Page 13 | Don't understand 100% joint finances

labamba007 · 13/05/2026 19:11

Halfblindbunny · 12/05/2026 21:47

We do 100% joint finances it works perfectly fine because neither of us is financially abusing the other.

This for me too. We know how much for bills and approx how much spending. If he wants to buy something he wants he can, and me too. We both use our brains on what we can afford. It’s never been an issue.

thesealion · 13/05/2026 20:17

Cosimarocks · 13/05/2026 15:31

You seem to be asking something that I answered in my original post – the post you commented on, but clearly didn’t read – but to answer you again: no. No, I don’t believe that if they earn more then they are entitled to more money in a relationship. And that’s the key word really, ‘relationship’. Partnership. Unit. Family.

Money is not the only thing that someone can contribute to a relationship or any situation when it comes to family. There are things like childcare, looking after the house and generally being part of an entity we call a family or a couple. Love.

Deciding that money is the most important thing – and that is what you do when you highlight the earning power of one of other(s) - creates an unfair dynamic and it also disregards contributions to a unit that are not financial.

And, as I said in my first post (which you didn’t read), I’ve often wondered in these relationships what that person does with their money. Do they go on better holidays? Do they go out more? Have more activities? Better gadgets?Do they wear better clothes? Do they lord it over their poorer partner while the lower earning partner has to struggle by?

It seems bizarre and rather cruel.

I earn considerably more than my partner earns. Indeed, I earn considerably more than some of my friends earn. But my partner and those friends are all better educated than me. I just about got a poor degree while they have masters or PhD‘s; and the work they do is far, far, more beneficial to society and the world than what I do. But they work for charities or in education or the arts or healthcare or mental health, some work in research and some battle climate change and save nature. They do wonderful, inspirational, useful, beneficial things. And, as is usually the case in this world, they get paid bugger all for it. I stumbled into the corporate world and make far more than they do. I do nothing beneficial for society and, frankly, my job isn’t hugely demanding or hard. You don’t need to have worked hard at school or university, and you don’t need to be caring or particularly clever. But, because the outcome of what I do is money (profit for the company), I get paid reasonably well. Because the outcome of the work my partner and friends do is healthier, happier, better people or nature or whatever, their work haemorrhages money and they get paid awfully. If I was as clever and talented and hard working as them, I would change careers immediately. My job satisfaction is limited, but at least I get paid ok. And in being paid ok it means that my partner doesn’t need to earn as well. Because we are a couple, a family, a unit, and so we have shared aims and we support each other. And, beyond any financial contribution, my partner puts an awful lot into our family that is worth far more than money.

Yet, people, like you, think that I should reward myself and punish my partner by keeping my hard earned dough?! How small minded and mean.

Again, I ask what do these higher earners do with the money they keep? My investment, my joy, is my family. And so of course we pool our resources.

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It would bring me no joy whatsoever to subsidise another adult. Me as an individual comes before my relationship. Yes, sometimes I do go on more holidays than my partner and buy myself stuff. He chooses to work a low-paid arts job which is great, but we both live in and equally use our home so why shouldn’t we pay 50/50 outgoings? Edited to add that in previous relationships where I was the lower earner I also insisted on 50/50 and separate finances because I don’t feel entitled to someone else’s money.

Cosimarocks · 13/05/2026 20:36

thesealion · 13/05/2026 20:17

It would bring me no joy whatsoever to subsidise another adult. Me as an individual comes before my relationship. Yes, sometimes I do go on more holidays than my partner and buy myself stuff. He chooses to work a low-paid arts job which is great, but we both live in and equally use our home so why shouldn’t we pay 50/50 outgoings? Edited to add that in previous relationships where I was the lower earner I also insisted on 50/50 and separate finances because I don’t feel entitled to someone else’s money.

Edited

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That sounds desperately sad on many levels, and frankly sounds less like something involving love than someone talking about their rather annoying flat mate who struggles to pay his way.

Personally, I like to think that becoming a couple is a creative and brilliant thing. Two people creating something wonderful that they couldn’t achieve on their own. Love rather assumes respect (rather lacking from the way you speak of your partner) and a desire to support and be supported and to build a life together, rather than, say, two people who cohabit and have sex on occasion.

I don’t subsidise my partner, I am just able to put a bit more money into our household. My partner contributes in many a varied and wonderful way. We support each other as we understand that our happiness is a shared thing. If one had to stop work or wanted to change careers the other would support that. Same with spending, we don’t go through out accounts trying to catch the other out. We um… talk. And we built our relationship on respect and trust.

