Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

Tell him he can go and find out!

as will you.

what he’s done is SO ridiculously disrespectful, there are no words.

How dare he act the victim and shake his cheating arse head at you.

tell him to go and let you have some time to think about how things are going to work out

short sharp shock.

I’m sorry to say there’s be no coming back from this for me.

I’d give it a day then say ‘I’ve had some doubts for a while now, not feeling the love in our relationship and that the spark isn’t there’ - give him his own words back.

OMG! What a cunt!

He will only drag you further into the mire of gaslighting and lies and secrecy if you put up with this, and you’ll end up losing all self worth, and will never stop doubting yourself, ever.

I say chuck the slug out if you can (easier said than done I know) but absolutely nothing less than him fucking grovelling and apologising profusely will do.

Actually, yes, this!

He never thought you'd act like this means he thought he'd get away with messaging another woman and you'd never suspect. He's trying to guilt trip you Op but who knows where this could have gone, emotional affair ot full blown sexual affair in time. If he feels the spark has gone between you then why didn't he try to put the fun back instead of going straight to being a sleeze

Oh god this is awful, it tends to mean that something more has happened or that he wants more to happen. Its never good. Now he is conveniently letting you know that he feels the spark has gone from the relationship - cliché.

An adult way of dealing with this would have been to have a conversation with you first and foremost, rather than start texting a random young thing about her arse. God some people make me cringe.

Im so sorry, I hope this has given you the ick.

I’m sorry op, what a horrible thing to have to deal with.
Unfortunately his response is 100% “normal” for the people who do this sort of thing. It comes down to cognitive dissonance - his behaviour and his beliefs don’t match.

He KNOWS he is behaving like a complete twat, he is betraying his marriage vows and being a vile human. But he wants to do it so he justifies it with “it’s only messages”, or “she will never find out so it won’t hurt her” or “she is neglecting me/not paying me attention so I deserve this” etc.
It is all utter bullshit, of course. It’s mental gymnastics to attempt to justify behaviour which he knows is wrong. But he has been using those mental gymnastics for some time. So of course when confronted, that’s the shite that comes out of his mouth.

A lot of people, when actually faced with what they’ve done and the devastation they’ve caused, and what they stand to loose, snap out of it. They wake up, take responsibility and try to fix things. Some don’t of course and they go on to continue to be the same twat in this and any future relationships.
The question for you op is, even if he DOES “wake up”, would you still want him? Your checking his phone is a massive red herring, as you well know. The issue is his shitty behaviour and a pp called it correctly….would he honestly accept you behaving like that? You know the answer. Good luck xx

He ws a manager when she joined? Does he usually groom newbies and juniors into normalising sexual harassment in the workplace? He uses the language of 'pulling' for colleagues? Man should be out of a job or go work on an oil rig or as a sheep shearer. His reaction just tells me that for him, all women are fair game, and there have been or will be others he goes after.

The face-burying comment was to force OP to imagine that scenario...to frighten and disgust her with a 'maybe' or an 'as if'.

You deserve so much better than this disrespectful man, OP. Do you work or volunteer or go out regularly for any reason (a club, a community activity)? Do you want to?

🦆🦆🦆

Well the first scenario is manipulative, and the second is aggressive. He needs to wake up to much more than an individual betrayal of OP. He sounds like a senior workplace creep and a patronising misogynist partner. There is a deepseated attitude problem.

Ask him what HR would make of the messages.

This won't be his first rodeo, for sure.

You don't go from nothing to full on "walk by and show me your arse again". It is just the first time he has been found out.

I just wish the woman he sent that too would report him to HR

Is this the same OP whose DH said how gorgeous her friend was and when called on it said “what? It’s not like I said I want to bury my face in her arse?”

if not, how depressing that there’s two of them out there using the same delightful expressions.

