Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

If this is the way management generally talk to more junior staff in his workplace it must be some seedy , unregulated cesspit! The only way would such an interaction be " normal" was if the two people involved had an intimate and sexual relationship.

I'm sorry OP but your update just shows up the extent to which he has no respect for his marriage or you.

Oh my, I would have been shaking my head right back at him, saying I can't believe he's written those messages to another woman.

They are not normal workplace messages, OP, at least, not any place I've ever worked.
How would he feel if you'd written similarly to some guy you work with?

And just to make this even more your fault than his, he's "had some doubts, not feeling the love, there's no spark" bla bla bla.

This indeed is the script that PP said would be coming your way.

Note that he hasn't put any effort in to working at your marriage during the time he's been "not feeling the love". No, apparently instead of doing that he's getting his excitement through flirting with this woman at work.

You need to find your anger, stop listening to the gaslighting, and decide what YOU want to do.
💐

He said the messages were harmless and just making a dull work day go by.

Doesn't mean anyone else has to find it acceptable.

He doesn’t see the issue because in his words it’s not like he told her he wants to bury his face in her arse.

Not sure if I'm a prude but I find that a disgusting way to talk about someone.

Also said he has had some doubts for a while now, not feeling the love in our relationship and that the spark isn’t there.

Well then he won't care if you decide to split.

Fucking hell, just read your update. What an absolute shit.

Vile man. Please get rid. I’m sorry op

He may also want to contemplate the fact that his messages are sexual harassment of a colleague and he's not only put his marriage on the rocks but has also put his job at risk. Just because he knows her doesn't mean she invited or wanted this attention

tell him if there is nothing to it you will ask the company, even if anonymously, to investigate his relationship with colleague to confirm its harmless and an acceptable way of passing time at work. See his reaction. Stupid man

Classic DARVO. He’s the real victim, it’s you who is behaving inappropriately, and you should consider yourself lucky if he decides to forgive you for your transgressions.

I doubt he wants out. He wants to put the fear in OP to make her shut up about this.

Op this behaviour is disgusting. He is using darvo tactics. Stand your ground and use the grey rock method if necessary.

Agree with pp about mysogyny and sexualisation in the workplace.

So sorry you are going through this. Get rid it won't improve.

Of course you’re not wrong he’s just blown his top to deflect from the fact he’s fucking his coworker. He’s cheating on you and trying to make you the bad guy.

He’s going to leave and he’s going to tell everyone you’re a psycho who drove him to it with your paranoia. I hope you airdropped yourself the evidence. Tell your family and friends now before he can. Don’t believe his guff that he’s outraged you looked at his phone he’s just upset he was caught and is changing his view of himself so he’s still the hero.

Google Darvo

I wouldn't be saying a word to the worm. Make him work all the way through his entire repertoire before you even acknowledge he exists. It'll go darvo, gaslighting, denial, anger, guilt tripping then, if his ego can stand it, admittance & reflection. Nothing you can do until he's at admittance & reflection so don't waste your time & energy.

He is 100% in the wrong. Do not let him deflect this on to you.
Tell people what’s he’s done. You need people around you to keep you grounded in reality so you don’t let him convince you it’s your fault.

Oh yeah I forgot to say I asked this and he just laughed and said do I really think he’d be able to pull someone who looks like that. Which made me feel brilliant.

I would message him and say how dare he try and flip it around that him sending flirty messages to another woman and asking to look at her arse is absolutely nothing but you looking at his phone when concerned about his behaviour for weeks is the betrayal.
And that if he wants out then he can man up and tell you. But the only reason there has been distance is because he’s been flirting with another woman.

don’t let him control the narrative on this. Looking on someone’s phone is nowhere near a marriage betrayal as asking another woman to show him her arse. Because let’s be crystal clear, that’s what he was doing.

I really disagree with comments like this. Why? Why would the op do anything other than divorce him? She doesn’t have to go to any effort to prove to him that he’s wrong. It’s enough that she knows he is. She has just found out, if she didn’t know before, that her husband sends inappropriate texts to women, then dismisses her concerns, performs DARVO, gaslights her etc. None of those are traits anyone with any self respect would tolerate in a relationship. I wouldn’t want a husband who would send texts like that, and if he did, he should have the self awareness and maturity to apologise. Doing the opposite is pathetic.
i do think as a general point, women need to stop focussing so much on whether men like them, and more on whether they like them.

If he isn’t having a full blown affair he would if he could and there’s no doubt he will in the future.

You know you can’t trust him now, up to you if you stay but you’ll live your life thinking about what he’s up to and he’ll think he got away with it.

So he would if he thought he could

He’s a scumbag.

He’s doing his best to make you the villain, and make you put up and shut up. Stand your ground. You know now that if you let this pass he will be up to all sorts behind your back. He should be apologising and begging forgiveness. If he can’t see the error of his ways OP you need to very strongly consider whether you want to be with him. This is your decision.

I agree with others that you could stand firm and just play it cool for a while, see if he changes tack. I would be making plans to get out. His reaction is telling you everything about him.

That was the idea OP.

He is trying to destroy your self confidence.

He doesn't want you to be strong. He doesn't want you to think clearly. It's part of his manipulation of the situation he is trying to worm his way out of.

The man is an utter fool. To list his nonsense:

• he’s upset you looked at his phone
• but he did send the dodgy messages
• he claims the messages are ‘harmless’ despite the fact you are telling him you are hurt
• a key point in his defence is it’s not like he told her he wants to “bury his face in her arse”- I hope you congratulated him on his restraint
• he stormed off when found out
• came back to spout this nonsense
• tells you that you are paranoid

Utter twaddle. There is nothing in the above that suggests he is a decent person who cares and respects you, and that’s not on you that’s on him. To me the way he speaks about women and to women is deeply unpleasant.
This behaviour quite simply tells you who he is.

I’d be very clear that you do not accept any of this rubbish. That you too had been feeling that the spark had been going out of the relationship and his behaviour has shown you that he is a man you can no longer respect. And no, he does not have to agree. Up to him if he thinks this is you being ‘paranoid’ or a rational woman who is making a choice about what she wants in her life.

You cannot argue with someone who creates their own reality as the goal posts always shift. And I suspect he is an idiot in ways other than this. Gather support in real life. And move on without him. Life is a blessing. And he quite simply doesn’t deserve you.

Classic gaslighting.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

I had a similar situation with my ex When I discovered his affair by checking his phone, he made out that my checking was a bigger offence than his affair, and that I should be apologising to him ......

Gaslighting and insulting you have a real peach there!

I'd be most annoyed that he has tried to get out of the situation by attacking you and making himself the victim. That's next level slimey.

I couldn't be married to someone sending sleazy messages to a woman.

Ah…the script
DARVO/righteous indignation
It meant nothing
it was a joke
I’m feeling unloved so I’ve had my head turned
next will be….
i needed a friend and she just gets me
we only went for coffee
we only went for drinks

etc
etc

that wasn’t a message that was joke or sent without the context of other messages/ flirtation at least.

you are not an idiot. Don’t let him treat you like one.