We have financial freedom, but our priority is our shared life and our children.

The way people on MN often talk of their partners - as some feckless prat who can’t be trusted and from whom they are always ensuring their escape plan - I often wonder why they are in a relationship at all.

Pixilicious1 · 13/05/2026 20:41

I think what this thread shows is that there is no one right way to manage finances in a relationship, as long as it suits both partners and they are happy with the arrangement that is all that matters

MustWeDoThis · 13/05/2026 20:59

Lorendo · 12/05/2026 21:45

I know I'll get flamed for this but I don't get it when couples only have joint finances and nothing separate.

Me and DH have a joint account to cover joint expenses (house, cars childcare) etc. We each put same in each month as earn similar.

We also have joint saving pots for certain things where we put certain amount into eg holiday, emergency fund, kids stuff.

That's it. Anything left stays in our separate personal accounts for whatever we please.

This seems like a logical way to do it. All joint obligations are sorted together but we still retain independence with what's left.

A friend of mine only does joint. She only works part time so a different situation to us but husband monitors every penny in and out. If she buys something he doesn't agree with or that she didn't clear with him first, he brings it up.

I told her my arrangement and she just said 'yes well we like to manage all the money together, as a team'. Right ok, sounds more like financial abuse than team work but hey ho

You are unfair to not understand 100% joint accounts

You are not unfair to question financial abuse.

100% joint accounts are fine when both partners are equals and do not control what the other spends. I spend what I like, as does my husband. We are courteous and mindful, but we do not pick on leisurely spends and treats etc.

I think you should have said 'AIBU to not understand financial abuse'.

Thechaseison71 · 13/05/2026 21:07

budgiegirl · 13/05/2026 16:25

But what when the lower earning one is NOT contributing more " in other ways

As long as they are putting in roughly equal hours, then it's fine (work, kids, home etc). If both people in a partnership work full time, but one earns more than the other, then both people need to put in equal time at home as well. But if one is part-time, then they should put in more effort at home. Money shouldn't really come into it - time and effort should.

However, if one partner is not pulling their weight in effort, then there's a bigger problem than earnings in the marriage.

Yeah like my partners ex wife who hates her job so gave it up and wanted a " year off" with him supporting her. Total pisstake. Btw no kids as they had grown up and left home by tgen

moonshineandsun · 13/05/2026 21:53

Thechaseison71 · 13/05/2026 14:22

I wasn't counting children was I. I was speaking about people who choose this

But speaking of children how does it work when the child is only one partners

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But how common is it that someone who is highly career focused and someone who works a few hours a week decide to get together? It’s far more common than people marry people with similar trajectories and then children arrive and it’s a struggle to prioritise both at the same time so someone cuts hours/doesn’t go for promotion etc.

when there are relationship break ups and new relationships formed and children are in the mix - I think they require such careful planning and thinking through (which I don’t think happens in the majority of cases) and it’s a mess, financially, emotionally etc etc. personally if I was ever in that situation, I would be keeping lots more than finances separate until children were more grown up. However, if someone decides to marry someone with children, I can totally understand separate finances - not in the day to day shopping but with inheritance etc.

WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 13/05/2026 22:10

Thechaseison71 · 13/05/2026 21:07

Yeah like my partners ex wife who hates her job so gave it up and wanted a " year off" with him supporting her. Total pisstake. Btw no kids as they had grown up and left home by tgen

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I assume he said no, he wouldn’t be supporting her in these circumstances?

MasterBeth · 13/05/2026 22:21

Lorendo · 12/05/2026 21:45

I know I'll get flamed for this but I don't get it when couples only have joint finances and nothing separate.

Me and DH have a joint account to cover joint expenses (house, cars childcare) etc. We each put same in each month as earn similar.

We also have joint saving pots for certain things where we put certain amount into eg holiday, emergency fund, kids stuff.

That's it. Anything left stays in our separate personal accounts for whatever we please.

This seems like a logical way to do it. All joint obligations are sorted together but we still retain independence with what's left.

A friend of mine only does joint. She only works part time so a different situation to us but husband monitors every penny in and out. If she buys something he doesn't agree with or that she didn't clear with him first, he brings it up.

I told her my arrangement and she just said 'yes well we like to manage all the money together, as a team'. Right ok, sounds more like financial abuse than team work but hey ho

Well, we have a joint account but I don't have a husband who, if I buy something he doesn't agree with or that I don't clear with him first, he brings up.

