Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

So he's the one flirting with and messaging another woman and he has the nerve to have a go and say you have betrayed his trust.

DARVO as others have said.

Trying to turn himself into the victim and mak you the guilty one, you've caught his red handed and that is a very poor response on his part.

So he lied to you about her role and where she works
No point asking him for the truth. You won't get it.
Decide what to do on the basis of what you already know:
Either he is embarking on an affair
Or he thinks nothing of workplace sexual harassment.

Neither is a good look.

Is it really? What law is that? Genuinely curious

If he's "stormed out" he shouldn't be getting back in.

Fucking hell OP.

The absolute cheek of him.

Said how dare I look at his phone - nope. He doesn't get to judge you in this scenario. He knows he's done wrong and is just trying to deflect.

he just laughed and said do I really think he’d be able to pull someone who looks like that

He said the messages were harmless and just making a dull work day go by

I'm sorry OP, but he doesn't love you or respect you. His response shows he's manipulative and thinks of you as a doormat.

Thank God that she and thousands of women have done that. If they hadn't, many many of them would continue living a lie and wasting their lives for maybe years.

If youd asked him. He would lie.

Hes right you should be able to trust him, but turns out you cant. He knew you knew his passwords, its not like you bugged him or hacked him

Its not your responsibility to fix this

Always a difficult situation, you have your suspicions for whatever the reason, you investigate, morally wrong or not, find evidence of at least emotional affair, challenge it and are made out to be the one whose in the wrong ,with no apology, no attempt to acknowledge how it makes you feel ,just how dare you. Where do you go, from experience you leave or very slowly work through it but always then being left with suspicion and a feeling of being let down and dismissed . Good luck OP and for what it’s worth,it’s not always the man whose made the contact with someone else

It sounds like he’s looking to exit I’m afraid, telling you he’s had his doubts, not feeling the love etc it’s all a bit sad and predictable.
It was his change of behaviour that alerted you that there may be an issue…..
My DH and I know each others phone codes as it’s the same on both devices. I’ve never checked my DH phone and as far as I know he hasn’t checked mine, but both are lying around all the time.
He’s blaming you for checking the phone, and whilst he can be annoyed he should be asking why you felt it was necessary…
He won’t tell you the truth, and will make out it’s your fault if he goes.
You don’t trust him, he’s obviously inappropriately messaging someone else, you need to think about what you want to do next and take back some control.
Personally I would be telling him that given how he’s sending sleazy messages and isn’t feeling the love at home, he’s welcome to go!

What does his company's policy state about fraternization in the workplace? I ask because you need to know if he put his job into jeopardy by texting a catcall to his co-worker.

Look up online or call the company to ask for their employee conduct policies. Once you have that, you can explain those rules to him. If it's not permitted without disclosure to the company, the power just shifted to you. Additionally, him catcalling her by text is something she can turn in about him. He could potentially lose his job because of her.

You can turn in both of them although the loss of income might be a big problem. I hope you took a photo of the messages. He might need to keep those messages because if their behavior is turned in, and it is possible another co-worker, or anyone really, could do turn them in, he will need to show she was participatory as a defense.

He does not seem to understand he potentially kicked over a can of hornets at his job and it could far more serious than he comprehends.

This is a good point. Our company has a very strict fraternisation policy and if he is senior to her and they are in the same team, he could face disciplinary action. He would where I work.

@PyongyangKipperbang , @cheesepielover ,
He said the messages were harmless and just making a dull work day go by. He doesn’t see the issue because in his words it’s not like he told her he wants to bury his face in her arse. He was just being jokey.
is not gaslighting.

Computer misuse act

I would guess the fact she has his password would be classed as ongoing consent.. hes a dick whos pissed that he got caught and there is direct evidence

11 years ago I celebrated a big milestone on Facebook to which my ex responded. We also just had a family holiday end of My of which he posted photos and several people on his friend list liked my children’s photos. By that holiday and just after in June he was constantly stressed out. Blamed a new job promotion he took on 2 months prior. Long story short I found out he was having an affair with a very young girl from work who liked all my kids photos. He took a day off to spend with her when he should have been spending an important event with my youngest and made some work emergency of why he couldn’t. I found out she literally started the job 6 weeks prior. It’s been a 2-3 week physical affair by then and he was her manager. I kicked him out immediately and he stayed with her for two years and that ended up in a shit show. He is now married with more kids. Don’t see or bother with our kids. And new wife who was innocent in this to start but had done loads of shit with my kids after is putting up with his awful behaviour.

My advice would be to not waste your time as they make it sound like you are the one in the wrong.

He said you've betrayed his trust?! What a bloody nerve!

Yes it is.

It is doing something wrong yourself and causing or attempting to cause your partner to believe that they have misjudged the situation.

This.

I can't believe anyone is suggesting that it is illegal to have looked at his phone.

The mutual exchange of security details was to enable each to check on each other's phones whenever they wanted. If you don't want that you give your password etc in a sealed envelope for emergency use only.

Yes. And if she is one of 8 that report to him the other 7 may well complain if he shows even a hint of favouritism

It isn't.

You can't make him tell the truth. He won't. If you read threads similar to yours on here over the years, it goes one of two ways: 1) He immediately says he is in love with his AP and leaves or 2) He will lie until he goes to his grave with his trousers around his ankles and her lips firmly secured. He is taking the piss.

It is. It fits the criteria of gaslighting to attempt to convince someone that they are being too sensitive or overreacting to what they have found out.

God, he’s so full of it.

When I want my day to go faster I go to the toilets and stay on my phone, I don’t exchange inappropriate messages with coworker.

Good luck getting the truth from a bloke who needs a female to walk past him to show her arse to help him through his working day. Yep definitely a lying twat. Bet all his messages disappeared.

That isn't gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person causes someone to doubt their perception of reality, memory, or sanity.