AIBU to consider a third child in hopes of a girl?

[Karma1387]

I'm posting here as it tends to get the most responses and I am trying to make a hard decision.

I have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 8 weeks) I love them more than I ever thought I could love anyone. However, I feel a constant feeling of wanting to have a little girl. I have spoken to my partner about having a 3rd in 2 years or so and he has agreed but I can't quite bring myself to commit the thought in my mind.

Part of me thinks my partner is agreeing to it as he knows its what I want but he isn't overly invested in the 2 we have currently so I'm not sure.

I am also very concious that I could have a 3rd and it would be another boy (I would love him dearly but would I then want a 4th to try for a girl again)

Thirdly I am very aware that the world is bloody expensive and I am trying really hard not to work (or not more than very part time at a minimum wage job) during my boys childhood. We could technically afford 3 without me working/part time but it would be a very basic life for their entire childhood with very little outings or trips etc.

I know in my heart I want more children but would it be unreasonable given the above?

As stated previously not suffering with postpartum depression.

GP posed the question about my partner having a vasectomy to avoid me having to be on contraception I don't handle well. It has created a discussion point and something I am thinking a lot about (I am an overthinker)

I feel you are being completely sexist and unreasonable. Children are whole, sentient beings in their own right. You said yourself not to stretch yourself financially. Your boys deserve the best.

Childbearing isn't a game of Pokémon.

They are 100% beings in their own right. That doesn't change wanting both?

6 years between my two girls. Its been fab. Eldest was capable of helping when sister was a baby, and as they both grew eldest helped more, taught her sister things, I honestly think its made her more mature and also my youngest is super independent now.
Age 12 and 6, both up and ready for school themselves from age 10 and 4, they both go downstairs and start sorting cereal and fruit and doing their packed lunches.
By the time we get downstairs they are eating breakfast its fabulous. Makes mornings a breeze....my youngest learnt so much from my eldest and they have a lovely bond

Its nice too as my 12 year old still plays with her sister, so it keeps her young and innocent

Your partner isn't really bothered about the kids you've already got. The writing is on the wall then - do not have a third kid with this man.

But why, exactly, other than reasons people use to make any sort of 'collection'?

Your husband doesn't care much for your existing children, it's really not the best idea, is it?

Speaking as someone who had sons I can honestly say unusual as it may seem, I never had the yearning to have a girl although I would have loved her just the same. My DH always said one of me was enough to cope with
😂😂
We now have a daughter-in-law & a young granddaughter both very close to us. If you don't have a daughter OP I can assure if you remain close as a family a daughter-in-law (if you get on well) & a granddaughter will feel the same as having your own. Enjoy your boys. I wouldn't change a thing.

Thank you this is really helpful! Think I will suck up the pain on the contraception and wait and see what life is like in a few years!

He is bothered. Being a dad hasn't come naturally for him so he is learning and developing. He has come a long way.

He isn't really my concern with having a 3rd. He allows me to not work to be with my boys even though he doesn't like to lower lifestyle so I am very grateful for that.

Why would you live on the breadline and not give them a good quality of life because you want a girl?

I really don’t understand this

Setting aside the fact that your husband doesn't seem all that invested in the kids you have, so why would you have more with him...

...what do you imagine you would do differently with a girl than you do with the boys - and why?

...what would you do if you had a non-girly girl?

...what makes you think that having a daughter means you'll get on with her? The mother daughter bond is COMPLICATED. I really don't like my own mother.

...how do you think your boys would feel if they knew how you felt?

...do you really think it's reasonable to say, if I had a 3rd boy I'd try for a 4th girl?

I have a friend with seven children, her first six were all boys. She eventually got a daughter, and was over the moon. I just remember seeing all her little boys (she had them all one after another) when she was showing off her pink frilly baby girl, and wondering how they must have felt. I'm probably overthinking it, she wasn't a dreadful mother, but she did go on and on about wanting a daughter. I think, if baby no.7 had been another boy, she'd have had 8 children.

He cares very much for our boys. But it doesn't come naturally for him but he is trying and getting better!

