Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

If I were @Welshie2 I’d message the woman before he gets a chance to tell her anything. You’re not going to get any proof from him, now.

Don’t ever defend yourself for looking at his phone - throw it right back at him every time.

’You looked at my phone. I can’t trust you.’

should awkward be followed up with something along the lines of,

’Just as well or I’d never have known what a disgusting scumbag you are.’

‘I had no clue you were perving over the office junior you absolute creep’

’Your messages made my skin crawl. Even if I hadn’t read them they’d still be there. I can’t believe you’re writing things like that to another woman.’

Why in earth should OP lower herself by messaging this OW?

What " proof" does she need?

She has seen all she needs to know..

Her H is a low life cheat. And his behaviour on being rumbled - flouncung out in a huff to delete all the stuff from his phone and desperately try to think up a plausible story whilst all the while deflecting blame on to OP - is enough to destroy any residual respect OP may have had for him.

He's upset/embarrassed he has been caught. He's the one thats betrayed your trust and he's projecting it onto you.

It could be considered sexual harassment

I’m suggesting proof so that she can dump his arse and get a divorce (if that’s what she wants).

He got home just after 11, I was still up. He just kept shaking his head saying he didn’t think I was capable of doing that. Also said he has had some doubts for a while now, not feeling the love in our relationship and that the spark isn’t there.

He said the messages were harmless and just making a dull work day go by. He doesn’t see the issue because in his words it’s not like he told her he wants to bury his face in her arse. He was just being jokey.

He knows her because she used to work in his department when she joined the company (he was one of the managers at a couple of job levels above), she has since moved. He says there’s nothing too it at all and I’m being paranoid to think so. I was upset at this point and went to bed, he’s already left for work.

don’t let him gaslight you OP. This is the classic script when someone is caught out like this to immediately turn it back on the person who is morally in the right. I really would leave if I were you.

A person doesn't need " proof" to instigate a divorce. Unless you are not in the UK and your laws re divorce are different of course.

He's a poor little love isnt he. Shaking his head, all baffled and in wonderment about just how awful you are and he never realised

Well now he does so he can pack his bags and fuck off.

What a blessed relief for him OP!!!

Wow. He’s desperate to try and reverse this on to you isn’t he. Find your anger and keep it OP.
He’s a piece of shit. The messages are almost as bad as the game he’s trying to play with your head. Pack his bags.

He's gaslighting you OP. I'd be completely distraught if my dh had sent messages like that to a colleague. It's completely crossing the line, and is a betrayal of you. You need to get angry. He's hanging everything on the fact you looked at his phone to turn things around on you and make you look like the villain - you aren't. He has betrayed you - whether it's cheating or not it's borderline, but it is still a betrayal. He doesn't get to be higg and mighty about this. His head had been turned. Now it sounds like he is using this as an excuse to exit your marriage. Read him the fucking riot act, he's being a total bastard to you.

@Welshie2 his attempts to make you look like the bad guy are laughably pathetic - like, toddler-level pathetic.

Can you imagine him trying to explain this to someone else?

H: my wife is sooo unreasonable!
Them: why, what happened?
H: well, she looked on my phone and found flirty texts i’d sent to a woman at work.
Them: yeah you probably shouldn’t have sent those, tough luck getting caught.
H: but…but…she LOOKED AT MY PHONE.

He’s a coward and a waste of space and you’re better off without him.

He’s turning it around on you in the pathetic hope that you will feel bad and apologise to him so he can ‘forgive’ you and ‘move on’.

Then hold it over you every single time you do something he doesn’t like going forward.

Don’t fall for it.

While he is out at work, pack him a bag and tell him you’ll leave it outside, that you need some space to figure out what you want.

He owes you. Not the other way around.

I’m sorry op. Any decent man would have come back to apologise, even if there was nothing to it, just for the mere reason he hurt you. Not him though.

Dont let him gaslight you and make it your fault, taking so much offence on you looking at his phone makes me think that there is more on that phone that you know about and that he wants to bring you “under control”… again.

He is not a good husband, is he. I bet he has been gaslighting you about other things over the years. Next he will start saying it is your fault or convincing you and everyone that you made a fuss or imagined it.

Stay strong, pushing under the rug won’t make things better for you or your kids at all in the long run.

This

What a gaslighting, cheating, arsehole!!

Don't let him make you feel bad.
Your gut instinct about his secrecy was right.

He is being really shitty trying to say HE is mad with YOU. 😡 Tell him you are also questioning the marriage and would appreciate some space. Let him stew. Don't apologise, don't beg, and don't let him continue this narrative of him being the wounded party.

I would have a big question mark over just how serious this is, as they used to work together. So sorry OP.

Had his doubts for a while, eh? Classic had his head turned comment, right there. Trying to make it your fault. Next step is you pushed him away, she has been worried about him etc.

Can guarantee that if someone was sendng you those messages, he would not be seeing it as harmless banter to make a work day pass quicker.

Up to you what you choose to do about it, but I would at the least get all the financial details lined up and make sure you are on the front foot. Whether it is today, next week, or not for months, you are dealing with a man with one foot out the door there. If you aren't ready to be the one to kick him into touch, get yourself in a position where you are ready to respond.

what is your position at the moment? Is leaving feasible? If not, I would start to pull together the things you will need.

his response is not normal and his behaviour in the workplace is not normal.

So he's flirting with a colleague but it's all your fault? What a twat.

He wants out op, and his plan is to try and make it your fault. What a horrible pathetic person he is.

what he is doing now, ie trying to turn this round so that you apologise rather than him, is almost worse than the utterly inappropriate sexual comments.

I would have zero respect for someone this nasty and I would end this relationship today. Especially before he does!

to those who think it’s wrong to look on his phone - how do you imagine anyone would ever find out about their spouses affairs if they’re not allowed to snoop?!? I mean if she’d walked in on them shagging, would that be her fault because the door was closed?

When you do have it out with him, he is going to only admit what is proven on the evidence - and even that will be minimised. He may well have a physical relationship with her. He will have deleted everything after storming off. He will then say you're crazy etc. for believing it's more than what you read. Stay strong - don't let him confuse and disorient you. You can just repeat "I don't believe you."

Seems like he is using DARVO as a tactic, blaming you for looking at his phone, thereby becoming the victim.

you know you can get divorced simply by discovering that your husband is nasty don’t you? - you don’t actually have to ‘prove’ he is. The op already knows because of the text and then his subsequent behaviour.