Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

And his job could very well be put on the line here.

Have you asked him about his claim the spark has gone and what he plans to do about that - it’s not up to you at the moment to make the effort to save your marriage, it’s on him.

Seems unusual for a manager to be telling her boss she’ll wear no knickers within a few weeks of starting work.

Sorry……but he’s absolutely mugging you off. Tell him to go stay somewhere else until you decide what to do. That way you’ll at least get some breathing space to think about everything. Honestly he’s an absolute prick who’ll do it again and again!!!!! He needs a shock!!!!

I second this.

Also, it would take an incredibly ballsy person to message their manager ‘I wanted to lie on the desk and you could do what you want to me’ out of the blue with no prior encouragement/ flirtation

It doesn’t ring true I’m afraid OP

No no no

Please do not forgive him.

Don’t know if you have kids but if you have a daughter for one minute imagine her on this women’s position.

Lets say we ‘buy’ his story (I personally think it’s BS) he should have taken action IMMEDIATELY to protect her and himself.

But he ENJOYED it. She did not take advantage of him it was the other way round.

If she sent that message after having a one to one meeting with him then sonething happened in that meeting. Nobody would be stupid enough to send that message to their manager without either physical contact or inappropriate conversation during the meeting. She knew it woukd be well received by him.

He has manufactured a story to blame her.

If he was serious about saving your marriage he would act now and he would make sure his change to a different department was immediate.

He obviously thinks you are stupid enough to accept him continuing working with his affair partner.

And instead of doing the professional thing and reporting her, as a good manager would have done - who wants someone like that disrupting the workplace? - he encouraged her.

I still don't think he is giving you the full story, and he never will. If she goes all "I won't be ignored, Dan" you might get a fuller idea of what went on, but not otherwise.

He has endangered his job here, as well as his relationship with you.

If I had said that to a manager back in the day Id have been sacked. Funny that he sees this as harmless

He's calmed down and trying to talk you round because he's realised what life would like life if you split up.

He is shifting the blame to everything other than himself - he said he stormed off because he'd had a "stressful day". No he flipping well didn't, he was angry and embarrassed that you'd blown up his seedy little world.

He told you the spark has gone - blaming you essentially for saying you're not exciting enough for him anymore.

He is now blaming this woman for it all.

If you hadn't have found out, what do you think would have happened? Imagine that scenario.

What does his explanation have to do with him sending that message? He says her messages were inappropriate, so why didn't he just shut them down? His own message was encouraging her!
How did he explain that? Can't be see that that message contradicts his narrative?

If you do decide to keep him, he needs to move company. He’s left himself wide open for disciplinary action - what an idiot.

Not good enough (or wouldn't be for me). If he was to have any chance at all, if I felt so inclined, he would have to move immediately to a position where he won't work near her, or change jobs away from her. He'd need to be showing me he was serious about making amends, at the very least.

Also if she really did start it - make sure he does not delete any messages as he may need them as evidence.

I thought he said he could never pull such a fit bird

but now she’s throwing herself at him?

he’s clearly spent time thinking if a way out of this and it sounds total bullshit

‘She was taking advantage of me’ 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

No… see it’s not quite enough for him to say that if eventually things are moved then he won’t manage her. He needs to ask his manager to remove her from his direct line.

I agree the female colleague is a right shit stirrer but more fool him

He's now saying SHE took advantage of HIM? And you believe him?

There is zero chance she sent him all that stuff about lying back on the desk with her legs open to him, no knickers on, etc, with no active encouragement. No chance, sorry.

I know you are in preservation mode but he is straight out lying to you. He is massively encouraging her, and he wants her.

I don't know what's worse. His pathetic messages to her, attempting to flirt or turning tail and saying it's all her fault (and yours) when you've read the bloody messages and seen what he's sent her already!

He actually gives me the bowk, and I don't know him .. at least I hope I don't! lol
Please ditch his sad arse, this won't be the first or last time he's been a dick this way. Can guarantee it! I'd go scorched earth and grass them in, but I'm in a petty mood today, so think first (and gather evidence).

Well, he’s up shit creek because he’s left a digital footprint with which she can take him down as her manager. All she needs to do is show HR the message where he tells her to walk by his desk again so he can check out her arse. He manages her, FFS. It won’t be seen as her taking advantage of him by HR, I’m afraid.

Is ‘she’s taken advantage of me’ a new addition to the script?

OP take all the time you need, I know it’s easy for us online to say LTB but it’s not necessarily that easy, particularly if kids are involved. However, he has massively disrespected you and shown you who he is. I don’t think I could live with him going forward. He is also very likely to get fired at some point if he is behaving like this in work, so you may end up being the sole bread winner anyway…

No because WhatsApp says when a message has been deleted and I looked through the whole thread from when it started.

He’s either a cheater , or he’s going to cheat.

Unless she is seriously tapped , in which case she is unlikely to accept any rejection from him quietly. These men are fucking idiotic.