I think its just a case of its how I have always imagined it. I wanted 2 boys and 2 girls. Whilst I have accepted 4 seems insane. I would love a girl to at least have part of what I imagined. It doesn't mean I expect her to he girly or not play with her brothers or football etc. It just means I have had an image in my mind of what my family would look like and it always had more that 2 kids and both sexes. It may be silly but its what I have imagined since a teen. It is hard to let go of these things.

Our financial situation isn't vastly different if we have 1 more as I don't work anymore. But I am aware 3 is still more cost. Equally I am not talking about having a baby now. It would be at least 2-3 years so finances could alter in that time.

The topic has only come up due to gp asking about partner having a vasectomy to allow me not to be on contraception which I don't handle well. It has made me think about it a lot and what I want.

I'm sure parenting doesn't come easily for many people
I really don't think you should base what you think your family should look like on dreams you had as a teenager

So you are putting a fantasy ahead of reality, basically?

Is there another reason why you are not at peace?

A friend of mine thought about having a third for a girl and her and husband decided to just stop being careful. She had twin boys.

I’d really recommend thinking a bit more deeply about what is driving the sense of needing a daughter for completeness. You keep repeating that you just imagined having boys and girls when you were a child, but I’m sure many many other things you considered as a child haven’t come true, or caused the same level of incompleteness. I saw myself (like many other kids) being a marine biologist when I was older. I’m not, nothing even remotely close to it. I certainly don’t feel incomplete, but I could lack give a much better answer about what was underneath that desire as a child.

There is 100% a reason or belief system underlying the desire for children of both sexes, that isn’t simply ‘my life won’t be complete if I haven’t seen both vulvas and penises when I do nappy changes’. I think to come to peace with the fact you may only see penises during nappy changes, it’s time to dig a bit deeper and challenge some of your thoughts and feelings around it. Honestly, I would never compromise the quality of life for my existing children to chase my own completeness, especially if it was just a childhood vision I had. It would be like me giving up my job and pursuing marine biology because that’s what I wanted as a kid. It wouldn’t be good for my current children to lose that income, and unless you are very financially stable, stretching your resources further will negatively impact your two existing children. You haven’t even hit the expensive stages of their existence yet, particularly if you don’t have huge childcare bills!

Fwiw I know a lot of familes at school that are BBG, so I assume they went for #3 on that basis, I dont know any GGB (i have BG so am neutral on this)

There's something a bit disturbing about this - wanting a boy not so he could be a person in his own right, but so he could look out for the pwecious ickle girls...

This isn't your biggest problem OP. By the sound of your partner, you could well end up down the line with two, maybe three children and trying to parent them alone. Because men who aren't 'invested' when you're doing all the donkey work of childrearing and domestic labour sure as hell won't be post-separation. If there is someone in your life who would make a decent male role model, that's easier, but it's very hard to raise boys without one.

These are the points I could have added to my post - especially that I was NOT a "girly girl" and I didn't really like my mother - there was none of that doing stuff together that I know a lot of women dream of doing with their daughters. For years, I could barely stand being in the same room with her because of the way she had treated me when I was growing up.

I don't expect a girl to be a certain way or get on with me better. I have had an image in my head for 15 years of what my family would look like and it included boys and girls. That is as deep as it is. No expectatations of gender rolls. Just a long time with a certain image.

My boys will know that I love and adore them. If they ever ask if I am sad I haven't had a girl I will be honest and say I would have loved to have had a girl and I would have loved to have 4-5 kids but life is unexpected and instead I have 2 (or 3 if I had a 3rd and it was a boy) boys who are the absolute light of my lives. There is a difference between having a desire/ dream for certain or both genders and having it become a problem for the children you have.

As someone whos mum as 29 still tells her she wanted you to be a boy and obsesses over my son and even tried to convince me to name him what she wanted to name me if I was a boy. I know that is so so damaging! But we are human and we are allowed to have dreams and desires as long as that doesn't impact how we treat the children we have.

My elder brother and I are almost NC - we send a Christmas card to each other and that's it. I have a fabulous relationship with my 9 years younger brother, however.

Parents really shouldn't have children and expect them to live up to their fantasies.

I think you don't need to make the decision now, just enjoy your boy family for now :) Wait and review in 2 years time how you both feel and finance.