Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

as pp how and where did you meet? Has every date been in your area? Every night spent together a hotel room or your home?

Sorry totally wrong thread! Both men sound like arses!

Computer misuse act. I suggest you familiarise yourself with it.

Oh for heavens sakes in this instance the OP isn't going to be investigated or charged with anything.

This - hits the nail on the head.

Are you deliberately trying to be unhelpful?

My ex did this.
He let me use his phone and a message come through, I looked and saw the whole conversation. For a good 2 days he was angry at me for not trusting him and looking on his phone and completely ignored the fact he cheated on me 😂
1 I didn't look intentionally
2 HE BROKE MY TRUST BY ACTUALLY CHEATING.
People can be so stupid.

If you were ever looking for an example to define gaslighting, that's it.

Pack his bags, leave them outside and text him to tell him not to bother to try to come back in the house.

He is just gaslighting you and trying to put the blame on you so he does not get the blame for ending the relationship.

You don't need a cheat and a coward in your life.

We spent hours talking last night and he was much calmer and apologised for storming off saying he’d had a really stressful day and wasn’t in a good place.

So he does manage this woman. Has done for a few months. She messages him a lot about work issues, disagreements with colleagues etc. He said after they had an in person one to one/catch up meeting in April, she sent him an inappropriate message. He showed me this. She said that she thinks them meeting one to one in person is dangerous and all she was thinking about was her lying on top of the desk in the meeting room and my husband doing whatever he wanted to her.

He did reply but didn’t really shut it down, just a wishy washy ‘you probably shouldn’t have said that’ with a laughing face. Then two weeks ago she started inappropriate messages again and said the day before they had a virtual meeting that she might wear no knickers under her skirt. He was more encouraging which then led to other exchanges.

So I was right about him being secretive with his phone, and he now accepts why I looked.

He says he has to keep managing her for the time being but if they have a re-jig between the managers at his level then he’ll make an excuse why he she will need to be moved. He has messaged her to say that any messages between them must be work related from now on.

He says he wants to work on our relationship and that he has no feelings for her, he thinks she has just taken advantage of him for her own kicks.

I have not accepted his apology , I’ve made it clear how hurt I am and that I need time to decide what I want.

She will need to be moved? Sorry what? Is he going to tell his Co workers that he encouraged her? She's taken advantage of him? Suffering fuck. He sent her messages back encouraging her - he's not blameless here.

'He says he wants to work on our relationship and that he has no feelings for her, he thinks she has just taken advantage of him for her own kicks.' 😑

So a bad liar and an unimaginative liar. Taking advantage of him, poor little helpless bean. He sounds truly awful. You'll only be more hurt by him in future, there's no trust there anymore (and rightly so). Please move on op, if you can afford to etc , I know it's tough. x

I really hope it works out well for you, that he realises he has made a huge error and he is continually now supportive of you.

I do however think he has to take more accountability, he has not been taken advantage of, he has actively chosen to respond in a manner that is not appropriate. I question if he is only giving you the minimum of details and more will come out. I really hope not. The fact that he came back with 'the spark has gone' I find suspicious.

For your sanity, work on what makes you happy. Meet with friends, see family, be open to change. Create some financial independence. This is a decision that he has made and he now needs to work on repairing. His choices are not a reflection on you.

Maybe consider some couples counselling if you are open to it?

I really hope that it is a minor blip in an otherwise healthy marriage.

Hmmm his explanation does not fit at all with the messages you mentioned in your original post (below), I think he's trying to worm his way out of this one. I'm sorry OP I don't believe him. If you give him the benefit of the doubt and believe his explanation last night about how it started was true, then why did he message back flirting too? He's also acted incredibly irresponsibly and unprofessionary and should have shut it down and swopped out being her manager at the very first message. I think he was as much the instigator as her, and it's worse because he's in a position of power and in a relationship with you.

Also, please don't forget how horribly he treated you when you found the messages - the way he twisted it back on you, the way he made it out to be your fault, the way he made you feel small and unattractive. I think that shows who he truly is and you deserve better OP.

