Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

exactly, she's clearly up for it

first and formost im with the op

Sharing login credentials (like passwords or PINs) does not legally or automatically mean blanket, ongoing consent to access a partner's private, personal communications

I think this man will be enjoying the fact that a woman who is out of his league is interested him, he will also be enjoying the envy of his male colleagues.

But it'd be hard for a lawyer to argue, surely? Especially if they have a history of sometimes accessing each other's info (for innocent purposes, I mean).

He’s been caught out so is trying to shift the narrative. He is trying to make out he’s the victim in all this.
this is to derail you and for him to regain control and the upper hand.
what do you want to happen?

FGS the Op isnt going to be charged with anything. The husband and his friend are hardly likely to want this stuff about her trousers being read out in court. Aside from the embarrassment I dont suppose their employer would be thrilled at their name being dragged in to it. Flight of fancy nonsense to suggest it will go further than the Op's husband pretending that it somehow exonerates him.

Op - whatever happens/whatever you decide to do next, don't lose sight of the fact that he's wholly in the wrong, for the messages and for suggesting it's your fault (doesn't feel the love etc).
He's in this position purely down to his bad choices.

That’s true! Actually blame them both

Sorry if he wanted forgiveness he would be giving you his phone and begging for a chance to make it right with you. That he’s acting pissed off with you is a sign he either doesn’t think he’s done wrong or doesn’t care. Either way he’s not going to stop. If you stay with him you are accepting this behaviour and bear in mind for all you know it could be a full on sexual relationship is this what you are happy to put up with?

He's a disgusting piece of shit who is treating you appallingly.

Even if he hasn't put his dick in her, he'd still like to, he's still flirted with her, he's still been a pervy letch to another woman, and he's still been incredibly disrespectful, nasty and rude to you, his wife.

This is not a good man. Please do not waste your life by staying married to this dirty man who gets off on perving on other women.

I wish when I was younger I had a bum that I could flaunt! I can honestly say I’ve never received a compliment on mine let alone a text from a married man. Is it more bums that men go for nowadays? In my time it was boobs. This girl has no shame and neither does he. I’m sure it did brighten up a boring work day but at what cost to the marriage? I wonder if she even knows he’s married. He certainly does though.

thats true and i agree, i guess its a moral grey area

that in many cases is one of the psychological reasons things like this are happening and encouraged etc

I know everyone has a low opinion of men on Mumsnet but when we had an office affair at one of my workplaces it was the men I worked with who were most disgusted!! He certainly didn’t get back slaps and he did end up leaving

OP - your DH might think he’s the dogs bollocks because the young hot employee is flirting with him but a lot of people will be thinking he’s mid life crisis Darren who would have been better off buying a sports car

or going golfing

OP I don't think he will tell you the truth. The fact that he's gaslighting you and is trying to twist the narrative to put the blame on you is proof of this.

The fact that he has shown no remorse and told you how repulsive you are for calling him out on his bullshit would be enough for me to end it.

Good men apologise, good men suggest what they can do to rebuild trust, good men own their mistakes. He has done none of this and very much doubt he will. He might pretend but you'll always know in your heart that he treated you as less than you deserve.

ETA I know good men don't do normally do this shit but they are also often idiots.

@ChocolateAddictAlways , he's not gaslighting her.

What is he doing then?

Of course he is!

He said the messages were harmless and just making a dull work day go by. He doesn’t see the issue because in his words it’s not like he told her he wants to bury his face in her arse. He was just being jokey.

When its perfectly clear that no one would ever taking kindly to a "joke" like that unless there was something inappropriate going on. He is gaslighting by playing it down and making out that the OP is over reacting.

And the fact that he is making out that she is the unreasonable one for looking at his phone and not him for messaging another woman.

I checked my ex husband’s phone when we were married because of the very same reason. So many messages between him and another woman. He absolutely shit his pants when I confronted him. Anyway, I left him got divorced and have been married to an amazing man now for almost 20 years. Your OH is an absolute gaslighting twat. Stick up for yourself and look after your heart x

And I have just noticed that he said "he has had some doubts for a while now, not feeling the love in our relationship and that the spark isn’t there." which is The Script right there, retrospectively creating justification for his behaviour.

And probably also to frighten the OP into putting up with it and not mentioning it in case he leaves her. It was definitely an implied threat.

Regardless of whether it’s ’just that message’ or more, the message alone would be the nail in the coffin for me. I wouldn’t believe a word he says. If he didn’t know he’d done wrong he wouldn’t have reacted in that DARVO way. As for saying he couldn’t pull someone like that eurgh. Objectifying women. Disrespect to you and your relationship. Gaslighting you into thinking you have done something wrong. Total lack of empathy for how it made you feel. How would he feel if you had similar messages I wonder.

What a twat. Now you know.

He's pissed off cos you caught him out, ill bet he's gone to her housr

I’d just say I don’t give a flying fuck about that, the bigger issue is you and this woman at work.