Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

So his argument for the defense is
1)It's absolutely nothing to worry about, just jokes that happen to be about how I love looking at her arse
2)But also I don't feel loved and the spark with you anymore
3)And I think she's really fit

And he argues that none of these are connected...yeah right.

Before long you will be getting the blame for 2) for some stupid reason, like why don't you wear tight trousers for him or you spend too much time on the kids and boo hoo he's neglected. And then he'll be saying what you did in looking at his phone is worse anyway and you should cancel all his misdemeanours out and put yourself in the dog house instead.

What’s been happening this evening OP?

Police would literally laugh in the face of a husband if they tried to report such a “crime”. And I would know, I work for the police. Privacy laws don’t really extend to these sort of spousal situations where they have shared access details eg, sharing PIN codes to phones within a marriage implies consent anyway.

You said yourself he’s been cagey with his phone for a while, I.e this has been going on for at least that long.
no way it was all innocent yet hid his phone and the one time you check it you find something

Bastard.

It also includes trying to convince someone that their rational reaction to being treated like shit, is irrational.

Thats pretty much as gaslighty as it gets.

She's every right ro feel sexy in the office if she wants

Sorry but this is just downright ridiculous.

People go to work to do the job they are paid to do! Not to feel sexy.

You are reducing this woman to the role of sex object whose function in the office is to look decorative . Absolutely demeaning.

Sorry OP, I think this too.

Affair, no affair, whatever.

What he has already done would be enough for me. The messages, the lies, the counterattack, the disrespect, the complete lack of care and concern for you and your feelings, the attitude to women in general.

No it isn’t

if the OP was in an abusive marriage where her husband had her shared password but was going on her phone to read her messages, check up on who she is speaking to & tracking where ahe has been.

it would rightly be called out for coercive and controlling behaviour.

The Op did it once so no, no one is going to take action or call it that. But say she never raised it with the husband and carried on checking his phone daily or whatever then it becomes a different matter.

it is actually quite scary reading this thread what people are trying to excuse as acceptable. That others are saying sharing a passwoed equals consent to look at whatever you want on someones phone, not recognising how something can quickly become abuse. Which is crazy given all the militant feminist anti men responses

The husbands update when he got in at 11. Calling it gaslighting, its not, he has kinda been honest and utterly cruel to the OP. If he was gaslighting he would be making out it hadn’t happened. He is a horrible twat but isn’t gaslighting at this point.

I'd immediately point out that he is the one betraying trust, just through the overtly raunchy nature of those messages. Not to mention the obvious "hard-core" flirtation contained in those texts. What a total dick!

(In fact, the word "flirtation" hardly covers it, does it?)

I'd also be telling him that his secretive behaviour (regarding his phone) is what tipped you off that he was following up on "impure thoughts". He's obviously getting his rocks off by lusting after this woman and she, frankly, is encouraging him 100%.

No excuse, though.

He's married.

To you.

Even texting like this is considered to be cheating by many people.

If he actually wanted to "fuck about and find out" he's just hit the bullseye. He should be grovelling at your feet, not throwing his tacky, gross and cheating behaviour at your door. Don't put up with it.

Even if you dont mean to actually divorce him over this, he needs a huge effing scare to knock some sense into him. He's got himself a little too comfortable and doesn't see this as a threat to the marriage. You need to change his mind-set on this immediately. No threat to end the marriage should be off the table. Gosh OP - I'm really offended and boiling point angry on your behalf.

Say what, again??? Who has betrayed whose trust??? 😠 😡 👿

Personally, I'd serve him with a legal letter outlining your plans to divorce, citing Ms Lucy Lastic and her peachy arse as
co-respondents (70s style retribution!).

Sending hugs and support. 🫂

What a fuckwit.

you should definitely ask for some more training.

ask them to teach you about harassment & coercive and controlling relationships & the things that can be used as evidence.

checking up on a partner is controlling behaviour. Accessing your partners phone to read their private messages especially if done on a regular basis is not OK

"Oh yeah I forgot to say I asked this and he just laughed and said do I really think he’d be able to pull someone who looks like that. Which made me feel brilliant."

To that remark, I'd have replied, "Sorry - you're right. I don't know what I was thinking."

I'm really sorry, but clearly this isn't just a one off. The pair of them have been coming in their own pants, through this sickening display of adolescent sexual antagonism - they are literally egging each orher on and loving every minute of it. I wonder how he would feel if you were talking to a male colleague like that? It sounds like he's made his mind up to dip his wick - AND he thought he would get away with it, too.

