Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

Well you can’t trust him so the relationship is over.

I would switch focus to getting legal advice so you are ready for what comes next.

So sorry, he’s a pathetic little man.

Minimising comes next. He’ll come back with some story about how it was just harmless flirting and take out of context. Don’t let him know exactly what you saw as he’ll have to come up with a story that covers all possibilities.
Then it will be why it’s your fault that he has to look elsewhere.
Just for the amusement of others on this thread. I was sent a note by someone in Ex H’s work saying ‘He is having an affair’. He said that woman was mad and trying to get loads of people in trouble.
Then I found a note in his pocket. ‘Need a fuck right now. You are so hot’ In someone else’s handwriting. After 24 hours he said ‘OH I remember now. We were passing notes joking about what a couple in the office might be saying to each other’
😑
I just asked if he thought he had married a stupid woman.
So sorry OP.

Whether checking someone's phone or not is wrong is now an irrelevant point because what you've discovered is that your dh is a cheating arsehole. He can flounce and be as upset as he likes but at the end of the day what do you want to do about this op? I'd be getting the bloody locks changed while he was out!

While he’s gone don’t contact him and think about what do you want? An apology? An acknowledgement he was wrong? Some efforts on his part to make it up to you? To split?
Think about how you want this to end and aim for that, don’t back down, apologise or acknowledge any wrong doing on your part it distracts from the root of the problem. If he refuses to do what you request and isn’t trying to get in your good book you need to ask yourself should you stay with a man who feels he has the right to behave that way?

Stand your ground don’t let him walk over you.

No, you are not wrong. He is abusive, disrespectful and you need to walk

He’s trying to silence you so he can crack on ‘fishing’ for validation and ego kibbles. He’s an utter creep!

Stand your ground, you had every right to investigate his behaviour, he is in the wrong!

No you are not wrong - he’s trying to deflect the fact that he’s cheating (or trying to cheat) on to you.

For me, these messages cross the line into cheating. I’d be furious.

This is the very definition of a blame shift

You’ve betrayed his trust? Gaslighting at its very best. Do not let him get out of this by making you feel guilty. He’s the one in the wrong. If he hadn’t given you cause for suspicion, you wouldn’t have checked his phone. He’s deflecting and too much of a coward to come home and face the music.

Agree with this. He still may not tell you the truth of the extent or duration of the relationship, but you may get more out of him.

IMHO, there’s a certain level of familiarity in those exchanges. Suggests there’s already been sexual interaction, rather than simply flirting.

IMHO, you were wrong to look at his phone. But what your DH has done is obvs far worse. The highlight of his afternoon should be getting home to his DC and you. He doesn’t seem to have given the impact on his DC (of a break up) a second thought.

I’m so sorry 💐

So sorry OP. How horrible of your H to be sneaking around like that. Did he stay out all night? You must be feeling sick about it all.

I’m sorry it’s such an awful sinking feeling. In good news, your instincts are great! Trust yourself x

I would have also looked at the phone or at least asked to see it if I was suspicious too.

He has the ABSOLUTE audacity to make out like you're the one in the wrong here!
I'd have gone nuclear! Your spidey senses were correct!

I've not been through my husband's phone and he's not been through mine but if either of us chose to, it wouldn't be an issue as neither of us have anything to hide.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you but please don't let him gaslight you into making YOU into the 'bad person'. He is a cheating manipulative toad!

You deserve so much better.

Rookie mistake. Now you are on the back foot.

Don't call him. You are being cheated on. WTF would You call HIM?

He's now deleted everything and you only have that tiny bit to hinge your next moves on.

Personally I would be finished and tell him to shack up with her until the house is sold etc.

Caught him red handed and he’s deflecting.
what happens next is up to you , good luck .

Get a screenshot so he cant change the narrative down the line

You played your hand too soon. Next time, swallow the rage until you've collected evidence. I know it's hard, but it's necessary.

Course they would. Plenty of women like to flirt with men like this. That’s how affairs work

I hope you are ok OP. Ive been where you are now. Twice actually. It’s a fucking horrible feeling

Yep, there are plenty of co-workers who behave like this. A former colleague from years ago made it her mission to sleep with every married guy in the organisation who had a senior job.

Every time there was a new recruit we wondered how long it would take. It was so depressing seeing these men betray their families so easily. I could go on, but you get the drift 🥲

He can hardly claim the moral high ground...
What a tosser.

Lecherous creep.
Cynical and old me wonders why men think that they’re so clever when they cheat or lust after another woman, they really must think their wives are stupid.

If you'd have said 'darling, you've been secretive with your phone, is there anything you wish to tell me?'. He'd have looked you dead in the eye and told you that 'nothing is wrong, he isn't being secretive and it's all in your head'. A conversation would have been pointless, because he'd have lied!

When the arsehole finally decides to show his face, ask if exactly what a conversation with him would have achieved? Would he have admitted sending flirty messages to a colleague or would he have lied his way out of it??? If he tries to tell you, he'd have admitted it, then he's a liar and a bullshitter!!

He's blaming you for looking at his phone, because he's been caught red-handed, and he can lie his way out of it! You're the big bad wolf for looking!

He said you betrayed his trust! Bloody hell talk about gaslighted, he's messaging another woman wanting to look at her arse and he thinks you've betrayed his trust!!!!