Husband has stormed out because I found messages on his phone

[Welshie2]

My husband has been acting strange/secretive with his phone for a couple of weeks now so I took it on myself to look at his phone. Yes I know it’s morally dodgy but we have each others log ins and I looked at it whilst he was feeding DS dinner (it was charging upstairs).

There is a woman who is obviously a co-worker. I only had time to look at messages from the past two days. He was in the office today. He messaged her to say please walk past my desk again so I can look at your arse. She said she’d be back up in an hour and she will walk slowly this time. He then messaged again (after about an hour) to say that was the highlight of his afternoon to which she replied she knew her trousers would get attention today and sent a peach symbol. That was the last message.

I confronted him straight away and he stormed off and hasn’t come home yet. Said how dare I look at his phone. I have tried to call him and he just declined the call. He sent a text to say I’ve betrayed his trust and he can’t believe I did that instead of speaking to him.

Am I wrong to have done this, I think that if you know something is up then it’s within your right to investigate?

He’s trying to make you feel shit as he got caught - he’s cheating

to me Cheating is the same - whether it’s flirting /sexting/kissing/meeting/sex

it’s all with intent

only you can decide whether this is enough to divorce or to try and mend - this his last comment would be making me I think u can do better than him

Also was having a good attempt. He was previously in a senior position to her.

Observe him closely now, get an appointment with a solicitor ASAP, if only to be fully appraised of your options, it will help you feel more in control. Keep calm, if he continues with the gaslighting (likely) think about getting some space for yourself.

Ducks in a row copies of all financial matters.

Good luck

No you weren't unreasonable

Wow!! He flipped that around quickly!!

He 100% has been thinking about “burying his face in her arse”. When people use phrases like that so quickly, it’s because it was on his mind. Grim!!

Then to have the audacity to blame you for checking his phone (quick twist to make you the wrong doer), to say that he doesn’t “feel the love” in his marriage (making you play the pick me dance and prove him wrong!!), state that he couldn’t get someone that looks like that (not through want or trying!!).

Arsehole. I’d be furious at his reaction OP.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, OP. You deserve so much better. Please move forward knowing that.

Eh ???? Bit topsy turvy.... YOU'RE supposed to be the one walking out, no ? You have every right to dig if you suspect he's up to something, because he's generally not planning a surprise party for you. You are the queen of your castle because, behaving in that manner, he sure enough is not the king. More like the court jester. You've done nothing wrong my love.

You've done nothing wrong. He's disgusting and trying to blame you.
How lovely that he's openly told you how he finds her very attractive also.

He is literally turning it around on you so it’s your fault and make you feel guilty and apologise - in effect last h him of the hook!!
I’m sorry @Welshie2 he’s showing his guilt in his behaviour and whilst I never post here saying you should leave or kick him out, he IS an absolute shitbag and you deserve better!!!

He just gets worse. What a peach.

The 'spark is gone,the love isn't there like it was'I must have read this 100x over on threads such as these.
So the script begins with rewriting history to his narrative.
Op wishing you the best and sorry dickhead isn't taking responsibility for blowing up your and the children's world.

Posting again to my above message as this has actually really pissed me off. He’s trying to tear you to pieces and reduce you to a blubbering wreck to distract you from what he’s done. He’s trying to punish you for finding out. There’s more to this. And he’s a cunt. A real cunt. Please do not allow yourself to be led down this path.

Hmmmm harmless but I'd love to know how he'd feel if you were acting this way with a man op...

He is gaslighting you. Do not let him feel like you are being irrational. He knows he has done wrong otherwise he wouldn't have left the way he did. He did it to punish you, how dare you question the great man is how he feels! 🤢

Honestly you will never be able to trust him again. I bet this is just scratching the surface of what he has done. And the fact he said do you think I could pull someone like that...

Well he is telling you would do it if she let him. Please let him go, he is not your one. He is disgusting.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. None of this is your fault and you are not in the wrong here. But he will try to make you feel like you are to excuse his actions and he likely won’t even realise he’s doing it.

From experience, the dh you know and love isn’t accessible to you at the minute and the sooner you accept that the easier this will be. You are trying to speak to him logically as you always have but you have to understand that he’s not in a logical or compassionate place at the minute. He will have been justifying his behaviour to himself from before even the first message, while also viewing you and everything you do in a negative light to make himself feel better about what he’s been up to. He will say horrible, hurtful things and blame you in every way he can because that’s easier for him than accepting that he’s the sort of person who deceives and betrays the blameless woman who loves him. This may change in the future but it has to come from him, you can’t force it as much as you may want to.

I know how painful this is and I know this feels impossible at the minute, but try and take care of yourself. Decide what might make you feel even the tiniest bit better and try and do it. I started a new exercise hobby which was my lifeline at the time. Try not to worry about him because I guarantee at this point he is only thinking about himself.

Absolutely complete DARVO. They all do it.

Regardless of his intent towards her or what he meant, his actions have hurt you and not only does he not care or show any regret, but he’s blaming and attacking you. That alone shows he doesn’t love you and is a complete cretin. You deserve better ❤️

So not a redeeming feature in sight so far.
Cheating chancer.
Refuse to discuss it by making it your fault for looking.
Flounce off out for however long.
Return Home to gaslight. I mean, why did you need to know your relationship was in the doldrums before you caught him slipping?
Move on to chiselling away at your self-esteem. I can only get YOU, not HER...

The man is an asshole and you need to let him feel the full brunt of your anger and indignation.
Stop chasing him and don't continue these gaslighting conversations with him.

You need to box clever put your hands up apologise for going through his phone it is a massive breach of privacy take the wind out of his sails
then address the messages

Oh my god, get rid, he sounds awful.

I would rather 💩💩💩 in my hands and clap.

She had consent, he had given her his login.

It’s one thing being a cheater (and making sexualised comments to another person is clearly in the realms of cheating even if that’s all it is), but it’s quite another to gaslight you and spin this around as you breaking the trust in the relationship. He could still be annoyed at you checking his phone at the same time as apologising and saying he’s out of order for what he did.

Are their other aspects of your relationship that aren’t quite right? I’m going to bet there are. I think you should seriously reconsider a future with him, and it’s not about what he’s done (can hear him saying ‘what because I sent two cheeky messages?’) but because of who he is. He’s got no respect for you.

Exactly apologise for fuck all!!
His fuck up is greater than op looking at his phone.

What am absolute shit thing to say!

I hope you're in a position to end this relationship if you want to.

Typical male response. He has been found out, so he tries to spin the blame onto you.

I don’t think this situation is one for tactics. I actually think his response to you is worse than the initial betrayal.

Sorry OP but this isn’t a loving, caring man. I just don’t think you can retrieve this situation because what’s the point in being in a relationship with someone who attacks you when they’re in the wrong? He should be on his knees begging forgiveness but instead he turns it round on you.

How could you trust him if you were ill, disabled, struggling financially, suffering from mental health issues? Answer: you couldn’t. This isn’t a loving, mutually supportive relationship and most of all HE WON’T CHANGE.