Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

[KiggiCalli]

I would like to take my daughter to Africa on holiday. For context, I am Black British and my husband is white. He does not like long-haul flights and is refusing to agree to the trip. His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again, and that we should choose a closer destination such as Europe instead.
My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go.

My husband is threatening to divorce me, should I go ahead and book the holiday?

Oh I see you want to go to a different country. I don’t get the relevance of your heritage as that is not where you are travelling to anyway.

Can you not simply pick a compromise location.

Depends on the country. There is huge amounts of diversity Jo’Berg and Cape Town reminded me far more of London that Rome or Madrid.

Absolutely nobody's said or implied that Africa's homogeneous, have they?!

The point is that there are blindingly obvious differences between Africa and Europe. Show someone an everyday crowd scene in Greece or Finland, they will not think it was taken in any African country.

This line of thinking goes "Because countries differ within continents, there is no difference between continents." Bonkers, innit?

So you are black British, your daughter is half white British, half black British and he is her biological dad from so far on this thread..correct? Do you have family ties to Africa /South Africa e.g. grandparents and are you going because of something like that or are you just going because you like it & what to visit? There is a South African at work (white) who said it's not that safe. Is this the reason why /is it financial reasons he's given ? Either way...its a bit weird (e.g. manipulative/controlling ) for hubby to threaten divorce just because he doesn't want to go /doesn't want you to go?

Would depend what image you showed them. Yes the skin tone of the people maybe different but that’s it (and not even then if you were looking at a crowd of people in Italy or Greece vs. Morocco or Tunisia.)

This 🖕

Call his bluff.

It's not ok to threaten divorce.

That threat didn't materialise put of nowhere.

It's born of some deep hostility or resentment or desire to exercise power over you. None of that is good.

Absolutely this..but as others have said threatening divorce over this is way over the top

you're married to a racist

He believes a family should holiday together not separately

What that actually boils down to is that he believes the family should holiday where he says, not where you would choose. He is willing to impose his choice by threats.

I don't think I'd stay together another day, tbf.

He doesn't care at all about 'family' or 'togetherness'. He cares about making you submit to his will.

Threatening divorce makes no sense but a lot of this makes no sense. Mentioning her daughter’s (but not her own) heritage despite not planning to go to that country anyway.

The husband not wanting to do long haul to an African country but happy with Vietnam.

OP referring repeatedly to “my” daughter.

Then threatening divorce over a holiday you are not paying for?

There is a lot of context missing.

Have you considered dropping him off in Europe on the way? Perhaps by parachute?

Honestly. What a stupid stance for him to take. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity for you and your daughter. It is his choice not to go. As for divorcing you because of it, he sounds terribly controlling.

What about a closer north African country if it's the long haul thing he's bothered about?

lots of context missing besides I think anyone planning long haul currently is mad, like who know what way the fuel shortages are going to go or indeed prices?

What is the most relevant point to me, is the fact that he is so willing to mention divorce.
Is this manipulation? Is there something more to this story? Because if not, Id be quietly making my own plans for divorce.
Id not be taking those sort of threats lying down and he'd be in for a very nasty shock - at my leisure- if hes making empty threats.
I totally get the idea of a family holiday and could see his point, but if hes willing to threaten divorce that easily then id venture to suggest that this family is not that important to him, but getting his own way is.

He is being controlling and overreacting ….. I’m wondering about where his behaviour is coming from.

does he have some type of fear underlying the behaviour? If you can find out this you can probably address it

The Africa part isn’t relevant though if it’s not your home country, it’s just a random holiday then that he doesn’t want you and your daughter alone to go on, and wants to go elsewhere?? By pointing out she’s mixed race, you made it sound like something it’s not?

Threatening to divorce to divorce over a family holiday is insane though, but I think the mixed race + African country bit is a little irrelevant unless there’s a broader backstory

Sounds like there must be something else going on OP. What is your marriage like in general? Has he threatened to divorce before? I agree with other commenters that threatening to divorce over a holiday is extreme and unreasonable. I am assuming though that this is not out of the blue? I would be wary of controlling behaviour like this. Especially if you are paying, you are allowed to go on holiday somewhere even if your DH doesn’t want to go. He can’t make you stay at home. Could you book a short stay somewhere local as well to pacify him?

I wonder what his grounds for divorce will be ? 🙄🙄🙄
Will you miss him if he divorces you ? If not, he can jog on to Europe. You may have a better time with you and your daughter anyway. He's not nice.

I have lived with or married women of 5 different races, colours and cultures and benefited hugely

Has he explained why he doesn't want to go? To threaten divorce he must feel strongly about it.

I would do more research and show him where abouts you want to go. Show him the place you want to go to and the tours and hotels ect. Some reviews from people would be good as well. Africa can be a daunting place for someone to visit because some places gets bad press and can be dangerous. I think at 13 your child will be ok on a long haul flight so I wouldn't worry about that.

I won't pretend to know loads about Africa OP but I do know that it's incredibly culturally diverse probably even more so than Europe. If you aren't even planning on going to your country of birth then is your daughter really going to be able to embrace this side of her heritage? Or are you using this to try and get your own way? If she was half Japanese, for example, would you not find it a bit ridiculous if DH started insisting he wanted to visit Vietnam for dd to 'experience her heritage'... That said neither of you should be threatening divorce over a holiday. That's ridiculous. You need to seriously unpick that either privately or in counselling.

It’s literally in the quote you cited that she hasn’t.

i guess you have embraced their cultures then unlike OPs husband.