Hes doing the my life is horrible my wife doesnt understand me and now the bloody woman is checking my phone and doesnt trust me after everything i do for her,.how dare she treat me like this, ..i would tell him he can.do.one with madam trousers and goodbye

this is gaslighting. He’s trying to turn the trust part of it around on you when he’s the one who’s betrayed your trust! What a see you next Tuesday

To be honest his reaction would be the nail in the coffin for me. I think the texts are grim, and obviously if it is an affair that would be deeply shitty and devastating. But even if it is all as “innocent” as he says (deeply NOT innocent/OK texts, so far beyond a reasonable banter or small flirt), the fact that he can’t put his hands up and say I’m so sorry. I’m upset you looked through my phone etc etc., but I’m sorry, you’re right, I shouldn’t send those texts.

And not only not holding hands up and apologising but instead making a comment that is indirectly very cruel about you.

I’d sooner forgive if it had been a (small) affair and he was deeply repentant than whatever this is. Nah. In the bin.

As if what he's done isn't bad enough (and that's just what you know of it), his reaction to you calling him out on it is actually worse!!

What sort of position are you in if you split?
If this happened to me I would love to just kick him out and act like he's just a minor inconvenience in my life. I'd be cold and unemotional, and tell him you made a mistake tying yourself to someone like him.

Easier said than done, but what a monumental shithead. I don't think I could recover from his reaction. He's looking for you to apologise to him and beg for forgiveness, like you're the one in the wrong, and most importantly - never question him or look at his phone again, so he can do whatever he wants.

Tell him to fuck off out the marriage then the cheeky fucker. He’s counting on you panicking and being contrite. Stand your ground and tell him he’s lost your trust.

Absolutely this! So sorry OP, what an awful thing to discover.

I'd be interested in whether someone's mobile phone IS indeed protected in law as a 'personal device' - I would bet the farm that it isn't. Loads of people share their phones, tablets, etc. As far as I'm aware there is no legal way to register yourself as the legal holder of a phone.

Do you usually victim-blame?

I'm glad you've got support today OP.

I know it can be really overwhelming when everyone is giving different advice and your head is spinning, especially as it's your world that has come crashing down around you.

Only you can know if this is something you can get beyond and whether or not you believe him.

Personally, the way he reacted when he came back would have been the nail in the coffin for me. At no point has he shown remorse, apologised, begged for forgiveness or even admitted he is in the wrong.

He's clearly gone off, orchestrated this plan in his head for talking his way out of it. He hasn't cared one smidgen about your feelings and that tells me that he's checked out of the relationship, regardless of this incident. All he cares about is saving face.

If it were me: I'd send him a message while he is at work (knowing he will be sweating on it all day and then not answering my phone to him) saying...

For someone who has been caught sending personal and flirtatious messages, emotionally cheating, (and for all I know, worse may have happened) you have a ridiculous amount of audacity to try and twist the situation to make me appear the 'bad guy'.
My intuition was proved correct. At no point have you apologised, been remorseful or even considered how I might be feeling.
It is very clear to me that you no longer love me or have respect for me. Therefore, our marriage is over.

However, you are not me and discussing things with your friend will help as she knows the ins and outs of your life, so could give advice based on better understanding of the situation and marriage.

Just please please don't let him get into your head and let you take any blame in this. He is the only one in the wrong here. He is gaslighting you. You deserve SO much more.❤️
Whatever you decide, I hope you are ok. You are strong and can get through this.

It isn't gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person causes someone to doubt their perception of reality, memory, or sanity.

Op hes completely twisted this so he’s not the one to be blamed for anything - you are. And the fact that he’s had doubts for a while? More ammunition for him to blame you.
Do not defend yourself because it’s jot your fault. When he tries, flip the conversation back to him and say you’re talking about his betrayal, not his excuses and blaming you for it.

I wouldn't waste my time typing that

But he is trying to get her to doubt reality, he's trying to get her to think she is the abusive one who is in the wrong by looking at his phone - when he is the piece of shit for discussing a coworkers arse with her.

Your reply should have been
well you have plenty of time to practice as we are done for good

Leave this shit he couldnt even say anything to try and make you feel a bit better.