Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

I only read the OPs posts but why is this woman not reporting his messages to HR instead of joining in with his sleaze?

There is enough evidence to get rid of the cheat already. Get him out.

Sadly he lied to you throughout. He still lied when caught out. I wouldn't hold your breath for some truth now.
Whatever you do chose what to do, please do it for you and no because you've been bullied, belittled and lied to into doing it. Take very good care OP.

If she only started there in February she’s a quick worker! I wonder how many other men she’s parading around in front of. It seems a bit desperate on her behalf, not necessarily an affair, more just looking for male attention maybe? And he’s fallen for it like men do

Because she is enjoying the flirtation and fancies him I would imagine.

It has become her normal. She has been trained into letting herself be objectified in her workplace.
Grooming, opportunism, survival.

I was a manager when I was 24 and I wouldn’t have been old enough to know better at that point probably.

Then you were unusual. 24 is not a child or even a new graduate.

yeah.

or she's enjoying it.

Against the law? What prison sentence is she looking at? You mean putting a racket to track someone is against the law and I agree but looking at someone’s phone? Seriously

She knew his password - sharing passwords is implicit consent.

He isn’t going to tell you the truth to help you be better informed though.

He has, however, shown you who he really is and I think that is plenty for you to ditch the cheating scrote.

Blaming women? You're brave, on MN.

Also said he has had some doubts for a while now, not feeling the love in our relationship and that the spark isn’t there

That also points to The Script people talk about when a spouse has an affair. One of the things they do to justify cheating is rewrite the history of the marriage. I've been unhappy, I didn't really want to get married, he's doing exactly that.

So he has already lied about where she works and her job hasn’t he? He said she had moved out of the department when confronted?
Not helping himself is he?
When he gets back I would calmly tell
him you know she works with him still, and you won’t be told you are wrong for following your intuition which has proven to be correct. And ask what in his mind the next steps are here? And then you can decide if it’s something you want to invest time and emotional energy in, or not.

Again , Im so sorry this has happened to you OP.
Did you say you have a young child too? This first happened to me when I had two under two and couldn’t think straight at the best of times. It felt like he had betrayed the kids as well as me and I couldn’t ultimately forgive it, though I did try for years.

I don’t really understand why looking at a cheating partner’s phone is considered illegal, yet in the UK there’s no legal penalty for someone cheating on their spouse. It feels quite inconsistent to me. It feels wrong that people who should be protected aren’t always protected, while people who’ve done harm seem to be protected in certain ways.

Legally, what you’ve done may be considered wrong, but if I were in your position I might well have done the same thing. Without evidence, the other side is likely to come out fighting anyway. I think it’s important to think carefully about what you want to do next and what outcome you’re aiming for. Personally, I’d just walk away from a man like that.

In my opinion, cheating on a married partner should be taken much more seriously, because it can have a very severe emotional and mental impact on the other person. I honestly see it as a kind of extreme psychological harm. I know a few people who have been betrayed by their spouse, and also some who left their marriage and went on to remarry their affair partner. The person who is betrayed can suffer a huge amount of emotional and psychological damage.

I’m the type of person who really can’t accept infidelity, so when I see situations like that I do sometimes think people like that probably shouldn’t marry in the first place and would be better off staying single and living as they please.

No but it is an age at which you still might do things without thinking through the consequences. Especially if the older more sophisticated seeming man you have a crush on is spinning you the line about how unhappy he is at home and how you are the only one who makes him feel Alive. Women of all ages fall for this sort of shit all the time.
Im not defending her especially-if she knows he is married she’s a nasty piece of work-but at 24 I was good at my job, but not good at knowing what to believe or managing relationships and that’s fairly common.

I don’t need to be taught anything, we’ve got each others code, consent is implied.

Honestly, if an OP posted on here to say that she had checked her husband's phone and has evidence that he is guilty of murder, a few posters would still tell her that they were both as bad as each other and that she had broken his trust by looking at his phone without his permission.

On a site that's supposed to support women, it's particularly tedious.

For the most part they will do whatever they believe will give them the best outcome.
That's the best outcome for themselves of course.

How dare he try and put this on you. I am sorry OP x

Yeah, the poor little sausage. First his wife allows the spark to go out and doesn’t make him feel as loved as he should feel, and then some strumpet comes along and bewitches him into looking at her bottom. How do we help him escape this evil woman’s clutches? 🙄

If she knows he’s married, then she clearly has the morals of an alley cat and not someone I’d want to be friends with. But even if she’d pursued him relentlessly, the onus is still on him to say no. You can’t steal people or force them to send sexual texts to you. This is all on him. He’s been the disloyal one. It’s his responsibility to be loyal to his wife. And he’s coming up with enough excuses of his own; he doesn’t need any assistance!

Agreed and she said it herself 'I knew these trousers would get attention today' complete with a peach emoji!
They are both in the wrong but he is the one married at the end of the day, it is ome thing to have a sneaky look but another to send messages. Poor OP, I would be having serious words.

Umm... if I was your friend I wouldn't be telling you to "ask him more questions".

I'd be telling you that an affair is actually, irrelevant. It's like the sprinkles on the icing on a whole cake of shit.

His reaction to you deems that he is not worth holding on to.

A decent man would have been mortified and heart broken that he had behaved so inappropriately and that he had made his wife worry enough to check his phone and that he had hurt her by his behavior. He would have been on his knees apologising solemnly. He would have felt guilt, responsibility for his failures and contrition. He would understand he had betrayed his marriage vows to love and honour his wife.

What has this loser done? Blame you for trusting your instincts about him and doing some digging. Gaslight you. Darvo you. Then - even come back and double down on that bullshit!
What a weak, immoral, nasty human being he is.

Too many women wait for affairs (and proof of) to leave. You don't need that! He's already shown you he's a nasty piece of work. And that he has contempt for you.

Whether or not he's shagging someone else is irrelevant. Don't ever stay around men who mean you harm.

See a divorce solicitor.

STOP talking to him. He's a manipulative snake.

Sorry for your pain OP. It's true they think that the more they lie, it will eventually become truth. Ask him, knowing the answers already and to have a chuckle.