Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

@Welshie2

The thing about “ betraying someone’s trust” is that they have to be trustworthy in the first place. If someone is a pervy cheating scum weasel the trust issue doesn’t arise.

Also, I feel for her too. What a life she must live where her ass is something to discuss with colleagues on a Tuesday afternoon in between meetings. So demeaning and humiliating.

He got home just after 11, I was still up. He just kept shaking his head saying he didn’t think I was capable of doing that. Also said he has had some doubts for a while now, not feeling the love in our relationship and that the spark isn’t there
He is a horrible lying conniving person.
@Welshie2 you caught him red-handed and he's going all out to turn it around denigrate you and make you feel guilty. I'm not sure how I would feel in your situation but I think I would be apoplectic with rage. However your best strategy might be to be completely calm and not react to all, I appreciate that will be very hard to do.
Time to start thinking about 🦆.
Let his nasty, cruel, lying, gaslighting words be merely water off of a duck's back.
And get your ducks in a row 🦆🦆🦆🦆🦆
Be as inscrutable as possible, do not let him know how you're thinking or feeling or give him any heads up as to how you're going to respond
Leave him hanging and twisting in the wind.

JFC. How is he trying to act like the victim in this with a straight face? He’s trying to make you mistrust yourself.

He behaved sexually with another woman. He’s been caught. He’s now trying to gaslight you into thinking you’re to blame. Such a misogynistic cliche.

Please don’t let him undermine you. If you let him do this you’ve basically set the boundaries for yourself at: it’s fine for him to be sexually suggestive to other women. Then the boundaries will expand to much worse.

do you read Zawn Villenes? I highly recommend to help you stay sane in this gaslighting nightmare. 💐

"He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him."

But he betrayed HER trust first by behaving like this toward another woman.

So regardless of whether morally accessing someone's phone was right, what he did, morally, was a lot worse.
Instead of minimising he should be bending over backwards to put things right.

Oh ffs. Yes, OP made a mistake, but it wasn’t checking her husband’s phone. It was admitting why; OP, you should have just said you went to check something on his phone when yours was dead and found the messages. And this is why - because if you admit the truth, the person actually committing the immoral action tries to put forward this fucking legalistic argument that IF they had known you were going to find those messages, they would have withdrawn consent for you to look at their phone. 🤣 I love the logic! It’s disgusting and slimy and a low-IQ-style attempt at being Machiavellian, but it’s just pathetic.

OP, if he’s so fucking certain that your action is equal to or worse than his, then you get advice from a divorce solicitor and he can get advice from the police on why they’ll refuse to charge for a wife who had the phone code, had permission to use the phone, and whose husband wants to renege on that consent ONLY since OP has “run into” these messages (I would change this narrative now, OP - if he’s accused you of breach of trust in writing through WhatsApp, send a message stating that you had the code and he had previously given permission and had not removed that permission, nor had you ever used his phone before, so zero case for computer misuse or coercive control).

None of us know anything about how ugly your husband could become, OP, but it doesn’t look great. I hope your friend gives you some very helpful advice, as someone who knows you both.

Hopefully she will say leave him

some may say that’s an over reaction but he’s showing his true colours

What a horrible little insecure man. Don’t put up with his bullshit.

Again, the fact that it's always "someone else" makes the story deeply unconvincing.

I never hear women say "I'm going to walk slowly past someone's desk so they can look at my arse" (outside of TV/acting).

It's always "some other" woman who supposedly does it.

My ex husband used to behave like this when I caught him out messaging some one. He is trying to make out you looking at his phone is worse than him sending sleezy cheating messages. It’s not. I am sorry OP. Even if he gets you to believe that there is nothing more going on than some flirty messages it will happen again if he is that type. I hope you get some support from your friend.

What a sneaky piece of shit he is

I'm so sorry OP, this must be devastating for you. The other posters are correct, he knows he's done wrong and is now desperately trying to shift the blame onto you. He's not man enough to take responsibilty for his actions.

As for 'the messages were harmless', what a crock. They've harmed you and they've harmed your marriage.

The woman replied in kind though didnt she? So it seems unlikely. Someone’s after the older man she thinks is sophisticated and worldly wise. She is probably too young to see through his bullshit, the cheap thrill of it and get to the consequences for his family and the fact that he is just a man like any other-in fact a worse man than some.

Don’t let him blame you he gave you no choice as he had changed his behaviour. In my experience gaslighting/lying occurs when they are guilty.

He is a cuntttt! As if he is trying to turn it on you- absolute scum. Sorry op

It was helpful to see my friend earlier. On my husband’s WhatsApp, he had the colleague saved by her full name.

My friend works in a similar industry so is on LinkedIn and searched her name. From her profile it’s clear that actually she is in the same department as my husband and is in a manager role one rank down from him. So it’s possible she could actually report in to him (I know he has 7/8 managers as his direct reports). It says she started that role in February this year.

My friend has similar views to many on here in that the messages can’t be out of the blue and I need to ask him to tell me the truth and then I can be better informed what to do.

He's not going to tell you the truth op, he will tell you whatever he believes you can be fooled into believing.
This man is a twit, he's also completely transparent, information is leaking out of him as if he was a sieve. If you keep a poker face you can easily out maneuver him.

I'm really glad you talked to your friend OP and that you have someone helpful and supportive irl.

He won't tell you the truth. He's already lied to you

Does knowing more better inform you ? He is likely to turn on you again. You already know enough.
He has lied. He doesn't respect you. He has sent sexual messages to a colleague which will be in breach of workplace policies.
This is already enough

Do any men caught in these situations ever tell the truth? Just straight up own up? You can ask but he will deny and minimise and darvo and gaslight away. He will have a new passcode on phone or delete messages or have disappearing ones on unfortunately.

What more information are you looking for exactly? The information you already have is unforgiveable.

That exchange is pointing towards an affair sorry - at the very least an emotional one as it’s obviously consensual so something is 100% going on. You don’t just randomly say to an ex colleague ‘show me your arse’ and she says ‘no worries be up in a minute” unless there’s serious history / an ongoing relationship.

I think it's ok that you checked his phone. You had suspicions of cheating given his recent behaviour with his phone. Given that cheating can possibly violate your consent to sex and expose you to another person's flora and STIs, I think it's acceptable to check his phone to find out. You're seeing if you're being subject to a form of spousal abuse that can cost you dearly.

He DARVOed you big time and stormed out. He's trying to play the victim. He's not. There is definitely something going on. I would bet he stormed out because he wouldn't tell you the truth and he needed to wipe his phone. She started in Feb and you said his behaviour has changed recently.

I'd be getting those ducks in order, copies of all financials and get a good lawyer consult so you know what to expect in the event of divorce. I'm glad you have a supportive friend in your life to help you a bit.

She’s a manager. So not THAT young.