ResultsMayVary · 13/05/2026 22:42

If you don't pool money what happens if one loses a job, or has an accident, or the childcare means one is no longer able to continue with the highly paid job? How are other non monetary contributions looked at?
I don't understand how it is a marriage.
Had my husband had that attitude when he was the higher income earner he'd be regretting it now that I have much more money. I can't imagine living a very comfortable retirement while he was sraping by. I guess he'd need to divorce me to gain his fair share?

thesealion · 14/05/2026 00:20

Cosimarocks · 13/05/2026 20:36

That sounds desperately sad on many levels, and frankly sounds less like something involving love than someone talking about their rather annoying flat mate who struggles to pay his way.

Personally, I like to think that becoming a couple is a creative and brilliant thing. Two people creating something wonderful that they couldn’t achieve on their own. Love rather assumes respect (rather lacking from the way you speak of your partner) and a desire to support and be supported and to build a life together, rather than, say, two people who cohabit and have sex on occasion.

I don’t subsidise my partner, I am just able to put a bit more money into our household. My partner contributes in many a varied and wonderful way. We support each other as we understand that our happiness is a shared thing. If one had to stop work or wanted to change careers the other would support that. Same with spending, we don’t go through out accounts trying to catch the other out. We um… talk. And we built our relationship on respect and trust.

We have financial freedom, but our priority is our shared life and our children.

The way people on MN often talk of their partners - as some feckless prat who can’t be trusted and from whom they are always ensuring their escape plan - I often wonder why they are in a relationship at all.

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I really love and respect my partner. But we are not a single unit, we are two individuals choosing to be together unless and until one or both of us no longer wants that. The life we have now might not be forever because nobody can predict the future. For example I want to move abroad but it would be much harder for him for logistical and work reasons so there might come a time that I temporarily go alone or spend a few months a year in another country. I hope we’d stay together but who knows if it isn’t logistically possible? I love my partner but I also have a dream I want to achieve and they’re of equal importance. Maybe the balance will shift one way or the other, who knows?

That’s my approach to any relationship, nothing particular to my partner.

JJMama · 14/05/2026 07:55

Your friend is experiencing financial abuse. However this is done by the ‘joint finances’ thing, but not all those who have joint finances are experiencing abuse.

When I was married we had joint and separate. Thank God we did as he’s financially inept. Won’t be getting joint anything with anyone, anytime soon!

Littlecrake · 14/05/2026 09:54

I don't really understand the 'mine to do with whatever I please' aspect you are talking about being a benefit of separate finances. Assuming you are happily married, what long term stuff would you want to do that you might need separate money for?

I have a mini break every year with my friend. Depending on where we go and for how long it’s usually £400-£800. I work overtime and save in a monzo pot for it - I don’t even leave it in my normal current account. I’m in surplus at the moment but it’s earmarked and I don’t want it in a general pot able to be claimed for other things. I’ve made other big purchases just for me eg my sewing machine which I’ve saved for and I also have a massage every so often at £60 a go. If I had one every month if would be £720 a year I’d pissed away on just myself. DH has a more expensive car - it cost almost 3x as much as mine and the maintainance is much more as it’s very high mileage now and he loves it like a child so won’t trade it in for something that works. He also has a more expensive phone. He wants those things - he doesn’t want a sewing machine and can visit a garden centre untempted. It’s not just big things, it’s the tiny everyday purchase - I know I can buy those oil paints or bedding plants or wool or go for a night out with friends because I know the money in my account is reliable - I put it in - I take it out. I’m not going to get to the checkout and need to read the statements to see how much has gone on engine oil and sandwiches. We have had periods over the last 30 years where we have had nothing - less than nothing - and neither of us could by so much as a pack of gum without worrying about it and other periods where we’ve been pretty stable and could by most “normal” things and be confident there would be money there without checking, but huge chunks of the time, like now with a business start up and 2 kids at university- things such as a coffee with a friend or something wanted, not needed, has to be considered. I want to be able to do my own considering and reckoning without worrying if DH is already in the queue at KFC or is about to press checkout on his asos basket. I want to think “I will be able to afford X if I don’t have Y” rather than “I can definitely afford X, and DH will not be able to get Y because the account will be cleaned out” irregardless of how “sensible” X or Y is. It would work for us if we bought nothing - or if we had enough money to buy everything but we are not there. We can’t just “use our brains” to know what the other is spending - we would have to actually ask. We can’t just just buy whatever we like without reckoning it.

