Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

Where the messages on iMessage? Does he have any other devices logged in iCloud - iPad, laptop, watch etc. I’d be scouring them all. Or even if he has WhatsApp ? If he deletes iMessage in his phone they won’t be deleted from other devices or shown in recently deleted. Mind you, even not doing this what you’ve seen is enough.

The thing is OP - if he’d said, “I’m so sorry, you’re right I crossed a line. Nothing happened, and I do want to be with you above all things. Work is so bloody boring and I let myself forget for a moment that I shouldn’t be flirting other members of staff, even if she joins in or enjoys the attention. It won’t happen again. Let me show you, I’ll make it up to you.”

And then was lovely and contrite and you had amazing sex and he told you how gorgeous you are…well? This would be a very different thread.

But in fact he has been absolutely horrible. Not just “not sorry” but actively horrible to you - the person he has allegedly chosen as his life partner. He has set out to belittle you, upset you, blame you. How can a man who loves you behave like that? He can’t. He doesn’t love you.

I think for those reasons, the relationship is over.

You should have responded to that either

‘That is an incredibly nasty thing to say to me, designed to make me feel bad about myself’

or ‘so your intent is there, she just doesn’t find you attractive enough. You realise you have just told me that you would have an affair given the opportunity?’

‘’ ie absolutely nothing, whilst inwardly confirming to yourself what a nasty man he is, and that you should divorce.

@ExasperatedIs who cares if he is having an affair?

He is HORRIBLE.

OP needs to calmly sort her act out (hello little ducks, please form an orderly queue ) and get outta there.

Keep times and dates (or just reference back to here!) Of all these comments most importantly is how they made you feel, as a solicitor will be able to use them effectively in negotiations, if you decide to take that route.

On the upside "he's giving you lots of ammunition!)

Make notes of his change in behaviour and what started to arouse your suspicions. Again, times, dates etc, He's not being terribly clever is he? Sending his creepy texts knowing you knew his PIN?

Rubbish. It is illegal to access someone's devices without their express permission, as per the Computer Misuse Act 1990. Obviously, no one really cares and the police would not be interested. The fact that you're married to someone does not give you the right to break the law and spy on them or track their location.

Really she should apologize???

They both have each other's login and she has valid reason and concerns to check simple. Don't turn it on her saying she should apologize, that's absolute rubbish.

I do not mean she will actually do it. I meant to see how he will wrangle out of his "its not a big deal" attitude. But yes, its time for OP to move on

OP echoing what others have said and thinking. You deserve so much better than him. What makes him think he deserves you?
kick him out and try and get on with your life!!
you’ll be child free every other weekend… how terrible (not) does that sound!! X

Change the locks.

Classic DARVO. I'm sorry op. LTB. xx

Husband, I'm really seeing you in a new light since discovering those messages. Not only are you a grim sleazy cheat you are a cowardly walking cliché trying to turn it around on me, justify it with claims of distance and insult me by saying you couldn't pull anyone who looked like her. I could not be more turned off you right now. You don't even have the balls to man up and admit you've been caught. How pathetic. I'll be contacting my solicitor. You repulse me.

Exactly this!!!! OP, please have enough respect for yourself not to run after him!! He’s probably sh*ting himself more about his job than anything else. So sorry this happened to you - just remember that you are raising a DS who needs morally sound male role models who show him how to behave respectfully!

She was given permission by him giving her his login details without telling her she could not use them except for specific purposes.

Get real this is a marriage, nobody would seriously consider charging her with any criminal offence here.

He just kept shaking his head saying he didn’t think I was capable of doing that I expect you didn’t think he was capable of hurting you this badly, so looks like you’ve both been disappointed, doesn’t it?!

Also said he has had some doubts for a while now, not feeling the love in our relationship and that the spark isn’t there Oh here we go, what a cliche. This is designed to make you panic that you’re about to lose him. You haven’t made enough of an effort to keep things exciting and I haven’t felt loved enough by you, so instead of me making an effort and/or talking to you about it, I had no option but to look elsewhere. This is all your fault really, I’m the injured party here.

He said the messages were harmless and just making a dull work day go by Would he have said those words in front of you? Would he be fine with you saying those words to a handsome man at your work? Of course he bloody wouldn’t. Because he’s fully aware that they aren’t harmless.

