Husband threatening divorce over a holiday.

[KiggiCalli]

I would like to take my daughter to Africa on holiday. For context, I am Black British and my husband is white. He does not like long-haul flights and is refusing to agree to the trip. His view is that because I visited South Africa four years ago, there is no need for us to travel to Africa again, and that we should choose a closer destination such as Europe instead.
My daughter, who is of mixed African heritage, has never been to Africa and is devastated that she is not being allowed to go.

My husband is threatening to divorce me, should I go ahead and book the holiday?

Book the holiday. Your DH is an arsehole and sounds controlling.

Book the holiday! You have a chance to do it and your daughter gets the opportunity to see a whole different culture. Life throws unexpected things at you from time to time so if you have the chance to go now, do it! Don’t feel guilty. If your husband can’t get on board, I suggest he sees a therapist

Totally agree with the sentiment but you do need the other parent's permission to take a child aboard. So OP will have to negotiate with someone prepared to emotionally blackmail

I agree with you. But what does it say about MN that this is even necessary.

Would he go elsewhere in Africa that is closer? Morocco or Tunisia? Egypt?

He obviously doesn’t get it and is being a knob. Book it anyway if you can afford to.

First of all, it does sound controlling to be threatening divorce over this topic.

However:

It makes a difference that this isn't a country you have a connection to. If you had extended family there, were visiting with them, or something along those lines, I could see a bit of an argument there.

The prices for flying to SA have rocketed up (I know because a friend was planning on taking her family for a big trip as they are from there) and presumably you are also booking a resort or something if you are saying it's a safe destination. It's a lot of money for one person to be declaring they will be spending on a holiday.

I guess he has the option to spend similar money to do his own thing, if everyone is doing this as a one-off?

Or maybe you could stop off somewhere in between to shorten the flights? Two days in Spain/Cairo/Marrakesh and then on to Cape Town/Jburg?

Just go. And while you are out there think if that man is really for you. I'm Latin and my husband is from USA. We travel together, alone, our child with one of us. I mean I travel a lot only with my kid , it's even better that way. Doesn't like long hauls? Well . ..stay. my husband have asked me.. do you want to go to usa this year. . nah .. just go with our daughter. It's good to be in your own country with your kid speaking your own language being you. If your husband agrees now, trust me he will be a drag and extremely annoying, might even get sick and put it on you . Oh I told you we shouldn't have come! If my husband says the word divorce over a stupid immature thing like a holiday, means something one thing. He wants out the easy way.

Hello lovely, I've just travelled to South Africa with my mixed heritage children because like yourself you want your children to know her history her heritage and like myself my daughter has been asking many questions about race, where she is from, why isn't she white etc which is absolutely heartbreaking! Not enough representation for her to feel happy in her skin! So I was soo happy and proud to take both my daughters to see Africa and know that they are not alone in this world there are many of her skin tone in Africa! It's very important to do this! I was in the same situation without the threat of divorce! It was so tough to get the green card but I had to reassure my husband I'd be safe, I'd look after ourselves, reassurance is key! He might be really uneasy about this, imagine reading all the bad things portrayed about Africa online?? My husband always shows me this but I have to constantly remind him not all areas are like this and to stop tarnishing the whole country and nation like this! Luckily I have family there so this was easier to navigate but I totally understand your husbands concern! Threatening divorce proves his level of concern so maybe try to give him reassurance like a plan of your travel? Family you'll stay by? The area you'll stay by, Google the crime rate and show him? This isn't a joke for you both, divorce is drastic but you can do this! Please take your daughter it's soo important! My daughter is now much happier with her skin tone less of the wanting to be white and appreciative of knowing Africa her heritage and I'm sooo happy too! Good luck

I think he's completely unreasonable. What's his issues? Is he afraid? Is the cost too high? What are his concerns that he objects to the travels so much?

Quite reasonable assumption when the OP referred to "my" rather than "our" daughter.

If he’s worried about safety when OP has said she is going to a safe place then he needs to educate himself

many many places in Africa (I wish we could be more specific here as there are rather a lot of countries!) are safer than Vietnam, the long haul place he wants to go

Africa is a big continent. Are you taking her to Nigeria or somewhere he might have legitimate safety concerns or are you going on safari which is expensive?

He is dramatic. Has he heard of making a compromise before packing his bags.

European countries are more similar to each other than to African countries.

If you look at photos of a busy marketplace, you'll be able to tell whether it's in Africa or Europe.

I'm not sure whether the many replies like this are from people who've never experienced culture shock, so can't imagine it, or are just tedious nitpickers.

She isn’t going to visit her country though. She is visiting a random country in the same continent as some relatives are from.

I have been very lucky visit many countries in Africa, on various styles of trip (Safari, visiting family and friends) and can totally understand wanting to visit with your daughter, especially as you have heritage there. I have a very young child and plan to take her for a safari in a couple years and hopefully visit friends. I hope your husband comes round to the idea, and falls in love with the continent. One of the of the bonuses too is very little jet lag.

Your DH is being very controlling and threatening divorce over a holiday is ridiculous. There must be more issues in your marriage than that.

That said, @KiggiCalli, if your heritage/family has no links to the country you are thinking about visiting, I think any argument about your daughter linking with her African heritage is on very shaky grounds. I know this is not the basis for your own argument, but it seems to be an assumption that PPs are making.

I am not expert on these things, but I would imagine someone from Ethiopia for example could be offended if someone suggested that taking an Ethiopian child living outside of Africa to Botswana on holiday would give that child any idea of what it means to be Ethiopian, just because they are both in Africa. It would be like taking an Irish child living outside of Europe to Greece on holiday and asking if they felt closer to their ancestors. But perhaps as a British African you could confirm whether Africa is as diverse as I believe it to be.

I am also not entirely sold on the argument that if you pay it makes a difference. Your DH should want your daughter to benefit from a diverse experience and to contribute to the cost of that. However, if he has a legitimate concern then the fact the money is coming out of one bank account or another is irrelevant. You are a married couple and unless you are planning a divorce than I would always consider my and my DH's funds to be shared even though we have separate bank accounts.

But to threaten divorce over a holiday is nuts.

But it's not all the same, I think it's simplistic to think that they are THE SAME. I mean what similarities are there between Finland and Greece? Apart from being in Europe.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with op wanting to take her child to a black majority country, even if she has no link to that particular country.

op says she can afford it so all the comments on expense are pointless

To threaten divorce due to a holiday dispute is bloody

So he’s emotionally manipulating you into not going on a holiday? I’d take such a dim view of that. He’s an arsehole.

Fair enough if he doesn’t want to spend his own time or money on a particular location, but he’s blocking you going? Nah! He’s not worth it. Don’t let him behave like this.

Enjoy your holiday!!

Why can't he go with you? It's so important for you to show your child where you come from and surely this is something he should have expected.

From his viewpoint I see concern about you and young daughter travelling in a country he's not familiar with, typical DH/DF protective attitude.

Your husband sounds truly bonkers. That said unless her heritage is from South Africa her heritage isn’t relevant. If it is does that mean he is blocking you seeing family?

This is disgusting im sorry you’re dealing with this. He should be embracing your culture and encouraging your daughter to also. My husband is Indian heritage. I look forward to taking our kids to India one day, their dadi ji is trying to teach them Punjabi and we celebrate Indian holidays. This is how it should be.