MissMaryBennet · 14/05/2026 18:03

@Littlecrake thank you for answering my question. I understand if you have relatively high 'discretionary' spending that it just makes things easier if you have a set pot to do that from - then there is no temptation for the other person to worry that you are over spending or comment on how you spend your money.

Wamid · 14/05/2026 18:29

When we were first married we had a joint account, which was fine then, credit cards did not exist. When the children were born DH gave me the cash for supermarket shopping etc and he paid the bills. We got in a muddle as we had slot meter electric (cooking, washing machine), coal fires for heating and hot water. I was SAHM so I took over all the finances and used a Post Office account.

Eventually I went back to work FT. Our arrangement is that I buy all monthly shopping (food etc) plus my own clothing and extras for home that I fancy/want. DH pays for everything else as he has higher income. We also have a joint account for household bills.

distinctpossibility · 14/05/2026 18:36

We just have everything joint. I have never asked for money, ever, even when I didn't do paid work for 8 years.

I see it as completely equal as we each put 100% of our resources in the pot. Time, money, skills. We are incredibly happy after nearly 20 years.

I think maybe it makes a difference if you both have nothing when you start out maybe? We met as teens so 100% of our resources was fuck all. We have built our little modest empire completely together. If we ever break up - and we might - then it will be horrific and messy. Finances will be just one of many things that are completely intertwined.

doyathinkso · 14/05/2026 18:39

drspouse · 12/05/2026 21:51

We have 100% joint but we each have a credit card that the other one could have a card on but doesn't. We pay them both from the joint account. I use mine to buy DH presents (I assume he does the same) so it's a suprise.

This is what we do, but I dont think this would solve OP's friend's problem because it would be likely her CC bill would get scrutinised heavily and she would not really be free to spend money on it as she liked. The problem is that the friend is being financially abused. That's not necessarily a function of joint money, as pp have already pointed out.

The time I came out worse in a relationship financially was when we put an agreed amount to cover bills into joint account and kept everything else for ourselves, but my then P did not pay for anything extra, so I bought all meals out, stuff for the house we wanted/needed and paid for quite a few of our holidays or most of them while he kept saving. Took me several years to work out how much he'd saved for himself while I supported our lifestyle. Being in a relationship with an arse is just that, regardless of how you sort out money.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 15/05/2026 10:17

DisappointingAvocado · 13/05/2026 09:27

By your logic, so could I! We completely trust each other not to do that.

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This is true you could!

i trust my husband too!

but I also know things can change suddenly - anyone can have an affair or decide to leave - even very happy seeming marriages

I just think it’s foolish to not have your own money.

Mama2many73 · 15/05/2026 11:36

I earn about ¼ of dh wage.everythibg goes into joint account.
We transfer to joint savings and we have an individual isa which each gets equal amounts in. We also have a joint isa type account.
We can each spend what we like, we dobt ask permission, however would never do a large purchase ie car, without discussing with each other, thats just respect!!
We have absolutely NO arguments/ disagreements about finance . Its worked for us for 29 yrs even when we were cash strapped!

HasDepth · 15/05/2026 13:57

Cosimarocks · 13/05/2026 20:36

That sounds desperately sad on many levels, and frankly sounds less like something involving love than someone talking about their rather annoying flat mate who struggles to pay his way.

Personally, I like to think that becoming a couple is a creative and brilliant thing. Two people creating something wonderful that they couldn’t achieve on their own. Love rather assumes respect (rather lacking from the way you speak of your partner) and a desire to support and be supported and to build a life together, rather than, say, two people who cohabit and have sex on occasion.

I don’t subsidise my partner, I am just able to put a bit more money into our household. My partner contributes in many a varied and wonderful way. We support each other as we understand that our happiness is a shared thing. If one had to stop work or wanted to change careers the other would support that. Same with spending, we don’t go through out accounts trying to catch the other out. We um… talk. And we built our relationship on respect and trust.

We have financial freedom, but our priority is our shared life and our children.

The way people on MN often talk of their partners - as some feckless prat who can’t be trusted and from whom they are always ensuring their escape plan - I often wonder why they are in a relationship at all.

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Fair enough. All people who could not find a proper love should be all alone and miserable and poorer for the sake of it...or rather : even though life gives us hardships and marriage is hard, some imperfect things are worth fighting for