Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

"Well I can't believe you sent those messages instead of talking to me, and you've betrayed my trust. So what are you going to do about it?"

He’s gaslighting you. Now you think you’re in the wrong and he gets off scott-free

He is trying to turn this onto you to distract from his appalling behaviour. Don’t let him. He is the one in the wrong and should be apologising. I’d be very suspicious if anything physical is going on.

I have met women who would, sadly.

However, I would say that the "off" thing is that they are shagging and the OP only saw those two messages.

If it isnt a physical affair (it is) then it soon will be.

The level of outrage makes me think he is feeling protective of stuff the OP had not even read. I bet there is more to it than those. 2 messages.

I suspect the kind of woman who is willing to fuck a married man is also the kind of woman who might find such aggressive sexual banter titillating. Low-self esteem seems to be a prerequisite for both.

Hes a lying peice of shit girl. I'd have lost all respect for him seeing that message. You're better off out of the marriage for your sanity, but if you can't, at least make him crawl

Sorry if i missed it but does he know you only read 2 messages ?
If not and you speak dont let on, let him think you have seen everything.

Completely agree.

There is more you havent seen, thats why he stormed out. To buy himself time to delete it all. So all you say is "I saw it all" and when he says "WHAT DID YOU SEE?!" you reply "I saw all I needed to see".

Respond: You think it's me that has betrayed trust? That's rich.

Sorry you found out your dh isn't so dear. 💐

He stormed off because he needs time to get a story straight, he couldn't think on the spot. Awful .

He is gaslighting you.

Hed be getting told to f right off with his DARVO bs.

See divorce lawyer ASAP. Find out what you need. Useful to know. Tell him nothing.

Honestly OP Im so sorry. He is cheating and what a hoe to be entertaining his remarks. Just foul. Im really sorry.

Yes - such as they’ve already crossed boundaries by having an emotional or physical affair.

give me a break. They are married and have each others passcodes. She did nothing wrong to check in on a gut feeling and she was clearly right to have done so.

She may not even realise. One of the worst offenders at my workplace never wore his wedding ring and always targeted junior women who didn't have any close relationships in the senior management team. He was shagging two different women at one point and told them both some version of being separated/mid-divorce. His wife turned up at a works do, confronted one affair partner and told AP1 about AP2 as well. All got extremely messy. His wife gave him the boot and fleeced him in the divorce (good for her). AP2 became his girlfriend, but I was at a work function with him late last year and he was drunk by 7pm and hitting on anything that moved, claiming to be single. Yuck.

I have never, ever understood the appeal of the "Daniel Cleaver" type (which he definitely was) but some women seem to find them irresistable, and never underestimate the ability of a certain type of man to deceive and lie their way to having their cake and eating it.

In this case, if OP has found herself married to one, the only answer is LTB now she knows he's a sleazebag.

He is way out of line, you must of been suspicious,hence why you looked at his messages.
Can you trust this person? I doubt it!
The relationship,has been compromised by him.
I could not tolerate,that kind of cheating.
Life is too short,to tolerate this lack of respect.
Start making plans,to get out of the marriage.you know this is unacceptable.You deserve way more!

What a shitbag op. Sorry. Of course you weren’t wrong. You followed your instincts. Men think we are stupid.

Please kick him out. You’ll never be able to trust him again.

I agree with th posters who say he ran out to delete the messages and to get his story straight. Been through all this and the story will change because when they lie the story always changes!

She had her reasons. He was acting strange and it was confirmed.

Nice case of deflection because he got caught. Your instincts were right to check his phone. I wouldn’t be surprised if an affair hasn’t already started.

You've betrayed his trust? What a gaslighting arsehole he is! He is totally in the wrong. If he hadn't been acting weird and secretive due to his completely inappropriate relationship with his colleague, you wouldn't have even thought about checking his messages.

He has betrayed your trust and he doesn’t deserve to be trusted. Now he is gaslighting you because it is easier for him to bring up your behaviour of checking on his phone as a betrayal of trust rather than acknowledge that he was massively in the wrong

The only mistake here is possibly immediately confronting him. You probably needed a little bit of extra time for your own sanity to see what was really going on. The likelihood of an affair is very high, clearly, but no way will he admit to that now. You probably need to decide what you want your next move to be.

This.

Really sorry Op. It’s such a horrible feeling.

Glad you stopped calling. Do nothing and see what his next moves are. Take all the time you need, this is about you and your life now. Consider seriously the possibility he wants out.