Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

Because she is deliberately wearing outfits to flaunt her arse to coworkers.

Maybe someone will go to HR about her.

.. about trousers? Unlikely.

Everybody should be able to wear what they want in a non customer facing role. Plenty of people date in the office too fyi. And men often wear shorts where women aren't allowed.

She's every right ro feel sexy in the office if she wants.

Flirting via text with this chump arguably not on but then maybe she doesn't have a clue he is married. Maybe he says they're seperated or something.

If he wasn't flirting with her he'd be flirting woth someone else, guaranteed.

YOU'VE betrayed HIS trust?! What a joke. Pack up his shit for when he does get home and leave it outside. Done and dusted.

In my workplace all relationships have to be declared and in this scenario one of the two would be moved to a different department

Enough with the woman-blaming.
The husband is senior and the colleague plays along knowing she can lose her job if he decides to turn things around and accuse her.
I am sure she was wearing normal work trousers or smart jeans, but probably did know the pervs would perv.
I remember being junior and standing on a ladder in normal and boring grey work trousers to reach something on a shelf, and a senior manager making a pervy comment.

Sexy clothes wouldn't be allowed in some non customer facing roles. She can wear what she likes as far as I'm concerned but if she knows he's married neither of them should be messaging like this

He doesn't need to look

He's whining, saying YOU betrayed HIS trust? HA HA HA!

He's been secretive with his phone and is shagging some office bimbo!

Let him walk out; don't beg him to come back. Change the locks!

There's no evidence that they are in a relationship. He is married

My friend has similar views to many on here in that the messages can’t be out of the blue and I need to ask him to tell me the truth and then I can be better informed what to do

The problem with that is that he’s just proven to you that he’s willing and able to tell you whatever lie works best for him. I mean, it’s possible that he might decide he has nothing to lose and admit to you that he’s been physically unfaithful, but if he maintains his current stance, how will you ever know he’s telling the truth?

I mean, if you really feel you can’t make a decision one way or the other until you have concrete proof, then it might be better to keep your powder dry, pretend you believe him, apologise for looking at his phone, lull him into a false sense of security and then get sneaky. But that’s not the easy option. And I promise you that it is not worth the added pain you’ll have to go through to get that evidence, or the pain you’ll feel if you get it.

The other choice is that you tell him he has betrayed you just by sending those texts, but that you might be willing to work on it if he’s open, honest and agrees to marriage guidance counselling with you. If he doesn’t want to do that, then he’s effectively telling you he doesn’t want to work on your marriage to try and save it. And if that’s the case then I’d say he’s already made his decision and it’s just a matter of time.

Obviously this is your life we’re talking about here, so my very best advice here would be the old MN faithful of assembling your ducks. Start gathering copies of financial information. Start thinking about finances and what you could afford if you do separate. If he’s got plans of not being with you in the future, it’ll stop you from being blindsided. You don’t have to do anything with it; give it to your friend to look after so it’s safe, but there if you ever need it. If you don’t, you run the risk of thinking it’s just a blip and all sorted, then he announces he’s leaving you and has taken his P60s and pension info with him. I’d also start squirreling away some cash. I know you’d have to disclose everything you have during a divorce, but it wouldn’t be that much and stops you from being left penniless if he suddenly clears out any accounts you rely on. This man is not your friend. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

None of us know they are having sex. Why do you think it's appropriate to refer to women as bimbos.

This.

What a twat! He can get off his high bloody horse about the phone. Sod that. Trying to turn his potential infidelity around on you.

A general rule to follow regarding colleagues (assuming it’s make to female heterosexual)

If you wouldn’t do/communicate it to a male colleague don’t do it to a female one.

So ask him, would he ask Bill from accounts to walk past his desk wiggling his ass in new work trousers?

yeah thought not you utter sleaze bag

yes you can be bored at work
yes you can have banter
you can talk about the new celebrity traitors line up or England’s chances in the World Cup or what you are reading or articles in the paper

he was just passing tine and turned it fucking pornhub instantly

I think just his lack of imagination is enough to give you the final ick personally but his turning it around
“well I’ve been thinking about us recently”
instead of coming and talking to you directly - it’s fine people/relationships ebb and lull, instead he fills his boredom and relationship worries with a 20 odd year old arse fantasy.

Screw you sleaze bag

”I did look at your phone so what? It’s not like I found nothing if I had them yes you can make me feel as guilty and betraying of trust as you like, this is much much worse, pairing after tight young things yak yak yak”

Sorry about this horrible situation
You won’t ever trust him again. He’s checked out of your marriage.
There are probably lots of other messages.
I would seek legal advice & look to separate.
No need to spend the rest of your life with a partner who clearly doesn’t love you.

Since you found the messages he has dismissed you, tried to shift the blame to you, laughed at you, made you feel self conscious and minimised your feelings. This is on top of him basically telling you he no longer wants to be with you!

Why would you even want to continue being with the disrespectful piece of shit?

Get some anger, take some power back!

plus blaming someone's clothing styles, is that not victim blaming ?

Dude is a snake. He's a step away from '(don't you) trusssssst in me'.

No, no we don't.

Agree with pp that mentioned protecting your money ASAP. Make sure you have tour own money in your own bank account he can't drain. Just incase. He seems the type.

He stormed out and gone somewhere where he can completely get rid of all evidence

Well no not in this context because she's liking the attention.

But it's arguably "slut shaming". And it implies that a woman is somehow responsible for a mans inappropriate behaviour.

If this came out at my workplace - even if it was just these messages - they would be coming down on him like a ton of bricks - especially if he has any role in her pay/bonus/work load.

she is irrelevant to this anyway - whatever her motivations or actions. His actions have been awful. I’m not sure what he could say now to make things better

He isn't going to tell you anything near the truth and he will have wiped all the evidence by now as you confronted him right away.

So unfortunately you aren't going to know, so you can only make decisions and moves based on your OWN feelings.

Him saying the spark is gone etc is him trying to angle for a breakup/argument and to blame it on you. You don't have sex w me enough so I'm forced to perv after my young direct report... you don't love me like this unavailable fun girl does..

So just think to yourself whether you can forgive this, what does he brimg to your rship, do you have kids or want them.. what that would look like

You know he's capable of lying to your face and lying by omission, flirting with others at work, being untrustworthy.. it's not like he is begging for forgiveness and saying he's sorry, will go to therapy (this line usually comes later after he's stopped trying to blame you) and is offering to switch jobs and hand over his phone so you can trust him.

So what next for you? Think about it

I don’t agree with blaming the woman involved however the poster who said ‘She has every right to feel sexy at work’ threw me slightly. I don’t think anyone has a ‘right’ to ‘feel sexy’ at work and I don’t think the workplace is the right setting to feel sexy anyway.

She is also an active participant, she followed what he said. Anyway, it’s much of a muchness because it’s the OP’s sleazy husband that’s the real issue.

you wasn't wrong to feel something was off or to seek clarity. But the method gave him ammunition to flip the script you betrayed my trust @Welshie2

Exactly.

More excuses, deflection and gaslighting by him? There's nothing more to hear from him. It's not about him but about what he's done and how YOU feel. I thought OP that YOU had a problem with him in the first place and therefore decided to look for evidence yet he's got the chance to turn this against you!