Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

Not much to add except it's such textbook cheaters response it could be taught in a classroom. The explosion of anger, the D.A.R.V.O and gaslighting. And the negging and undermining your confidence by making comments saying he couldn't pull a woman who looked like that. Blaming the spark from going so he had no co choice to start sending sexual messages to a younger woman when you have a baby. Sounds like an awful man.
Stay strong and as other posters mentioned get ahead in all the financial information etc

He really is scum. Gaslighting you too. He is trying to call your bluff by claiming he has doubts. I would decide if you want to waste your future with such scum. If not tell EVERYONE the relationship is over because he is cheating scum with a married colleague.

I get that it's a clear indication of crossed boundaries, but what I'm saying is that a woman responding positively to a man asking to look at her arse, and saying she knew she was going to get attention with the trousers she was wearing, seems completely off compared to how I have ever seen any women talk and behave.

And everyone who responded to my comment says that "some women might do this." It's always "some other woman" - that's because no one actually knows a woman who speaks and acts like this. That's why I was saying something seems a bit off about the whole thing.

I'm not disputing that what OP has found is real, just that there's likely something else to the story that she has not yet discovered.

Yuck, yuck, yuck. He is a nasty piece of work, I really hope your wise friend will be able to help you out and you can arrange some practical help.

I honestly think you will look back on this as the best thing that could have happened for you. Imagine wasting anymore of your precious time on this scumbag of a man.

You are a strong and powerful women, you might not feel it at the moment but think about your future without this scum and look forward to all the wonderful things you are going to achieve. X

I’m just wondering what’s so special about her arse! Surely she’s not the only woman in the company with one? !

I know. It’s worrying if that person works with abuse and thinks the two things are equivalent.

Doubts for awhile, spark not there, love gone.

This is the start of The Script.

Playing every card he can get. Don’t be fooled by the ‘ things haven’t been right’ bullshit. Again putting it on you. You deserve better . Hope your friend gives you good advice. I.e get the toad out!

He betrayed your trust when he started messaging another woman about her backside. And now he's gaslighting you!

What an absolute dick.

If it’s nothing ask him if you can show his family and friends since there’s nothing to it. Say that you would like their opinion and he’s more than welcome to tell them you snooped.

I absolutely do know women who speak and act like this. Who find it a thrill and a power trip to gain attention from married men. I know them. I also avoid them.

You need to regain some control. At the moment he’s enjoying your reaction, your jealousy and upset whilst also making derogatory comments about his ability to be with more attractive women.

I would call his bluff. Tell him you agree and you haven’t felt the same for a while either. Tell him calmly that you’re grateful he’s chosen to show the kind of person he’s become because you have felt for a long time that he doesn’t demonstrate any kind of values and this behaviour is an extension of that. Say this with no anger and remain calm.

Then have an introductory call with a solicitor to get an idea of where you stand and then do nothing for now. Be polite around him but don’t engage in any conversations. Act for all intents and purposes like he’s a lodger in your home. Right now your emotions are fuelling him and giving him power. You will feel calmer yourself if you take it back even if you have to fake it to start off with.

The way you’ve described it, you sounded quite passive last night. He was telling you off when you should have been handing his arse to him on a plate (sorry for the expression given the issues)! I know we all react to things differently but you need to find your anger and tell him to fuck off. His behaviour is completely unacceptable.

How the fuck have men convinced women that it's morally worse to look for evidence than, you know, doing the shit thing that the women are looking for evidence of?

And why do women accept this shit? I know we've been conditioned to not incur male wrath but I fucking despair sometimes. The willfull blindness I see all around me to male entitlement/abuse/whatever - it's excruciating. Where are our critical thinking skills, why can't we see it's systematic?

Tell him that HE'S betrayed YOUR trust and MumsNet says we can't believe he's text another woman about their arse rather than texting HIS WIFE about her lovely arse.

Don't let him divert your attention. He's a knob. At the very least he should be grovelling and begging you to go to marriage guidance with him so he can earn your trust back.

Implied consent, they have each others log on details.

Nothing to worry about? If it’s not flirting with consent (which you absolutely SHOULD be worried about), then it’s a massive HR issue - which you should also be worried about. If they’re not flirting then he’s sexually harassing her. Either way, your marriage is very clearly in trouble.

He's spinning a narrative here. He's been caught and is now saying that he feels you're the one signing out of the marriage. He's trying to play the poor neglected husband card like you're not giving him attention and justifying this behaviour as some needy bloke looking elsewhere because he's not getting it at home. Don't allow him to manipulate you. Honestly this is how my ex husband was. No sooner had I called him out for his shitty behaviour talking to other women and hopping all over dating sites he told me "well what do you expect because you don't listen to me you don't pay attention you don't care" trying to make everything my fault. I didn't force him to go searching elsewhere. He was basically jealous that the kids always came before him

The law exists to protect people from fraud and to protect people from controlling and coercive behaviours. The police will not be interested in a one off check of a phone by someone who turned out to be correct. I know this for a fact because when I checked my ExHs phone, for the very first time in a long marriage, and found that he had been having an affair for at least 1 year with a co worker, my ExH lost his mind, felt like he was the victim and reported me to the police. The police did contact me, and I ended up being referred to support for coercive and controlling behaviour FROM HIM when I explained my marriage to the very kind officer. I had not recognised it as financially and emotionally abusive, but in fact it was. OP - you were right to have looked, I am glad I did as I would probably still be in a horrendous situation. He is cross because he has been found out.

I’m saying from experience, this will happen again and again. It’s either hurt now, or keep hurting forever. They are both hard choices, but you know who he is now. I hope you can escape from him, either now or whenever you can I the future.

Best wishes to you x x

Wow a lovely gaslighting response. Please don't contact him again. He has the power by keep declining your calls. It starts with inappropriate messages and ends in an affair.

You make the decision as to how to handle it.

The trust is now broken for both of you sadly

No for her as hes a cheat

The colleague is a disgrace for encouraging this lewd behaviour.

OP, I normally don't post on these threads but I very much feel for you, especially with him telling you that he can't have a beauty like her. WTF. OP, while reading I was thinking. Could I send those messages to my colleague out of the blue? No way. These are not the first ones, the rest might have been said in person or via other means, but the 'banter' has been going on for a while. Do not let him tell you that it's all in your head. You might not have seen much, but there must be plenty more for them to have arrived to this.