’s career. The value of that is incredible. Clearly he doesn’t value your expertise. And then I would just move on and reject future approaches from people he knows unless they are paying.

I PAID someone to help my son with his GCSE English. When he passed he gave her a bunch of flowers to thank her. If you had done the same for my DD (though she would be mortified if I asked someone to do this) for sure you’d be getting a bottle of good wine or flowers!

Yes. We continue to send gifts in order to keep a sort of relationship but it's hard going. I don't expect a card, but a text or Facebook message with a photo would only take them a minute.

A fellow student of a dd did exactly the same degree as her dad, and basically submitted his dissertation as her own! This was in the 90s, so the dad probably wrote his in the 60s.

I would send them a text..

“dear mother and child. I do hope that the information that I gave you and the marking was helpful and I’d be very interested to know the result, because, as you know, I have degree level expertise in this subject and in marking dissertations . I spent nearly 2 hours on this so I hope it was of some used to you. Would you like me to send an invoice or were you thinking of sending mesome flowers and a bottle of wine?. Either is fine with me!“

You’d be making the point and as there are no connection with you, I really don’t see the harm.