He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon

Your husband hasn't taken any responsibility here at all. Even if this woman took it upon herself to start sending inappropriate messages to him, she must have been extremely sure he'd respond! This is a woman who hasn't been in the company that long, and he's her boss!! I can't see someone in her position, deciding to do this without encouragement.

Personally, I think your husband is minimising his involvement. If the situation happened as he said....the conversation should have been shut down immediately and her told in no uncertain terms that her conduct is unacceptable. Your husband gave a half-arsed response, and then encouraged her. You have no idea how any 1:1 in person conversations have gone, only his version of them. For all you know, he could have been massively flirting with her, and that encouraged her to start messaging him!

Your husband is in a very perilous position at work. If this woman now gets the hump, because in effect she's been 'dumped', she could report him for sexual harassment. He's her boss, and she reports to him, so there's an immediate power imbalance. Some companies also have policies in place, for no inter-company relationships, for this very reason.

Your husband has risked his job and his marriage for a few flirty messages with a younger woman. He's a complete fool.

This.
Its, again, the script.
He might well believe his own version of events at this point which is a convenient way to not have to confront his own behaviour but he has to take some ownership here.
He’s been thinking with his dick and not his brain and I think the reality-potentially losing you op and ramifications at work, might be hitting home.

Saying he will knock it on the head is all very well but it’s you that is left feeling sick every time he goes to work because he will be around her (and in future doubting him for a long while anyway).
It eats away at you tbh OP. I’m sorry you are in this position.

He’s her manager? It just gets worse. And he’s the one being taken advantage of… Does he think you are really that stupid?

So its good you talked it through. Are you satisfied that it was her that made that first contact? That at least is something.

However, when he started receiving the inappropriate messages he should not have engaged with that and should have shut it down straight away. However, he did, probably as he liked the attention somewhat, and he needs to take responsibility for that and not just pass the buck and fully blame her. He was not taken advantage of. He fully chose to send inappropriate messages back.

Did you ask him why he did this? Why he didn't shut it down straight away? How would it make him feel if it was you engaging in this with another man? He needs to understand the severity of what he has done and how he has now broken your trust.

You’re not wrong for checking when his behavior changed and your instincts were telling you something was off. The real issue isn’t that you looked at his phone it’s that he’s openly flirting with another woman and is now deflecting by making you feel guilty. Storming out instead of taking responsibility says a lot. You deserve honesty, respect, and someone who doesn’t make you question your worth. I’d seriously consider leaving and finding someone who treats you better.

From this

Also said he has had some doubts for a while now, not feeling the love in our relationship and that the spark isn’t there.
He said the messages were harmless and just making a dull work day go by. He doesn’t see the issue because in his words it’s not like he told her he wants to bury his face in her arse. He was just being jokey.

To this

He says he wants to work on our relationship and that he has no feelings for her, he thinks she has just taken advantage of him for her own kicks.

He's her manager and he not only didn't shut her sexual messages down until now, he sent at least one suggestive and unprofessional message to her. He enjoyed the attention. He leaned into the suggestiveness. He's put his job at risk for a cheap ego stroke.

Your husband is a very stupid man who thinks you're stupid too. This is his new tactic since trying to blame you for looking at his phone and finding his sexual messages to his coworker didn't work and storming out didn't shut you down. Now he's blaming her for "making his dull work day go by" and he's her poor, innocent victim. Does he always play the victim?

I wouldn't trust this guy for a second. He's a liar. Get your life in order, even if you decide to stay with him. This is your wakeup call that he's an opportunistic cheater and not to be relied upon. Gather your support group around you.

The other day he was saying the spark had gone and now it's all this girls fault!

Wow just wow.

He could get into trouble for this. You're better off chucking him. Any dcs involved?

He has some nerve doesn't he? Taken zero responsibility

I couldn't forgive this.

He has had time to come up with a story that he thinks will fit with the messages you read. Don't be fooled by his woe is me act.

Who the fuck is this dreadful woman? Who sends messages like THAT to married collegues? Or any collegues? Are you sure he hasn’t carefully deleted some to “curate” what this looks like?? And, even if he hasn’t, his ONLY reply should have been to say “I am married. Please respect that” and then keep it 100% strictly professional. I think there is more to this op…..