Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

You can however delete the message that says a message has been deleted.

Go. Into a message from someone, delete it and then highlight the message saying it was deleted and it will let you delete that too.

Edited as didn't make total sense when I read it back 🤦🏻‍♀️

Time to 'cancel the cheque' on the deleting deleted message message.

Just wanted to point out this isn’t true. When you delete it says ‘message deleted’ but you can click on that notification and delete it too

I think it’s fine to check your partner’s phone so long as you then give him your phone and let him read all your messages. Would you be comfortable that?

What an embarrassment of a man.

I'm sorry OP.

Yes.

Oh, he definitely is. No disagreement from me there. If I was OP I wouldn't be able to get past that. I just don't consider that OP is being misogynistic herself.

I think the ones saying it not ok to check phones,are the ones who have something to hide 🫣

The trouble is, no matter how far it has gone with the OW, or how many times he may have done something similar before - the trust is gone. Every time he’s at a work function, or slightly later home than usual, or takes his phone into the bathroom with him to play games while sitting on the toilet - there’ll always be a part of you that wonders if he’s doing it again.
Aside from that, he’s also shown you what kind of man he is at work - he’s literally the kind that women are warned about. The one who’ll throw you some compliments and then try to block your career. Or even worse, sleep with you and then call you a bimbo and then get you sent back to your old department, tail between your legs.
He’s the one where everyone knows that something’s going on, and they all feel sorry for his poor wife.

I never said it was. I was just explaining how what you said was wrong

What the actual fuck??? I’d leave him just for that statement alone!!

Nothing much to add and haven't read the whole thread but your husband really needs to start looking for a new job in my view, ( assuming you can forgive this past behaviour)

A million times this!

Beyond cheating he has also shown himself to be a nasty piece of work

He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him

he betrayed your trust with another woman. Yes, ok looking in someone’s phone is a bit iffy but I don’t think this is for you to apologise for his behaviour at all

Seriously op he’s her manager she could easily turn this on him. He really is a twat. Op before you decide remember he went along with this is encouraging her messages one minute her arse is amazing now it’s she’s a bimbo really. Op he’s telling her one thing and you another maybe you should ask her about it all. Because had he told her it was inappropriate texting him he should have made it very clear to her it was wrong for many reasons but he didn’t did he.

Your DH is revolting. A misogynistic piece of shit. The messages are terrible but to then say “she means nothing” after dribbling over her arse and knickers is completely vile.

Op you won’t win this. I can’t imagine how desperate you need to be to stay with him but fingers crossed you make it out.
I know it’s probable financial as much as anything but there will be away to get shot of this loser,

That's the end for me. I'm sorry. That's at work, a professional environment, fuck knows what he's like in a bar or similar. I mean she played along. I notice you've not seen many messages. I'd have to question if they are fucking. Either way. What you've already seen would be enough for me. Get your ducks in a row, stick a bow on his head and let her have him.

Yeah this. I wouldn’t want to be married to a man who treated and spoke about women like this. Both you and the woman at work. He doesn’t sound like a kind, gentle or loving man at all.

OP - sorry but that’s not correct I’m afraid (unfortunately I had to become an expert as I was fed the usual shit lies too)

If you press ‘Delete for everyone’ you will see the message “message deleted” on the thread.

If you press “Delete for me” there is NO record of the message or “message deleted” left on your thread.

Try it out now with messages you’ve sent to a friend or your kids.

My husband deleted 100’s messages. Nothing showed on the thread on his phone.

OW husband sent me copies of their watsapp messages from HER thread !!!
Bloody hell, how I didn’t pass out there and then at the content 🤮🤮🤮

He jeopardise his employment, financial security and his marriage. Then he flipped the switch and acted like you did something wrong because you looked at him phone. You dont trust him because he's untrustworthy. He's all apologetic now because he got caught. He wants to minimise the consequences to himself. He should have shut this down straight away. He didn't because he liked it. His ego was more important to him than anything else. He could be accused of sexual harassment and misuse of power. It's bloody embarrassing and cliché.

I hope you took a screenshot of every message, including the first one she wrote to him. Your husband may need this in the future. He is dicing with career death here if she reports him first

How far would this have gone if you didn't check his phone at this point?

The sisterhood?
Yeah, maybe the colleague should have thought of the sisterhood.
You don't get the protection of "the sisterhood" when you've just walked all over it

Have read all your updates, OP.

So, he’s lied further since the storming out:

• Says she’s not in his dept, then turns out she’s a line report
• Says the spark’s gone in your marriage, then says he wants it to work.

And he’s jeopardised his job, and thereby the family income, by sending a line report sexual messages, then reassured you she won’t use the screenshots as leverage because she’s too much of ‘a bimbo’. Wow!

Two thoughts from me:

• I could be wrong but don’t believe a word of it. I suspect it’s much more than flirtation. As I’ve said before, there’s a level of familiarity in the content. As others have said, he’s quite possibly ‘curated’ the messages, leaving in some of the cringe ones to make it look like he hasn’t. He quite possibly isn’t worried she’ll report him because they’re in a relationship and he (stupidly) trusts her.

• Why do you want to be with a man who’s (a) so stupid he’s easily lured into breaching his employment contract, which undoubtedly views sexual contact with a line report as a disciplinary offence and (b) who has such a disrespectful view of another woman, who he manages! He sounds an arrogant, misogynistic twerp.

I have no idea op, none at all, how you can’t see how vile he is.