I'd be very concerned about where he was for those missing hours. You very conveniently gave him a great excuse to storm off, all injured and whimpering, because you'd crossed a very important line. He hasn't crossed any lines though, eh?

You need to shut down this utter shite he's pedalling, where he gets to act all superior, whilst guarding his precious little patch of "moral highground". He doesn't HAVE any moral highground. It's actually irrelevant as to whether he's had her knickers off yet - the point is he wants to... He's basically cheating on you with a woman at work and he's showing you very clearly who he is.

He's a cheating scumbag.

I’d suggest it’s also gaslighting for him to say that she’s mistaken meaningless banter between platonic pals for intentional and overtly sexual flirting.

so he was commenting about a co worker's arse in a sexual manner yet he had a go at you for betraying his trust because you looked at his phone?? Um gaslighting 101

Why do you think feeling sexy is reductory or demeaning or only for other people?

Why would feeling hot make you not a good worker?

It's possible to go into work feeling "hey I look gorgeous today" and also do your job, you know.

In trying to imply mysoginy, you have actually highlighted your own. Everyone has the right to feel however they want about themselves at any time they want.

There is nothing reductory from me.
Perhaps you aught to ask yourself why you think feeling sexy is reductory for women? That implies YOU think that it is is purely performance for men.

Quite honestly you must be sex obsessed if you think people's minds should be on sex while they are doing a job of work.

You are reducing humans to their basic animal level if you think sex really should be the driving force of in the place of work.

And dangerous: what if this woman is a doctor, or a pilot? She could kill people if her mind is on wanting to have sex while she is doing her job. How on earth is " feeling sexy" appropriate in an operating theatre or a cockpit of a plane?

And what type of vain , self obsessed person goes into work thinking " don't I look gorgeous " ? For heavens sake! How absolutely toe curling. And must be an absolute nightmare for anyone having to work with.

Of course presenting women as sex obsessed, vain, and appearance focused is absolutely derogatory.

What a piece of shit to turn this on you. He didn’t think you capable of looking at his phone. Whilst being in appropriate with another woman. You deserve better

He has lied and belittled the OP. There is no way she can trust him again. Using the lizard brain, no emotion, she should just throw him out.

However, life is not like that. Do they have kids? How long have they been married? Is the op finanically able to leave?

It's a very tricky one. But if I was the OP, i'd start planning to leave. It may be a slow process, but after this it should be admitted the relationship is over. He will carry on, leave it for a bit and then carry on or there will be a new girl in the future. And if the OP stays she has given him permission for him to treat her badly.

There's a massive difference between feeling like you look great, and intending to look sexy!

Trying to look sexy means you have the intent to get other people looking at you in a sexual way, which shouldn't be the driving focus at work for anyone unless they are an entertainer by trade or a sex worker, and in particular not in the office where the focus should be on work.

It is something that naturally lends itself to women's attire by the nature of what is acceptable clothing e.g. men wear trousers or even shorts usually paired with office type shoes or trainers, women can wear any length of skirt, have bare legs or tights, wear trousers or shorts, various heel heights, virtually any style of shoe they feel like...

One of the unusual things about humans as opposed to the vast majority of mammals is that the expectation is on the female to "display" to attract the male rather than the other way round. Recognising that social factor is all @Makemeinvisible is referring to - women dress in sexy ways to attract men, which shouldn't be the focus in the work place.

Yes and it’s quite clear that this isn’t a pattern of controlling and coercive behaviour on her part isn’t it.

Not everything is a police drama where a crime needs to be detected. Maybe lay off the day time TV.

It’s incredibly hard to get away with the CPS even when there is a huge long pattern of controlling behaviour. One phone check? You’re having a laugh.

Classic DARVO technique on his part!

YANBU

This is a deal breaker for me and my partner would be gone if this happened

Amazing that this dickhead “is having doubts”
”not feeling the love” and even “the spark is gone” at just about the time he gets a beautiful new colleague. I wonder how much effort he’s been putting in to his marriage, to speak to his wife about his doubts, to be loving towards her, and to inject a bit of sparkle?

and now he’s blaming his wife, it would seem for having had his kids, having aged a few years since they met, and finally having got fed up of his attitude and having a look at his phone, where she finds evidence that he’s playing away. But OP is the one who’s in the wrong.

He is an utter knob. I would be getting legal advice and gathering evidence of finances etc.

Wow his reaction is very telling - no remorse whatsoever. Sorry op, you have some hard decisions to make.

Please believe the advice on here. I'm so sorry you're going through this.