Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

fair points but at the same time within the company guidelines a person should be able to wear what ever they want

All of this ^ any further conversation about it is just fuel for his manipulation and fake victimhood. You don’t need a ‘reason’ or evidence to leave someone in any relationship AT ALL. Being unhappy is enough on its own, despite his sexual messaging.

fair points,

Do not apologise he was in the wrong. Personally I would fuck him off. Deceitful shitbag. He is the one who has betrayed you.

I wouldn’t bother giving him more opportunities to lie. Just be done with him.

Just to warn you op that LinkedIn will tell her that someone's checked out her profile.

People check mine out all the time. It doesn't bother me. If you're having flirty messages with someone else's husband and are stupid enough to get caught Id expect someone to look me up on social media

When you speak to him, try not to be emotional and make it clear that this type of behavior isn't acceptable to you. You deserve better than this, @Welshie2 and you need to remind him of this.

There is no way he would have sent a sexually suggestive message like that without prior history between them though right? It could have got him sacked if she had just been a regular colleague who reported him for sending a message like that. Somethings happened to make them so comfortable about sending messages like that.

you can change the settings to private mode when you look at someones profile its in the settings option, but then it depends on how upto date the profile is

You have every right to FEEL sexy everywhere.

So long as you aren't behaving innapropitely.

He's a piece of trash. By the sounds of it they have a fairly young son as well. It's not easy just to tell someone to fuck off if they've been together a long time and there's a child involved - but the fact that hes blaming her rather than say sorry is really poor

Op. Don't let him make your life a misery over this. He's in the wrong - as is she.

There's only 2 possibilities:

1. You found all there is to find and he's being an arsehole for putting this on you looking at his phone instead of apologising profusely for talking to another woman like that.

1. There's more to it than this just this smutty conversation and he's being an arsehole for putting it on you AND for lying about the hidden stuff.

Either way he has let you down big time and is currently doubling down on the tactic of making it seem like you're the one who did something wrong. He's so incredibly out of order and disrespectful of you as his wife. Please keep a record of times and dates as this is very stressful and you'll want to remember a clear timeline.

Of course you’re not in the wrong!!
id ask him to not come home!!! What a bellend. He’s either having an affair or about to have one.. best of luck @Welshie2

I'd say he left in order to give himself time to think of a pathetic story to tell you. Maybe he called her as well? Don't fall for it.

He's not telling the truth and he's blaming you for his actions. Classic.

Sounds like you've got a good friend there.

His transgression is far, far worse than yours. Call his bluff. If he was squeaky clean, then he’d be entitled to be aggrieved that you looked at his phone. He’s not, so that’s irrelevant.

" Make it clear that this type of behaviour is acceptable to you "

Yeah that's really going to put him in his place.

OP, you might be looking for an excuse to forgive him and minimalise this as you don't want the heartache and drama of splitting up, but you can do this in stages.

End this in your head first, no need to be throwing bags of clothes into the street and changing locks tomorrow morning.

When men get caught cheating or preparing to cheat, they are scared of the consequences and opinions of work colleagues and their friends and family. Believe me you are last in the list of people is worried about or thinking about. This is why they deny, deny, deny.

So scrunch bum leggings and crop top in the office?

This is utter BS. You're the paranoid one?
Paranoid would mean being suspicious of messages and interactions that never happened. They flirt overtly. Their interactions are very suggestive.
He's now trying to make you back down by telling you he hasn't felt the love? Those messages are not harmless.
I'd take control and make a decision. There's no way I'd wait for him to decide what he wants. His character is reprehensible. He'll never be honest with you. He likely never has.
Sorry. 💐

Ask your DH if he would be equally blasé if you and your male neighbour messaged each other about his trouser bulge.

Shaking his head and trying to make this your fault and ‘he had doubts’ err no, he is the one who has been crossing lines and is cheating, or close to doing so. Ok, looking at his phone is not great but he is the one looking at other women! Look up ‘DARVO’ @Welshie2

Rubbish, its way past that point. Any 'wrong doing' by OP(even if you term it that) is completely insignificant to his wrong doing to make it irrelevant what she did.

She has consent. They have each others log ins

They have each other's log in. That means consent.

Yep.
He really can't claim the moral high ground.

EDITED: typo

You are definitely within your rights to investigate. Some people like to keep secrets and then DENY that anything is going on and this type of behaviour can cause MENTAL ILLNESS and DEPRESSION when A REALITY is denied. This type of Manipulation is Called GASLIGHTING. Usually when a MANIPULATOR is confronted they freak out and disappear to reassess the situation. Lots of people view RELATIONSHIPS as a GAME without telling the partner; so the partner is not working on a level playing field. If I was you I should like to suddenly appear at his place of work.