Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

If it was me I would get on his phone again and go through every message from this woman, that’s the only way you’ll see if there is more to it, he isn’t going to tell you if he hasn’t been caught out. If the messages are deleted, you know why.

You know the truth. He’s been sending sleazy messages to someone behind your back and then started to gaslight you about it. He’s even had the audacity to question your relationship in an attempt to put more blame onto you - relationship issues made the poor soul do it. Nope - get rid.

He was just being jokey.

Sexual content, messaging a coworker about her ass, is not jokey. His jokey is another person's sexual harassment. What a stupid man to be sending messages about a coworker's ass to them at work. There's sexual content there and he could be putting his job at risk.

What a twat he is!. Trying to turn it on to you. Some great advice on here for you. Wishing you all the best on how you move forward lovely.

You betrayed his trust ??? Erm i don't think so absolute idiot he is.
Why do they have each other's phone number ?
He has been found out hence his man-child reaction .
Seeds are planted now in your mind could be harmless flirting but why have each other's numbers I wouldn't be happy with that .

My ex used to run off and still does now if there is any sort of confrontation. Its when he knows hes in the wrong. Expect the "your fault" i was looking elsewhere or the woe is me "ive been struggling" routine

Why are you arguing semantics? How does that help OP or are you on her husband's side?

I'd be suggesting/insisting he look for a new role away from this company or you instigate divorce proceedings

Exactly.

And he is trying to convince the OP that her going through his phone is worse than what he did, therefore trying to manipulate her into believing that she is the villain, even though it is obvious that she isnt. So he is gaslighting her.

You know his phone access code and he leaves it lying around. Not the actions of a man who is having an affair...

It reads to me as a bit of flirtatious banter. Yes, inappropriate, but hardly crime of the century to admire someone else's bum!

My colleague and I were admiring (and commented on) our boss' legs the other week as he was getting changed for the gym and had his shorts under his trousers. He does have nice legs. But that doesn't mean we fancy him or want an affair with him!

If you felt things weren't right with him, then why didn't you ask him?

It’s not against the law to look at your husbands phone. Ridiculous.

But did you message your boss and ask them to walk past again to ‘make your day’ 😂

it’s a bit more personal when it’s messages just between the two of them, that’s not banter it’s flirting.

Boy... he's disrespected you and made you feel it's all in your imagination and how paranoid and crazy you are to think these things and check his phone.

^THE SCRIPT^

Please start to get your ducks in a row...just in case.

No, he won't tell you the truth, and you can't trust him to provide you with the information you need. You already know what you need to know. His reaction speaks volumes. He's decided to blame you for the problems. He's not happy with how your relationship is going (or so he says—could very well just be a desperate attempt to try to absolve himself of any feelings of guilt), and he's decided that flirting with women at work is okay to help pass the time. 🙄

As trashy and disrespectful to you as that is, I could possibly (possibly) believe that it's just been flirtation so far, but the bigger problem is that he refuses to take any responsibility for his actions. He won't admit that it was wrong of him to flirt with this woman. Fine, he can be angry that you 'spied' on him (🙄), but that doesn't change the fact that there was something there to find.

He won't acknowledge that he's done something wrong and owes you an apology and a promise not to do it again. That means he will most definitely continue to do this. He doesn't even have the sense to pretend he won't! Are you willing to accept that in a husband? I wouldn't be.

Grim. Don’t stay with him. He’s not worth it and life’s too short.

Call his bluff...say ok so youve not been feeling it for a while, so when are you moving out, just let me know and I'll start working out finances and maintanence you'll need to pay.

He'll soon change his tune and crap himself...try it

What did he say when you asked him to come up and walk past your desk?

He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

@Welshie2 That you’ve asked this shows that you’ve been in an emotionally controlling relationship.

It’s called DARVO.

That's exactly what he's done!

It is. Google it.

I'd have done it too, though.

Well we did say we look forward to the next time his legs were on display... 😂

And we do send each other 1-2-1 WhatsApp messages, although definitely no mention of legs or even peaches. Or aubergines for that matter. Just work related stuff.

Apart from ALL his other actions & lies, which are immense & many, I can't actually believe he used the words "It's not like I want to bury my face in her arse" Jesus fucking wept @Welshie2

I can only echo what others have said, he's a dickhead & it sounds like he's already out but is too much of a wet wipe to actually make it a reality so does he think he can have a half in/half out option? Prick!

You already have at least one supportive friend who knows the score so it's good you can lean on her, good luck for the coming days, weeks & months 💐

As an aside I can't believe how many of these threads are around at the moment, it's so shit

He had no need to walk past my desk, but we did tell him we looked forward to the next public display of leg.

I also asked him another time if he had his shorts on under his trousers, and he asked if it made his bum look big. 😂

We are a close department so do make the odd somewhat inappropriate joke or laugh at an unintended innuendo but definitely no messages about peaches! We are all very nerdy.

He's angry hes been caught out and is trying to glop the scriptcand mske out you are betrsyingvhis trust....when its him tgat us betraying yours. Don't listen to that garbage. My husband and I always use each other phones, open access az we have nothing to hide.

He's angry hes been caught out and is trying to flip the script and make out you are betraying his trust....when its him that is betraying yours. Don't listen to that garbage. My husband and I always use each other phones, open access az we have nothing to hide.

He's maximising what you did to minimise his cheating (and yes its a form of cheating as the intent is there)