He doesn’t see the issue because in his words it’s not like he told her he wants to bury his face in her arse. He was just being jokey He does see the issue. He just wants to make you think you’re over reacting. And if he’s been different with his phone, what other messages have been sent? Why would he delete them if they were harmless and there was nothing wrong with them? More importantly, why would he delete them if he never thought you’d ever look at his phone? He’s been covering his tracks.

He says there’s nothing too it at all and I’m being paranoid to think so. I was upset at this point and went to bed, he’s already left for work So as far as he’s concerned, the matter is over and there’s nothing else to discuss? Well fuck him and the horse he rode in on! That’s your choice, not his.

For me, it would be marriage ending. Not just because of the messages but the comments about missing the spark and having doubts would make me think that he’s just waiting for the opportunity to have a full blown affair. I’m certainly not convinced this isn’t a full blown affair. If it’s not, I’d say it’s definitely heading that way.

I don’t think you’ve got a good man here. I don’t think he loves or respects you and I think he’d probably jump into bed with the first woman who invited him. It’s a huge, huge thing to end a marriage, especially when you don’t have concrete proof that he’s physically cheated. But I think he’s crossed the line between a casual admiring glance and has gone onto full blown emotional betrayal. He’s told you that he’s not happy in your marriage and his actions have told you that he’ll look elsewhere before trying to work on his relationship with you. That would be enough for me to lose all trust in him forever. I think you should ask yourself if you would ever have a moment’s peace again if you let this go.

If you’ve ever tried to raise a legitimate concern with someone, only to walk away feeling like you were the one in the wrong, you may have experienced DARVO.

It’s a manipulation tactic that leaves victims doubting their own reality. And in legal settings across Windsor, London, and throughout the UK, it’s becoming increasingly recognised by judges, solicitors, and family courts as a hallmark of abusive behaviour

What Does DARVO Stand For?
DARVO is an acronym that describes a three-stage manipulation tactic:

• Deny – “That never happened.”
• Attack – “You’re crazy/lying/vindictive.”
• Reverse Victim and Offender – “Actually, I’m the real victim here.”

https://judgelaw.co.uk/divorce-family-law/what-is-darvo-manipulation-uk-law-guide/

Somehow the nasty gaslighting feels even worse than the messaging. Don't let him do that to you OP. This isn't a 50/50. He betrayed you - and now he's wriggling around trying to make you the bad guy. I'd also be concerned as to why they still had each other's numbers at all seeing as they're no longer on the same team. Personally, I don't think I could come back from this. But whatever you do, don't let him convince you that you're in the wrong. Nasty little man.

My jaw literally dropped when I read your post OP 💐 sending you strength to get an outcome that works for you x i have a ‘cheaters tale’ & allowed myself to be manipulated & gaslighted for years after, it destroyed me in many ways, don’t be like me

He's still on the attack, sorry to say. He's being manipulative, trying to make you feel daft, try to make you worry this is the end of the relationship and blame you for it (by saying he doesn't feel the love etc) and downplaying a serious incident.

Am sorry OP. The only thing he should've done when he came home was say sorry over and over again and beg your forgiveness.

I appreciate everyone’s supportive replies, it’s a non working day for me so I’m meeting a friend this morning who I know will give me good advice.

Good for you op.

Scum

He's trying to claim the moral high ground over the phone snooping when he has messaging another woman that way.

His anger doesn't change that it is wrong of him to be messaging her. If he has been "secretive" with his phone recently, it wasn't a one of conversation either.

You deserve better @Welshie2

Please give it a rest. He's a cheat and liar and she has valid reasons to check her husband's phone. Stop trying to make her the bad person here, they are married and they have each other's pins and he have her a reason to check.

All he is doing now is trying to deflect and turn it on her to get away with what he is doing, simple.

Trying to claim OP is being abusive is absolutely rubbish.

This. The op is in distress. Literally no one cares that she had technically broken some vague law. A court of actual law wouldn’t care. Are you her DH or something? The operative point here is that her husband has hurt her badly. She doesn’t need you harping on about how she is ‘abusive’ for following her instincts and checking on what he has been doing. She isnt. Pack it in.