To have expected a bit more acknowledgment of the help I gave?

[Delftthunderclap]

Someone I know has a daughter finishing uni. Known her many years but more as the wife of my husband's mate than as a close friend....but friendly over the years. Barely know the daughter at all.

I used to teach the daughter's degree subject and have marked dissertations. Out of the blue the mum texts and asks if I would read and comment on her diss before submission. I said 'yes, of course'. Asked her if daughter wanted SPAG etc or just content; daughter popped up in same conversation and said 'both please'.

So I did my best and took about 1.5 hrs marking it properly, with comments and ideas, and sent it back saying she was welcome to take on board any or all or none of what I'd said. Also sent a couple of learning resources on the bits she hadn't done so far.

And I got an immediate bounce-back with one word: 'thanks'. She couldn't have read it at that point or even opened the file. And then - nothing at all from mum or daughter.

AIBU to have at least expected something a bit more sincere for the time and effort I spent? I was happy to do it but it strikes me as quite rude not to say something like 'thanks for taking the time to do this, the comments were helpful' or 'thanks, I submitted on time' or even 'I couldn't use most of your stuff but thanks for trying'...?

I get asked to do stuff like this for people all the time in my profession and for this exact reason my answer to anything that I know will take me more than a five minute signpost is “sorry, no” unless it’s for someone I’m very close to. I personally would not usually spend 1.5h doing something for someone I don’t know. People often simply do not understand (willingly or unwillingly) how long it takes to read and give feedback. Did you find it interesting or rewarding, academically? What did you gain from doing it?

Most students do not have the privilege of having an expert look at their work and offer detailed feedback like you did, for free. That would seem obvious, but people can be unbelievably entitled. If an acknowledgment doesn’t materialise from other of them after the deadline, I would say that is appallingly rude (and immature). I would follow up to ask whether your input was helpful in any way, out of interest.

@Delftthunderclap Send her an invoice. And make it expensive.

Could you contact her asking her about the dissertation? Tell her that you spent over an hour going through the paper and that you haven't heard anything except 'Thanks'.

At least then she is aware how much time and effort you put into marking it. Might guilt her into actually acknowledging the favour you did.

The 'Thanks' response was thoughtless and rude but it may just be that they don't appreciate quite how much work is involved.

The response was not proportionate to the effort on your part or the fact that they don't really know you. So yes, rude.
But at least it was timely, an immediate thank you followed up with a proper response would have been acceptable to me.

You were used and they were insincere to you. Don’t help any further. Quite frankly they should have bought you a gift. ‘Thanks’ 🙄😬

I know someone whose entire degree was pretty much done by her aunty and sister. She’s thick as mince and didn’t write any of her own assignments. Another friend read and corrected/added to all her daughter’s assignments. I think it’s surprisingly common.

I have done this before for friend’s children and it is a thankless task. I think there’s very little appreciation of the time and skill required to read and give useful feedback. One friend’s daughter sent me the three drafts and was most put out when I refused to review it the third time. Another time, after I moved institutions, a former student got in touch and asked me to review the 5,000 word lit. review for her MSc. No thank you!

Yes, your friend and her DD were very rude. It doesn’t take 5 minutes to write, ‘Thank you so much for your comments. They were very useful and I’ve incorporated most of your feedback. It has made my dissertation much tighter and more focused’.

I did a similar favour for a friend’s son. Reviewed his applications for a job in my industry and did a mock interview for him. He eventually got the job. He told me immediately.
I got effusive thanks from him and his parents and he came over to bring me flowers. Mum insisted on buying me a drink when I next saw her. Would have been pissed off with a ‘thanks’ and no follow up.

She is rude and very ungrateful, as is her mother. You took the time to proof read and make suggestions about the content and spelling and grammar which will have improved her chances of getting a good mark.

Do you or your DH see them regularly?

Definitely rude . I wouldn't be able to leave it at that. I'd have to message again to say, just wondering how useful you found my comments?.Hope they helped.

At that point they'd surely have to send a proper acknowledgement with thanks..

Very rude, perhaps your friend more than the daughter - can picture this as something my own dad would do, using his contacts without seeing if its something I wanted. So I'd be curious if it was the daughters idea, should still send a proper thank you regardless though!

Agree with this!

I did a massive favour for niece & nephew, not a word of thanks! A huge bouquet arrived and I thought “this is the thank you”, turned out to be from a group of friends I’d done a much lesser favour for.

as the saying goes:-

No good deed goes unpunished.

I wouldn't be angling for further thanks with these types. If they thank you more effusively, they will expect further help. Left as it is, if they contact you again, you can justifiably just leave it on read.

Good gracious! I am still incredibly grateful to the person who read my dissertation and that was more than 20;years ago. I can only surmise that these people have no concept of the value of what you gave them.

It won’t have been marked yet.
I imagine once she sees her grade, she will thank you for helping her achieve it.

I get asked to do stuff like this for people all the time in my profession and for this exact reason my answer to anything that I know will take me more than a five minute signpost is “sorry, no” unless it’s for someone I’m very close to.

Yep- same. I have been in OP's shoes many times and I dont do it any more unless I am very close to the person. It's not because I am being unkind but I am honestly sick to death of spending my own time and even sometimes money, to help others out who then cant even be arsed to say thank you. It's not asking a lot to simply be polite and offer a proper thank you. I am not expecting a gushing essay just a simple appreciation of the amount of work and time it has taken me to assist them.

Now I have noticed people getting really arsey that I will no longer help them out as I used to do and I find it quite bemusing. Suddenly when they arent getting what they want, they think I am the rude one 🤣

How rude. I’d actually send a passive aggressive follow up and say “I didn’t hear anything from you, so I hope Henrietta found my comments helpful and has now submitted her dissertation.”

Lol, i actually really doubt she will.

Incredibly rude. Some people have no shame.

But she should get a thanks regardless of the grade!! its OP's time and effort, that has been put in regardless of what grade this little brat gets.

Yabu. She asked a favour, you did it and she thanked you.

they were very rude but also I wouldn't do this for a student. Their work is supposed to be their own.

But you taught this age group so you know exactly how they can be!! I have some students who are so lovely they will give me chocolates or books and profusely thank me for being a great support. Then I’ll get others who will ignore me all year unless forced to interact. And given the fact you’ve supervised dissertations, you also know how many students don’t even have a topic a month before it’s due so…

The mother should have gone out of her way to thank you imo.

No she didn’t. This sort of thing requires a lot more than “thanks”. Thats the sort of response you’d expect if you texted your neighbour saying “I took your bin in for you this morning”.

I voted yabu as you should have charged them for this many people often a proof reading service. Yes they were rude.